View Full Version : Funny Raiders Joke

08-02-2001, 04:21 PM
Just saw this joke on another board and thought I would pass it on.

Al Davis put together the perfect Raiders team for '01. The only
thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He scouted all the
colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer
quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In
the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young
Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a
hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away,
ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10
soldiers a good 110 yards away, ka-blooey! Then, a car passes going 90
miles an hour, bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open
window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!" So he arranges to have the kid brought back to the states and
he teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man
breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The
Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl
XXXVI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do
is call his mother.

Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young

"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super

I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted
us. You're no longer my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I
just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the
middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores.
"At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The
neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten
within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was
attacked in broad daylight...."

The old lady pauses, in tears. "... I'll never forgive you for
moving us to Oakland."

08-02-2001, 04:24 PM

And welcome aboard KC2001. :)

Tribal Warfare
08-02-2001, 04:25 PM
Thats a good one KC2001 :)

Ugly Duck
08-02-2001, 04:30 PM
Anybody know which town has the higher crime rate - KC or Oakland? Where's DanT when you need him....

08-02-2001, 04:32 PM
Dear Abby,

I have a problem, I am going to get married soon. My youngest brother is an All-Star lineman for the Oakland Raiders. My next youngest brother had been convicted of robbing a bank. My oldest brother is a pedofile. One of my sisters is a prostitute the other rides with Hells Angels. My father was executed for mass murder. My mother is currently in Slovikia working as a spy. I myself am an incurable kleptomaniac.

My problem is, do I tell my fiancee's family about my brother that plays for the Raiders?


08-02-2001, 04:32 PM
Famous Sayings by Raider players:
Oakland Raider RB Tyrone Wheatley when asked about the upcoming season... "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

1996 - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote - "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

08-02-2001, 04:37 PM
Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead. Out of respect and propriety, the Seahawk's fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The 49ers fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Raider's fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Seahawk's cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the 49ers cap, replaced it and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Raider's cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Raider's fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking? "Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Raiders hat, I find an a**hole."

Chiefs Pantalones
08-02-2001, 04:41 PM

Welcome to the planet:D

08-02-2001, 04:46 PM
UD, these are the number of homicides in Oakland and KC from 1985 to 1997. Oakland's number for 1995 is an average for all the other years because it was not provided on the website.

1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995* 1996 1997 Total

KANSAS CITY 91 116 131 134 140 121 135 150 153 142 107 104 100 1624
OAKLAND 95 129 114 112 129 146 149 165 154 140 127 93 99 1652


Ugly Duck
08-02-2001, 05:02 PM
Yo! Whoa! Wait a minute! So what Dartgod is saying is that recent data shows more homicides in KC than in Oaktown!

My how times have changed. Raiders play power football, Chiefs can't run. Raiders whup Chiefs time after time. KC has higher murder rate than Oakland. Not too shabby for a buncha knuckledraggers, eh?

08-02-2001, 05:05 PM
Man I love these jokes!

Subject: Football Fans
Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, a Cowboys fan, a Packers fan, a Raiders fan, and a Chiefs fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most "die-hard" fan. Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Cowboys fan proclaimed to the other four..."This is for the Dallas Cowboys!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice. Not to be outdone by a Cowboys fan, the Packers fan jumped up and said... "This is for the Green Bay Packers!" and then threw himself off the mountain again as a form of sacrifice. Refusing to be outdone by the Cowboy and Packer fans, the Chiefs fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs "This is for the Kansas City Chiefs!" and without any hesitation, pushed the Oakland Raider fan off the mountain.

Ugly Duck
08-02-2001, 05:33 PM
Wow! KC has more murders, more property crimes, more violent crimes, more rapes, assaults, burgleries, arson, larceny, car theft, etc. than Oakland does. What is UP with all the crime you guys have in KC MO? I'm staying here in th eBay Area where its safe from you KC criminal types.....


08-02-2001, 06:39 PM
Actually, while KC has higher total crimes in most categories, if you consider the differences in population Oakland has a higher per capita rate for violent crimes (.0218 to .0190), murder (.0003 to .0002) ,and robbery (.0092 to .0060).

08-03-2001, 05:57 PM
Originally posted by Ugly Duck
Anybody know which town has the higher crime rate - KC or Oakland? Where's DanT when you need him....

Hey UglyDuck,

I'm actually out in your neck of the woods--on a two-week vacation that includes unpacking all of my stuff that the movers just delivered to my girlfriend's house in Davis. (I move out here for good in November.) Saw my first game in Oakland last Saturday--my beloved Royals won! I must say that it's beautiful around here and, as you've already gleaned, there's less reported crime in Oakland than there is in KC, which is all the more pathetic when one considers all the cold weather KC gets that Oakland doesn't. :(

Here's a link to the crime rates in 1991 from the Census Bureau:
Kansas City 13,198 per 100,000
Oakland 12,186 per 100,000

The FBI site (http://www.fbi.gov) is a good place to get more current numbers to download. The Indianapolis Police summarized the 1999 FBI numbers of reported major crimes for cities at this link:
KC's rate then was 11,631 per 100,000 and Oakland's was 8,370 per 100,000.

08-03-2001, 08:04 PM
Raiders play power football, Chiefs can't run. Raiders whup Chiefs time after time.

Ugly Duck:

I assume the part about the Raiders whupping the Chiefs time after time is a typo? Have you followed the NFL before last year? By the way...when did they move Petaluma into the "Bay Area?"

Looking forward to your replies!