View Full Version : Football JWhit "T.O. is a Stripper!!!!!!!!!!11!1!!!!1"

03-05-2009, 11:44 AM

Don't worry, T.O. will find another sucker

by Jason Whitlock


Updated: March 5, 2009, 12:30 PM EST

Can we talk as men today? Grown, life-experienced men.

If wide receivers are strippers, then Terrell Owens is a boob job and a new strip club away from extending his NFL career.

We can't help ourselves. The never-ending conversion of T.O.'s into housewives is in our nature. We frighten ourselves listening to the horror stories about $100 million divorce settlements, affairs with former customers and battles with depression.

We watch Casino over and over again, sickened each time Sharon "Ginger" Stone makes a fool out of Robert "Sam Rothstein" De Niro and eventually costs Joe "Nicky Santoro" Pesci his life.

But when the DVD stops, our mental note card is filled with the mistakes we believe Sam Rothstein made along the way.

He didn't need to do the TV show or be as personally involved with the running of the entire casino. Had he stuck to handicapping games and being attentive to Ginger's insecurities, Vegas would still be run by the mob.

Divorced from Jerry "The Facelift" Jones and the Dallas Cowboys, T.O. is far from finished as a first or second wife in the NFL. Fiscal polygamist Daniel Snyder is certainly willing to express Big Love for Owens in D.C. Three years removed from his fling with Randy Moss, Raiders owner Al Davis is ready to date again.

You don't believe the Bengals really learned a lesson from their marriage to Chad Johnson? Emboldened by New England's success with Moss, Denver's Josh McDaniels and Kansas City's Scott Pioli just might believe they can tame T.O.'s diva tendencies.

It might take a minute, but I fully expect some NFL team to entice T.O. off the stripper pole with a three-carat, princess-cut diamond by July.

It's what men do. Despite the warnings from Bell Biv Devoe, we're always willing to trust a big butt and a smile. A pair of double-Ds that hang just right always trumps common sense.

Every man has a little Captain Save-a-T.O. in him.

OK, maybe not every man, but two out of three. That means 20 NFL teams are currently holding discussions about acquiring Owens as you read this. The number will spike after Stuart Scott or Stephen A. Smith hold a Sunday Conversation/Table Dance Only with Owens.

At 36, T.O. is in need of a makeover. He just can't step off stage and take any NFL owner he wants straight to the champagne room. At this point in his career and after high-profile, messy divorces from the 49ers (Jeff Garcia), the Eagles (Donovan McNabb) and the Cowboys (Tony Romo), Owens has to wine and dine his next victim.

Face it, NFL owners are men and most men can't resist a nice body.

He'll have to feed some lucky owner a story about the lessons he's learned along the way. It's time to publicly admit his mistakes, shed a few tears, promise to change cell-phone numbers, claim he's done drinking Patron and ready to settle down.

Daniel Snyder is going to eat it up. He just can't help it. He's a man. He's a fantasy football owner.

Jerry Rice never looked as good as Terrell Owens. Rice didn't have a six pack and 4.4 speed. Rice posted three 1,000-yard seasons after age 35 and a devastating knee injury. Why can't T.O. do the same?

Plus, Snyder (or some owner) is going to believe he has more than enough leverage over Owens.

T.O. is at the end of his career. His market value has been severely diminished. If he has any desire to reach the Hall of Fame, surely Owens realizes a Super Bowl victory would help Hall voters get beyond his habit of destroying football teams.

But a T.O. is going to be a T.O. It's how they do.

They love drama more than TNT. Drama brings them joy. A life without drama isn't worth living.

You can't reason with a T.O. They know they're broken on the inside. They'll pretend for as long as they can that your love (or new contract) has made things better. The truth is only self-love heals.

Jerry Jones should've cut Terrell Owens two years ago, the day his assistant/house mother told the world that Owens had 25 million rea$on$ to live.

That's how they do. They live for the dollar, satisfied knowing that two out of every three NFL owners are eager to make it rain on a T.O.