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View Full Version : Chiefs KSK - Todd Haley Parody Type deal


steelyeyed57
03-04-2009, 02:16 PM
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/03/coach-haley-is-not-your-waiter.html#comments

Detoxing
03-04-2009, 02:17 PM
Anyone else think Cassel resembles Belichek in that picture?

Detoxing
03-04-2009, 02:23 PM
Fucking hilarious

FringeNC
03-04-2009, 02:23 PM
"Maybe fucking Herm Edwards was a little food bitch for everyone here. Maybe he made you Jello Jigglers just the way widdle wubbzy zubbzy likes them. MAYBE HE WORE A FUCKING GIMP OUTFIT AND LET EVERYONE SHOVE CUCUMBERS UP HIS GAPING TAN ASSHOLE. But that is not how I do business."

ROFL

HC_Chief
03-04-2009, 02:24 PM
LOL funny stuff

L.A. Chieffan
03-04-2009, 02:24 PM
thigpens got a chance thats all im sayin

bringbackmarty
03-04-2009, 02:25 PM
hehe....awesome.

KcMizzou
03-04-2009, 02:31 PM
.Scott Pioli: And hereís the weight room. We just bought a million bucks worth of Hammer Strength equipment, which of course you have access to at all times.

Matt Cassel: Thatís awesome, Mr. Pioli.

Pioli: Also, leave any laundry you wish right on top of your locker box. Our equipment managers will have it washed and folded for you the next day, any day you leave it. And if you have any training table requests, let us know and theyíll be added to the spread within a week.

Cassel: Wow. Thatís amazing. I canít tell you how glad I am to be here, Mr. Pioli. Really. Iím excited to get to work and help turn this team around.

Pioli: Glad to have you here, too.

Cassel: Although, I have to ask. Iíve heard some things about coach Haley. I heard he can be a touchÖ abrasive.

Pioli: Matt, Iíve known Todd Haley for years. And I can tell you that there is no more dedicated and determined coach out there. I promise you youíll like playing for him.

(Corvette door flies open)

Haley: (takes off sunglasses) Out of my way. THESE HAMMER STRENGTH MACHINES ARE NOT LAID OUT PROPERLY. WHO ****ED THIS UP?

Cassel: Coach Haley, I just wanted to tell you how glad I am to be here and to play quarterback for the Chiefs.

Haley: Who said you were playing quarterback? What, you think just because youíre here weíre gonna gift you the ****ing job? You COMPETE for the job, son. Then maybe, MAYBE, I let you on MY ****ING FIELD. You hear me, ****nugget?

Cassel: Iím sorry, Coach. I didnít mean to be presumptuous. Iím just really happy to be part of this organization, and I look forward to working with you.

Haley: With me? WITH me? What are you, co-head coach now?

Cassel: No, I didnít mean it like thatÖ

Haley: (chews gum loudly) What, you wanna call the plays now? ďHey, Iím the co-head coach and I say we run a waggle pass because Iím ****ing gay and stupid!Ē Is that what you think will happen?

Cassel: No.

Haley: I CALL THE ****ING PLAYS. Okay? And you will execute them WITH ****ING PRECISION AND TO MY ****ING SATISFACTION. Okay, towel boy? And if you donít like it, THEREíS THE ****ING DOOR, BRADY JUNIOR. I didnít work up to this level just to let some no-name run this team with me. **** YOU AND YOUR WHORE OF A MOTHER WHO GARGLES COCK FOR LOOSE CHANGE. From now on, Iím nicknaming you Whorechild.

Cassel: I didnít mean it like that. By working WITH youÖ

Haley: Letís get a few things straight, grapenuts. You work FOR me. Understood? FOR me. Are we ****ing clear on that? OR ARE YOU FULL RETARD LIKE BRAIN WATERS?

Cassel: Yes, sir. Of course. If you donít mind, Coach, Iím going to go grab some lunch.

Haley: Lunch? You want lunch? What do you think, weíre some kind of ****ing restaurant? You think Iím your ****ing waiter?

Cassel: No, that isnít what I said at all.

Haley: Are you calling me a liar?

Cassel: No!

Haley: Oh, now youíre gonna raise your voice to me? So you think you can waltz the **** in here, CALL MY PLAYS, ASK ME TO BE YOUR FOOD BITCH, AND CALL ME A LIAR? You think thatís gonna sit well with myself or ownership? (phone call) Thatís my phone. ITíS A ****ING STORM. Itís probably my mistress. Sheís a ****ing sex kitten. Do you cheat on your wife?

Cassel: No.

Haley: Why not? What are you, a ****ing gash?

Cassel: Listen, maybe we got off on the wrong foot hereÖ

Haley: You accusing me of ****ing with your footwork?

Cassel: JESUS! No! Iím just trying to make a good first impression here.

Haley: Youíre ****ing failing, Whorechild. TODD HALEY IS NO MANíS FOOD BITCH. YOU HEAR ME? Maybe ****ing Herm Edwards was a little food bitch for everyone here. Maybe he made you Jello Jigglers just the way widdle wubbzy zubbzy likes them. MAYBE HE WORE A ****ING GIMP OUTFIT AND LET EVERYONE SHOVE CUCUMBERS UP HIS GAPING TAN ASSHOLE. But that is not how I do business. Are you telling me you want little Herm Food Bitch Edwards to be your coach now?

Cassel: No! Iíve never even met Herm Edwards!

Haley: You calling me a liar AGAIN?

Cassel: Iím just going to stop talking now.

Haley: Stop talking? Who said you could stop talking? DID WE NOT BRING YOU IN HERE TO BE A ****ING LEADER, YOU ****ING TURTLE DICK?

Cassel: Yes, sir.

Haley: You got a real ****ing attitude problem, Whorechild. You want to be here very long, you better adjust your ****ing attitude AND NOT TREAT EVERYONE LIKE THEYíRE YOUíRE ****ING JELLO WHORE. Iím a selfish coach, nutrag. I WANT TO WIN AND I WANT TO WIN NOW. I WANT PLAYERS WHO KNOW WHAT THE **** IT MEANS TO PLAY FOR TODD ****ING HALEY. YOU ****ING HEAR ME? I HOPE YOUR ****ING WIFE GETS BREAST CANCER AND DIES IN YOUR ARMS.

Cassel: Holy shit, you are the biggest asshole Iíve ever met.

Haley: ****ING COUNT ON IT.

(leaves)

Pioli: Like I said. Once you get to know Coach Haley, you really begin to understand where heís coming from.

Cassel: How long have you known him?

Pioli: Oh, we havenít really on speaking terms for a few decades.

Count Zarth
03-04-2009, 02:33 PM
(Corvette door flies open)

ROFL

KcMizzou
03-04-2009, 02:33 PM
http://juliolamas.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/r-lee-ermey1.jpg

Woodrow Call
03-04-2009, 02:33 PM
LMAO

Good stuff

Kyle DeLexus
03-04-2009, 02:37 PM
haha everyone discussing what voice they use for Haley when reading this.

For some reason I always go to a Celebrity Jeopardy Bert Reynolds.

Fish
03-04-2009, 02:38 PM
Yeah this is pretty much exactly the way I picture Haley....

Count Zarth
03-04-2009, 02:38 PM
I sort of read it in the voice of angry Charlie Sheen, ala Major League.

I picture Haley checking himself out in the mirror and saying, "What an asshole."

L.A. Chieffan
03-04-2009, 02:41 PM
im gonna go with kenny powers. all he needs is a mullet and some wrap-arounds

Kyle DeLexus
03-04-2009, 02:55 PM
im gonna go with kenny powers. all he needs is a mullet and some wrap-arounds

Kenny Powers would fit nicely.

StcChief
03-04-2009, 03:07 PM
LMAO this locker room is gonna be alot different.

ZootedGranny
03-04-2009, 03:09 PM
Cassel: Listen, maybe we got off on the wrong foot here…

Haley: You accusing me of ****ing with your footwork?

Haha

talastan
03-04-2009, 03:19 PM
http://juliolamas.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/r-lee-ermey1.jpg

Exactly!!! :clap: