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FAX
04-30-2009, 09:07 PM
I am in the midst of an horrific dilemma, Planeteers. What follows is the sad and heartbreaking tale of woe stuff.

Approximately two months ago, I decided to grow a beard. Not a big, long, fuzzy one that can hold mashed potatoes and a family of finches. Just a neatly trimmed goatee thing with mustache thing and bluesy turtle tail looking thing under the lower lip place. Kind of a Tony Stark type deal. I haven't had a beard of any sort since my days on the road, so it's kind of cool and in keeping with my music business persona stuff.

Anyhow, the beautiful and witty Mrs. FAX is complaining. She says the beard is "prickly" when we kiss. Ergo, the mucho problemo. I like the beard and I like the beautiful and witty Mrs. FAX. She is also a very good kisser ... or at least she was before the beard.

The issue is obvious. Do I keep the beard or do I shave? To be honest, I have been hopeful that the beautiful and witty Mrs. FAX would become accustomed to the beard so that I might retain both my sporty new grill and my love life. She, however, holds the opposite opinion ... so damn.

Realizing that Planeteers are wise in the ways of love, marital problems, facial hair, and horrific dilemmas, I thought I'd ask for some advice and information. Do women get used to beards after awhile? Alternatively, is it actually possible that some women never get used to them? Should you be forced to decide between kissing a beautiful woman and sporting a cool beard complete with turtle tail thing, which would you choose? Were I to calculate the financial savings in razor blades and shaving cream, do you think she could turn from beard hater to beard supporter purely on economic grounds? Where do beards rank in the list of most common reasons for divorce?

Any assistance you could provide based upon your prior experience (with beards - not with the beautiful and witty Mrs. FAX) would be greatly appreciated.

FAX THE HAIRY

Dinny Blues
04-30-2009, 09:12 PM
Just keep the womb broom in the name of compromise.

Or punt.

Dinny

cdcox
04-30-2009, 09:14 PM
I encourage you to join me in a life-long commitment to clean-shaveness.

chop
04-30-2009, 09:15 PM
They do not get used to them if they are "prickly". Growing it a little longer may help it not to be "prickly" but the best advice is to make sure you use some type of conditioner that may soften the beard up some.

Scorp
04-30-2009, 09:16 PM
This is quite simple........keep the beard and don't kiss the wife anymore. :)

RustShack
04-30-2009, 09:19 PM
Keep the beard. She can deal or walk.

FAX
04-30-2009, 09:23 PM
I was wondering about the conditioner stuff. They (whoever they are) make fabric softener, water softener, and stool softener, so I thought maybe they made beard softener, too. However, I've never seen any and I am 100 percent philosophically opposed to the concept of using stool softener on my face.

FAX THE OPPOSED TO RUBBING STOOL SOFTENER ON MY FACE

RustShack
04-30-2009, 09:25 PM
If she loves you she will get used to it.

Ari Chi3fs
04-30-2009, 09:26 PM
Antifreeze Gatorade?

DeezNutz
04-30-2009, 09:27 PM
We need to know more about her reaction to offer you sound advice.

Does she respond like Absolon, with much mouth wiping and spitting after kissing your hole?

<--------------(amused by his own literary allusions)

soopamanluva
04-30-2009, 09:29 PM
if mama aint happy, aint nobody happy
Posted via Mobile Device

Bugeater
04-30-2009, 09:30 PM
The answer is simple, tell the beautiful and witty Mrs FAX that she is free to grow a beard of her own.

Just Passin' By
04-30-2009, 09:30 PM
I was wondering about the conditioner stuff. They (whoever they are) make fabric softener, water softener, and stool softener, so I thought maybe they made beard softener, too. However, I've never seen any and I am 100 percent philosophically opposed to the concept of using stool softener on my face.

FAX THE OPPOSED TO RUBBING STOOL SOFTENER ON MY FACE

Use regular hair conditioner. It works for my goatee.

luv
04-30-2009, 09:31 PM
There's more to consider than just kissing.

RustShack
04-30-2009, 09:31 PM
Tell her she has to shave you know where.

luv
04-30-2009, 09:33 PM
Tell her she has to shave you know where.

Where?

FAX
04-30-2009, 09:34 PM
We need to know more about her reaction to offer you sound advice.

Does she respond like Absolon, with much mouth wiping and spitting after kissing your hole?

<--------------(amused by his own literary allusions)

Nothing so dramatic, Mr. DeezNutz. She just says that it's "prickly" and is strongly suggesting that I lose the beard.

I, however, see this as a matter of personal conviction and pride. For example, I can't see John Wayne or Clint Eastwood or Moe Howard shaving simply because a girl doesn't like it. Sometimes, a man just has to be a man about some stuff.

FAX THE MANLY

Pioli Zombie
04-30-2009, 09:34 PM
I am not capable of not letting my own personal situation cloud my humble opinion on this matter so please bear that in mind when I say

TELL HER TO LEAVE YOU THE HELL ALONE AND GO MAKE YOU A SANDWICH AND BE GRATEFUL FOR ALL YOUVE DONE FOR HER FOR YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR
Posted via Mobile Device

DeezNutz
04-30-2009, 09:35 PM
Craft a wonderfully romantic lymeric to seduce her into loving the flavor saver.

Hydrae
04-30-2009, 09:35 PM
Use regular hair conditioner. It works for my goatee.

I use Pert on my head and just use some of that in the shower on my beard.

I am blessed to have a wife that likes facial hair! Most women either love it or hate it. Have you considered going opposite your current style and growing sideburns instead?

FAX
04-30-2009, 09:35 PM
Use regular hair conditioner. It works for my goatee.

Seriously? This may be the answer, right here. Don't go anywhere, Mr. Just Passin' By ...

What sort of conditioner do you use?

FAX

FAX
04-30-2009, 09:41 PM
I use Pert on my head and just use some of that in the shower on my beard.

I am blessed to have a wife that likes facial hair! Most women either love it or hate it. Have you considered going opposite your current style and growing sideburns instead?

Pert? What the hell is Pert?

As for the sideburns, thanks for the suggestion, Mr. Hydrae, but I didn't grow the beard out of some uncontrollable compulsion to have hair on my face somewhere. I just thought it would be something different and decided that I liked it. Little did I know at the time, it would cause a problem like this.

I was just hopeful that she would get used to it. Sounds like I was wrong, but how was I to know? She never complained about my eyebrows.

FAX THE UNFORTUNATE

Rain Man
04-30-2009, 09:42 PM
I don't mean to be intrusive, but have you attempted any Taliban role-playing sex games with her? Maybe it's really the burqa that she doesn't like.

DeezNutz
04-30-2009, 09:44 PM
After looking at your profile pic, I tend to agree with your wife. I see the musician angle, but, even trimmed, it's just not working:

http://mj.barczyk.se/blog/wp-content/michaeljackson_beard.jpg

FAX
04-30-2009, 09:47 PM
I don't mean to be intrusive, but have you attempted any Taliban role-playing sex games with her? Maybe it's really the burqa that she doesn't like.

Well ... we have played "Find The Camel" a couple of times, Mr. Rain Man, but with no problems other than a few very minor scrapes and scratches.

So far as I am aware, her only complaint is the beard. And the live-in belly dancer.

FAX THE UNWILLINGLY ABSTINENT

cdcox
04-30-2009, 09:47 PM
I have a colleague who had a beard when I met him. After several years he shaved it. Ever since then, every time I see him the first thing that pops into my head is, "Gee, now I know why he wore a beard."

Shave now before you meet someone new and you become FAX THE NOW I KNOW WHY HE WORE A BEARD

FAX
04-30-2009, 09:49 PM
Good point there, Mr. cdcox.

I'm wondering if I should go Groucho and just paint one on. Best of both worlds.

FAX

FAX
04-30-2009, 09:53 PM
Speak of the devil.

The beautiful and witty Mrs. FAX just called me to bed. Perhaps I am winning, after all.

For now, I shall bid you good night, Planeteers. And, thanks for the advice and assistance. Meanwhile, if anybody figures out what Pert is, please let me know.

FAX THE TENTATIVELY HOPEFUL

RustShack
04-30-2009, 09:54 PM
Speak of the devil.

The beautiful and witty Mrs. FAX just called me to bed. Perhaps I am winning, after all.

For now, I shall bid you good night, Planeteers. And, thanks for the advice and assistance. Meanwhile, if anybody figures out what Pert is, please let me know.

FAX THE TENTATIVELY HOPEFUL

Pert is a shampoo plus conditioner. I have used it before and its actually not bad at all.

Buehler445
04-30-2009, 09:58 PM
After looking at your profile pic, I tend to agree with your wife. I see the musician angle, but, even trimmed, it's just not working:

http://mj.barczyk.se/blog/wp-content/michaeljackson_beard.jpg

Dude. No.

Mr. Kotter
04-30-2009, 10:27 PM
I've had mine three and a half years. It may be hip with former beatniks and the coffee-house crowd and Planeteers...but, truthfully and sadly, I'm probably shaving mine, soon. Why? Because I can relate to what you are saying, 100%.

I just read your OP to the beautiful, witty, and sexy Mrs. Kotter--and she said, without hesitation I should add, "tell him to shave it."

acesn8s
05-01-2009, 04:03 AM
You could go with hair on the chin. Shave the upper lip.

As far as the beautiful and witty Mrs. acesn8s (i.e. joie) she has never met my chin.

Pioli Zombie
05-01-2009, 04:47 AM
Its like the old joke:
Kid goes away to college. Grows a goatee. Sends a picture home with a note
"I look like a count, no?"

Father sends a reply
"You damn stupid kid, I'm spending a fortune on college and you can't even spell"
Posted via Mobile Device

seclark
05-01-2009, 04:53 AM
how long have you been married, fax?
i think the plain and serious mrs.sec quit kissing me after our 3rd child was born.
then i grew the beard.
sec

Pioli Zombie
05-01-2009, 04:56 AM
Mawwaige. That dweam of dweams.

Kill me.
Posted via Mobile Device

Fritz88
05-01-2009, 04:56 AM
Mr. FAX, what if Mrs. FAX decided on a hair cut that you do not like. Would you convince her to change it?

Perhaps that's the way she looks at it.

I say stay as appealing to Mrs. FAX as possible.

But here's a question for the ladies. I thought women liked some friction when kissing, am I right?

Fritz88
05-01-2009, 04:57 AM
how long have you been married, fax?
i think the plain and serious mrs.sec quit kissing me after our 3rd child was born.
then i grew the beard.
sec

LMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAO

Pioli Zombie
05-01-2009, 04:57 AM
Women like money.
Posted via Mobile Device

Mile High Mania
05-01-2009, 05:16 AM
I'm not sure what Passin' By is referring to but, whiskers are whiskers and by nature they're prickly. I haven't had a cleanly shaved face in over a decade... and I haven't seen any product that makes the whiskers less prickly - esp if it's shorter. Maybe a longer beard would be less painful, I dunno. Ask the guys from ZZTop.

Raiderhater58
05-01-2009, 05:20 AM
Its like the old joke:
Kid goes away to college. Grows a goatee. Sends a picture home with a note
"I look like a count, no?"

Father sends a reply
"You damn stupid kid, I'm spending a fortune on college and you can't even spell"
Posted via Mobile Device

:LOL:ROFLROFLROFL

tmax63
05-01-2009, 05:44 AM
The war department doesn't like my beard very much either Mr. Fax. And after having met Mr. RainMan recently he can attest I'm closer to ZZ Top than a beatnik. What I have found over the 10 years or so is that she puts up with it (and me) and when I do shave it on ocasion she is exceptionally grateful. It can be a pleasant surprise when she least expects it.

ziggysocki
05-01-2009, 05:55 AM
I say shave it. Unless you are hiding some nasty scars, ugly tattoos, or gross birthmarks --- or something of that nature. Mathematically -- appreciation of your wife > (coolness of a goatee)^2 / number of harley davidsons owned

patteeu
05-01-2009, 05:57 AM
I have a colleague who had a beard when I met him.

Was it prickly when you kissed?

patteeu
05-01-2009, 06:00 AM
I think "shave it" is the right answer here.

Fried Meat Ball!
05-01-2009, 06:06 AM
Well Mr. FAX, I can't speak for anyone else, but here's my take: I've had a beard or goatee since I met my wife. Only been clean shaven a couple of times. I've been married for six years, and all the time the wife always talked about how much she liked me clean shaven, that the beard or goatee was OK, but she preferred me clean shaven.

She still kissed me, she still did other things, so she wasn't holding anything out...

Then I went clean shaven last Halloween so I could play Jake Blues... and she told me then that she preferred me with a beard.

It took seven years or so, but eventually she not only got used to it but now prefers it.

Iowanian
05-01-2009, 06:21 AM
Keep the beard. She can deal or walk.

Am I the only one who finds this particular post, hilarious?



Take'r on a magic moustache ride and see if that changes her mind.
Facial hair hasn't caught on at my house and ever attempt has been shot down like a 1 engine bomber flying low over 1944 germany.

I told brideowanian more than once that I'm married now, I don't have to be cool or buff anymore.

Jethopper
05-01-2009, 06:23 AM
hippie.

Red Beans
05-01-2009, 06:29 AM
Soaking your beard in gasoline helps and it also prevents the swine flu...

EyePod
05-01-2009, 06:36 AM
Please the woman, or you'll be getting less. Shave the beard and anything else she wants too. I'd rather no hair and great sex than complaints of prickliness and spit in your dinner.

Iowanian
05-01-2009, 06:51 AM
Tell her the beard is like a hunger strike until she shaves her legs.


Its stuff like that that keeps my house lively....or gets me extra time to fish and hunt.

Hydrae
05-01-2009, 11:00 AM
Pert? What the hell is Pert?

As for the sideburns, thanks for the suggestion, Mr. Hydrae, but I didn't grow the beard out of some uncontrollable compulsion to have hair on my face somewhere. I just thought it would be something different and decided that I liked it. Little did I know at the time, it would cause a problem like this.

I was just hopeful that she would get used to it. Sounds like I was wrong, but how was I to know? She never complained about my eyebrows.

FAX THE UNFORTUNATE

Pert is shampoo and conditioner in one. I thought most everyone knew what Pert was. Here is a link for you...

http://www.pertplus.com/

Joie
05-01-2009, 01:51 PM
Having never met Aces' chin in the 5 1/2 years we've been together, I am somewhat envious of Mrs. FAX. At least she knows what lies beneath the facial hair.

When my parents were still together they had a compromise. Dad would wear the beard for winter, and shave for summer. That way they both got what they wanted. There again though, Mom knew what was under the beard.

JOIE....A LITTLE AFRAID OF WHAT HER HUSBAND MAY BE HIDING UNDER THE GOATEE

Katipan
05-01-2009, 01:54 PM
I've never loved a man without facial fuzz.
That's pretty fucking scary.

I like when the baby face makes an appearance, but at the end of the day, I like scruffy.

Coogs
05-01-2009, 02:11 PM
I've never had a beard, and you don't seem to be interested in previous experience with Mrs. FAX. I got nuthin'! :shrug: :D

FAX
05-01-2009, 04:24 PM
Okay, I've stocked up on Pert. I bought tons of that stuff. My plan is to submerge my head in Pert for as long as I can hold my breath and repeat until dizzy. Don't worry, I googled up some stuff, then I did an internet search and have found no instance of a man drowning in Pert.

I'll keep you posted.

FAX THE SOON TO BE SOFT AND FUZZY LIKE A BUNNY

Zebedee DuBois
05-01-2009, 04:38 PM
Mr. Fax, sir,
As many have already alluded to, the essence of being a man is to pursue a woman. One need only look around himself and observe what nature demands of the male of each and every species to know what you must do to be manly. Why does the woolly mountain ram beat his skull against another? To impress the ewe. Why does the prairie chicken dance and strut? To win the interest of the female. Why does the peacock display his glorious plumage for the peacu....err...peahen? To try to get a little action.

Now ask yourself, "Are my hair growing actions getting me more or less female attention?" Now act accordingly.

mlyonsd
05-01-2009, 04:43 PM
Tell her to get back in the kitchen.

rtmike
05-01-2009, 04:57 PM
Tell her to get back in the kitchen.

Her eyes must have healed up. :D

Adept Havelock
05-01-2009, 05:02 PM
Since I've regrown mine, I use these "Beardsley" products:

http://www.beardcareproducts.com/

Try the Beard Wash and Beard Saver two pack at the bottom of the link page.

rtmike
05-01-2009, 05:04 PM
Tell her she has to shave you know where.

Maybe her hairs are prickly too.

I know it takes a glass of water to get one to wash down.



My wife likes the 'stache & butt scrubber. Then again I have a big ass mole under my nose so I haven't shaved the 'stache since the peach fuzz days of the early 80's.

acesn8s
05-01-2009, 11:07 PM
Maybe her hairs are prickly too.

I know it takes a glass of water to get one to wash down.



My wife likes the 'stache & butt scrubber. Then again I have a big ass mole under my nose so I haven't shaved the 'stache since the peach fuzz days of the early 80's.What is an ass mole? :shrug:

Raised On Riots
05-01-2009, 11:13 PM
I was wondering about the conditioner stuff. They (whoever they are) make fabric softener, water softener, and stool softener, so I thought maybe they made beard softener, too. However, I've never seen any and I am 100 percent philosophically opposed to the concept of using stool softener on my face.

FAX THE OPPOSED TO RUBBING STOOL SOFTENER ON MY FACE

ROFL

Raised On Riots
05-01-2009, 11:16 PM
Pert? What the hell is Pert?


FAX THE UNFORTUNATE

LMAO This thread is priceless.

Raised On Riots
05-01-2009, 11:19 PM
Okay, I've stocked up on Pert. I bought tons of that stuff. My plan is to submerge my head in Pert for as long as I can hold my breath and repeat until dizzy. Don't worry, I googled up some stuff, then I did an internet search and have found no instance of a man drowning in Pert.

I'll keep you posted.

FAX THE SOON TO BE SOFT AND FUZZY LIKE A BUNNY

ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL

You'll be "bouncin' and behavin'" in no time!!!!LMAO

FAX
05-02-2009, 12:04 AM
Well, that could have gone better.

Thanks for all your help, but it appears that I am not only prickly, but I now cast a scent as though I took a bath in a Belgium whore house then spent the afternoon rolling around in Liberace's formal gardens. The beard is gone as of tomorrow. Farewell, oh beard.

Perhaps ... in some future reincarnation, I shall be reborn as a mountain man, living strong and wild and free amongst the stones and trees and shrubberies and pine needles and rabbits and other forest things with my mountain stuff and a beard.

Anybody want to buy some Pert?

FAX THE ONLY TEMPORARILY CELIBATE

Raised On Riots
05-02-2009, 12:14 AM
ROFL "Shampoo + Conditioner"!

(Belgian whore house at no additional charge)



Google then Ebay "Body on Tap"; the first commercially available shampoo made with beer!
You might not get laid, but your facial hair will party like it's 1979!:thumb:

Fried Meat Ball!
05-02-2009, 05:53 AM
Well, that could have gone better.

Thanks for all your help, but it appears that I am not only prickly, but I now cast a scent as though I took a bath in a Belgium whore house then spent the afternoon rolling around in Liberace's formal gardens. The beard is gone as of tomorrow. Farewell, oh beard.

Perhaps ... in some future reincarnation, I shall be reborn as a mountain man, living strong and wild and free amongst the stones and trees and shrubberies and pine needles and rabbits and other forest things with my mountain stuff and a beard.

Anybody want to buy some Pert?

FAX THE ONLY TEMPORARILY CELIBATE
FAX, I shall raise a glass to you and your beard.

Reerun_KC
05-02-2009, 06:08 AM
I have laughed so hard at this thread, I have tears!

Holy Crap this is Hall worthy! Thread is beyond priceless...

Fried Meat Ball!
05-02-2009, 06:24 AM
FAX, I urge to reconsider. I think the wife will not only get used to it, but grow to like it...

milkman
05-02-2009, 06:51 AM
I've had a beard for well over 20 years, and I ain't shaving it for nobody.

ncCHIEFfan
05-02-2009, 07:12 AM
Hey Fax, not sure how you will look but some women enjoy kissing a man with facial hair more if he has a bare upper lip! Good Luck! Keep the Mrs. happy!

CoMoChief
05-02-2009, 08:20 AM
Keep the beard, dont kiss your wife til she stops complaining. end of story.

I got a beard I keep trimmed. though I shave it around my lips

StcChief
05-02-2009, 08:28 AM
Fax make the witty Mrs Fax happy..... or live to regret it.

acesn8s
05-02-2009, 02:06 PM
So, is this the "FAX's beard is leaving forever" thread?

Zebedee DuBois
05-02-2009, 02:51 PM
So, is this the "FAX's beard is leaving forever" thread?

Well, to be honest, FAX's beard should have posted more and not been such a sensitive ninny. I hope FAX's beard doesn't let the door hit it in FAX's beards' arse! Antifreeze in a fire!.

LOCOChief
05-02-2009, 03:27 PM
Tell the beautiful and witty Mrs. FAX that she is free to grow as much facial hair as she would like as long as you can.