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Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 09:21 AM
I am not a smart man, not the sharpest tool in the shed, not the brightest bulb. This thread is dedicated to help other people not make the same mistakes I did. Kind of like in pitfall when you get eaten by a gator, or when you send a guy out in war to see if there is any snipers and he gets his head blown off

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 09:23 AM
Lesson number 1. If there is a couch by the dumpster, don't put it in your place, you don't know what it has on it and it will probably scratch the concrete and make you worried that you will have to pay for the scratched concrete (If anyone knows how to get scrapes or scratches off of concrete let me know. it is somewhat if a trail... to lead you to a dipshit that tried to take a couch from a dumpster.

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 09:27 AM
Lesson number 2. If you wear glasses and they break. Order new glasses and don't put them off. I broke my glasses. Decided to try to super glue them. So I superglued them but got glue on my lenses. Then tried to scrape the glue off. The glasses then got stuck to my head and were blurry from the super glue. I ripped off my glasses taking off a chunk of my head and blead quite a bit. So now i have super glue and a bleading head. So then I googled it and read that nail polish remover will remove the glue. So I went to the store and got a funny look from the lady. Went home and dumped remover all over my glasses. It took the glue off but also screwed up my table. When the glue was gone I realized I scratched the crapshit out of my glasses trying to remove the super glue. Glasses Screwed, Tabled fooked, head bleeding, super glue used.

Fritz88
01-30-2009, 09:29 AM
Thanks Demon, any Cincinate bow tie pitfalls?

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 09:32 AM
Thanks Demon, any Cincinate bow tie pitfalls?

no matter what position you are in make sure you don't ask her to move even if her pussy keeps on making fart sounds. it is just rude. Also it is unromantic if you are having sexual intercourse and you tell her the sounds your penis is making when entering a vagina sounds like when you were dipping your spoon into cottage cheese for breakfest

Dartgod
01-30-2009, 09:32 AM
I learned this one a loooooong time ago.

If you're making out with a drunk chick and she says she thinks she's gonna puke, get out of the way.....fast!

Fritz88
01-30-2009, 09:33 AM
I learned this one a loooooong time ago.

If you're making out with a drunk chick and she says she thinks she's gonna puke, get out of the way.....fast!

Fuck.

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 09:33 AM
It is also un romantic if you start kissing but her nose is making a weezing sound...to stop and put a breathe right strip on her nose. It will just make her unhorny and make her look like neil smith.

Toadkiller
01-30-2009, 09:37 AM
Life Lesson: A friend told me this one umm really. When with a chick and she gives you crabs, try flea shampoo for dogs, it works and saves you an embarrassing trip to the doc.

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 09:39 AM
Life Lesson: A friend told me this one umm really. When with a chick and she gives you crabs, try flea shampoo for dogs, it works and saves you an embarrassing trip to the doc.

I just shave my cock and balls like a man. Don't use a shaver deal they use at the barber shop though. too riskey

Bob Dole
01-30-2009, 09:40 AM
I just shave my cock and balls like a man. Don't use a shaver deal they use at the barber shop though. too riskey


By "shaver deal" Bob Dole assumes you mean "razor"?

L.A. Chieffan
01-30-2009, 09:40 AM
penz shuld rite a book

Toadkiller
01-30-2009, 09:41 AM
Pshaw, real men don't shave it they use flea shampoo with DDT in it.

Baby Lee
01-30-2009, 09:46 AM
By "shaver deal" Bob Dole assumes you mean "razor"?

http://www.global-b2b-network.com/direct/dbimage/50056584/Professional_AC_Power_Clippers.jpg

Mr. Plow
01-30-2009, 09:52 AM
Life lesson: Saying "Hold my beer and watch this" never ends well.

rad
01-30-2009, 09:53 AM
It is also un romantic if you start kissing but her nose is making a weezing sound...to stop and put a breathe right strip on her nose. It will just make her unhorny and make her look like neil smith.

LMAO

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 09:57 AM
By "shaver deal" Bob Dole assumes you mean "razor"?

I ment clippers. the thing that goes BRRRRRR VRAP BRRRR BRAP when your balls get caught in them

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 09:59 AM
Pshaw, real men don't shave it they use flea shampoo with DDT in it.

DDT? Like what diamond dallas page does? BANG!

Gonzo
01-30-2009, 10:02 AM
When your making out with your girl outdoors and it's cold out, don't freak out if she drips snot on you. Just shake it off and continue. She will then grant access to the furburger due to your smoothness.

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 10:02 AM
make sure your xbox 360 is off before you jack with it. If falls over it will screw your came up making perfect circular scratches on the disk

DeezNutz
01-30-2009, 10:03 AM
If a girl ever asks, "What's your fantasy?" Never respond with, "Not this." Even if it's true.

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 10:05 AM
Also don't refer to her boobs as coleco vision controlers and her pussy as game genie. She won't understand awesome it is have P wings in every level in mario 3

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 10:06 AM
Not every small black girl is named tootie

Agent V
01-30-2009, 10:09 AM
Also don't refer to her boobs as coleco vision controlers and her pussy as game genie. She won't understand awesome it is have P wings in every level in mario 3
ROFL

Mr. Plow
01-30-2009, 10:11 AM
Not every small black girl is named tootie

ROFL

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 10:13 AM
Take a day off if you need to clean your apartment. Don't just spray your floor with water and scoot around with socks on. You are just going to have dirty socks AND a dirty floor

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 10:16 AM
Buy a guitar stand. Especially if you break shit. Be careful with gorilla glue (not gorilla semen..like this super glue stuff) I was gluing my guitar back together and got some on my hand and jeans. If you do get it on your jeans RESIST the urge to scratch your balls.

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 10:16 AM
Bissells and other non electronic sweeper deals are ok, but they aren't miricle workers. Don't expect them to sweep up a piece of roast your dropped

Gonzo
01-30-2009, 10:17 AM
Resist the urge to smoke 3 bowls, drink 8 shots of Jager and then post on C.P.

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 10:18 AM
Any website that has the word Jailbait is probably illegal although googling "is jailbait.com legal? Will bring up some good pictures.

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 10:20 AM
If you drive an 88 ford tempo. Just accept it. It is a red piece of shit, it isn't the general lee, you aren't vin diesel. So don't press the break and gas together rev the engine and slam it in drive. You are going to hear a loud bang followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again

Buck
01-30-2009, 10:21 AM
These life lessons would be easier to comprehend if they were illustrated.

I'm just sayin....

Gonzo
01-30-2009, 10:23 AM
Any website that has the word Jailbait is probably illegal although googling "is jailbait.com legal? Will bring up some good pictures.


http://www.letmegooglethatforyou.com/?q=WTF+is+going+on+here%3F

DeezNutz
01-30-2009, 10:24 AM
Though you think it would be, "Oh Shit!" is not a universally known and accepted courtesy tap.

Dayze
01-30-2009, 10:26 AM
Also don't refer to her boobs as coleco vision controlers and her pussy as game genie. She won't understand awesome it is have P wings in every level in mario 3

lmao.

ROFLROFL

Dayze
01-30-2009, 10:29 AM
ROFLROFLIf you drive an 88 ford tempo. Just accept it. It is a red piece of shit, it isn't the general lee, you aren't vin diesel. So don't press the break and gas together rev the engine and slam it in drive. You are going to hear a loud bang followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again

ROFL

Dude...you need to write a book.

The best part of these is the 'impression' that these events may have happaned to you.

holy sh*t these are great.

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 10:29 AM
picky people make picky babies

Dayze
01-30-2009, 10:29 AM
These life lessons would be easier to comprehend if they were illustrated.

I'm just sayin....

x2

The 'artwork' is second to none.

Brock
01-30-2009, 10:30 AM
ROFLROFL

ROFL

Dude...you need to write a book.

The best part of these is the 'impression' that these events may have happaned to you.

holy sh*t these are great.

I agree. Totally off the wall. I'm seeing dollar signs.

Dartgod
01-30-2009, 10:31 AM
The 'penz is the most underrated poster on this site.

dirk digler
01-30-2009, 10:42 AM
Not every small black girl is named tootie

LMAO

BigRichard
01-30-2009, 10:43 AM
I ment clippers. the thing that goes BRRRRRR VRAP BRRRR BRAP when your balls get caught in them

This does hurt like a bitch.

dirk digler
01-30-2009, 10:44 AM
If you drive an 88 ford tempo. Just accept it. It is a red piece of shit, it isn't the general lee, you aren't vin diesel. So don't press the break and gas together rev the engine and slam it in drive. You are going to hear a loud bang followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again

LMAO

As others have suggested you should write your own book or have your own blog site.

rad
01-30-2009, 10:44 AM
If you drive an 88 ford tempo. Just accept it. It is a red piece of shit, it isn't the general lee, you aren't vin diesel. So don't press the break and gas together rev the engine and slam it in drive. You are going to hear a loud bang followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again

OMG!!ROFLROFL

Stewie
01-30-2009, 10:47 AM
If you drive an 88 ford tempo. Just accept it. It is a red piece of shit, it isn't the general lee, you aren't vin diesel. So don't press the break and gas together rev the engine and slam it in drive. You are going to hear a loud bang followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again

ROFLROFLROFL

That's the funniest damn thing I've read in a long time. REP!

Baby Lee
01-30-2009, 10:48 AM
Buy a guitar stand. Especially if you break shit. Be careful with gorilla glue (not gorilla semen..like this super glue stuff) I was gluing my guitar back together and got some on my hand and jeans. If you do get it on your jeans RESIST the urge to scratch your balls.

It's like a Buster Keaton short.

I've got something broken, I've got a powerful glue, I've got itchy nuts, start the camera and let the hijinks ensue!!

Dayze
01-30-2009, 10:49 AM
this part had me laughing in tears...

...followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again

ROFL

Buck
01-30-2009, 10:57 AM
Explain please

Stroking clearence carl don't stroke so fast, if my stuff aint tight enough you can stick up my WHEW i be strokin

rad
01-30-2009, 03:54 PM
Explain please

Stroking clearence carl don't stroke so fast, if my stuff aint tight enough you can stick up my WHEW i be strokin

Who said this?

KcMizzou
01-30-2009, 03:56 PM
Explain please

Stroking clearence carl don't stroke so fast, if my stuff aint tight enough you can stick up my WHEW i be strokinLMAO

Supa Fly!! Do or die!!!

KcMizzou
01-30-2009, 03:57 PM
Who said this?Clarence Carter

Buck
01-30-2009, 03:59 PM
Who said this?

Who do you think?

It was Dpenz

rad
01-30-2009, 04:02 PM
Who do you think?

It was Dpenz

You think DP is the only part-time incoherent poster here?

See: My sig......;)

Mark M
01-30-2009, 04:08 PM
When a woman asks you, "How do I look in this?" she does not, in fact, want to know how she looks in that. She wants you to say, "Wonderful!" no matter the truth.

Do not, under any circumstances, answer that question with, "Like an over-stuffed leather recliner someone tried to shove into a pillow case ... ?"

Don't. Just ... don't.

MM
~~:shake: :)

excessive
01-30-2009, 04:15 PM
lmfao

Kyle DeLexus
01-30-2009, 04:15 PM
This is officially the first thread I've ever subscribed. Demonpenz has been my favorite poster on here since I've joined. The best stories with the best pictures

Buck
01-30-2009, 04:28 PM
You think DP is the only part-time incoherent poster here?

See: My sig......;)

Damn you

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 04:40 PM
if someone can help me i would love to blog. It sucks that the only thing in my life that I have been good at is being crazy, funny, and screwing up shit. Besides just going to LA or NY and hitting the clubs for stand up and email my stories I don't know what to do as far as my talent.

88TG88
01-30-2009, 04:46 PM
if someone can help me i would love to blog. It sucks that the only thing in my life that I have been good at is being crazy, funny, and screwing up shit. Besides just going to LA or NY and hitting the clubs for stand up and email my stories I don't know what to do as far as my talent.

Stand on a street corner and give public lessons. A man with your genious should not be limited to only CP posters.

BTW, when you're on the corner flail your arms and yell loudly so people will listen.

Kyle DeLexus
01-30-2009, 04:53 PM
if someone can help me i would love to blog. It sucks that the only thing in my life that I have been good at is being crazy, funny, and screwing up shit. Besides just going to LA or NY and hitting the clubs for stand up and email my stories I don't know what to do as far as my talent.

It's better than if your only talent was giving $5 handjobs to people at stoplights.

kysirsoze
01-30-2009, 05:00 PM
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


-Dave Barry

AustinChief
01-30-2009, 05:06 PM
When a woman asks you, "How do I look in this?" she does not, in fact, want to know how she looks in that. She wants you to say, "Wonderful!" no matter the truth.

Do not, under any circumstances, answer that question with, "Like an over-stuffed leather recliner someone tried to shove into a pillow case ... ?"

Don't. Just ... don't.

MM
~~:shake: :)

Damn it! I was going to post the ad (australian I think) where the girl asks "do these pants make me look fat" and the guy answers... "no you fat ass makes you look fat".. or something along those lines...

BUT I can't find it anywhere.... that ad and the one where the guy wakes up next to a girl and you can tell they are at her house where there are pics of her and her husband who isn't this guy....and she asks if he wants the last (insert brand name beer) and he says "MO WAY! I wouldn't take my best mates last (insert brand name beer)!" Does anyone know where to find either of these?

stevieray
01-30-2009, 05:07 PM
Life is short, even its longest days.


John Mellencamp

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 05:07 PM
Stand on a street corner and give public lessons. A man with your genious should not be limited to only CP posters.

BTW, when you're on the corner flail your arms and yell loudly so people will listen.

i used to play guitar down on the plaza and make fun of people but people got pissed at me making fun of their puma's

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 06:19 PM
Society frowns upon this sort of entertainment setup

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 06:21 PM
Stolen hand sanitizer and your moms razors shouldn't complete your shower experience

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 06:24 PM
if you want to play rockband drums and sing buy a mic stand, don't tape microphone to hockey stick

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 06:28 PM
you may be lazy, but buying 30 sliders to last you all weekend is not healthy

CoMoChief
01-30-2009, 06:29 PM
Don't pee on the electric fence!

KcMizzou
01-30-2009, 06:29 PM
"Lifestyles of the Dazed and Confused"

CoMoChief
01-30-2009, 06:30 PM
you may be lazy, but buying 30 sliders to last you all weekend is not healthy

Mmmm Cravecase

PRIEST
01-30-2009, 06:31 PM
Lay down with dogs , get up with fleas .:D

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 06:34 PM
Just because you buy miller high life cammo edition doesn't mean people can't see that you are drinking beer

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 06:45 PM
if you are asking for table at a restaurant don't say "table for 4 for Ted DiBiase"

chasedude
01-30-2009, 06:46 PM
Duct (Duck?) Tape and Super Glue always work wonders in the right situation.

Over-Head
01-30-2009, 08:25 PM
If you drive an 88 ford tempo. Just accept it. It is a red piece of shit, it isn't the general lee, you aren't vin diesel. So don't press the break and gas together rev the engine and slam it in drive. You are going to hear a loud bang followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again
ROFL this thread has HOC all over it

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 08:31 PM
note to Ray, buy a frickin guitar slide, miller high life is not acceptable to play blues on

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 08:36 PM
ok so i have a guitar slide, but choose to do shots out of it

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 08:45 PM
even though you are proud you ate 100 packs of pop tarts and sent in to get a free hat, don't wear it outside the house

Reaper16
01-30-2009, 08:58 PM
I disagree that 'penz should write a book. I'm greedy, and want his content to stay free, here at CP, where it belongs.

That said, a book, complete with his trademark ms paint masterpieces, deserves to sell a shit-ton of copies.

Reaper16
01-30-2009, 08:59 PM
Just because you buy miller high life cammo edition doesn't mean people can't see that you are drinking beer
LMAO

Fairplay
01-30-2009, 09:11 PM
no matter what position you are in make sure you don't ask her to move even if her pussy keeps on making fart sounds. it is just rude. Also it is unromantic if you are having sexual intercourse and you tell her the sounds your penis is making when entering a vagina sounds like when you were dipping your spoon into cottage cheese for breakfest



Ha! So true. Try to keep from laughing.

Fairplay
01-30-2009, 09:17 PM
The 'penz is the most underrated poster on this site.



Sort of. I don't think he wants that spotlight though.

I just expect him on here for his commentaries. Mostly off the wall stuff. Funny outbursts with humor riddled within if you don't understand what he is talking about.

Sometimes he is serious. But not that often.


Wouldn't want it any other way.

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 09:19 PM
I won't make any bones about it that I want as much spotlight and attention I can get without being too out there. I take the rep and the :lol: shit like pats on the back that I don't get in every day life.

luv
01-30-2009, 09:25 PM
I won't make any bones about it that I want as much spotlight and attention I can get without being too out there. I take the rep and the :lol: shit like pats on the back that I don't get in every day life.

Good, get drunk with me virtually. We'll call it a day.

Demonpenz
01-30-2009, 09:38 PM
Don't go down on a girl and yell JOHN POPPER and start eating a girl out, Then come up for the chorus of "runaround"

Jenson71
01-30-2009, 10:58 PM
Don't go down on a girl and yell JOHN POPPER and start eating a girl out, Then come up for the chorus of "runaround"

Don't drink that stuff.

Danman
01-31-2009, 11:35 AM
If your buddy says, "Here hold my beer. . . watch this." Run at top speed in the other direction and hope the blast doesn't catch you

MikeMaslowski
01-31-2009, 11:48 AM
If you broke up with a chick like 6 years ago... and she pops up on facebook talking about how she loved your anal sex, do not respond. do not say anything. AT ALL. Especially if your wife has your password.

rockymtnchief
01-31-2009, 11:59 AM
Do not try to carry a portable generator for long distances like you'd carry a case of beer. Gas will leak out of the cap and soak your lap, thus burning your balls. Law enforcement frowns on you standing along the road using wet wipes to clean said balls.

Danman
01-31-2009, 03:06 PM
If you get pulled over by the cops after a night out drinking do not ask the cop to pull your pants up for you.

cabletech94
01-31-2009, 07:07 PM
Do not try to carry a portable generator for long distances like you'd carry a case of beer. Gas will leak out of the cap and soak your lap, thus burning your balls. Law enforcement frowns on you standing along the road using wet wipes to clean said balls.

Don't ever spill diesel fuel on your balls either. It is like liquid death.
DO NOT TEST THIS!!!!!!!!
It is not a theory, it will ruin your weekend.

Bearcat
01-31-2009, 07:23 PM
It is also un romantic if you start kissing but her nose is making a weezing sound...to stop and put a breathe right strip on her nose. It will just make her unhorny and make her look like neil smith.

Also don't refer to her boobs as coleco vision controlers and her pussy as game genie. She won't understand awesome it is have P wings in every level in mario 3

If you drive an 88 ford tempo. Just accept it. It is a red piece of shit, it isn't the general lee, you aren't vin diesel. So don't press the break and gas together rev the engine and slam it in drive. You are going to hear a loud bang followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again

LMAOLMAOLMAOROFLROFLROFL

rad
01-31-2009, 07:39 PM
An Alabama slammer is a drink, not a breed of sheep.

PhillyChiefFan
01-31-2009, 07:41 PM
Attempting to use your car's e-break as a means of entertainment on an icy Hy-Vee parking lot will most likely lead to a $2,000 repair.

No matter how enjoyable it may be, explaining to your dad how you bent your axle while 'seeing how many spins you can get', simply is not worth it.

Demonpenz
02-01-2009, 12:07 AM
having a steady girlfriend is like playing shoots and ladders, when you get to that spot on the game where you can only choose one shute. By that time you better hope you are drunk

Demonpenz
02-06-2009, 01:22 PM
It is not correct to say "WHAT THE ****" to the h and r block guy because you owe in missouri

Baby Lee
02-06-2009, 01:39 PM
Attempting to use your car's e-break as a means of entertainment on an icy Hy-Vee parking lot will most likely lead to a $2,000 repair.

No matter how enjoyable it may be, explaining to your dad how you bent your axle while 'seeing how many spins you can get', simply is not worth it.

No matter how hot you are, it's not endearing or cute when you let your boyfriend drive the car your dad just bought you, then pull the parking brake when he's rounding the corner into the school parking lot.

Oh, and pooping your pants is not an aphrodisiac.

Dayze
02-06-2009, 01:41 PM
It is not correct to say "WHAT THE ****" to the h and r block guy because you owe in missouri

:LOL:

Awesome.

shitgoose
02-06-2009, 01:48 PM
never pet a burning dog

Demonpenz
02-06-2009, 02:27 PM
When you go to the bannister kmart, don't buy the hot dogs. Edit don't eat hotdogs period especially off their floor (even though they may have gathered some dorito's because you haven't vacuumed in awhile and they look oh so good)

Craash
02-06-2009, 07:09 PM
Been a member here a long time??? Check

Post alot?? Not so much.

Laughing my ass off at DP's 'style'?? No F**king doubt.

stevieray
02-06-2009, 07:12 PM
When you go to the bannister kmart, don't buy the hot dogs. Edit don't eat hotdogs period especially off their floor (even though they may have gathered some dorito's because you haven't vacuumed in awhile and they look oh so good)

used to ride my dirt bike behind that kmart...lived in those apts when they were brand new... Barcelona East...kmart used to be closed on sundays back then...used to bum money from my mom and eat mac and cheese in their cafeteria...

Demonpenz
02-08-2009, 12:28 PM
This girl I know asked me how to swing a golfclub if you have big boobs, I replied "I dunno ask phil mickleson

blueballs
02-08-2009, 12:48 PM
Some how this thread about Demonpenz's life lessons
became about everyone's life lessons
like watered down scotch

Demonpenz
02-08-2009, 12:51 PM
I guess that is wrong with the USA today, no one is willing to go the extra mile to do what it takes to help business' I was putting ketchup on my steak one day in applebee's and this snotty young lady failed to bring me another beer, she said she can only carry two beers at a time or some shit. Well she walked her to her boss and mumbled to her boss something stupid I am sure like "I'm a dumb commie I bring shame on this all american eatery" So the boss comes over looking like a fool and was like I am sorry but we only allow one beer per person at a time. Then he said "it is obvouious you probably were drinking before you got her" NOW WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! I told him as I grabbed his name tag. HEY GREG..... GREG that sounds like a commie name. LET ME SHOW YOU MY ID you see THAT. That's MY NRA CARD AND IT'S GOT MY BIRTHDATE ON IT... GOT THAT JACK! NOW YOU WILL GIVE ME A BEER OR I WILL CALL CORPORATE on you and tell them what kind of liberal place you got here. Well Greg and Commie Mcgee talked it over and decided to call the Law. Now I Didn't want no trouble that day but I decided that I have had enough. So I waited in S-10 for the law to show up so I could tell the cop that this person is RED a card carrying commie. Who shows up? Sheriff Hawkins. He tells me to go on my way, wouldn't even give me a to go cup for my brew. Now I now Hawkins was doing his job. His job of shame but some things just aint right

Demonpenz
02-08-2009, 12:54 PM
you might need to get a freaking life if the craziest thing you do is play a reverse card in "uno"

MikeMaslowski
02-08-2009, 12:56 PM
Some how this thread about Demonpenz's life lessons
became about everyone's life lessons
like watered down scotch

If you put a picture of a cooch on your avatar people will pay attention to what you say.

Agent V
02-08-2009, 01:02 PM
We should delete all the other posts and stack demonpez's lessons in the first post.

L.A. Chieffan
02-08-2009, 01:03 PM
i picture penz as a redneck hunter s. thompson.

KcMizzou
02-08-2009, 01:04 PM
i picture penz as a redneck hunter s. thompson.I don't hunt. /'Penz

Kyle DeLexus
02-08-2009, 01:08 PM
And http://demonpenz.blogspot.com/ is now bookmarked for quick access to important life lessons.

TinyEvel
02-08-2009, 01:21 PM
Hey DP, what's your handle name about?

I mean, what's its origin?

Demonpenz
02-08-2009, 02:09 PM
My pops name on his CB was green demon and I like the pittsburgh penguins. I used to be Demonpens, but of course that led to Demonpenis. So I kept my shit gangsta and put a mother trucking Z on the end

Demonpenz
02-08-2009, 02:16 PM
When asked to bring a side dish I once bought 12 orders of fries from the dollar menu from Burger King. People laughed their ass off when I arranged them on the table, but everyone was eating them later on. I think I got the last laugh. The strange thing was the burger king worked asked me "for here or to go?" I know I am overweight but she though me meating 12 orders of fries by myself, in burger king was an option

Demonpenz
02-08-2009, 02:23 PM
Since the plaza and lenexa are miles from each other, I will just use the time driving to sober up.

bdeg
02-08-2009, 02:30 PM
I guess that is wrong with the USA today, no one is willing to go the extra mile to do what it takes to help business' I was putting ketchup on my steak one day in applebee's and this snotty young lady failed to bring me another beer, she said she can only carry two beers at a time or some shit. Well she walked her to her boss and mumbled to her boss something stupid I am sure like "I'm a dumb commie I bring shame on this all american eatery" So the boss comes over looking like a fool and was like I am sorry but we only allow one beer per person at a time. Then he said "it is obvouious you probably were drinking before you got her" NOW WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! I told him as I grabbed his name tag. HEY GREG..... GREG that sounds like a commie name. LET ME SHOW YOU MY ID you see THAT. That's MY NRA CARD AND IT'S GOT MY BIRTHDATE ON IT... GOT THAT JACK! NOW YOU WILL GIVE ME A BEER OR I WILL CALL CORPORATE on you and tell them what kind of liberal place you got here. Well Greg and Commie Mcgee talked it over and decided to call the Law. Now I Didn't want no trouble that day but I decided that I have had enough. So I waited in S-10 for the law to show up so I could tell the cop that this person is RED a card carrying commie. Who shows up? Sheriff Hawkins. He tells me to go on my way, wouldn't even give me a to go cup for my brew. Now I now Hawkins was doing his job. His job of shame but some things just aint right

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Demonpenz again.


Great threadROFLROFL

KcMizzou
02-08-2009, 02:39 PM
When asked to bring a side dish I once bought 12 orders of fries from the dollar menu from Burger King. People laughed their ass off when I arranged them on the table, but everyone was eating them later on. I think I got the last laugh. The strange thing was the burger king worked asked me "for here or to go?" I know I am overweight but she though me meating 12 orders of fries by myself, in burger king was an optionLMAO

Demonpenz
02-08-2009, 03:37 PM
So on this ingle martin thread awhile back. I started doing the snugga shtick talking about long john silvers. Look What this guy posted

Originally Posted by windwalker
This has to be the weirdest football forum I have ever seen...

what a bunch of immature idiots there are here...

talking about fish and chips... How the heck does that relate to martin Ingle getting waived????

You guys are too full of yourselves to be even acknowledged by real football fans...

You are YUCK!!!

MikeMaslowski
02-08-2009, 03:46 PM
So on this ingle martin thread awhile back. I started doing the snugga shtick talking about long john silvers. Look What this guy posted

Originally Posted by windwalker
This has to be the weirdest football forum I have ever seen...

what a bunch of immature idiots there are here...

talking about fish and chips... How the heck does that relate to martin Ingle getting waived????

You guys are too full of yourselves to be even acknowledged by real football fans...

You are YUCK!!!


How right he was.... ROFL

Demonpenz
02-08-2009, 04:03 PM
soundsystem and sweet cell phone

Iowanian
02-08-2009, 04:34 PM
This weekend I learned if you crash an early 90's bronco into a foam-filled end loader tire laying on the ground, it will indeed flip the bronco onto its side.

Skip Towne
02-08-2009, 05:43 PM
This weekend I learned if you crash an early 90's bronco into a foam-filled end loader tire laying on the ground, it will indeed flip the bronco onto its side.

That's good to know, especially 2nd hand.

TinyEvel
02-11-2009, 10:34 PM
If you are 14 and you decide to take your mom's '81 Dodge Diplomat for a spin one night wile she's asleep on the couch, DO NOT drive it to the local Junior High School so you and your two buddies can jump the wall and walk around on the school roof and "talk about stuff."
And if you DO decide to do this, at least do not park in the faculty parking lot.

The cops who find you and then separate you and question you will not believe that you are only there to hold a 14 year-old boy version of "The View" on the school roof.

Then again, the (true) situation is so pathetic they'll let you off with just a warning.

Demonpenz
02-12-2009, 12:50 PM
So my favorite khaki shorts I wear around the apartment and do such various things as play video games or wash off celery sticks in.....the button broke on it. So I did the undertaking of buying a needle and thread for it. So at first I just st joseph rigged it to stay on for awhile, but I realized that was not going to last. Then I googled "how to sew a button on" and i started from there. "great 10 steps... I am just going to have someone else do it" Then I looked around and was like well no one is here. Then it said to make a knot, I dithen had to google "sewing knot" All and all it looks like it is finished. It doesn't look good but it is on there tighht . I figured this story needed it's own "thread" pun intended

Demonpenz
02-12-2009, 12:55 PM
sss

Demonpenz
02-12-2009, 12:56 PM
I used the same knot you use to tie your shoe, unfortunately I have velcro shoes so I had to google how to tie my shoe ( it's wondered I am not married )

MikeMaslowski
02-12-2009, 12:57 PM
sss

Ahhhh...watch out! Theres a spider on your pants!

Goapics1
02-12-2009, 12:57 PM
sss

Excellent. BTW, what is the miracle whip for? You eating a McRib?

Demonpenz
02-12-2009, 12:58 PM
If your rug smells in one part of your house vacuum, spot remover, then freebreeze. don't just take the top off of dish soap and plop it on there it will turn the carpet brown.

Demonpenz
02-12-2009, 12:58 PM
Ahhhh...watch out! Theres a spider on your pants!

that is the thread it is jacked up

Demonpenz
02-12-2009, 12:59 PM
Excellent. BTW, what is the miracle whip for? You eating a McRib?

thimble

Goapics1
02-12-2009, 12:59 PM
thimble

Creative.

Rain Man
02-12-2009, 12:59 PM
When asked to bring a side dish I once bought 12 orders of fries from the dollar menu from Burger King. People laughed their ass off when I arranged them on the table, but everyone was eating them later on. I think I got the last laugh. The strange thing was the burger king worked asked me "for here or to go?" I know I am overweight but she though me meating 12 orders of fries by myself, in burger king was an option


When I was young and single, I once bought condoms and the checkout woman said, "Do you want these in a bag?" and I said, "Is that a come-on?"

Demonpenz
02-12-2009, 01:00 PM
Don't use mircle whip the travel size as a thimble btw

Demonpenz
02-12-2009, 01:00 PM
When I was young and single, I once bought condoms and the checkout woman said, "Do you want these in a bag?" and I said, "Is that a come-on?"

mwhahaha (I assume the old lady was a "bag")

Demonpenz
02-13-2009, 09:24 AM
Ok use a dry swifter before you mop your floor or else you are just going to be moping over aldi's brand shrimp, and barrel of fun potato chips

Demonpenz
02-13-2009, 09:27 AM
Also the stoves SELF CLEANING feature is a myth.

Baby Lee
02-13-2009, 09:34 AM
Ok use a dry swifter before you mop your floor or else you are just going to be moping over aldi's brand shrimp, and barrel of fun potato chips

.

Demonpenz
02-13-2009, 10:45 AM
So Snugga and I were playing skiball yesterday, god we love ski ball. He sees some girls that may or may not be unfortunate looking. So to impress him he goes all "razor ramone" on them and was like SAY HELLO TO THE BAD GUY. Anyway they were confused because honestly (and I have told snugga a million times...) girls are into macho man more than Razor ramone scott hall the bad guy. So I went over there (and I do a ****ty ****ty macho man voice) and was like OHHH YEAH SNAP INTO IT! I had my ski ball tickets around my arms like tassells like macho man in starcade in 97. So anyway that is one of them says they would like to meet us for drinks later on (score I know) I though the girl had mothballs in her mouth, or was retarded, well she was actually deaf. but it turns out my doing the waving motion like the macho man means "Hey steak, want to wet up somewhere?" So we go hang on this girls but we are having problems because one girl was on the wrong side of 300 pounds (or the right side for snugga hehe) so anyway it goes ok. I tell snugga to knock it off about how many tickets he has, because ever girl knows that brett bretterson has more.

Demonpenz
02-13-2009, 11:13 AM
Ok gather around. This one is good. The year is 2001 I was twenty on years old. Rap Metal was still good as I was listening to DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE in my black eclipse gs. I actually decided to dust off the doritios and dress up to go to GIL fest which was my friend gilberts annual kegger. So I am looking good and I am getting gas before heading out of st joseph to Kansas City. This is where the mistake happened. I made the mistake of latching a rusted handle on the gas dealie. you know where you don't have to hold it down? It just clamps. Well as the gas started to get near full I tried to un hatch it but it didn't happen gas shoots all over my face clothes crotch. I have red hair so it just burns my entire body like a bitch. I fall over trying to get to the bathroom to rinse my eyes out. I knock over some starcrunch and moonpie stand. I RUN WATER OVER MY EYES FOR 15 minutes. God I stunk like that. It was even in the crack of my ass. It felt like cigerette burns all over my body. I stunk for days. I threw my clothes away. Even though I took a shower I still reeked like gasoline at the party. Yeah I didn't get to make out with a girl that night

Demonpenz
02-16-2009, 09:46 AM
At some point in your life...around 5 years ago..partying at your parents house (even when they are out of town) becomes embarrassing. Even more embarrassing is when they cancel going to topeka because Dad is sick. Although it did provide a great moment in my life when I walk into the demon castle with my dad sick, with two girls and a bottle of hootch. The life lesson is not to say to your black labrador's "stop barking at the ho's"

Demonpenz
02-16-2009, 09:49 AM
ahhh I got a good one. When bringing your mom flowers first take them by your grandma's house. When you grandma says thank you chat for awhile then before you leave steal the flowers and take it to your mom. You could try it again depending on if you have sisters although that is pushing your luck

Demonpenz
03-05-2009, 12:22 PM
When HR comes around and introduces you to a new person. State what you like about the actually job and not that you like vacation days, breaks, lunches, and browsing the internet if you aren't busy. If you get stuck just say you like to cut costs improve profit and help people, smile alot

bdeg
03-05-2009, 01:03 PM
This is my favorite thread ever. Classic

I started quoting some to laugh at, but damn there is so much great stuff here. Keep it up and thanks again.

Demonpenz
03-05-2009, 01:41 PM
also when asked what do you like your job don't just say paycheck and turn around. If you have a date over to your house and she notices a dirty dish behind your love seet don't just sayin "SHIT!" then go back to watch tv. clean it up

raybec 4
03-05-2009, 02:07 PM
also when asked what do you like your job don't just say paycheck and turn around. If you have a date over to your house and she notices a dirty dish behind your love seet don't just sayin "SHIT!" then go back to watch tv. clean it up

The life lesson there is keep nosy bitches away from the love seat!

Demonpenz
03-09-2009, 12:21 AM
If you aren't able to get hard while a girl is stroking you off for 3 minutes, just laugh it off and enjoy watching 10 things I hate about you the rest of your life, then change anti depressants

Demonpenz
03-09-2009, 12:23 AM
It is always on like donkey kong in my bed, but yet with the xanex flowing it just aint happening

KcMizzou
03-09-2009, 12:26 AM
It is always on like donkey kong in my bed, but yet with the xanex flowing it just aint happeningMore, "on like Qbert, eh?"

DeezNutz
03-09-2009, 12:38 AM
More, "on like Qbert, eh?"

Coily can go fuck himself. Ugg and Wrong-Way, too.

Pneuma
03-09-2009, 09:52 AM
Pulling out the half-empty bottle of econo-lube on a chick you are hooking up with for the first time is not a good idea. Even if you are saving a ton of $$$.

Pneuma
03-09-2009, 09:57 AM
With enough liquor anything is possible. Or thought to be.

Demonpenz
03-18-2009, 01:31 PM
use google to your advantage. constant google searches for me
How to deal with annoying people
How to deal with stress
How to not be annoyed by couples
How do calm yourself down
How to reward yourself for a good job

When you are trying to calm yourself down. Don't use your favorite sports place, unless you are imagining you are there with no one else. I tried to imagine being at kauffman staduim, but ended up kicking a bathroom stall because I thought about Peralta bringing his frickin gas can and giving up a homerun to Craig monroe last year.

Iowanian
03-18-2009, 02:35 PM
I think you should try using vicks vapor rub for lube next time and report back on your life lesson learned.

DeezNutz
03-18-2009, 02:37 PM
Peralta bringing his frickin gas can and giving up a homerun to Craig monroe last year.

LMAO

And the first televised game is tonight.

ziggysocki
03-18-2009, 04:50 PM
LMAO

And the first televised game is tonight.

Any idea what stations will be carrying it?

ziggysocki
03-18-2009, 04:53 PM
Found it... FSKC

Demonpenz
04-23-2009, 09:23 AM
So, in my effort to be cheap, but have some things that make me look like a normal person, and not the cereal craving, gun slinging, gunner, gunnerson, person I really am. I was looking for a table. A table and some chairs just to fill in the rest of the 20 square feet of my 100 square foot apartment. So one of my friends, who is friends with engineers said she had a friend that has a table and chairs for 50 bucks. Now I am looking at the 50 bucks, thinking that is two lap dances on Wacky wednesday. Then I look around and say well f it I need something and I can't be wasting my time on looking at tables on craigslist (It takes away from my nba2k1 franchise!) So we drive and drive and drive, I fart, and keep driving until we arrive at this place. Now there was a voice in my mind that was already like RAY, ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BAD IDEA JEANS? Well I def was. This table was like a pregnant lady on a roller coaster. It was missing parts rusted...whatever. But I bought it anyway because my friend and I was already out there. The person took it apart for me! Yay. We drive 100 miles back to my place and it turns out I need a drill to put it back together. Now people that know me, know I am not a handy man, good with a green thumb, or able to wear my pants correctly. So I buy some nails. and here is the diary I kept with my table and I.

Demonpenz
04-23-2009, 09:24 AM
Day 1. Well this table isn't as cool as I thought it would be. It is all over my apartment and I keep on tripping over items trying to get to my fridge (where I bought some fudge stripe cookies from dollar tree, my freezer is full of win!) I am really really tired. I throw a blanket over the mess and try to forget about it for now. (trip again going to bed)

Demonpenz
04-23-2009, 09:26 AM
Day 2. I can't get enough pressure to screw in the legs with my hands so I try to put the table on top of the legs. Using it's ridicoulus amount of weight to screw it in. HTF does something weight this heavy. Table falls on head.......

Day 2 1/2. I must have been knocked out by the table falling on me. The last time I felt like this I woke up in somone's yard hugging a yellow inflatable craylola crown. I put the blanket over the table for the day.

Demonpenz
04-23-2009, 09:28 AM
Being frustrated at the table I grabbes some beers and worked up the nerve to try to pick on the person who talked to her friend to get the table. So I put a sandwhich on the table (which is in pieces) Tag her on face book (Sam you have been tagged on facebook) and put a caption. I LOVE EATING MY FIRST MEAL ON MY NEW TABLE!

Demonpenz
04-23-2009, 09:30 AM
Ok screw this I buy a hammer and nails and just hammer the damn nails in exept they go through the top. Screw this I hammer them into a J. So atleast the table is standing now although I cut myself playing uno the other day (fucking reverse card)

Mr. Flopnuts
04-23-2009, 10:20 AM
Hey Penz. Thanks for having me and Snugga over for Ranchdogs last night. We had a good time playing Sorry. Well, until Snugga let the dice hit your J groove on your new table and it popped up and hit me on the eye. Doc says I'll be rolling snake eyes for a few days LAWL but that can't be right because it's facing the 4 in my eye lid. He says when the swelling goes down he'll remove the die from my eye which is pretty fly for a white guy. Anywho, thanks again for the entertainment and ER visit.

Demonpenz
04-23-2009, 10:21 AM
Hey Penz. Thanks for having me and Snugga over for Ranchdogs last night. We had a good time playing Sorry. Well, until Snugga let the dice hit your J groove on your new table and it popped up and hit me on the eye. Doc says I'll be rolling snake eyes for a few days LAWL but that can't be right because it's facing the 4 in my eye lid. He says when the swelling goes down he'll remove the die from my eye which is pretty fly for a white guy. Anywho, thanks again for the entertainment and ER visit.

LOL at you putting "Brett Bretterson" as your name on the ER bill

Mr. Flopnuts
04-23-2009, 10:23 AM
LOL at you putting "Brett Bretterson" as your name on the ER bill

They looked at me pretty funny when I said "No habla englay." But that's cool, the nurse seemed to understand when I asked her if she had filled her dirty sanchez quota for the night.

Demonpenz
04-23-2009, 10:29 AM
They looked at me pretty funny when I said "No habla englay." But that's cool, the nurse seemed to understand when I asked her if she had filled her dirty sanchez quota for the night.

yeah you could still see the outline of the mustache and nutty smell LMAO

Baby Lee
04-23-2009, 11:30 AM
Nothing a rousing round of tasing the wizard can't alleviate.

Mr. Flopnuts
04-23-2009, 12:03 PM
yeah you could still see the outline of the mustache and nutty smell LMAO

LAWL @ Nurse Nutty.

alanm
07-01-2009, 10:15 PM
Buy a guitar stand. Especially if you break shit. Be careful with gorilla glue (not gorilla semen..like this super glue stuff) I was gluing my guitar back together and got some on my hand and jeans. If you do get it on your jeans RESIST the urge to scratch your balls.I missed this thread the first go round back in January. But you seem to have a problem will glue all around. ROFL

cmh6476
07-02-2009, 08:44 AM
Ok gather around. This one is good. The year is 2001 I was twenty on years old. Rap Metal was still good as I was listening to DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE in my black eclipse gs. I actually decided to dust off the doritios and dress up to go to GIL fest which was my friend gilberts annual kegger. So I am looking good and I am getting gas before heading out of st joseph to Kansas City. This is where the mistake happened. I made the mistake of latching a rusted handle on the gas dealie. you know where you don't have to hold it down? It just clamps. Well as the gas started to get near full I tried to un hatch it but it didn't happen gas shoots all over my face clothes crotch. I have red hair so it just burns my entire body like a bitch. I fall over trying to get to the bathroom to rinse my eyes out. I knock over some starcrunch and moonpie stand. I RUN WATER OVER MY EYES FOR 15 minutes. God I stunk like that. It was even in the crack of my ass. It felt like cigerette burns all over my body. I stunk for days. I threw my clothes away. Even though I took a shower I still reeked like gasoline at the party. Yeah I didn't get to make out with a girl that night

life lesson? dont use rusted gas cap?

JASONSAUTO
07-02-2009, 12:41 PM
life lesson? dont use rusted gas cap?

no the lesson was about reading comprehension, maybe you should try again you failed it