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View Full Version : MU Barking Carnival: 2008 Missouri Football Preview - State of the Union


|Zach|
08-22-2008, 11:52 AM
http://www.barkingcarnival.com/henryjames/2008-missouri-football-preview-state-of-the-union

When Gary Pinkel arrived at Missouri, he shook up the Big 12 North by being the only head coach to wear a visor in December. The resulting brain freeze explained his 13-17 record at Missouri in games played after November 1st. It’s cold up there, Gary. He turned the corner against Kansas by slicing open Mark Mangino like a tauntaun and climbing inside his ample abdomen to stay warm. It worked. They won the North, but he still couldn’t beat Oklahoma in two tries.

He’s now part of Mack Brown’s Facebook Mafia.

It all starts for Missouri on offense. Offensive coordinator Dave Christensen has been with Pinkel for over 15 years. Perhaps because the relationship got stale, Christensen installed the spread offense three years ago. It was the relationship equivalent of getting a boob job. Now Pinkel loves to come to work though he hardly looks Christensen in the eye anymore.

Quarterback Chase Daniel is one of the best in the country. He’s also at least 36 years old and no taller than 5′6″. How do I know this? Because I checked out his profile on IMDB. Duh. He’s a street baller at heart (watch the The Wonder Year’s opening credits) who gets the most out of his limited physical skills. Unless you watch Nick at Nite, you won’t be seeing Daniel on tv after this season.


Daniel only had 10 picks last year.

Missouri does want to run the ball. They’re quite open about it. In fact, that’s exactly how they say it. ‘Missouri does want to run the ball.’ Missouri coaches and players frequently refer to themselves in the third party. Like ‘Gary Pinkel is hungry,’ or ‘Chase Daniel is getting on this roller coaster.’ Will they miss running back Tony Temple? In a word, no. Granted he was one of the few tailbacks who could actually hide behind Daniel, but he was oft injured and never had a breakout season. The Cotton Bowl game against Arkansas was a statistical outlier. Look for Missouri to split carries between senior Jimmy Jackson and sophomore Derrick Washington. Good rule of thumb. If you’re looking for a tailback, don’t go past the $20.

Jeremy Maclin is the best all around player in the country not named Percy Harvin. He’s a witch who accounted for almost 2,800 total yards and 16 touchdowns last season. Danario Alexander and Tommy Saunders return as the X and Z receivers, so named because that’s where they are alphabetically on Daniel’s progression of reads. They’re a lot better than Kevin Arnold and Paul Pfeiffer though. Tight end Chase Coffman is one of the best in the Big 12 and will catch more balls than a mousetrap on Clay Aiken’s chin. They’re able to put him in the slot where he causes matchup problems, both receiving and blocking. The graduation of Martin Rucker will hurt them though in the two tight end set because their number two played Chrissy Seaver on Growing Pains.

The offensive line is made up of four guys 6’5” 305 and one 6’8” giant at right tackle. Christensen is also the line coach, and the spread puts more pasty white dudes in position to succeed than Groton. The problem is that they don’t have any depth outside of a bunch of freshmen. Austin Wuebbels is the most promising among them because of his ability to wobble without falling down.

The Missouri defense is…well, not quite really good…um…how about pretty good? That’ll do. Missouri needs to take the next step. Defensive coordinator Matt Eberflus has a saying, ‘Don’t show me the pain, show me the baby.’ In the past this led to more abortions than the Serbian takeover of Bosnia. They have some very good individual players among their ten returning starters, but unlike say Kansas, they’re not much better than the sum of their parts. Think of them as the Audioslave of Big 12 defenses.

Their best parts are on the defensive line. Ziggy Hood is a featureless mass at defensive tackle who finds humor in the mundane. Such as the tackle Missouri coaches will line up alongside him. Defensive end is Tommy Chavis from West Orange Stark. At the very least you know he can probably run. Dudes from that place generally can. His fellow defensive end Stryker Sulak of Rockdale is four popped collars cool. Check out his picture, ladies. Yeah, that’s Drakkar Noir you smell.

Sean Weatherspoon is the best linebacker in the Big 12. He’s an honor student from Jasper that Texas passed on. To be fair, being an honor student at Jasper usually just means that you understand your Miranda rights well enough to waive them. But Weatherspoon is a legit talent and quality kid who will play in the NFL. He’s joined by two white guys named Brock and Van, both senior returning starters. Their mothers drive minivans with their respective son’s name and ‘Missouri Football’ on a sticker on the rear window.

William Moore from Hayti, Missouri is the best player on the defense. The team trainer has to blow scopolamine in Moore’s face before each game to control him, but he still led the nation with 8 interceptions. An NFL paycheck is in his future. He missed the spring after injuring himself in a necklacing incident, but you can’t keep a ****ing zombie from playing. You just can’t. Cornerback Carl Gettis might be a future star at the position, and he’s paired with Castine Bridges. Both have good size. Bridges and strong safety Justin Garrett are both seniors.

Missouri has the talent and experience, and they finally won their division. Oklahoma isn’t on the schedule, and they get both Illinois and Kansas at neutral sites. The North championship goes in streaks. First Nebraska dominated, then Kansas State and then Colorado had their run. Now it’s Missouri’s time. Anything less than a North championship will be considered a disappointment.

But can they win Big 12?

I’m from Missouri. You’ll have to show me.

For more on Mizzou Football check out our friends at Mizzourah!

Pitt Gorilla
08-22-2008, 12:02 PM
Eh, it's pretty good, but K-State's preview made me literally laugh out loud. The before and after tornado pics were priceless.

Frazod
08-22-2008, 12:36 PM
He turned the corner against Kansas by slicing open Mark Mangino like a tauntaun and climbing inside his ample abdomen to stay warm. It worked.

Ouch. LMAO

kepp
08-22-2008, 01:52 PM
I like these BC writeups. Funny stuff.

Midnight_Vulture
08-22-2008, 02:17 PM
I read a review of Mizzou's scrimmage and apparently they were pretty awful including Chase.

Mizzou will most likely loss week 1 to Illinois. Sucks to have your National Title hopes destroyed the very first week.:thumb:

El Jefe
08-22-2008, 02:20 PM
I read a review of Mizzou's scrimmage and apparently they were pretty awful including Chase.

Mizzou will most likely loss week 1 to Illinois. Sucks to have your National Title hopes destroyed the very first week.:thumb:

Midnight, due me a favor and go put DaneMcloud back in his place, he is gloating about all his rich friend again.

Sure-Oz
08-22-2008, 02:23 PM
I read a review of Mizzou's scrimmage and apparently they were pretty awful including Chase.

Mizzou will most likely loss week 1 to Illinois. Sucks to have your National Title hopes destroyed the very first week.:thumb:

Yeah they lost the magic from last season, its not like they knew how to play in the first place.

Frazod
08-22-2008, 02:27 PM
I read a review of Mizzou's scrimmage and apparently they were pretty awful including Chase.

Mizzou will most likely loss week 1 to Illinois. Sucks to have your National Title hopes destroyed the very first week.:thumb:

After Missouri wins this game, will you shut the f#ck up and go back to stealing computers?

Buehler445
08-22-2008, 02:31 PM
I read a review of Mizzou's scrimmage and apparently they were pretty awful including Chase.

Mizzou will most likely loss week 1 to Illinois. Sucks to have your National Title hopes destroyed the very first week.:thumb:

Dude, I'm a KU fan and that was ****ing dumb. Go away please.
Posted via Mobile Device

Pitt Gorilla
08-22-2008, 02:34 PM
After Missouri wins this game, will you shut the f#ck up and go back to stealing computers?I really hope we win the game, but MU has some issues. Injuries will keep Denario out of the game and potentially Perry. Some new receivers will have to step up. Will the new blood lead to a turnover or two? Also, our left tackle and center are new starters. If they play well, I think we win. If they struggle, it could be a battle. Our D, however, should be solid.

LOCOChief
08-22-2008, 02:38 PM
I am really looking forward to 11/29. I predict the score at half will be Mizzou 24, Kansas 3 and Midnight Vulture will miss the whole fuggin thing because he's workin the mens room at KCI that weekend.

Bearcat
08-22-2008, 02:42 PM
Nothing beats seeing "This message is hidden because Midnight_Vulture is on your ignore list. " followed by 17 people who feel the need to respond to every... f***ing... post. :cuss:


It'll be an interesting year in college football, and I'm looking forward to seeing where the best Big 12 teams end up at the end of the year.

Spott
08-22-2008, 02:54 PM
I would have read a review of Mizzou's scrimmage if I wasn't illerate and found out that Chase looked good in 7 on 7 drills.

Sucks to have your National Title hopes destroyed the very first week.:thumb:

It must suck that your only connection to your college team is that you stole a computer from a guy in California and you got your white trash wife beater in Georgia.

Lzen
08-22-2008, 03:00 PM
Nothing beats seeing "This message is hidden because Midnight_Vulture is on your ignore list. " followed by 17 people who feel the need to respond to every... f***ing... post. :cuss:


It'll be an interesting year in college football, and I'm looking forward to seeing where the best Big 12 teams end up at the end of the year.

What browser do you use? There is a wonderful add on for Firefox. It's called FfVb. You won't ever see anything by someone on your ignore list, even when they are quoted by others who are not on your ignore list.

Bearcat
08-22-2008, 03:25 PM
It must suck that your only connection to your college team is that you stole a computer from a guy in California and you got your white trash wife beater in Georgia.

You son of a bitch....


;)

What browser do you use? There is a wonderful add on for Firefox. It's called FfVb. You won't ever see anything by someone on your ignore list, even when they are quoted by others who are not on your ignore list.

I use IE because I have to... it's a work laptop and I can't install anything on it. I am aware of CPIggy, but didn't know about FfVb. But, I just thought of something.... :hmmm:

Bearcat
08-22-2008, 03:37 PM
I use IE because I have to... it's a work laptop and I can't install anything on it. I am aware of CPIggy, but didn't know about FfVb. But, I just thought of something.... :hmmm:

I just installed it to a memory key -- which only works for about 1 of every 10 programs I try to install to it, but Slingbox and Firefox are well worth failing 18 more times -- and now this thread looks SO much better!

PBJ PBJ