View Full Version : All-Idiot Team Training Camp interview!! Must read!

Mark M
08-09-2001, 10:16 AM
This is the first in a three-part series of interviews with members of Packfan’s All-Idiot Team. The team is comprised of chiefsplanet members who have been called out, insulted or just generally annoyed with Ken and his mundane posts.

Our reporter, Skippy McScooperson, sits down with the new head coach to discuss the upcoming season. (Editor’s note: the team searched high for a coach ... but once they sobered up, they realized that looking low would be better. They tried to get Hank Stram to “ventriculate” out of retirement, but to no avail. So they got the next best thing: Stram’s toupee, Harry, who plans on being just as conspicuous on the sideline as he is on Hank’s head.)

Part one in the series is about the off-season and the offense, part two on defense and part three on special teams and the gaggle of off-the-field personnel.

Skippy: First, I’d like to thank you for meeting with me, Harry.
Harry: Not a problem. I was just lying around anyway.
S: (laughing) Well, let’s get to it, then. How do you feel you did in the offseason?
H: We made some key acquisitions: keg_in_kc, Aturnis, NFLFrank and others have really come in and made an immediate impact on the team. And the veterans haven’t let up either. It was a great offseason, overall.
S: Several players had offseason surgery and even a few injuries, like Big Daddy’s shoulder. How is the recovery process going?
H: Very well, very well. Actually, the biggest problem we’ve had is with our QB, Mark M.
S: What is exactly was, or is, the nature of his injury?
H: He’s got a bad case of Packfanitis, which is basically just an annoying and often intolerable pain in the a$$. Kind of like hemorrhoids, but less itchy, more hurty.
S: Didn’t keg and KCTitus have the same problem?
H: Yes, they did. And as our #2 QB and starting left tackle, respectively, it’s important that they be healthy. They solved the problem by just ignoring their Packfanitis. It seems to be working well.
S: You’ve installed a new offensive scheme. How are the players adjusting?
H: Extremely well, Skip. Our O-line of Titus, KCWolfman, Russ, and bishop74, are doing a great job of getting in the way. And the center, Cameron Diaz is making our QBs very, very happy. The wide receivers like milkman (converted from RB), KPhobia, JOhn and Coryt are all running precise routes ... well, they’re getting past the line of scrimmage anyway. Once they do that, catching the ball is much easier. Of course, most can’t even catch a cab ...
S: And what about running back by committee? Is that finally over?
H: Yes. We will give Luz the ball in our normal set, H_C Chief will be our third down back and Bob Dole will be utilized in single back sets.
S: Um ... isn’t that the same thing?
H: Not really. We like to call them “situational substitutions” rather than “running back by committee.”
S: So it’s just semantics?
H: No. It’s just a different way of saying it.
S: Um ...
H: What I’m really looking forward to is our kicking game. Dartgod has been booming them in practice, kicking it over 60 yards.
S: But how about his accuracy?
H: Well ... we’re still working on that. The fact he’s even making contact with the ball is a significant improvement.
S: And the tight ends?
H: dawsonpa still has one of the tightest around, if that’s what you mean. tommykat is putting the pressure on her, though. As far as Mark Kilgore goes, well ... he’s still working on tightening his end, as it were.
S: I see ...

Stay tuned ... tomorrow: Part 2—The Idiotic Defense

~~Really needs a hobby.

08-09-2001, 10:19 AM
LMAO: Good Stuff Mark :D

08-09-2001, 10:36 AM
Especially the Tight Ends part :)

08-09-2001, 10:42 AM

Lightning Rod
08-09-2001, 10:45 AM
As the PR man I just wanted everyone to know that I have an ample supply of the acrylic goldfish filled platform shoes. That way you all can be cool in the team picture.

08-09-2001, 10:48 AM
Rod as GM, I forbid anyone but myself to wear "goldfish shoes" and or fur coats! ;)

Lightning Rod
08-09-2001, 10:56 AM
I understand why, As PR man I would be delinquent if I did not test out these fashion accessories.
Gotta admit the Chicks dig-em. Was thinking some sort of a mink fedora might complete your Pimp-Daddy look, :)

08-09-2001, 10:58 AM
Very funny, Mark. Well done.

keg in kc
08-09-2001, 11:01 AM
Hah, I needed a good laugh...

...and for once, Mark delivered!

ahahahah :p

funny stuff

Mark M
08-09-2001, 11:04 AM
...and for once, Mark delivered!

Is this to imply that you do not always find me funny? ;) :p

Thanks guys ... slow day here at work. Will try to get the Defensive side done tomorrow morning, and our Not-So-Special Teams this weekend.

~~Thinks he's funny all of the time.

08-09-2001, 11:04 AM
good stuff Mark...funny as usual :)

08-09-2001, 11:30 AM
-And the center, Cameron Diaz is making our QBs very, very happy.

-S: So it’s just semantics?
H: No. It’s just a different way of saying it.
S: Um ...

LOL! I am crying over here...

08-09-2001, 11:32 AM
I can't wait to see the defense...

I need to read it to figure out what I've been up to, I can't remember...


08-09-2001, 11:42 AM
This was great!

Saving this one for later re-reading.

08-09-2001, 11:52 AM
H: What I’m really looking forward to is our kicking game. Dartgod has been booming them in practice, kicking it over 60 yards.
S: But how about his accuracy?
H: Well ... we’re still working on that. The fact he’s even making contact with the ball is a significant improvement.

Those Flubber shoes I invested in are really paying off.

Very funny Mark!

Bob Dole
08-09-2001, 12:58 PM
<img src="http://store2.yimg.com/I/jsbstash_1641_113278" height="255" width="113">

08-09-2001, 01:04 PM
............but as the owner/punter, I DEMAND to be not-so-special teams captain.

Mark M
08-09-2001, 01:10 PM
Not a problem ... boss. ;)

~~Butt smooching.

08-09-2001, 03:18 PM
I'm disappionted that I didn't make the team....Booo hooooo!
Very funny stuff. Where'd you say you work again?

08-09-2001, 03:55 PM
That's pretty funny Mark. I had been wondering as of late what was going on with the team, glad to know our lack of funds hasn't closed us down yet.;)

08-09-2001, 04:15 PM
Hey Mark M,

So does the team have a head of Cheerleader operations yet? I think that I could fill that position...

~OFFICIALLY putting his application forward

08-09-2001, 04:47 PM
Lack of funds?!?!

****, I sold about 500 lbs. more bud than Bam Morris this year to support this sorry-*** squad... :D

Bob Dole
08-09-2001, 05:48 PM
Hey htismaqe--send Bob Dole a Smoke Signal. The ol' glaucoma is acting up and the supply is almost expended.

08-09-2001, 05:58 PM
Seeing that Part 3 is still two days away, I sincerely hope that KCGannonStalker (webmaster) gets interviewed with the rest of the Front Office personnel.

Izen: don't sweat it...you can work with Cody and me in Concessions.

Cody: fire up that deep fryer! We gotta make up a butt-load of Jalapeno Poppers and Cheese Balls before Sunday night!

08-09-2001, 08:31 PM
Hey,i know that I have only joined the team under a year ago, but I just need my shot. Practice squad has been nice, but I have the ability to move up.

It's been the motivational factor. With the new staff in place and the proper packfan-motivation I think this is my Jessey-Haynes break out year...

We got a long snapper yet.....I hear Denise.....

Nevermind, bad joke...:eek:

08-09-2001, 08:38 PM
Originally posted by htismaqe
Lack of funds?!?!

****, I sold about 500 lbs. more bud than Bam Morris this year to support this sorry-*** squad... :D

LOL! I hadn't heard about that other source of income. Sell a few more pounds and Bwana can afford that sports car I orignally wanted in my contract.:)

knows Pimp Daddy Bwana will just spend it on himself instead

08-09-2001, 08:47 PM
knows Pimp Daddy Bwana will just spend it on himself instead."

As long as "Pimp Daddy Bwana" has his goldfish shoes and table dances he's happy. :D

P.S. The Turk is just around the corner..... :eek:

08-09-2001, 08:47 PM
**** you would say something like that...

I don't remember what was in my contract!

Where's Titus?!?! :D

08-09-2001, 08:49 PM
Does that mean that a sports car isn't out of the question should a little more be made in "the other side of the business"?

08-09-2001, 08:51 PM
Hader: Without question, but some of the green must be made up from other areas if you know what I mean. ;)

What did you have in mind for a "sports car?"

08-09-2001, 08:53 PM
Whatever it takes.

A '57 Corvette convertable:D

may actually get his dream car now

08-09-2001, 08:54 PM
****...can anybody tell me what was in my contract?

08-09-2001, 08:59 PM
Hader: You will have to get VERY busy selling. At least you didn't ask for a '53!

htismaqe: I don't recall at this point but I think it had to do with a six pack and some chips?

~Bwana thinking he may save on htismaques contract and be able to score a couple extra dancing girls.~

08-09-2001, 09:07 PM
if I am the one doing the selling, then I'll just buy the thing myselfinstead of going through my tight@ssed GM who would probably just give me a reproducion one.

doesn't remember being selected to work "the other side of the business"

08-09-2001, 09:24 PM
What's the deal here?

I'm gett'n less love than Greg hill?...

Want's a roster spot....:mad:

Chiefs Pantalones
08-09-2001, 09:57 PM

I don't mean to sound like an egotistical prick, but Cody does not play defense. Cody plays O, not D. Cody makes plays, Cody draws crowds, Cody wins championships...

Show Cody the offense!!!!!! Show Cody the offense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHOW CODY THE OFFENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

;) :D


offensive homer:)

08-09-2001, 10:02 PM

I think your position on the team is in question because of your overindulgence in jalapeno cheeseballs... :D

keg in kc
08-09-2001, 10:02 PM
No, Cody, you're our Scott Frost, our Eric Crouch. Run-oriented quarterback in college shifted to d-back at the next level...








08-09-2001, 10:27 PM
Hader: Your "tight@ssed GM" Was going to go to Walmart tomorrow and hit the hot wheels section, but if you are going to be a hard A$$...... The Turk is right around the corner. ;)

Pitt Gorilla
08-09-2001, 10:43 PM
Though my hindquarters are much less flattering than Ms. Diaz', I figured Gammon (ex-Gorilla) could teach me to long-snap. I actually bumped into him at a home Pitt game, literally. It was kinda cool and almost spilled his beverage. Anyway, put me in coach; I'm ready to play, hey, hey.

Chiefs Pantalones
08-09-2001, 10:55 PM
Its funny that Diaz is mentioned.

My brother's fiances family are friends (although, I don't know how close of friends they are) with the Diazs. Honestly. Cameron Diazs grandparents live in Warensburg MO. CD was born and raised in MO, BTW. She currently lives in LA (of course) and her older sister ( who is hotter than Cameron) lives in NY, but is not in show business. And CD does come to War. once in awhile, to visit them.

This is true. She (bro's fiance) told me this about 2 months ago, and when I asked that her why she didn't tell me this earlier, she said, 'you never asked.'

Chiefs Pantalones
08-09-2001, 10:59 PM
We were talking about Show biz, and what movies we like, and then she broke me the news.

I was pissed! She should have told me this! We could hook up!!:)

Fat Elvis
08-09-2001, 11:05 PM
Can I sing the national anthem, or maybe be in charge of meds, or how about running the concession stands?

Since Packfan suddenly thinks Grbackup is a stud and I still think he's a turd (sorry, letting go is hard to do) there's bound to be a point of contention somewhere down the road.....

Chiefs Pantalones
08-09-2001, 11:51 PM

You have hit the low of all lows...:mad:

comparing me to Eric Crouch is evil and you have offended me. Don't you have a soul or a conscience?

You just love to tear people down, don't you:mad:



but honestly, a QB being compared to the likes of a Eric Crouch or a Scott Frost, should punch the man comparing.

BTW, you forgot to mention one more QB in that sentence about run-oriented, option QBs...

Rich Gannon.

I always thought he looked better wearing a #34, or something like that, than wearing a QB number. He looks off his primary receiver, and doesn't even go to his 2nd or 3rd, and takes off...

thata running back!:D

keg in kc
08-10-2001, 12:00 AM
Ahh, Cody, just some smack from the #2 Quarterback. :)

And, no, I don't have a conscience. :p

Hey, Cody, btw, did you sign up for the easy, cheesy FFL league explained in my thread Everyone is welcome ( There's no cost or anything, and it's really easy to play - it's just for fun. Trying to get everyone on the board into it... (up to 28 so far) ;)

Chiefs Pantalones
08-10-2001, 12:04 AM
I know you were kiddin around.:)

And actually, I'm number 2, and your number 1.

You know your **** more than I do.

And about the FFL. I have never played, and I do not know how?:confused:

keg in kc
08-10-2001, 12:06 AM
I can walk you through it. It's really, really easy.

If you want to try it, move over to that thread and I can help you get started and learn what's going on...

Shouldn't take more than a few minutes.

08-10-2001, 05:10 AM
That is funny! Very nice Mark.

ken man

thinks packfan lives in florida and has never been to wisconsin

Mark M
08-10-2001, 05:50 AM
Okay ... here's the deal:

Your contract demands were for an ounce of Indica bud and a 2-foot graphix. Considering that you can't remember this, I'm thinking you've already been paid! ;)

You're not on defense ... you're the team chef. I think it's right up your alley.

FatElvis and Brad Caudle--
I'll find roster spots for you guys ... don't worry. (insert evil laugh here).

~~Should really be working ... but cares little.

08-10-2001, 05:51 AM
cody... don't feel bad, I didn't make the offense either

but I have a feeling there is a special roster spot for you and your jalepeno cheese balls!!

waiting for the rest of the team with guarded anticipation...

08-10-2001, 09:11 AM
I think Fat Elvis would be the perfect guy to put in charge of the meds...just don't let him near the toilets...

Surely, I demanded a pound...an ounce of good indica would last about 5 minutes...

08-10-2001, 11:29 AM
Hey guys, hey Carmen,

Sorry about reporting late to Training Camp.

You know how it is, with all my fans, with all the celebrities that I have to rub shoulders with, with all the charity golf tourneys, I've been really busy... (I'm a caddy at Canyon Creek Country Club).

But I'm ready to go to work now. Just give me the rock. As the star H-Back of this team, I plan on racking up 4,000 yards from scrimmage this year.

I've got a good feeling about this year and I'm even thinking that someone might finally show me where to line up.

our first game is when???... what new offense???...

08-10-2001, 11:31 AM
Well, we know one thing, Luzap. Packfan wont be able to locate you on the field when you line up. :D

08-10-2001, 11:38 AM
Have we come up for a spot for Packfan? Perhaps Jock Strap washer, weed puller, or some task of that nature?

Mark M
08-10-2001, 11:44 AM
I still like the idea of having Packfan as the team mascot, and here's why:

At Notre Dame, all the players slap the sign on their way to the field (forgot what it says ... I hate Dame).

At Penn State, all the players rub the lion on their way to the field.

I figure we all get a shot at Packfan before we take the field ... kick him in the nuts, give him a boot to the head, flick him on the nose ... whatever the player doing it feels is necessary.

Me? I'd give him a kick in the a$$ ... maybe his head would get dislodged that way.

~~Not usually a violent person.

Gracie Dean
08-10-2001, 01:38 PM
Darn tooting...I still have the best tight end around!!!!! And the off season work outs only made it better!


California Injun
08-10-2001, 01:47 PM

Why inflict physical pain when mental tormentation (is that a word) is better?

I say we line up Packfan at the end of the introduction line. After we all slap hands as we run though, Packfan would be extending his palm for the High-Five.

Everybody then pulls their hand back just when he is ready to smack and he whiffs air.

Do this 53 times in a row in front of thousands of fans and he'd get the picture.

08-10-2001, 02:50 PM
of that scene on "Airplane" when everybody lines up to abuse the hysterical woman.

Or even better, when Gaz recommended a way for Jason Ernzen to earn some mony after he got fired.

08-10-2001, 04:03 PM
Is it that time of season already?!?!

OK, I've searched all the websites I know of and I didn't see anything about my replacement so I'm assuming that I'm still in charge of special teams.

The first order of business is to start getting our kick and punt return personal fitted for my revolutionary helmet glove.

I know Myslond didn't take to it well last season but that boy was thick-headed, thick-headed I say! He never could figure out how having both arms free to fight off would be tacklers and use his fingers for some eye pokin' could be used to his advantage!

08-10-2001, 06:26 PM
Mark.....You are tooooo funny! Tommykat has what I say at a football game with my binoculars...NOW THAT IS A TIGHTEND.... :D

08-10-2001, 09:26 PM
Originally posted by Bwana
Hader: Your "tight@ssed GM" Was going to go to Walmart tomorrow and hit the hot wheels section, but if you are going to be a hard A$$...... The Turk is right around the corner. ;)

Alright, now we are talkin'!

playing hardball with the GM from he!!;)

08-10-2001, 09:32 PM
Is that the same FFL that I'm already in?

When's the draft again?