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View Full Version : Kicking cars and how it can improve your life


SNR
03-27-2008, 03:21 AM
Today I went to an evil, wretched, miserable, place. During certain times of the year, it can be worse than the DMV. It's the post office. I had to weigh an item, pay far out the ass for the postage, and send it return receipt, which requires two different cards to fill out while people behind me get impatient, and if I have a young noob working the line, I usually have to tell THEM how the process works. Needless to say, I wasn't looking foward to this moment.

When I got there, the parking lot was already incredibly crowded. I was lucky enought to just fit my car in a nice snug spot not too far away from the door. I got out of my car and walked in. As I walked in, I heard a woman talking loudly, but couldn't quite make out what she was saying. I assumed she wasn't speaking to me and continued walking.

I got in line with my box and not thirty seconds later, a middle-aged woman with leathery sun-burned skin and an annoying haircut got in my face. "You know, I understand accidents happen, but the least you could have done was apologized," she said with a glare on her face. Her teeth were showing and I could see large amounts of dental work. She probably showed her teeth like that to strangers quite often, which caused gradual wind erosion.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Your door. You slammed your car door into my car while getting out and didn't even bother to leave a note. There's probably a dent now that I'll have to get pounded out."

I looked outside the window and saw her car. It was probably an early 90s Honda Civic with rust spots on the creases of the hood and doors. Not exactly something worth keeping up the appearance.

"I'm sorry, I really didn't notice at all. I didn't even hear a sound or feel anything. It probably isn't even noticeable." This was true. I didn't know I hit her ugly ass car. In fact, I'm fairly certain I didn't.

Human decency be damned, she wouldn't give up. It was like her brain was stuck in her tiny, flappy, rash-ridden vagina and she assumed that me begging for her forgiveness was expected. I, of course, just walked away instead, since the line was moving now. She walked along the side of the rope and said, "It's just I'm sick of people like you nowadays. You have no concerns for anyone but yourself and when you get caught in the act, you play dumb and just let people suffer with no guilt or anything. And people like you are everywhere."

Before I could call her a skin cancer-riddled c*nt waffle, she walked around to the back of the line. Two minutes later, it was my turn.

I walked out of the door to my car, thinking about how much I'd love to maybe write, "penis" in the dirt on her back windshield or wait for her to come out, moon her, and drive away. But I was too pissed off to do these sensible things. In my fury, I kicked her passenger door.

It was then that all the stress I had just built up was relieved instantly. It was the most satisfying action I had done in months. I felt really great about that. I enjoyed it so much, I kicked her car again, got in my car, and drove off.

This is my new hobby. I kick cars. Any car I don't like or any car that is near me when I'm not in a good mood is fair game. I kicked several more cars at the bank, grocery store, and other errands. By the end of the day, I had turned my anger into positive energy.

And I think the reason why it's so great is because it's absolutely genius. It's totally unnecessary. It's pretty much the ultimate dick thing to do. It's also petty, classless, and deranged (duh). But here's the great part: no damage is done to the car at all. As long as you don't wear shoes with a spike at the end, nobody will ever realize their car has been kicked. Hell, I will probably end up kicking your car at some point and you'll never know anything happened to it.

Other benefits of car-kicking are as follows:

1. Stress relief through physical output
2. Physical wellness through flexibility of the leg muscles
3. It's cheap and easy
4. Nearly impossible to get caught (and if you are, you're near your own car to make a getaway)

Absolutely no negatives have been found, outside of the possibility of improper form and resulting injury, or slipping while in mid-kick and falling down with somebody watching, leading to extreme embarassment.

I would invite everyone to try this out. Just as long as it's not my car. I think if a good portion of the population starts to do this, we WILL live in a better world.

POND_OF_RED
03-27-2008, 03:47 AM
Can't say I have ever kicked a door but I do hate when I come out of the store and some **** has left me about 4" to get into my car. I usually act like I didn't know the car was there and slam my door against theres a few times until I can start to see the color changing.

bowener
03-27-2008, 04:56 AM
ROFL

kstater
03-27-2008, 05:20 AM
Just be prepared to have the ever loving shit beat out of you if you are ever caught by the car owner.

a1na2
03-27-2008, 06:22 AM
I know that road rage does not fit the situation but maybe a new term can be coined for this situation.

Postal line door ding stupid old wacko biatch rage.

I think we better get more ideas, this one might be hard to remember.

rad
03-27-2008, 06:58 AM
Can't say I have ever kicked a door but I do hate when I come out of the store and some **** has left me about 4" to get into my car. I usually act like I didn't know the car was there and slam my door against theres a few times until I can start to see the color changing.

That may be because you're parked with your left tires on or over the line of the parking space. I hate that. Some dumb-**** or idiot bitch with a truck too big for them to handle can't fit the ****ing thing between the lines, or is too arrogant to re-cut into the middle...."Oh well, my truck is sooo big I can park however I want"... well, **** you. I park in the next spot, right between the lines, which usually means they may have to squeeze their (usually) fat ass through the passenger side. Assholes. Learn how to park your rig, ****ing douchebags.

PhillyChiefFan
03-27-2008, 07:18 AM
Terr-ific, I will have to try this the next time. ROFL

penchief
03-27-2008, 07:21 AM
I tried to kick the frozen slush off my mudguard and all it got me was a sore big toe and a rotten toe nail.

runnercyclist
03-27-2008, 07:24 AM
The only dickheaded act I've done involving a car happened when I lived in a apartment that had assigned parking spaces. Some douche bag kept parking in my spot. I asked him nicely to cease and desist but every time I'd get home from a game there his POS car was.

One night I got home late from the bar ad sure enough there it is in my spot with not another spot in the lot. So I deflated all four of his tires. I didn't slash them, just let all the air out of all of them.

He never parked in my spot again.

Dartgod
03-27-2008, 07:54 AM
My first car was a POS Ford Maverick and I got stranded once because the starter went out. I got pissed and kicked the door and broke my big toe.

Never again...

jspchief
03-27-2008, 08:01 AM
That may be because you're parked with your left tires on or over the line of the parking space. I hate that. Some dumb-**** or idiot bitch with a truck too big for them to handle can't fit the ****ing thing between the lines, or is too arrogant to re-cut into the middle...."Oh well, my truck is sooo big I can park however I want"... well, **** you. I park in the next spot, right between the lines, which usually means they may have to squeeze their (usually) fat ass through the passenger side. Assholes. Learn how to park your rig, ****ing douchebags.
I agree that a lot of idiots don't know how to park between the lines.

But there also seems to be a trend of shrinking parking spots. Is it really neccessary to cram us in like sardines just to eek out a few extra spots at the back of the lot that never get used anyway?

DenverChief
03-27-2008, 08:08 AM
. It was like her brain was stuck in her tiny, flappy, rash-ridden vagina
LMAO

Lzen
03-27-2008, 08:37 AM
This is exactly why I always try to park way out away from everyone. A little walking never hurt anybody. ;)

Phobia
03-27-2008, 09:07 AM
She was probably married to a sickly Indian who required the services of medical marijuana.

ChiefButthurt
03-27-2008, 11:00 AM
Can't say I have ever kicked a door but I do hate when I come out of the store and some **** has left me about 4" to get into my car. I usually act like I didn't know the car was there and slam my door against theres a few times until I can start to see the color changing.


I hate that also. In fact, it never fails that every time it happens I have a sinus infection. I walk up the side of my car that has four inches to enter and dig deep into the narrow cavity of my sinus'. Sometimes it takes more than one attempt to drum up something worth spewing. I never cease to amaze myself that I'm able to create a masterpiece only an owner could appreciate. I always toss it on the driver's side canvas(window). The windshield would be shame, they'd only smear my work.

SNR
03-27-2008, 11:02 AM
I tried to kick the frozen slush off my mudguard and all it got me was a sore big toe and a rotten toe nail.Just remember, a car is not a football. It is a soccer ball. Kick it like you would a soccer ball.

blueballs
03-27-2008, 11:06 AM
So you were one of those kids who ran wild in the resturants
they just don't grow up

Baby Lee
03-27-2008, 11:35 AM
Just be prepared to have the ever loving shit beat out of you if you are ever caught by the car owner.

**** yeah, some anal fissure apparently took a flying scissor kick to my rear quartpanel. Woke up to find a huge foot sized dent.

I'm ready to go irreversible [the fire extingiusher scene, not the rape] on the shitball if I ever find out who did it.

Pestilence
03-27-2008, 11:36 AM
I hate that also. In fact, it never fails that every time it happens I have a sinus infection. I walk up the side of my car that has four inches to enter and dig deep into the narrow cavity of my sinus'. Sometimes it takes more than one attempt to drum up something worth spewing. I never cease to amaze myself that I'm able to create a masterpiece only an owner could appreciate. I always toss it on the driver's side canvas(window). The windshield would be shame, they'd only smear my work.

I do the same thing.

SNR
03-28-2008, 01:05 AM
**** yeah, some anal fissure apparently took a flying scissor kick to my rear quartpanel. Woke up to find a huge foot sized dent.

I'm ready to go irreversible [the fire extingiusher scene, not the rape] on the shitball if I ever find out who did it.It's good that you bring that up. My collection of kicking styles will undoubtedly expand with more and more experience. A flying scissor kick will come soon with patience.

KCChiefsMan
03-28-2008, 02:11 AM
sometimes I purposely park next to cars who obviously can't park, you know the ones that are 3 inches - a foot over the line. And I slam my door into them when I exit my car, I'm not all that worried about the damage done to my door. I also leave notes on people's windshield when I see those really cool diagonal parking jobs that take up 2 spots in a parking lot, I know everybody has to think it looks soooo cool to park diagonally like that (sarcasm), but I leave a nasty note and just hope it makes them think...but I know their too stupid or too arrogant to think.

Dartgod
03-28-2008, 07:53 AM
but I know their too stupid or too arrogant to think.
ROFL

KCChiefsMan
03-28-2008, 02:26 PM
ROFL

ahh, you caught me! I mispelled a werd....I stoopid!