View Full Version : Weather The Real Story of Noah's Ark!

Ultra Peanut
02-03-2009, 05:51 AM
Recently, an ancient text was discovered atop Mt. Ararat. I now present that document to you in its entirety, sans analysis or interruption.

Captain's Log
The Voyage of Noah's Ark

Day 3

The ducks left in the middle of the night. When coaxed to return, they refused and went further out into the deluge in order to reaffirm their insolence. Everyone is currently out there right now, looking on as they make a mockery of this entire journey. I'm prepared to write their species off as a loss, no matter how disappointed He may be with the decision.

Day 14

Two weeks in and already my daughters and wife are complaining about their duties aboard the ship. They think that simply because the decks must be constantly scrubbed, riggings tied and pumps managed, they don't have any time to perform their additional familial services. The way I see it, it's simple arithmetic. There are twice as many men in this family as women. If we are to do God's will and repopulate the Earth once the sinners have been drowned, the women must be impregnated at a near-constant basis to keep up with the attrition of age.

In great honesty, they may be right about the amount of work to do around here. I knew God would provide caring for the animals, but I didn't know that this provision would take the form of their bellies suddenly being filled at the start of every day. This miracle, blessed be the lord for his insight, does not seem to be accompanied by a matching miracle for disposal, and nothing is less appealing to a man trying to perform his duties before God than a wife newly emerged from cleaning the ungulate pens.

Day 17

Japheth confirmed another gay dinosaur today. That brings us up to 7 species this week. Normally when the smaller animals refuse to mate we can force them to do so one way or another, but there is simply no persuasion method on God's blue earth that will convince a 30 ton homosexual Kotasaurus to place his three-foot-diameter cloaca against that of an equally unwilling mate. The interspecies mating alone is hard enough to control. All of my experience as a farmer ill prepared me for the unlikely and usually downright dangerous mating combinations these creatures attempt when they tire of attacking each other.

Day 19

Caught Ham peeing on the squirrels. Told him if he didn't stop I'd make him fuck his mom when we got off the boat. Too bad he'll have to do it anyway.

Day 28

The simians have teamed up into a clan on the lower levels and are now swinging around the larger fecal dunes. They are conducting a war against the dogs' pack-alliance, and it is anarchy. Monkeys screech as their flesh is torn, but they will not die. He will not let them die.

At first their shit-flinging was a nuisance, but now they have an endless reserve of ammunition, and the material has become so inextricable from their fur that they merge like chameleons into the landscape. With only reflected moonlight to see by, they are entirely invisible, and we can only track them by their unending cries of pain. The gasses have become so thick that torchlight is impossible. I pray that God will deliver my family from the horrible shit-apes and their treachery.

Day 30

This day marks one full month since the big cats seized the bridge. From the measurements of the sun and crude astrological predictions I was able to make from the porthole in my cabin, we've been heading steadily due north since that time. Ice has been accumulating on the deck at night. While the thermogenic bacteria in the fecal dunes keeps the ship at a sweltering 103 degrees, I fear even a vessel of this size would not withstand a direct impact with an iceberg.

We had originally encouraged the formation of the dog's pack-alliance to drive the big cats from the bridge, but once their power was consolidated they quickly turned to serving their own needs and avoided the big cats in favor of bullying smaller, weaker animals. Now I fear we must trick bird emissaries into beseeching the cats to relocate. Hopefully an abundance of colorful, panicked birds will lure the cats out.

Day 33

The wood-eating insects have been wreaking absolute havoc on the already dung-sodden timbers. Today one of the primary supports holding the fecal dunes at bay snapped, crushing the last bilge pumping room. No one was killed, of course. They emerged hours later, choking and digging fecal matter from every orifice. Yes, the pressure of thousands upon thousands of tons of waste had actually forced itself past their rectums, but they did not die. More importantly, with the last of the pumps destroyed the ship is dipping ever-lower towards the water line as the lower decks fill with a mixture of seawater and sewage. At least the ship is much quieter than usual, as hordes of God's creatures are trapped in the belowdecks, drowning continuously without death's release.

Day 34

As a relative upside to yesterday's disaster, the simian clan has been forced to higher decks, allowing us to capture most of their numbers in improvised cages and shackles. The gibbons continue to elude us, and they provoke the ceratopsians to bash themselves against the weakened bulkheads, but the wood thankfully continues to hold. We will deal with them in time.

Unfortunately, the rodent consortium has used the chaos as an opportunity to breach the central wheat tank on deck 3, and now another fifth of the supply has been contaminated. It may have been impossible to bake new breads now that fire is denied to us, but we could still have fashioned some sort of crude nutritional paste.

I fear the rodents' lust for grain will lead them to form a treaty with the herbivorous branch of the avian flock. God help us if this takes place! It is difficult enough to catch them as they scurry on the floor... If granted access to the avians' towering spoor-nests - or, Heaven forbid, their wings - the rodents could invade the silos from any direction. More allies desert us every day. Thank God we still have the ungulates.

Day 38

It is both a blessing and a curse that our passengers have been made immortal. We had considered simply no longer feeding the dissenters, leaving them incapacitated with malnutrition for the duration of the trip - but it is likely that the carnivores would turn on us, and we would be mauled eternally.

Progress is still slow on the flooded lower decks. We assumed the elephants and mammoths could remove the water with their trunks, only to see them become violently ill from the rotting waste. I think the leaking seawater has begun to dilute the thicker patches of mess, at least. Yesterday we managed to pull one of the oviraptors from the sludge. Now I want to throw it back in, with its infernal gasping and squawking! Will they all come out traumatized to the point of madness? We are all finding it difficult to breathe down here. It seems we will become mad as well.

With all the shit, we should have brought more varieties of seed. I could have grown a garden.

Day 40

They're going to be dead and I'm the one to kill them. Its dark out. So dark. The storm rages on. I can hear them clawing at the door, in the ceiling, in the floor, in my mind. These godless dinosaurs have had it coming for a long time now. First they betrayed my kind to the simian, and then the giant cephalopod. Now they're coming for me themselves.

For a long time I believed this fecal matter was what drove me insane but now I know it to be of their doing. May God grant me strength to force them into the storm. My heart is beating. My mouth is dry. My breath is short.

Let's roll.

02-03-2009, 06:21 AM

02-03-2009, 07:14 AM

Adept Havelock
02-03-2009, 07:29 AM
Heh, pretty damn funny.

Agent V
02-03-2009, 07:56 AM
...there is simply no persuasion method on God's blue earth that will convince a 30 ton homosexual Kotasaurus to place his three-foot-diameter cloaca against that of an equally unwilling mate.

02-03-2009, 08:57 AM
OH MY FUCKING GOD! Ive been crying at work for about 30 minutes now! Thanks for the laugh

02-03-2009, 10:53 AM

02-03-2009, 10:55 AM
I love these kinds of threads, they validate the Word of God

02-03-2009, 12:29 PM
I love these kinds of threads, they validate the Word of God

Which god?

02-03-2009, 01:10 PM
He should have hired an editor around day 20.

02-03-2009, 01:28 PM