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Silock
04-22-2008, 11:28 PM
Sorry if reaphost. I'm guessing this is total bullshit, but it's certainly within the realm of possibility.

When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

Thig Lyfe
04-22-2008, 11:31 PM
Oh my God.

That's... that's just...

f*ck.

Thig Lyfe
04-22-2008, 11:31 PM
What's that from, by the way?

SNR
04-22-2008, 11:34 PM
Wow :doh!:

T-post Tom
04-22-2008, 11:36 PM
This may have been the precursor to "2 Girls, 1 Cup."

SBK
04-22-2008, 11:37 PM
Classic!

Mr. Flopnuts
04-22-2008, 11:42 PM
LMAO That is TRULY epic.

Chiefmanwillcatch
04-22-2008, 11:46 PM
that story enlightened all of our lives for the better.

thank you my friend.

Phobia
04-22-2008, 11:53 PM
This has to be true. Steven King himself could not conceive of something quite this demented. I could actually visualize dude standing at the commode breaking his colossal turd into third.

Rausch
04-22-2008, 11:56 PM
I liked Tucker Tries Buttsex (http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/tucker_tries_buttsex_hilarity_does_not_ensue.phtml) better...

Ari Chi3fs
04-22-2008, 11:59 PM
Poor guy.

I am in the process of doing a colon cleanse with these herbs, and holy shit. This morning, I passed two of the most disgusting things I have ever seen.

One about 15 inches long, the other at least 12 inches... and that was just ONE of my poop sessions today. I have dumped about 5 times today.

Unreal the shit that can accumulate inside of you over time.

Mr. Flopnuts
04-23-2008, 12:00 AM
Wow :doh!:

I imagine :doh!: is about how it felt.

Rausch
04-23-2008, 12:01 AM
Poor guy.

I am in the process of doing a colon cleanse with these herbs, and holy shit. This morning, I passed two of the most disgusting things I have ever seen.

One about 15 inches long, the other at least 12 inches... and that was just ONE of my poop sessions today. I have dumped about 5 times today.

Unreal the shit that can accumulate inside of you over time.

Hopefully a top-down and not a bottom-up...

Guru
04-23-2008, 12:07 AM
ROFL

Silock
04-23-2008, 12:08 AM
Poor guy.

I am in the process of doing a colon cleanse with these herbs, and holy shit. This morning, I passed two of the most disgusting things I have ever seen.

One about 15 inches long, the other at least 12 inches... and that was just ONE of my poop sessions today. I have dumped about 5 times today.

Unreal the shit that can accumulate inside of you over time.

I'd get myself to a doctor. If you are passing shit that's built up inside you, then you aren't functioning correctly. If your system is working, there shouldn't be anything built up inside you, regardless of what those scam sites say.

Silock
04-23-2008, 12:09 AM
What's that from, by the way?

No idea. I reposted it from another site that I frequent.

Ari Chi3fs
04-23-2008, 12:15 AM
I'd get myself to a doctor. If you are passing shit that's built up inside you, then you aren't functioning correctly. If your system is working, there shouldn't be anything built up inside you, regardless of what those scam sites say.


Wait. Are you THE Dr. Silock?


Dude, our body can't fully digest a lot of shit... especially meat, and a lot of it sits in your intestines for a very long time.

I have been on it now for a week, and have lost 5 pounds.

Most people when they die have 30-40 pounds of waste in them... so, Im getting the shit out. Believe what you wish, my friend.

and yes Rausch... it is the Top down. heh. No enemas. ROFL

stlchiefs
04-23-2008, 12:15 AM
That'll teach her to try to stick her finger up a man's butt. All women should read this story.

Chiefs_5627
04-23-2008, 12:20 AM
OMG!!! :shake: :eek: ROFL:doh!: :( :holdman:Raiduhs

Silock
04-23-2008, 01:01 AM
Dude, our body can't fully digest a lot of shit... especially meat, and a lot of it sits in your intestines for a very long time.

That's not true at all. There are plenty of reasons to avoid red meat, but digestion isn't one of them. The cholesterol will stay in your system for a long time, but the fats and proteins are digested within hours.

I have been on it now for a week, and have lost 5 pounds.

Water weight and diet changes. It has nothing to do with the amount of shit in your system. When I was prepping for my colonoscopy, I lost 8 pounds overnight. Guess what? I'm not overweight. I'm 5'11" and weigh 172 pounds. That put me underweight. Guess how I gained it all back? Drinking water.

Most people when they die have 30-40 pounds of waste in them... so, Im getting the shit out. Believe what you wish, my friend.

That's total crap, dude. Pun not intended. Talk to your doctor. I guarantee he'll tell you the exact same thing. If you have shit in you that's not passed, then I guarantee you there is something WRONG with you. It is NOT normal to have "pounds" of undigested material and shit in your system. Call your doctor. You don't have to make an appointment. Just call him and ask him. I guarantee you he'll tell you that it's unnecessary and potentially harmful.

I realize it may be difficult for you to accept that you're wrong, but I'm not posting this to make a fool out of you. I believe them to be dangerous and I hate seeing people get swindled out of their money. These are links from DOCTORS talking about this. Please, I beg you. Educate yourself from medical professionals and not people trying to make a buck off of you.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/colon-cleansing/AN00065

http://www.livescience.com/health/060808_bad_colon.html

http://www.mdanderson.org/diseases/colorectal/display.cfm?id=80b56700-7f3d-11d4-aec800508bdcce3a&method=displayfull

http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/colon-cleansers-are-they-safe

T-post Tom
04-23-2008, 01:15 AM
Wait. Are you THE Dr. Silock?


Dude, our body can't fully digest a lot of shit... especially meat, and a lot of it sits in your intestines for a very long time.

I have been on it now for a week, and have lost 5 pounds.

Most people when they die have 30-40 pounds of waste in them... so, Im getting the shit out. Believe what you wish, my friend.

and yes Rausch... it is the Top down. heh. No enemas. ROFL

Silock is right, brother. Might I suggest this:

http://video.aol.com/partner/hulu/saturday-night-live-colon-blow/feqaU4X8926BBZoi11DZMELJ2TunZ9oc

big nasty kcnut
04-23-2008, 01:52 AM
Wow poor guy who get that she going to be a prue about anything fun sexually.

DenverChief
04-23-2008, 05:07 AM
It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire.
LMAO LMAO LMAO


I didn't make it past that

DenverChief
04-23-2008, 06:40 AM
I liked Tucker Tries Buttsex (http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/tucker_tries_buttsex_hilarity_does_not_ensue.phtml) better...

LMAO