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View Full Version : Life Personal advice sought, v. II.


Direckshun
05-04-2009, 12:15 AM
I started a personal advice thread that you guys, god bless ya'll, were kind enough to sincerely offer some words of advice.

The thread featured a friend of mine, well a couple friends of mine who are married to one another. The dude, whom I met them through, is cheating on the girl (http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?p=5688080#post5688080). My friends had for a while slowly started learning about this, and I picked up the news through the grapevine as well.

I talked to a lot of people, ChiefsPlanet included, about what to do. Do I confront my friend the cheater, calling him out privately and telling him to get his act together, or allow the situation to work itself out as if I saw/heard nothing.

Your advice, overwhelmingly, was to "stay out of it."

Well let me approach the issue from the other side.

As I said, I am friends with both of these individuals, including the chick who for all I know is living under the impression that her husband is loyal.

Here's the question: if I do not have an obligation to step in and tell him to cut his shit out, do I NOT have an obligation to alert her to the situation?

I mean it. **** my male friend -- if my woman was cheating on me and my friends ****ing knew about it, wouldn't it be the all-time dick move not to tell me? For them to continue hanging out with me, allowing me to persist believing in something that isn't happening?

Wouldn't you want your friends to tell you if they knew? Or would you prefer them to stay out of it -- even if they knew.

Thanks in advance for the round of advice.

Matter of fact, if your advice is to "stay out of it," I want you to answer this question:

Would you prefer your friends NOT to tell you if they knew your significant other was cheating on you?

DeezNutz
05-04-2009, 12:16 AM
Stay out of it.

Direckshun
05-04-2009, 12:19 AM
Stay out of it.

So you'd prefer your friends NOT to tell you if they knew your woman was cheating.

Or man lover. NTTAWWT.

Reerun_KC
05-04-2009, 12:21 AM
Dude, that is a tough spot to be in, almost like playing with fire... There are so many different ways you could approach that and most likely all of them wont end well. My only thought is to call your friend out privately between you two. Maybe that will convict him to make changes. IF not then just stay out of it... Talking to his wife could make you look like your trying to.... Well it just wouldnt look good if you know what I mean?

Kyle DeLexus
05-04-2009, 12:22 AM
Really if you don't want to deal with what will come of it and you want to stay friends and keep things the way they are, stay out of it. Personally, I'd do something. If she is truely a friend, I wouldn't be able to not let her know.

Remember whatever you do be prepared for the consequences, be that on your conscience or on your friendship.

Direckshun
05-04-2009, 12:24 AM
Dude, that is a tough spot to be in, almost like playing with fire... There are so many different ways you could approach that and most likely all of them wont end well. My only thought is to call your friend out privately between you two. Maybe that will convict him to make changes. IF not then just stay out of it... Talking to his wife could make you look like your trying to.... Well it just wouldnt look good if you know what I mean?

I should add for the folks that don't know, I'm engaged and we are great couple-friends (you know what I mean) with this particular couple.

DeezNutz
05-04-2009, 12:25 AM
So you'd prefer your friends NOT to tell you if they knew your woman was cheating.

Or man lover. NTTAWWT.

It's probably a safe assumption that you're not closer with the girl than you are with her boyfriend, or whatever the fuck he is.

My boys would tell me, and I'd expect them to. That's not what you're describing here.

Find something else to worry about, and stay out of it. This is what's best for you in the long run.

If you're disgusted by what you see, time for some new friends.

doomy3
05-04-2009, 12:26 AM
I should add for the folks that don't know, I'm engaged and we are great couple-friends (you know what I mean) with this particular couple.

You swing with them?

Kyle DeLexus
05-04-2009, 12:26 AM
I should add for the folks that don't know, I'm engaged and we are great couple-friends (you know what I mean) with this particular couple.

At least one confirmed swinger on the planet :)

Frazod
05-04-2009, 12:26 AM
It's clear that you want to tell her. Just get it the hell over with.

DeezNutz
05-04-2009, 12:27 AM
As you slip it in her ass, slowly whisper, "This is what your man has been doing to you for weeks, so I knew you'd love it."

Kyle DeLexus
05-04-2009, 12:28 AM
You swing with them?

beat me to it

stumppy
05-04-2009, 12:28 AM
Doesn't matter what the problem is or who's right and who's wrong.
The only person that ends up on the losing side of a couples problems is the 3rd party.
You can take that to the bank.

Direckshun
05-04-2009, 12:30 AM
Doesn't matter what the problem is or who's right and who's wrong.
The only person that ends up on the losing side of a couples problems is the 3rd party.
You can take that to the bank.

So you're saying you'd prefer your friends not to tell you if they knew she was cheating on you.

wild1
05-04-2009, 12:33 AM
When I found out, I'd be enormously angry with the people who were covering for my cheating spouse, and I probably wouldn't associate with them any longer.

DeezNutz
05-04-2009, 12:37 AM
Men and women cannot be friends. /Harry/

Jenson71
05-04-2009, 12:37 AM
The worst that can happen is pain and suffering resulting from lost friendships, watching them go through divorce, a carry affect into your own relationship leading to divorce, a breakdown at work leading to unemployment, leading to a terrible ulcer that results in intestinal damage, that wipes away your savings and forces you to sell your house to pay to keep living, which forces you to homelessness, hunger, and drugs, including a dirty need, which gives you the final disease.

TinyEvel
05-04-2009, 12:39 AM
It depends on how tight you are with the guy. If I was pretty tight with the guy and the cheating evidence was 100 percent credible, I'd for sure mention it to him. Now, this should not be a "to catcha predator/cheater" intervention. Just man to man say what you've heard and ask if it's true.
People cheat for a variety of reasons, for men in prolonged situations it is usually because they are either insecure or there is something not right in their relationship.

What is your motivation for talking to him? Is it your friendship with his spouse? Sometimes cheaters are just caught up in the excitement of something new...the new, added attention and take their eyes off the long term goal/security of a marriage, and need someone to add some clear perspective.
Or, they are really in an unhappy situation and should have never been with that person in the first place and might need to make the tough choice to scrap it. But I'd recommend couple's therapy before a divorce for sure.
Either way, if you do bring it up, keep it mellow. Listen more than talk.

Kyle DeLexus
05-04-2009, 12:40 AM
The worst that can happen is pain and suffering resulting from lost friendships, watching them go through divorce, a carry affect into your own relationship leading to divorce, a breakdown at work leading to unemployment, leading to a terrible ulcer that results in intestinal damage, that wipes away your savings and forces you to sell your house to pay to keep living, which forces you to homelessness, hunger, and drugs, including a dirty need, which gives you the final disease.

He convinced me, Stay out of it!

pr_capone
05-04-2009, 12:44 AM
How good of a friend are you to each individual. I mean... if you had to pick one of them, who would you be closer to?

If the guy: Tell him you know and he needs to cut that shit out. Tell him to man up and either divorce his wife and let her find her own way... or he needs to end it and confess his misdeeds to his wife. She can make her own decisions from there.

If the girl: Tell her what is going on. You are no friend to her if you don't warn her that her hubby might bring home some unwanted disease from his screwing around. Every day this continues... her life is at risk.

*edit

I would be royally pissed and probably cause physical harm to "my friend" if they knew my OL was running around on me and did not tell me.

Direckshun
05-04-2009, 12:47 AM
How good of a friend are you to each individual. I mean... if you had to pick one of them, who would you be closer to?

If the guy: Tell him you know and he needs to cut that shit out. Tell him to man up and either divorce his wife and let her find her own way... or he needs to end it and confess his misdeeds to his wife. She can make her own decisions from there.

If the girl: Tell her what is going on. You are no friend to her if you don't warn her that her hubby might bring home some unwanted disease from his screwing around. Every day this continues... her life is at risk.

I'm closer to the guy.

But my fiance is closer to the girl.

Your move.

pr_capone
05-04-2009, 12:51 AM
I'm closer to the guy.

But my fiance is closer to the girl.

Your move.

My move is exactly what I told you.

You are buddies with the guy? Then talk to him.

If he refuses to admit he is ****ing up then it falls on you to let the wife know.

Might it ruin a friendship? Yeah. But really... a guy who ****s around on his wife is no one *I* would want to be friends with anyhow.

How would you feel if his OL wound up with syphilis or even HIV because of this?

Shit... the guilt would eat me alive.

DeezNutz
05-04-2009, 12:53 AM
I'm closer to the guy.

But my fiance is closer to the girl.

Your move.

Let your fiance do whatever she wants, then. You keep quiet.

You're not "really" friends with the other girl, if the dynamics of this "couple relationship" are like 99% of the ones I've ever known. The four of you get along and so you kick it. You're friends with the guy and your chick is friends with the other chick. The crossover connection is tenuous at best.

The end result: start looking for new friends.

Fruit Ninja
05-04-2009, 12:56 AM
Its obvious you want to say something. Just get it over with man. I would just stay out of it myself. I guess it would all depend on who i am closer too.

I would ask myself, who would be my friend still if that couple broke up. If you dont think the girl is going to be around after they are done with, its not worth it. You lose 2 friends for something you didn't do.


Like i said, just get it over with, you obvious want to tell her. Only 2 choices, do or dont do. Pick one and go. lol

Joe Seahawk
05-04-2009, 12:59 AM
Tell him to quit cheating on your other female friend, tell him he needs to tell her or you will have to..

Frazod
05-04-2009, 01:01 AM
Its obvious you want to say something. Just get it over with man. I would just stay out of it myself. I guess it would all depend on who i am closer too.

I would ask myself, who would be my friend still if that couple broke up. If you dont think the girl is going to be around after they are done with, its not worth it. You lose 2 friends for something you didn't do.


Like i said, just get it over with, you obvious want to tell her. Only 2 choices, do or dont do. Pick one and go. lol

Same advice I gave earlier.

It seems like you're seeking absolution from us. Well, seriously, who the hell are we? Do what you're going to do.

SBK
05-04-2009, 01:07 AM
You obviously want to tell her, go do it. While it's the wrong thing to do, and she won't believe you if she doesn't want to, knock yourself out.

bluehawkdoc
05-04-2009, 01:10 AM
At the end of the day, no matter how cliche in sounds, you have to be true to yourself. If you would want to be told if it was you, then tell her or talk with him. If not, let it go. If you lose a friendship over doing what is right, then the true depth of your "friendship" with this couple is questionable (on their side).

stumppy
05-04-2009, 01:13 AM
So you're saying you'd prefer your friends not to tell you if they knew she was cheating on you.

Completely different subject than what my advice pertained to. I'm sure 99.9% would say 'yes, I would want them to tell me'. However, I wouldn't expect my friends to come right out and tell me. I would expect them to make sure I was aware of what was happening without jumping right in the middle of me and my wifes relationship/problems/ etc. There's a big difference between the two.
The problem I see here is you have a scumbag for a friend. You would never be in this situation if you took responsibility for who you choose to be friends with. I'm sure there is some way to make sure she is aware of what he is doing with out letting either one know you had anything to do with it. Whatever you decide to do dump the scumbag friend you have. Even it it means you can't hang with the wife for awhile. If all of their friends start distancing themselves from him that in itself may get her pointed in the right direction about her husbands character.

TRing
05-04-2009, 01:26 AM
I usually don't butt in like this but...

If the guy doesn't know that you know he is cheating, then the first step you take is to have a talk with him. Go about it however you want; casual, heart to heart, whatever. You have to get a feel for what is going on with him. How he reacts to your "talk" will tell you a lot.

You cannot/must not skip this step...

Guaranteed that after you talk with him, his reaction will tell you everything you need to know and consequently will help you make your decision...

BWillie
05-04-2009, 01:32 AM
What are you gonna do? Tell on him? You know you can't buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick are you? Ok. Good talk. I'll see you out there.

Direckshun
05-04-2009, 01:35 AM
You would never be in this situation if you took responsibility for who you choose to be friends with.

I have no idea what this means.

Fruit Ninja
05-04-2009, 01:48 AM
I have no idea what this means.

He's basically saying you pick bad friends or someshit, which is total bullshit.

I said before i was in a situation similar with my best friend who i have been best friends with since we were 13 years old. We are now 32. about 3 years ago i was going through some pretty bad health issues and every single day my "bad, adulterer" friend was one of the few that would come even check up on me. Actually, he would come at lunch to check on me and after work. Me and him have been through alot in our almost 20 years as friends. I am glad i picked him as a friend. Yep, same cheating friend, one of the very few that stood behind me when my life was in a bad bad bad spot.

Silock
05-04-2009, 02:22 AM
I would first confront the cheater and if he/she didn't stop, then I would tell. And yes, I would absolutely want my friends to tell me if my wife were cheating on me.

J Diddy
05-04-2009, 03:11 AM
I would first confront the cheater and if he/she didn't stop, then I would tell. And yes, I would absolutely want my friends to tell me if my wife were cheating on me.




Yeah I'd say this. I'd tell the guy that i'm giving him the opportunity to come clean but if he didn't then I would discuss the problem with the wife. I mean really, if you feel the need to cheat, just get out of it and save a whole lot of hardship and heartbreak.

unlurking
05-04-2009, 05:42 AM
Use anonymous email (like http://www.guerrillamail.com/) to send something like the following...

To: Husband
To: Wife
CC: All Your Friends (include yourself obviously)

Subject: Steppin' Out...

Hey guys,

Who is cheating on who?

Thanks,
-fidelity


Then sit back and have fun watching everything. Forward it on to the couple asking who sent it, what's going on, etc. Anonymously turn it into a side show! If somebody's marriage is gonna go up in flames, might as well do it on YOUR schedule since all the good TV shows are over for the season!
;)

ziggysocki
05-04-2009, 05:51 AM
tell your gf, being a woman she will blow the entire shit up... and everyone will know everything.

Skip Towne
05-04-2009, 07:10 AM
Stay out of it.

Smed1065
05-04-2009, 07:17 AM
He knows and you know.
That is between guys.

Take and stand and do what feels right to you.
You have to live with youself and he does not.

End.

Kerberos
05-04-2009, 07:22 AM
I've been in a situation where a really good female friend (that introduced me to my wife) was interested in one of my best friends and I sat her down at the bar one night and tried like hell to explain to her the reasons NOT to get involved with my buddy. She has her own issues and he is NEVER going to commit to any woman as far as I can tell.

I talked till I was blue in the face and of course she didn't listen and thought she was going to be the almighty woman to tame the man that all other woman have failed to make happen. (Some woman just don't understand history)

Anyway I have known the guy since I was in grade school and the woman and I met under unusual circumstances back in the early 90's when I stopped drinking and she was a, to a certain extent, co-depedant ex-spouse to an alcoholic. We had a lot in common and a lot to talk about. Needless to say we helped each other through some of the worst times in our lives.

Well the inevitable happened and he broke her heart and I stayed the hell out of it because BOTH were good friends. It IS a conundrum of epic sorts when both are good friends.

Till this day he is still one of my best friends and she barely talks to me anymore. Go figure. But you know what ...... I TRIED TO TELL THE BITCH what was going to happen... But did she listen?

I guess my thoughts to you are this.....Either way YOUR F****ed in my experience.

Hope this helps. :)

luv
05-04-2009, 07:31 AM
I'm closer to the guy.

But my fiance is closer to the girl.

Your move.

So, what does our fiance say? Has she put herself in the other girl's shoes? If she's closer to the girl than you are, maybe she should be the one to tell her. I know I'd take it better coming from another female. I'd recommend telling her together, but she'll feel ganged up on. The decision is yours. If you decide she needs to be told though, I'd definitely try to talk your fiance into telling her instead of you.

Pioli Zombie
05-04-2009, 07:54 AM
Dude, that is a tough spot to be in, almost like playing with fire... There are so many different ways you could approach that and most likely all of them wont end well. My only thought is to call your friend out privately between you two. Maybe that will convict him to make changes. IF not then just stay out of it... Talking to his wife could make you look like your trying to.... Well it just wouldnt look good if you know what I mean?
You can't be best buds toi both. Pick one. I would suggest the guy.
Posted via Mobile Device

Crashride
05-04-2009, 08:11 AM
I started a personal advice thread that you guys, god bless ya'll, were kind enough to sincerely offer some words of advice.

The thread featured a friend of mine, well a couple friends of mine who are married to one another. The dude, whom I met them through, is cheating on the girl (http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?p=5688080#post5688080). My friends had for a while slowly started learning about this, and I picked up the news through the grapevine as well.

I talked to a lot of people, ChiefsPlanet included, about what to do. Do I confront my friend the cheater, calling him out privately and telling him to get his act together, or allow the situation to work itself out as if I saw/heard nothing.

Your advice, overwhelmingly, was to "stay out of it."

Well let me approach the issue from the other side.

As I said, I am friends with both of these individuals, including the chick who for all I know is living under the impression that her husband is loyal.

Here's the question: if I do not have an obligation to step in and tell him to cut his shit out, do I NOT have an obligation to alert her to the situation?

I mean it. **** my male friend -- if my woman was cheating on me and my friends ****ing knew about it, wouldn't it be the all-time dick move not to tell me? For them to continue hanging out with me, allowing me to persist believing in something that isn't happening?

Wouldn't you want your friends to tell you if they knew? Or would you prefer them to stay out of it -- even if they knew.

Thanks in advance for the round of advice.

Matter of fact, if your advice is to "stay out of it," I want you to answer this question:

Would you prefer your friends NOT to tell you if they knew your significant other was cheating on you?


Stay out of it bro hes YOUR FRIEND. You only know HER because of HIM. Why are you getting so attatched and involved in their relationship? But it sounds like you made up your mind on what your gonna do.
Why do we have to explain anything to you as far as us saying "stay out of it." It speaks for itself. Your getting an overwhelming amount of people saying this because the majority have been there and know not to try to fix people. What gives you the right to take action in someone elses matter? Who do you think you are?
Does that make what hes doing right? HELL NO. But stop trying to be DR. PHIL and just focus on your life. This will all blow up in his face eventually.
Your making new threads with questions for people, who are giving you advice...AGAIN, until you hear the answer THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.

patteeu
05-04-2009, 08:18 AM
Tell him to quit cheating on your other female friend, tell him he needs to tell her or you will have to..

This is the right thing to do, IMO.

wutamess
05-04-2009, 08:27 AM
Stay out of it.

This.

wutamess
05-04-2009, 08:29 AM
Stay out of it bro hes YOUR FRIEND. You only know HER because of HIM. Why are you getting so attatched and involved in their relationship? But it sounds like you made up your mind on what your gonna do.
Why do we have to explain anything to you as far as us saying "stay out of it." It speaks for itself. Your getting an overwhelming amount of people saying this because the majority have been there and know not to try to fix people. What gives you the right to take action in someone elses matter? Who do you think you are?
Does that make what hes doing right? HELL NO. But stop trying to be DR. PHIL and just focus on your life. This will all blow up in his face eventually.
Your making new threads with questions for people, who are giving you advice...AGAIN, until you hear the answer THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.

THIS!

Buehler445
05-04-2009, 08:35 AM
I'm late for work, so I didn't read all this, but it depends on who you are closest to. You need to try to salvage whichever friend you are closest to.

You also need to consult your finacee. You two should probably decide as a unit how to address the issue.

Katipan
05-04-2009, 08:37 AM
Here's the question: if I do not have an obligation to step in and tell him to cut his shit out, do I NOT have an obligation to alert her to the situation?

Honestly, you are so wishy washy that if you were to truly be a friend you'd just bow out of everyone's lives and live as a hermit in a nice secluded forest.

Slainte
05-04-2009, 08:40 AM
I would suggest staying out of it.

It's been my experience that most people--despite what they may think or say out loud--do not want to hear news of this nature from a good friend. It's surprising how many times the receiver of the bad news will often come to resent the teller moreso than the person that's wronged them. It's not logical, but it is true.

I see your situation like this: You have very little to gain and possibly very much to lose if you insist on inserting yourself into this domestic drama (although it's pretty obvious that you really want to, as others have already posted)...

Whatever you decide, good luck to all involved.

Earthling
05-04-2009, 08:41 AM
Back away slowly from the phone...Do not say anything...

Brock
05-04-2009, 08:41 AM
You could do it anonymously if you feel you must.

Radar Chief
05-04-2009, 08:47 AM
Stay out of it bro hes YOUR FRIEND. You only know HER because of HIM. Why are you getting so attatched and involved in their relationship? But it sounds like you made up your mind on what your gonna do.
Why do we have to explain anything to you as far as us saying "stay out of it." It speaks for itself. Your getting an overwhelming amount of people saying this because the majority have been there and know not to try to fix people. What gives you the right to take action in someone elses matter? Who do you think you are?
Does that make what hes doing right? HELL NO. But stop trying to be DR. PHIL and just focus on your life. This will all blow up in his face eventually.
Your making new threads with questions for people, who are giving you advice...AGAIN, until you hear the answer THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.

Yup.
Look, if you need to put yourself in the middle of your friend’s marriage go for it. You seem determined to anyway.
But know this, if you do that you’ll be loosing two friends out of the deal. He’ll hate you for being a nark and she’ll hate you for being a friend of the cheater. There is no win in this situation for you.

ForeverChiefs58
05-04-2009, 08:50 AM
Doesn't matter what the problem is or who's right and who's wrong.
The only person that ends up on the losing side of a couples problems is the 3rd party.
You can take that to the bank.

This.

alpha_omega
05-04-2009, 08:53 AM
I would lean on the side of stay out of it.

However, like many have noted it sounds like you want to tell. So, if you do...make sure your evidence is 100% and be prepared for consequences.

Cormac
05-04-2009, 08:54 AM
Without reading all the replies - don't take the consensus of the board as what you should literally do. I know people have good points to make and are trying to help, but in the end nobody understands the friendships/situation/repercussions involved for any of the parties. If you feel that you really need to talk to the husband and let him know that people know what's going on - then do it. But I would do it discreetly, without threatening him that you'll tell his wife. After all, it's still his life and he has to run it. But IMO you'd be doing him a favour by letting him know it's not a secret.

Am I right in assuming that your fiancee knows what is going on?

ForeverChiefs58
05-04-2009, 08:56 AM
Think about if you tell and they work it out, they will both shun you as the person who tried to break them up. Not that she won't appreciate the heads up, but you will lose out in the end when he explains everything to her and they stay together. Been there, done that. Doesn't end well for you. Good luck

luv
05-04-2009, 08:59 AM
Think about if you tell and they work it out, they will both shun you as the person who tried to break them up. Not that she won't appreciate the heads up, but you will lose out in the end when he explains everything to her and they stay together. Been there, done that. Doesn't end well for you. Good luck

How is he trying to break them up? They can't work anything out if she doesn't know.

Chiefnj2
05-04-2009, 09:00 AM
Why is it so important for you to try to come off as the White Knight for the married lady?

luv
05-04-2009, 09:03 AM
What's funny is the number of people telling him he needs to pull the hubby aside and let him know people know. That's what he asked about last time, and a majority told him he shouldn't.

Lumpy
05-04-2009, 09:07 AM
What I cannot understand is how he is getting away w/ it and she's not seeing the red flags.

ForeverChiefs58
05-04-2009, 09:10 AM
Great idea. You and fiancee tell her one night after a few drinks, she will be mad and upset, perfect time for a group hug. Then try to get your fiancee and the girl to start kissing. BING BANG BOOM! After the threesome, you will basically be in the same situation, only you will feel a LOT better about it all.

ForeverChiefs58
05-04-2009, 09:18 AM
How is he trying to break them up? They can't work anything out if she doesn't know.


The couple will talk about this new discovery that you shed light on, he will explain it to her and twist it and say he is sorry. Cheating is not a deal breaker for a lot of people. She will stay with him. Of course they both will stop hanging out with you and you are left scratching your head wondering why you got involved to begin with.

Frazod
05-04-2009, 09:18 AM
What I cannot understand is how he is getting away w/ it and she's not seeing the red flags.

Sometimes people go out of their way not to see them. It's very possible that she knows or at least suspects but is in denial over it.

luv
05-04-2009, 09:21 AM
The couple will talk about this new discovery that you shed light on, he will explain it to her and twist it and say he is sorry. Cheating is not a deal breaker for a lot of people. She will stay with him. Of course they both will stop hanging out with you and you are left scratching your head wondering why you got involved to begin with.

What's to explain?

"Honey, I found a woman (or two or three) who I was physically attracted to and fucked them. Sorry I forgot to mention it."

If it was one time, that MIGHT be something you could work out.

ForeverChiefs58
05-04-2009, 09:28 AM
What's to explain?

"Honey, I found a woman (or two or three) who I was physically attracted to and fucked them. Sorry I forgot to mention it."

If it was one time, that MIGHT be something you could work out.



I have known a few guys that have done this as well, and they are usually good with smooth talking, that is what helped them get in the situation to begin with. Spouse/whatever forgives the other person and you are bad guy.

luv
05-04-2009, 09:34 AM
I have known a few guys that have done this as well, and they are usually good with smooth talking, that is what helped them get in the situation to begin with. Spouse/whatever forgives the other person and you are bad guy.

All I know is that, if that girl was me and I found out they knew the whole time and didn't bother saying anything just to save their own asses, I wouldn't consider them friends.

Looks like he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. If I was damned either way, I'd want to do what I felt was right.

Of course, what D considers right is completely up to him.

Lumpy
05-04-2009, 09:42 AM
I agree w/ Luv.

FAX
05-04-2009, 09:46 AM
Peeps do bad stuff to themselves all the time, Mr. Direckshun. You can't get involved in every situation, all the time. Although I bow to your desire to be a good friend, I think this is a personal matter between two peeps and you should allow it to work itself out on its own.

Meanwhile, since you feel as you do, I wouldn't spend time with the cheater guy. I'd write him off. A man who cheats on his woman is a turd extraordinaire and undeserving of friends like you.

FAX

Jilly
05-04-2009, 09:56 AM
Can I ask if you have a personal interest in this girl?

DeezNutz
05-04-2009, 09:58 AM
Can I ask if you have a personal interest in this girl?

http://thatswhatsuponline.com/images/funny-dog-pictures-psychiatrist-pug.jpg

Jilly
05-04-2009, 10:00 AM
http://thatswhatsuponline.com/images/funny-dog-pictures-psychiatrist-pug.jpg

ROFL What can I say? It's my nature. Imagine being friends with me....it would so piss you off.

DeezNutz
05-04-2009, 10:03 AM
ROFL What can I say? It's my nature. Imagine being friends with me....it would so piss you off.

Nah. It's cool.

And considering that he's asking the exact same question, worded slightly differently, a couple of weeks later, the question is warranted.

My guess: he's gots a secret that he's having a tough time keeping.

"Imagine being friends..."???!!! Shocked I say, shocked. Imagine my surprise at this depressing news.

Mile High Mania
05-04-2009, 10:04 AM
Here's my thought on this...

And, I'm saying this because it's apparently eating at you a great deal. If you would want to know and would be unhappy with your "true friends" that knew, yet failed to tell you... then have the conversation with one of them.

If you confront the guy, there's no telling what happens... you'll definitely end the relationship and if you're ok with that, then do it.

Maybe one of the girls "in the know" should talk to his wife, but I'm not sure that is the role you need to play in this one. I think you either need to talk to the guy, or either your girlfriend or one of the other women needs to talk with her.

I've thought about this quite a bit... and if one of my very best friends were cheating on his wife, and I was good friends with both... I would very likely have a conversation with him.

It could be viewed as the total dick thing for me to do, and had this been 10 years ago when I was in my late 20s, I would likely just keep quiet and roll with it. But, now... I'd likely have a conversation with my good friend.

If it were just a guy that was friends with me and as couples we all knew each other, but we were not close... I'd stay out of it.

But, you keep asking about this... so, you have a personal conflict with the issue and while seeking advice is good, either take it and move on or do what your gut tells you to do.

Just be prepared to deal with the circumstances. Crazy things happen and who knows, maybe the wife knows and doesn't care. Sounds odd, but it happens. You're on a slippery slope... make your decision and move on.

And, yes... if my wife were cheating on me and my close buddies knew, yet didn't tell me... I'd be pissed.

Jilly
05-04-2009, 10:06 AM
Nah. It's cool.

And considering that he's asking the exact same question, worded slightly differently, a couple of weeks later, the question is warranted.

My guess: he's gots a secret that he's having a tough time keeping.

"Imagine being friends..."???!!! Shocked I say, shocked. Imagine my surprise at this depressing news.

Well...I meant RL friends. The kind that email and text and stuff. You know..... oh geez..... I made it worse.

DeezNutz
05-04-2009, 10:09 AM
Well...I meant RL friends. The kind that email and text and stuff. You know..... oh geez..... I made it worse.

Yep. There's the catch...I don't text.

Alas, we'll have to continue to kick it via the Planet. :)

Dicky McElephant
05-04-2009, 10:17 AM
Wait.....does your fiance not know what's going on?

I would stay out of it...but it sounds like you really want to do SOMETHING....so I would go talk to him and tell him that you know....and that he either needs to divorce his wife or cut the shit out.

Jilly
05-04-2009, 10:18 AM
Yep. There's the catch...I don't text.

Alas, we'll have to continue to kick it via the Planet. :)

yes, because I am NOT ABOUT to pick up the phone and actually call someone.

Katipan
05-04-2009, 10:22 AM
yes, because I am NOT ABOUT to pick up the phone and actually call someone.

It's alot harder to portray yourself as a sultry intellect when you sound like a an illiterate trucker.

At least, that's my problem.

Gonzo
05-04-2009, 10:25 AM
Dude's and idiot but pick which friend is more important to you and you have your answer.

There you go.

Frazod
05-04-2009, 10:26 AM
It's alot harder to portray yourself as a sultry intellect when you sound like a an illiterate trucker.

At least, that's my problem.

That's okay. We don't love you for your mind. :D

Mile High Mania
05-04-2009, 10:32 AM
Dude's and idiot but pick which friend is more important to you and you have your answer.

There you go.

Excellent and to the point...

Dallas Chief
05-04-2009, 10:37 AM
Stay out of it. Seriously. There is something inherently wrong with their relationship to begin with. It will work itself out eventually, sooner or later. It's best for you not to be in the middle of it.

Iowanian
05-04-2009, 10:37 AM
It sounds like you need to just have his girlfriend over for a 3 way.

Jilly
05-04-2009, 10:37 AM
That's okay. We don't love you for your mind. :D

I do.

Katipan
05-04-2009, 10:44 AM
I do.

xoxo!

Fraz has always been jealous that I got to confront a real intruder, and all he got was a refrigerator.

Frazod
05-04-2009, 10:49 AM
xoxo!

Fraz has always been jealous that I got to confront a real intruder, and all he got was a refrigerator.

LMAO

ChiefButthurt
05-04-2009, 11:14 AM
Peeps do bad stuff to themselves all the time, Mr. Direckshun. You can't get involved in every situation, all the time. Although I bow to your desire to be a good friend, I think this is a personal matter between two peeps and you should allow it to work itself out on its own.

Meanwhile, since you feel as you do, I wouldn't spend time with the cheater guy. I'd write him off. A man who cheats on his woman is a turd extraordinaire and undeserving of friends like you.

FAX


Good advice FAX.

Uncle_Ted
05-04-2009, 12:56 PM
I'll echo all the people who are advising you to stay out of it, and throw in this wrinkle: I didn't read your other thread, but in this one you said that you and others have heard about his cheating through the grapevine. You need to consider the possibility that you don't know the full story. Maybe the grapevine is wrong, or maybe he was cheating on her at one time but has since ended it (maybe they are in marriage counseling right now and don't want the world to know it), or maybe there are other circumstances involved in their marriage that you aren't privy to. Unless you walked in on him boning someone else, or he told you that he did, you don't really KNOW.

You aren't hiding info from your female friend, you are refusing to meddle in their marriage by passing along gossip about her husband's activities.

And from what I've read in this thread neither the husband nor the wife are among your closest lifelong friends ... neither are so close to you that you consider them akin to family. So IMHO you don't have any "obligation" to serve as an antenna for either of them.

eazyb81
05-04-2009, 01:12 PM
Damn dude, shit or get off the pot already.

As everyone has already said in this thread and the previous one, you should probably stay out of it unless you are prepared for the potential consequences that could come out of it. It's unlikely the girl is going to thank you, and there's a good chance she already knows or has an idea.

Not sure if I mentioned it in the previous thread, but I encountered a similar situation a couple years ago. I saw the boyfriend of my fiancee's best friend getting down with a girl at a party during alumni week at our college (grinding, kissing, etc). We were partying at my old fraternity house, and he "myseriously" disappeared for a few hours and this girl was also nowhere to be found. About 3 AM he strolled back in the house acting like nothing happened. He's one of those guys that lies about everything anyways so I didn't even bother trying to question him, just gave him kind of an "i know" look.

Anyways, my fiancee and the dude's GF were out partying with the girls that night and they came by the house to pick us both up at around 4 AM. That night I told my fiancee about what happened, and after a long discussion she decided that she should tell her friend. Well, the girl did not take it well at all, and basically told my fiancee to mind her own business. My girl backed off, and today her friend and the loser BF are married and seem to be doing okay.

The point is that you need to understand that different people will take this type of news in different ways, and some will react negatively if they are insecure and lack self esteem. Give careful consideration to whether giving your friend this info is worth potentially losing a friendship.

wild1
05-04-2009, 01:16 PM
I don't understand the "stay out" arguments. Why? Just because it's the path of least resistance?

I would be so incredibly angry with any so-called friend who was covering for my cheating spouse. You're just as bad as they are, because you're complicit in the deception. You are participating in it and helping make the day of reckoning that much more painful down the road.

At the very least someone doing that would get 5 across the eyes the next time I saw him.

bishop_74
05-04-2009, 01:24 PM
Is she in danger of contracting a disease from this douche? Is she REALLY your friend? That should answer your question.

bogey
05-04-2009, 01:24 PM
I would pull him aside and let him know that people are suspecting something is up and are talking. I would let him know that if he's not careful someone is going to spill the beans. Then I would back out. Something similar happened to me. My first wife cheated on me. I saw all the signs and chose to not believe it. When I confronted my friends, there advise was to pay attention to the signs. When I confronted her, she admitted the truth.

CoMoChief
05-04-2009, 01:30 PM
From looking at the other side of it......yes you would want someone to tell you.

But the position that YOU ARE IN NOW, its best to stay out of it. Act like you don't know anything about it.

TrebMaxx
05-04-2009, 01:31 PM
I would stay out of it. I base my suggestion on experience. My best friend from school days and beyond was cheating on his wife who also happened to be friends with the Mrs. and I. I tried to talk sense to him, tried to convince him that he had a family (2 kids) he was responsible for, blah, blah. Said some things about who he was stepping out with that I regret now, but I felt strongly I was trying to save their marriage. I was naive. Basically, it ruined our friendship. Things aren't just the same and it has been years since we have gotten together.

wild1
05-04-2009, 02:01 PM
From looking at the other side of it......yes you would want someone to tell you.

But the position that YOU ARE IN NOW, its best to stay out of it. Act like you don't know anything about it.

dishonesty is always the best policy.

Jilly
05-04-2009, 02:18 PM
I still want my question answered.....that way I can make an informed decision.

DeezNutz
05-04-2009, 02:20 PM
I still want my question answered.....that way I can make an informed decision.

Even if it were true, you're not going to get that response.

Jilly
05-04-2009, 02:21 PM
Even if it were true, you're not going to get that response.

yeah, that's prob true, but whatever is motivating him makes a big difference...imo

DeezNutz
05-04-2009, 02:22 PM
yeah, that's prob true, but whatever is motivating him makes a big difference...imo

What do you suspicion is the primary motivation?

luv
05-04-2009, 02:29 PM
I still want my question answered.....that way I can make an informed decision.

D just got engaged not too long ago. If he's trying to hook up with the wife, then he'd be a major hypocrite.

Jilly
05-04-2009, 02:36 PM
What do you suspicion is the primary motivation?

Well, apparently he is engaged....so apparently that rules that out...apparently.

Soooo.....heretofore, my answer would then be.... talk to your f-in friend, dude and ask him why he's cheating.

Coogs
05-04-2009, 02:52 PM
If you have to confront him about it, do it suttely. Have a guys day out. Golfing or something. Something where there are good looking gals and beer around. A setting that will allow some good old "man talk" like "check that gal out. Damn... she's fine. I'd like to jump her... how about you?" Let it lead into some other gals from you two guys past. And when you get to the particular gal in question, say "Oh man... how about ______? I would love to jump her."

You will probably know from his response weather to pursue the matter, or move on to another gal. And have another gal in mind in case you need to advance the conversation quickly.

And who knows, maybe even a week or two later, he may confide in you about the situation. But be patient... and let him bring the situation to the forefront after you have led him there. Play stupid if he goes there... whenever that may be.

And if he never goes there... follow the other peoples advise and do not confront him/or her with the news.

Jilly
05-04-2009, 02:55 PM
If you have to confront him about it, do it suttely. Have a guys day out. Golfing or something. Something where there are good looking gals and beer around. A setting that will allow some good old "man talk" like "check that gal out. Damn... she's fine. I'd like to jump her... how about you?" Let it lead into some other gals from you two guys past. And when you get to the particular gal in question, say "Oh man... how about ______? I would love to jump her."

You will probably know from his response weather to pursue the matter, or move on to another gal. And have another gal in mind in case you need to advance the conversation quickly.

And who knows, maybe even a week or two later, he may confide in you about the situation. But be patient... and let him bring the situation to the forefront after you have led him there. Play stupid if he goes there... whenever that may be.

And if he never goes there... follow the other peoples advise and do not confront him/or her with the news.

Why can't he ask just straight out? "dude, why the hell are you fucking another chick?"

DeezNutz
05-04-2009, 02:55 PM
If you have to confront him about it, do it suttely. Have a guys day out. Golfing or something. Something where there are good looking gals and beer around. A setting that will allow some good old "man talk" like "check that gal out. Damn... she's fine. I'd like to jump her... how about you?" Let it lead into some other gals from you two guys past. And when you get to the particular gal in question, say "Oh man... how about ______? I would love to jump her."


Why do you want to rob all these women? That just doesn't seem right...

Fat Elvis
05-04-2009, 02:57 PM
The point is that you need to understand that different people will take this type of news in different ways, and some will react negatively if they are insecure and lack self esteem. Give careful consideration to whether giving your friend this info is worth potentially losing a friendship.

Any friendship that doesn't have honesty as the foundation really isn't much of a friendship in my book. Some folks like having a large quantity of friends; myself, I prefer quality.

Coogs
05-04-2009, 03:01 PM
Why can't he ask just straight out? "dude, why the hell are you fucking another chick?"


Or you could do this! :shrug:

Personally I would stay out of it.

eazyb81
05-04-2009, 03:05 PM
Any friendship that doesn't have honesty as the foundation really isn't much of a friendship in my book. Some folks like having a large quantity of friends; myself, I prefer quality.

It really has nothing to do with honesty though. People are insecure about different things.

Also, where do you draw the line on giving your opinion or butting into things? Would you tell a friend his car is ugly, his job is crap, or he's a bad parent? Most of those topics are subjective and people will react in different ways.

One person may be extremely grateful for a friend to tell them that they think their spouse is cheating, while another may be pissed and tell them to mind their own business. Neither reaction is necessarily wrong or dishonest.

FAX
05-04-2009, 03:31 PM
Why can't he ask just straight out? "dude, why the hell are you ****ing another chick?"

That would be my approach, Ms. Jilly. Although the question is somewhat rhetorical, at least the basic idea is consistent with how I would confront him.

As I said earlier, however, I wouldn't do it, though. I'd let the bastard hang himself because he'll be caught out sooner or later and the only thing that Mr. Direckshun would accomplish is walking headlong into a sh*tstorm and those are bad especially when it's cold because freezing sh*t falling hundreds of miles from the sky can sting like a mother if it catches you in the right spot.

One idea I had was to write an unsigned letter to the girl detailing the bastard's infidelities. That keeps Mr. Direckshun out of the hot seat and solves the problem. Kind of like an anonymous donation to a good cause.

FAX

Jilly
05-04-2009, 03:39 PM
Yeah, but I kinda think....better to have the conversation with him. Maybe this is an unhealthy behavior pattern and he needs a friend to help him decide where his commitment is. Maybe he's stuck in his marriage and needs someone to get him to the place of....either committing to making it work or getting a divorce and a friend should be who does this. Or maybe he just screws around on whoever and always has....and a friend should be the one to hold him accountable to his actions. I think a good friend, while they disagree with what you are doing, will still be able to lead someone to be a better person by simply being a friend, rather then causing drama behind his supposed "friend" 's back.

Iowanian
05-04-2009, 03:45 PM
You should probably just ignore it, until he drinks too much Zima at your next "Connect 4" couples tournament and tries to give your girlfriend the fonze.


Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.

dirk digler
05-04-2009, 03:54 PM
As I said in your other thread if he is a close friend talk to him and let him know people know and his woman is going to find out eventually and it won't end well. Or stay out of it just don't go run to the girl that is just being a rat.

Mile High Mania
05-04-2009, 04:29 PM
Someone earlier made a good point...

Is it confirmed that he's a cheating bastard or just a really good rumor that everyone believes to be true. Confirm that before you consider doing anything.

If this is a situation that involves 'casual friends', meaning they're not so close to you that you consider them family... stay out of it.

If this is a situation that involves a friend that is like a brother to you, tread lightly... as mentioned, you don't know what is going on behind closed doors. And, despite your good intentions... it could blow up in your face. Be prepared.

But, most importantly... make up your mind and either say something or just sit on it and deal with it.

38yrsfan
05-04-2009, 05:24 PM
Just ask him how long he thinks it will be a "secret" since so many know already. Who knows the wheels might actually align so that the lightbulb is illumiated.

Chiefless
05-04-2009, 05:29 PM
Matter of fact, if your advice is to "stay out of it," I want you to answer this question:

Would you prefer your friends NOT to tell you if they knew your significant other was cheating on you?

Stay out of it. and to answer your question, I would not want to find out ever. I especially would not want to find out from anyone other than my wife. Nothing good can come from blowing this thing up.

KcFanInGA
05-04-2009, 05:40 PM
Talk to him. Trust me, something is going on with him internally if he is acting out with sexual and/or risky behavior. Maybe you can help. Maybe not. Just how I would approach it, so take it with a grain of salt, as they say. Good luck.

Uncle_Ted
05-05-2009, 08:26 PM
I don't understand the "stay out" arguments. Why? Just because it's the path of least resistance?

I would be so incredibly angry with any so-called friend who was covering for my cheating spouse. You're just as bad as they are, because you're complicit in the deception. You are participating in it and helping make the day of reckoning that much more painful down the road.

At the very least someone doing that would get 5 across the eyes the next time I saw him.

Sometimes the path of least resistance is the easiest thing to do because it's also the right thing to do o:-)

But I don't think that applies here. For me it boils down to this: you would be interjecting yourself into the most important aspects of these people's lives, when your interest is only tangential at best. Who the hell are you to do that? Just because you think the husband is wrong (and he is) doesn't give you the right to play God with their lives. Doing what you think is "right" isn't always necessarily the "right" thing to do.

As for being complicit in his cheating by not blabbing, that is ridiculous. There's a massive swath of gray area between not passing on an unsubstantiated rumor and actively lying to the wife to cover for him.

Direckshun
05-05-2009, 09:01 PM
You should probably just ignore it, until he drinks too much Zima at your next "Connect 4" couples tournament and tries to give your girlfriend the fonze.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.

ROFLROFLROFL

Just Passin' By
05-05-2009, 09:17 PM
My apologies if this has been mentioned already, but have you thought about sending an anonymous letter to the woman? You seem to want to tell the woman while avoiding unpleasant results for yourself and your fiancee. That might be the solution. It's not the heroic way to go about it, but it is an option.

Fairplay
05-05-2009, 09:32 PM
Personal advice my butt.

You will do what you want to do anyway in the end.

JOhn
05-05-2009, 09:32 PM
As someone who was cheated on..... I WISH my friends that knew had had the balls to tell me. The one person who did come forward and tell me, was an employee of mine who felt he owed it to me as he had that happen to him.

fwiw