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DenverChief
04-13-2008, 04:14 PM
Amazing :shake:


Whereas:

More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

Newborn babies can choke on bread.

Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Therefore:

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

No sale of bread to minors.

A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

rad
04-13-2008, 04:16 PM
LMAO

Count Zarth
04-13-2008, 04:17 PM
The benefits of abstaining from bread use are obvious. Low carb diets result in weight loss.

Halfcan
04-13-2008, 04:18 PM
bread sucks

DenverChief
04-13-2008, 04:19 PM
Low carb diets result in weight loss.

so does exercise

headsnap
04-13-2008, 04:20 PM
everyone who has ever eaten carrots will eventually DIE!!!!



if they haven't already!:eek:

rad
04-13-2008, 04:22 PM
The benefits of abstaining from bread use are obvious. Low carb diets result in weight loss.

So does exercising "moderation".

Count Zarth
04-13-2008, 04:25 PM
so does exercise

The benefits of exercise are obvious. You get ripped and get to stare at high school girls' cute little derrieres.

kstater
04-13-2008, 04:26 PM
derrières

Aren't you a proofreader?

Rain Man
04-13-2008, 04:27 PM
I read something chilling the other day. Every single person who fought in the Civil War died.

kstater
04-13-2008, 04:28 PM
I read something chilling the other day. Every single person who fought in the Civil War died.

Heh, had to think about that for a few seconds.

DenverChief
04-13-2008, 04:28 PM
I read something chilling the other day. Every single person who fought in the Civil War died.

:eek: the Civil war is evil! but still has nothing on bread....the civil war was not a gateway to other ...wait!

Count Zarth
04-13-2008, 04:29 PM
derrières

Aren't you a proofreader?

I don't know the keyboard command for that french bullshit.

kstater
04-13-2008, 04:30 PM
I don't know the keyboard command for that french bullshit.

Use Firefox, spell check fixes it for you.

Count Zarth
04-13-2008, 04:31 PM
Use Firefox, spell check fixes it for you.

I do. It didn't give me any french bullshit options.

DO YOU YIELD???

Mr. Flopnuts
04-13-2008, 04:32 PM
LMAO If I can't find a "Just say no to toast" bumper sticker, I'm going to have a mess of them made up.

Count Zarth
04-13-2008, 04:35 PM
LMAO If I can't find a "Just say no to toast" bumper sticker, I'm going to have a mess of them made up.

You'll piss off all the Mac users.

ClevelandBronco
04-13-2008, 04:47 PM
We need to quit feeding these guys bread in prison.

I'm sure that some of them are just occasional bread users who only learn more about eating and distributing bread during their time inside.

I'm thinking rice cakes.

whoman69
04-13-2008, 05:39 PM
Hmm, hitting bread products while missing the obvious bane to the American lifestyle, flurodated water.

Mr. Laz
04-13-2008, 05:42 PM
every single person that has ever taken a poop has died

Rain Man
04-13-2008, 05:49 PM
every single person that has ever taken a poop has died

I will stand up to refute your theory. Or maybe I'll sit down, if that better makes the point.

milkman
04-13-2008, 06:02 PM
We need to quit feeding these guys bread in prison.

I'm sure that some of them are just occasional bread users who only learn more about eating and distributing bread during their time inside.

I'm thinking rice cakes.

Stats be damned, you would find a direct link between rice cakes and prison riots.

DenverChief
04-13-2008, 06:05 PM
every single person that has ever taken a poop has died

every single person that posts that every person who has pooped has died, will die

blueballs
04-13-2008, 06:10 PM
With the farmers all growing corn
won't be wheat for bread anyway

Frazod
04-13-2008, 06:13 PM
I hate Big Bread.

mikey23545
04-13-2008, 07:13 PM
No mention of the dreaded bread-autism link?

DenverChief
04-14-2008, 04:39 AM
No mention of the dreaded bread-autism link?

:hmmm:

Bob Dole
04-14-2008, 04:46 AM
every single person that has ever taken a poop has died

Bob Dole doesn't FEEL dead this morning.

mylittlepony
04-14-2008, 05:31 AM
:eek: the Civil war is evil! but still has nothing on bread....the civil war was not a gateway to other ...wait!

Actually after the Boston tea party the english were in disarray. They had no tea to drink with their scones. The lack of tea caused many English to abstain from the scones thus decreasing their killing powers dramatically.

Doh, thats the war on independence. My bad.

crazycoffey
04-14-2008, 05:46 AM
Rainman, right now you should be working on the breakdown of these very serious bread statistics. I need to know - is this just bread across the board? Is there any variance between wheat/rye/white breads. Where does my love of the pita and Flour Tortilla rate in these new findings? Is this just for flour based carbs - what about Cornmeal?

There is so much more we need to be doing about this. Ohhhh, the humanity.