View Full Version : Christmas Jokes....

12-15-2007, 07:08 PM
DeAr Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?


Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.


Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark

First stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,

12-15-2007, 07:11 PM
Little Johnny Letter to SantaDear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well,
I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the
beginning of the month and on Christmas Day. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I went out on errands, mowed the lawn when it was 105oF, shoveled snow till my fingers and toes went numb with frostbite, and even cleaned up the dog crap in the backyard (Id like to see the Discovery Channel guy pull that off on Dirty Jobs). I helped the elderly cross the street and volunteered at a soupkitchen. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!

What balls you have leaving me a ****ing yo-yo, a lame ass whistle and a pair
of socks! What the **** were you thinking you fat son of a bitch? You must think its real funny that you played me for a sucker the whole ****ing year just leave me shit like
this under the damn tree. Ha ha Santa, I hope you choke on a fruit cake, fall off your sleigh, and get caught up in some high voltage electrical line you asshole.

As if you hadn't ****ed me enough, you gave that little shithead across the
street so many ****ing toys, that he can't even walk into his damn house!
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge ass down my chimney next
year! I'll **** you up! I'll throw rocks at those corny ass reindeers of
yours and scare them the **** away, so you'll have to walk your big fat ass
back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn't get me that
****ing bike, you punk bastard!! You know what Santa, **** You!! Next year
you'll find out how bad I can really ****ing be!

I am watching out for you. So you better watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!!


Santa's Response To Little Johnny's After Christmas Letter

Dear Johnny,

I know WHO you are, and I KNOW where you live. You little shit!
You can't talk to SANTA like that and get away with it! Ill **** YOU up!!!

If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy, by the way,
then you can just cram it up your little ass! As for the whistle
you didn't care for -- I gotcha whistle right here!!! Come blow
on this! And the socks...well, I figured you are big enough to
be whacking off, and those sox would have come in handy and been
handy to ... well, even you should get the picture!

And... that little "faggot" across the street, you'll be happy to
know that he's already got pubic hair and his whang is TWICE as
long as yours. Besides, his parents think YOU'RE the fag --always
moaning and whining grow a set of balls you punk bitch.

Don't worry about gathering up rocks for my visit to your house
next year, 'cause I ain't coming down your chimney ever again. On the off chance I show up on your street, if I see you with a rock, Ill take your eye out with a bb from Billy across the streets new bb gun run you over with my sleigh, then crack your sorry little ass with my reindeer whip and send you balling back home to wet the bed (as usual) beeyaaaaatch!

If you find any pennies on the street next year, you had better stop and pick
them up, 'cause that's all you're going to get for Christmas next year.
Your mom and dad are doing to be killed in a car crash, and you'll
be stuck in an orphanage before Thanksgiving where the big kids are going to kick your sorry little ass on a daily basis you sniveling, whining, bed wetting piece of crap.

Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's BAD!

An Affectionate Adieu to You Johnny watch your ass


12-15-2007, 07:12 PM
Have you heard these ones?

Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Kansas City Chiefs.

Q: What do the Kansas City Chiefs and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."

Q: How do you keep a Kansas City Chief out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Kansas City in case of a tornado?
A: To Arrowhead - they never get a touchdown there.

Q: What do you call a Kansas City Chief with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief!!

Q: Why was Herm Edwards upset when the Kansas City Chiefs play book was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q: What's the difference between the Kansas City Chiefs and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get 4 quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and it appears we will never find out.

Q: What do the Kansas City Chief and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home (and get killed on the road).

12-16-2007, 01:12 AM

12-16-2007, 01:20 AM
Ha! I had seen the Little Johnny letter to Santa, but hadn't seen Santa's response. That's awesome.

12-16-2007, 01:21 AM

12-16-2007, 08:01 AM
What do ghey Reindeer do on a night out?

(stated conversationally like) "eh, not much, go out blow a few bucks..."


12-16-2007, 08:26 AM

12-17-2007, 10:16 AM
Crazy Things To Do At Christmas

1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing
a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.

2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of
the neighbor's nativity scene.

3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer
jerky and Easter Bunny filets.

4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick.
Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeer. If they tell you
no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards
for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.

5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand
on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.

6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that
they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this

7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive

8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and
hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the
bad elves.

9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny
reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the
street muttering, "Oh, the humanity".

10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and
ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of
Santa with the Boss's wife.

11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman

12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children
they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!

13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you
are sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer
and a hot blonde instead.

14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.

15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.

16. Post a sign in front yard that says Carolers Welcome. Then
when they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.

17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbor's lights so they
no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.

18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbor's