View Full Version : Fantasy Football Schrager trashes Chiefs in FF article....funny.

08-27-2008, 02:02 PM
I know this should be in the Casinoplanet, but I thought more people would see it here......before it gets moved.


08-27-2008, 02:03 PM
All over the Internet this month, you'll find "tips" for first-time fantasy football owners. Boring, standard stuff. Draft a good quarterback. Check. Take a bunch of running backs. Got it. Stay away from any of the Kansas City Chiefs. Obvious.

But fantasy football is more than just touchdowns, field goals and avoiding all things Brodie Croyle. It's a social experience, a chance to make — and make fun of — friends and strangers. In a good fantasy league, the message board is as important to the league's overall success as the waiver wire. Likewise, the owner with the eighth-best team out of 10 may just very well be the league's most valuable owner or, M.V.O.
Fantasy football is more than a simple game of numbers. Old friends from college reunite through it, family members living thousands of miles away from each other come together, and strangers become lifelong enemies. You can break barriers at work, pulling off a big trade with your vice president. Or you can find the love of your life, joining a public league, and bonding with someone over drafting Steve Slaton late in the 14th round.

You know those eHarmony commercials where those two people are bowling and talking about how "sexy" their voices sounded on the phone the first time they talked? That could be you! Only, you'll be arm and arm with the future love of your life, whispering sweet nothings about Michael Turner and the ineptitude of the Atlanta Falcons' offensive line.
Like Red Bull or a pedicure, everyone should try fantasy football at least once in their life. This is the year to do it.
If you're new to the game, you're going to want to do it right. Follow these 10 tips.

1. Avoid picking a terribly cheesy team name: Fantasy football team names can really be hit or miss. More often than not, you can tell the type of owner you're dealing with based on his or her team name. If it's a reference to "Anchorman," "Zoolander," "Pineapple Express," "Chappelle's Show," "The Office," "Animal House," Will Ferrell's More Cowbell skit, or that Tucker Max guy, then you're dealing with an unoriginal person. These owners are typically sensitive to criticism about said team name, insecure about their first-round draft selections, and quick to deny any trade offer — only to call you up minutes later with a request to discuss further. They have MySpace and Facebook pages in which their pictures feature them drinking from beer funnels or playing beer pong, and they likely have tattoos of their fraternity letters somewhere on their body. Oh, and they never win the league. Never. Other team names to avoid: inside jokes between you and just one other league member; forced use of alliteration; anything with your first or last name in it.
2. Get on your commissioner's good side: At some point in the season, there's going to be an issue between two team owners in which the commissioner will have to play the role of judge and make a final ruling. Whether or not to veto a shady trade between two cousins, or to let someone change their lineup after the 1 p.m. games start because they were at a funeral — the reasons for such disputes are endless. There's a good chance that you — the rookie owner — are going to be involved in one of these. If you're on the commissioner's good side from the start, your chances for "winning" the dispute increase tremendously. How do you get on the commissioner's good side? Several ways. The easiest and least corrupt? Simply commend the commish every so often via e-mail or the message board. Fantasy football commissioner is a thankless job, and it goes a long way to hear a little appreciation. A slow Wednesday? Send a post with the subject "Great League" to the message board, and write a quick note about how well run the whole season's been. Pathetic? Sure. Sound strategy? You bet.
3. Whatever you do, do not give up on the season until it's all over: It happens every year — a fantasy team starts off 0-10, the owner forgets to put their lineup in for Week 11, and some other owner misses the playoffs because your best player was on the bench. Don't be the quitter. There's no quitting in fantasy football. Even if your team is full of Kansas City Chiefs.
4. Keep track of the waiver wire: This may require the most time and effort of your fantasy football experience, but it will also reap the greatest rewards. Every season, there are a handful of guys who were not drafted in August that end up being fantasy football superstars by October. Kurt Warner in '99, Anquan Boldin in '03, Marques Colston in '06, Ryan Grant in '07 — the list of "out of nowhere" fantasy stars is endless. You should keep an eye on the rosters of all 32 teams, and be ready to pounce on a free-agent pickup if/when available. Injuries occur all the time — don't sleep on getting the likely replacements. I once won a league with Troy Hambrick and Shawn Bryson starting at running back in the finals. These things happen! Anything's possible with the waiver wire.
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=3 width=193 align=right border=0><TBODY><TR><TD>http://msn.foxsports.com/id/8477918_36_2.jpg</TD></TR><TR><TD class=caption>Rule No. 3: There's no quitting in fantasy football, even if your team is full of Kansas City Chiefs. (G. Newman Lowrance / Getty Images)</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
5. Don't pay much attention to the "fantasy football experts" on TV: Trust me. They know no more than you. In most cases, they're doing nothing more than just taking guesses and trying to think of new nicknames for themselves. You know who else can take guesses? Your dog. If the "experts" are not busy taking guesses, they're usually just stating the obvious. "start LaDainian Tomlinson" and "don't Start Quinn Gray" is not exactly rocket science. Ignore those guys. Just trust your gut. After all, this is your team, not theirs.
6. Write at least one clever message board post per week: The message board is the lifeblood of the league. It's the central nervous system that gets everything going and keeps things fresh. Don't be a fly on the wall and solely read the messages. Contribute your own content at least once a week, too. Pick fights, complain about Mike Shanahan's running back decisions, post an incriminating picture of one of your rival team owners from his/her awkward adolescent years. Do something. Stay active on that thing. Make it worth your investment of time. Some of the best laughs you'll have this fall will be from reading that message board.
7. Don't draft too many guys from your favorite NFL team: So you're a Jets fan. We get it. You wear green underwear and have one of those fireman hats. That's great. The worst thing you can do, then, is decorate your fantasy team with Brett Favre, Thomas Jones and Chris Baker. Though it may seem like the right thing to do as a fan, you're only going to hate yourself for doing it. It's bad enough when your favorite team has a bad week — why put yourself through the ringer twice by having them ruin your fantasy squad too? Spread your team members out — and don't go heavy on the favorite team. It's kinda dorky to do that, anyway.
8. Don't blabber all day at work about your fantasy team: The darkest secret of fantasy sports? Nobody in the world cares about your team but you. Nobody! Not your wife, not your mother, and especially not your co-workers. I know, it's shocking news to hear this considering all the ad dollars, references and online stuff you see about fantasy football. But it's true. There's absolutely nothing worse than sitting at a water cooler on Monday morning and having some guy from marketing go player by player on his team, telling you how many points each one scored "for him" on Sunday afternoon. And these horrendous conversations always — yes, always — end with "And I need (fill in the blank) to score (fill in the blank) points tonight in the Monday night game."
Do not be the person guilty of going on and on about fantasy football all day in the office. The second that person finishes any conversation about their fantasy football team, the person they're speaking with takes a deep breath and kicks himself for losing the last 10 minutes of his or her life. The only Monday morning water cooler chat that's worse than fantasy football talk is the incessant reciting of lines from "Entourage." Of course, it just so happens that the guy who is guilty of the former tends to be the one doing the latter as well.
9. Don't wear the jersey of your first-round pick to the sports bar: Huge losers do this. Don't be a huge loser. If you're not a Redskins fan, you should not own a Clinton Portis jersey.
10. Never refer to yourself in the third person or by your first name and the word "man" attached to it: This really has nothing to do with fantasy football, but should be a general rule of thumb for life. Follow those 10 tips, and you'll be golden this fantasy football season. You might even have some fun along the way. Hell, you might even win your league.

08-27-2008, 02:15 PM

Bob Dole
08-27-2008, 02:53 PM
Bob Dole thinks number 10 is patently ridiculous.

Tits McGee
08-27-2008, 04:05 PM
What was that whole Anchorman thing?
I'm hurt...

Tits McGee
08-27-2008, 04:07 PM
I haven't had an original thought since 8th grade.

08-27-2008, 04:16 PM
I haven't had an original thought since 8th grade.

I believe it.

08-28-2008, 02:51 PM
Bob Dole thinks number 10 is patently ridiculous.