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wutamess
04-08-2009, 11:34 PM
The setup:
We usually have our neborns sleep with us for the first year or so because 1) The wifey nurses & 2) We're horrified of SIDS.

About 3 years ago, the lil one slept between us one night. So I'm sleeping good and decide to turn over to sleep on the other side. In the midst of turning over I swipe my hand across my chess to complete the turn. I'll be damned if I didn't have a wet nipple.

I immediately woke up and barked at the wifey to put the baby on her side to sleep.

Another funny one:
It's Saturday morning and I'm in the middle of a good ass sleep. The kids come in and start jumping and playing on the bed while I'm sleep and I'm used to that so I'm still out cold.

While sleep I'm aware enough to not give a shit until I hear my 3 yo son laughing and say to my 4yo daughter (in his laughing voice)....

Son: Khali?
Khali: what?
Son: I pooted on daddy's head. (still laughing).

I immediately wake up and smell the fresh ass smell of a 3yo.
Pissed me the fugg off but it was too funny to get too pissed.
Told him to not do it anymore.

What you got?

Mecca
04-08-2009, 11:39 PM
I saw a story on TV where some mom who slept with her baby in her bed...rolled over and killed it.

cdcox
04-08-2009, 11:53 PM
Back when my daughter was a toddler I was taking care of her when the wife was out. I hear her in the kitchen and get up to see her playing in the cat food (dry). So I grab the camera and take a picture of her sitting in cat food scattered all over the floor and putting some kibble in her mouth. I clean everything up and put the camera back. A few weeks later, the wife takes the film in to develop and gets a "wtf was going on here" moment. Good times.

Thig Lyfe
04-08-2009, 11:56 PM
I saw a story on TV where some mom who slept with her baby in her bed...rolled over and killed it.

Buzzkill, bro.

Mecca
04-08-2009, 11:58 PM
Buzzkill, bro.

Hey just saying sleeping with babies isn't always a great idea.

Talisman
04-09-2009, 12:17 AM
Hey just saying sleeping with babies isn't always a great idea.

Oh, but eating them is fine, huh? Hypocrite.

Pablo
04-09-2009, 12:21 AM
Hey just saying sleeping with babies isn't always a great idea.Not unless you have a sweet Astrovan and a molestache.

Jenson71
04-09-2009, 12:24 AM
Oh, but eating them is fine, huh? Hypocrite.

LMAO

CrazyHorse
04-09-2009, 06:37 AM
My son of 3 or 4 walks up to me one day and asked me if I was a bean. I said no son, I am a man. He looks at me kinda puzzled but accepts the answer and I hear nothing more of it for a couple days. Then I am in his room and he's all upset. He is practically in tears and says to me, "Dad I aint no bean". He says it in an angry tone and then starts crying after he says it. I told him, "of course you're not a bean. Your a boy. He said...you told me I was a human bean (being).

I guess the little fella had been trying to come to terms for some time with being nothing more than a bean. Poor guy.:LOL:

EyePod
04-09-2009, 07:42 AM
My son of 3 or 4 walks up to me one day and asked me if I was a bean. I said no son, I am a man. He looks at me kinda puzzled but accepts the answer and I hear nothing more of it for a couple days. Then I am in his room and he's all upset. He is practically in tears and says to me, "Dad I aint no bean". He says it in an angry tone and then starts crying after he says it. I told him, "of course you're not a bean. Your a boy. He said...you told me I was a human bean (being).

I guess the little fella had been trying to come to terms for some time with being nothing more than a bean. Poor guy.:LOL:

LOL Kid's are so stupid. It's like when my brother was younger was doing something stupid, my mom told him to behave. He yells back, "but mom, I am beinghave!" (pronounced with a long a).

Demonpenz
04-09-2009, 08:16 AM
i got my nephew 2 spiderman walkie talkies not realizing the fun I could have with them so he gets up and starts walking around and I start whispering in one end. Hey, this is spiderman, get me something to drink. He puts it down and says "spiderman's bossy"

morphius
04-09-2009, 08:44 AM
I saw a story on TV where some mom who slept with her baby in her bed...rolled over and killed it.
Which is why I can't roll over in bed without waking up, dammit! I just never know if the little ones have snuck next to me in the middle of the night, and have grown accustomed to sleeping on the very edge of the bed, on my side, without moving.

Ugh.

wilas101
04-09-2009, 08:45 AM
My son was like 5 or 6 one day and I walked through the living room where he was sitting watching tv. It was a cold day and it was chilly in the house and I noticed he had no socks on.

so I said, "man, it's chilly in here... my feet are cold. Aren't your feet cold?"

He looked at me and said "Yeah but you don't hear me complaining about it."



I was dumbfounded by the whole thing. Had no idea what to say next so I just went on about my business.

wilas101
04-09-2009, 08:49 AM
Another time when the boy was about a year and a half old he decided to stand up right in front of the tv (a habit he still has 11 years later).

Our daughter was 5 at the time and from the kitchen I hear her yell "Seth! Get your punk-ass out of my way!"



my wife blamed me for that. :(

morphius
04-09-2009, 08:49 AM
My son was like 5 or 6 one day and I walked through the living room where he was sitting watching tv. It was a cold day and it was chilly in the house and I noticed he had no socks on.

so I said, "man, it's chilly in here... my feet are cold. Aren't your feet cold?"

He looked at me and said "Yeah but you don't hear me complaining about it."



I was dumbfounded by the whole thing. Had no idea what to say next so I just went on about my business.
ROFL

Iowanian
04-09-2009, 08:59 AM
My girls have a tradition.

Every, single time we've scheduled professional pictures, one of them wrecks their face. We've got pics with black eyes that look like they've been man punched, teeth holes through lips, goose eggs, bruises etc.

The one year old kept up tradition for her recent photo....She's been in a climbing-daredevil phase....climbing on coffee tables/chairs/couches and trying to climb up cabinet drawer handles...flipping over the mini-rocking chair I refinished for them....

So we'd been extra careful the week leading up to the 1yr pics...made it to the day. I put her cloths on, had her ready while brideowanian was finishing up her hair or something....she is pushing a ride-toy thing, and face plants on the tile.......half of her forehead is a giant, pulsing welt by the time her mother gets down stairs. I'm popular.

ffw half a week.

last week, we're doing some "entire family" photos at my folks and the photographer is there.....She face plants and puts a matching welt/mark/bruise on her cheek.

I told her if she's going to be dumb she's going to have to be tough.

morphius
04-09-2009, 09:00 AM
Another time when the boy was about a year and a half old he decided to stand up right in front of the tv (a habit he still has 11 years later).

Our daughter was 5 at the time and from the kitchen I hear her yell "Seth! Get your punk-ass out of my way!"



my wife blamed me for that. :(
My wife accidentally let "little shit" escape her mouth as my son was storming off to his room when he as 5, and just before he got to his door he turned around and yelled back, "Ohhh, thats just great!!! That's what you think about me, I'm just Shit! That's really great, thanks a lot! I'm nothing but Shit!". My wife was horrified, and I was litterally on the floor, rolling with tears streaming as I couldn't not bust up laughing at that. Sailor lady has to learn to control that language somehow, lol. (And yes, she turned on me for laughing and yes, I did go up and calm the boy down)

wilas101
04-09-2009, 09:12 AM
My wife accidentally let "little shit" escape her mouth as my son was storming off to his room when he as 5, and just before he got to his door he turned around and yelled back, "Ohhh, thats just great!!! That's what you think about me, I'm just Shit! That's really great, thanks a lot! I'm nothing but Shit!". My wife was horrified, and I was litterally on the floor, rolling with tears streaming as I couldn't not bust up laughing at that. Sailor lady has to learn to control that language somehow, lol. (And yes, she turned on me for laughing and yes, I did go up and calm the boy down)



roflmao. that sounds exactly like my son.


I feel for you dude. :(

morphius
04-09-2009, 09:12 AM
My girls have a tradition.

Every, single time we've scheduled professional pictures, one of them wrecks their face. We've got pics with black eyes that look like they've been man punched, teeth holes through lips, goose eggs, bruises etc.

The one year old kept up tradition for her recent photo....She's been in a climbing-daredevil phase....climbing on coffee tables/chairs/couches and trying to climb up cabinet drawer handles...flipping over the mini-rocking chair I refinished for them....

So we'd been extra careful the week leading up to the 1yr pics...made it to the day. I put her cloths on, had her ready while brideowanian was finishing up her hair or something....she is pushing a ride-toy thing, and face plants on the tile.......half of her forehead is a giant, pulsing welt by the time her mother gets down stairs. I'm popular.

ffw half a week.

last week, we're doing some "entire family" photos at my folks and the photographer is there.....She face plants and puts a matching welt/mark/bruise on her cheek.

I told her if she's going to be dumb she's going to have to be tough.
Right before one of the neighbor kids Jake was about to turn 2, him, his older brother and my son (Scott, who is a month younger than the kid about to turn two) are playing upstairs together as my wife went down stairs to get something. A minute later the older brother comes running down the hallway, and completely out of breath says to my wife, "Mrs Chris, Mrs Chris. Ummm, Jakob hit Scott (try to catch breath) and Ummm, Scott hit Jakob (pauses) haaaarrrrrrrdderr."

So yup, right before his birthday my son was nice enough to knock the kid to the ground, but left him with a great shiner for all of his 2 year old pic's.

morphius
04-09-2009, 09:16 AM
roflmao. that sounds exactly like my son.


I feel for you dude. :(
Luckily he is pretty good kid, and the only thing he seems to get in trouble with at school is running at recess. Yes, running at recess in 2nd grade apparently is outlawed. I can't even get myself to punish him for such a terrible offense.

wilas101
04-09-2009, 09:17 AM
2 summers ago I was coaching my son's 10U baseball team and he was on the mound for me. The first inning he's a machine. strike, strike strike, out, rinse and repeat. he goes out for the 2nd inning and he's all over the place and proceeds to walk the bases full. I call time and go out there to see what's up and he say's "I'm thirsty, I need a drink."

so I tell him to get out of that inning and he can have a drink.

he then proceeds to walk the rest of the opposing team and ends up walking in like 5 or 6 runs before 3 hackers who'll swing at anything finally make outs for him.

he comes walking to the dugout and I look at him and he goes "I TOLD you I was thirsty!!"

Iowanian
04-09-2009, 09:18 AM
Last fall, my niece and nephew, in the range of 5&2 spent the night with us...before their parents were out the door(it was bed time and we'd put them down in our guest room) we all hear a "THUMP! THUMP! THUMP"...my sister says "oh, XYZ is kicking the wall"...."THUMP THUMP SMASH!"....screams.

We run up, He's donkey kicked the wall, and then the window and kicked his foot through it.....It could have been really, really bad as his leg is stuck through jagged glass....blood everywhere. I pick him up and pull him across the bed and head for the bathroom.

Blood sprayed like he'd been cut with a chainsaw....all over the wall, the bed, the creme colored carpet....

We did luck out and it was a "stab wound" that clotted and didn't take stitches.....


Its always interesting.

MOhillbilly
04-09-2009, 09:24 AM
My boy was all the time 'where are we goin? what are we doin?' i told him he was a need to know basis and he didnt need to know. About a week or so later were on the way to the bank & feed store and his sister starts up. 'where are we go'
boy deadpans 'you are on a need to know basis'.

Buehler445
04-09-2009, 09:26 AM
When my nephew was 4 we had a santa clause for him. We got this guy that runs the elevator to do it. So the guy showers up, gets into costume, and comes by putting on one HELL of an act (I didn't even know who it was until they told me). So we think we're golden. No WAY this kid can know who santa is. Then he looks up at santa and says, "santa, you smell like the elevator."

WTF???? That santa suit never went near the elevator and they guy showered all up.

I was amazed.
Posted via Mobile Device

wutamess
04-09-2009, 10:07 AM
Again... my 2yo boy at the time and my 3 year old girl:

I was working from home and on the computer and they were playing around another chair I had next to the desk. A fight broke out some reason and the girl hits the boy. The boy screams and gets really pissed, raises his arm ready to swing and decides to chase his sister around the chair.

The boy was too slow and the sister would lap him. Instead of lap him, she'd hit him in his head and turn around and run the other way. He'd turn around again (arm still in the air ready to hit if he got close enough) and get lapped and hit in the back of the head again.

After about 3 laps and literally dieing of laughter I managed enough strength to tell them to knock it off.

wutamess
04-09-2009, 10:09 AM
When my nephew was 4 we had a santa clause for him. We got this guy that runs the elevator to do it. So the guy showers up, gets into costume, and comes by putting on one HELL of an act (I didn't even know who it was until they told me). So we think we're golden. No WAY this kid can know who santa is. Then he looks up at santa and says, "santa, you smell like the elevator."

WTF???? That santa suit never went near the elevator and they guy showered all up.

I was amazed.
Posted via Mobile Device

Maybe the elevator man was really the milkman. :shrug:
Just sayin.

Talisman
04-09-2009, 10:28 AM
Taliswoman and I don't have kids yet, so I have to dig back into my younger days for reference. One time when I was around 3-4, we went to see my grandparents (mom's side). We had just gotten there and it was around supper time. My dad asked my grandma what was for supper and before she could answer I chimed in with, "Mom said in the car it was probably going to be leftovers again."

Deberg_1990
04-09-2009, 10:35 AM
Hey just saying sleeping with babies isn't always a great idea.

Are you even a Daddy?

Joie
04-09-2009, 06:35 PM
When my nephew was 6 and I was 15 I took him to see Santa. Should have been easy enough. Until Santa speaks. He pulls me aside and says "Why does Santa sound different than he did last year?" I'm thinking my sister is going to kill me if I bring her kid back no longer believing in Santa. So I told him that Santa did sound different....he must have a cold or something. Thank God he was satisfied with that.

scorpio
04-09-2009, 07:36 PM
My son of 3 or 4 walks up to me one day and asked me if I was a bean. I said no son, I am a man. He looks at me kinda puzzled but accepts the answer and I hear nothing more of it for a couple days. Then I am in his room and he's all upset. He is practically in tears and says to me, "Dad I aint no bean". He says it in an angry tone and then starts crying after he says it. I told him, "of course you're not a bean. Your a boy. He said...you told me I was a human bean (being).

I guess the little fella had been trying to come to terms for some time with being nothing more than a bean. Poor guy.:LOL:

I think I posted this several years ago on this board, but when I was about 5 I was being a real craphead and my mom said, "You had better knock it off or I'm going to ground you!"

Except I heard, "I'm going to DROWN you!"

I was good for awhile.

kindra68
04-10-2009, 07:54 AM
My (now 16yo) son (still) thinks it’s hilarious to just yell “FREEBIRD” randomly. Walking out of his room, down the hall, past the couch, and into the kitchen. Gets whatever food isn’t nailed down, walks back by the couch, turns & raises rocker fist in air, and yells “FREEBIRD” turns and walks back down hall and into room, shuts door.
Doesn’t seen too funny until you pan back to me sitting on the couch, gripping my (now) empty ice cream (or something equally messy) bowl, heart racing and look of horror on my face thinking “WTF!?”

rockymtnchief
04-10-2009, 09:05 AM
My wife accidentally let "little shit" escape her mouth as my son was storming off to his room when he as 5, and just before he got to his door he turned around and yelled back, "Ohhh, thats just great!!! That's what you think about me, I'm just Shit! That's really great, thanks a lot! I'm nothing but Shit!". My wife was horrified, and I was litterally on the floor, rolling with tears streaming as I couldn't not bust up laughing at that. Sailor lady has to learn to control that language somehow, lol. (And yes, she turned on me for laughing and yes, I did go up and calm the boy down)

When my daughter was 3 she already had this huge vocabulary. I have no idea where it came from but....

We were walking across the street and she said something that just cracked me up and I slipped with a, "You're such a lil shit." She replied nonchalantly, "I'm not a lil shit...I'm a lil girl. You need to get your facts straight, daddy." She then got really pissed because my buddy and I couldn't stop laughing.

Over-Head
04-10-2009, 09:12 AM
Dozed off in the chair last night (actually got home eairly for a change)
"Jake" (2yrs old)comes in the room on the fly and let's me have a soup ladel right in the ole twig's and berries while i'm snoring away.
I wake up feling like I'm about to puke, let this "I don't know how to describe it sound honey" (acording to the wife) out of me, fall forward and go fetal on the floor.

Jake takes off, comes back in a few mins later bends down and looks at me on the floor, and ever so innocently puts his nose to within about 2 inches of mine and says......

"hello agian dad" waves at me, and walks away.

Mr. Kotter
04-10-2009, 09:23 AM
Okay, with four kids....kids bathing together is almost a necessity. As our oldest boy was growing, we knew there would be a point where he'd have to stop bathing with his younger sisters....but it didn't quite happen in a way we had expected.

He was 7 or 8 at the time, and his little brother had finished his bath...so we tossed our youngest girl who was 3 at the time in with him. As we are lathering her hair, Chris stands up to soap his body....I turn around to grab a towel, and over my shoulder I hear my little girl who's sitting in the tub next to her older brother ask, "Daddy, why don't I have one of these?" My son yells, "Dad!!!" I turn around, and she had grabbbed a hold of his Johnson and was hanging onto it, yanking it around like taffy. My boy sees me laughing....and says, "DAD!"....and storms out of the bathroom.

It was his last bath with his sisters.....Heh.

El Jefe
04-10-2009, 10:06 AM
Okay, with four kids....kids bathing together is almost a necessity. As our oldest boy was growing, we knew there would be a point where he'd have to stop bathing with his younger sisters....but it didn't quite happen in a way we had expected.

He was 7 or 8 at the time, and his little brother had finished his bath...so we tossed our youngest girl who was 3 at the time in with him. As we are lathering her hair, Chris stands up to soap his body....I turn around to grab a towel, and over my shoulder I hear my little girl who's sitting in the tub next to her older brother ask, "Daddy, why don't I have one of these?" My son yells, "Dad!!!" I turn around, and she had grabbbed a hold of his Johnson and was hanging onto it, yanking it around like taffy. My boy sees me laughing....and says, "DAD!"....and storms out of the bathroom.

It was his last bath with his sisters.....Heh.


ROFL

Mr. Kotter
04-10-2009, 01:10 PM
ROFL

Yeah, I thought it was pretty funny.

PastorMikH
04-10-2009, 01:29 PM
Our oldest seems to have put together some of the best stories. The wife one day walks into the kitchen to see that she had poured pancake syrup on the floor and was down on all fours licking it up like a dog.

During the potty training phaze, she decides to "help" by changing her own poopy pull up. I walk into the bathroom and she had crap from her waist down, and not just in a spot or two, it's ALL OVER. I picked her up by forklifting her armpits and carry her out to the front yard. Pull out the garden hose and hosed her down.

Over-Head
04-11-2009, 07:07 AM
Our oldest seems to have put together some of the best stories. The wife one day walks into the kitchen to see that she had poured pancake syrup on the floor and was down on all fours licking it up like a dog.

During the potty training phaze, she decides to "help" by changing her own poopy pull up. I walk into the bathroom and she had crap from her waist down, and not just in a spot or two, it's ALL OVER. I picked her up by forklifting her armpits and carry her out to the front yard. Pull out the garden hose and hosed her down.

Ahhhh the delightfull things yet to come for me and the Mrs.

acesn8s
04-11-2009, 08:03 AM
The family and I go to visit my folks. They rent out part of their land to a fellow so he can raise cattle. I look out across the yard and see my youngest at the fence, facing a cow, with her dress pulled over her head, screaming at the top of her lungs "STOP LOOKING AT ME!"

Over-Head
04-12-2009, 05:22 PM
The family and I go to visit my folks. They rent out part of their land to a fellow so he can raise cattle. I look out across the yard and see my youngest at the fence, facing a cow, with her dress pulled over her head, screaming at the top of her lungs "STOP LOOKING AT ME!"ROFL

Phobia
04-12-2009, 05:31 PM
Today we passed black and whiite roadkill about the size of a cat and my wife inquires about the awful smell.

Our Reese says from the back seat, "Daddy just hit a Stunk!"

Talisman
04-12-2009, 05:35 PM
A girl I used to work with told me about the time she was walking across a grocery store parking lot towards her car with her daughter who was about 5 or 6 at the time. The gal was a smoker and was puffing away on a cigarette as she was walking. A guy that was coming towards her was busting a gut laughing at her and she couldn't understand why. Until she looked down and saw that her daughter was imitating her smoking... with a jumbo tampon from her purse.

rockymtnchief
04-12-2009, 05:38 PM
A girl I used to work with told me about the time she was walking across a grocery store parking lot towards her car with her daughter who was about 5 or 6 at the time. The gal was a smoker and was puffing away on a cigarette as she was walking. A guy that was coming towards her was busting a gut laughing at her and she couldn't understand why. Until she looked down and saw that her daughter was imitating her smoking... with a jumbo tampon from her purse.

ROFL:clap:

KcMizzou
04-12-2009, 05:38 PM
Okay, with four kids....kids bathing together is almost a necessity. As our oldest boy was growing, we knew there would be a point where he'd have to stop bathing with his younger sisters....but it didn't quite happen in a way we had expected.

He was 7 or 8 at the time, and his little brother had finished his bath...so we tossed our youngest girl who was 3 at the time in with him. As we are lathering her hair, Chris stands up to soap his body....I turn around to grab a towel, and over my shoulder I hear my little girl who's sitting in the tub next to her older brother ask, "Daddy, why don't I have one of these?" My son yells, "Dad!!!" I turn around, and she had grabbbed a hold of his Johnson and was hanging onto it, yanking it around like taffy. My boy sees me laughing....and says, "DAD!"....and storms out of the bathroom.

It was his last bath with his sisters.....Heh.My mom likes to tell a story about one time when she walked in the bathroom after hearing me yell for her, and I was clinging to the wall spiderman-style. Standing on about a 1 inch ledge at the back of the tub. Lil' sis had pooped in the tub.

I think she's told every girl I've ever dated about it.

Jenson71
04-12-2009, 05:40 PM
I used to pee on my brother's back when we had to take a bath together. My parents never bought that it was the rubber duck.

Gracie Dean
04-12-2009, 07:47 PM
funny