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KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 07:14 PM
Anyone been there? It's a site dedicated to drunken texting. People submit funny texts that they've received. A few examples...


(602): Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.

(212): I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..

(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

(312): She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Mr. Flopnuts
05-20-2009, 07:16 PM
wa wa, wa wa wa wa

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 07:18 PM
You can search by area code too...

816, 913 for example

luv
05-20-2009, 07:19 PM
(515): took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru


Been there....lol.

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 07:21 PM
(216): when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
(1-216): damn...impressive bar tab
(216): no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer

luv
05-20-2009, 07:22 PM
The three from my area code.


(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he's deaf.


(417): No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.


(417): Whiskey dick.
(810): Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
(417): Everyday of my life.

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 07:23 PM
The three from my area code.


(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he's deaf.
LMAOLMAO

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 07:26 PM
(206): I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
(253): Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.

stevieray
05-20-2009, 07:27 PM
If you are one of those who text whilst you drive. I really have a burning dislike for you.

kthx

ChiefJustice
05-20-2009, 07:29 PM
(610): can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
(1-610): who is canola oil?
(610): you're an idiot.

chasedude
05-20-2009, 07:29 PM
(509): woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach

WTF???

luv
05-20-2009, 07:31 PM
(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

kstater
05-20-2009, 07:31 PM
ROFL

(erased to protect the innocent)Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 07:32 PM
Beware those Kansas girls... :eek:

(913): I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

ChiefJustice
05-20-2009, 07:33 PM
(636): Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.

bevischief
05-20-2009, 07:38 PM
(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

ROFLROFL

Mecca
05-20-2009, 07:39 PM
(816): His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court

Mecca
05-20-2009, 07:39 PM
(816): She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 07:40 PM
Woot, Chiefs related...

(913): Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
(1-913): You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.

Mecca
05-20-2009, 07:40 PM
(816): In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance

Mecca
05-20-2009, 07:40 PM
(816): Are you guys doing anything tonight?
(859): Krysta

Mecca
05-20-2009, 07:40 PM
(816): I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.

luv
05-20-2009, 07:41 PM
The worst night ones are friggin' hilarious!


(612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

(763): I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off

(502): Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

(612): I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?

(507): I want your puppy
(507): I meant pussy
(612): I would rather you take my puppy

Mecca
05-20-2009, 07:47 PM
(410): Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(

Mecca
05-20-2009, 07:51 PM
(570): She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 07:53 PM
(603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

Ari Chi3fs
05-20-2009, 07:53 PM
If you are one of those who text whilst you drive. I really have a burning dislike for you.

kthx

What about tweeting while driving?

Mecca
05-20-2009, 07:53 PM
(405): Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
(918): You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
(405): I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

KCChiefsMan
05-20-2009, 07:57 PM
(323): You got in a fight last night?
(818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
(323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 07:57 PM
(305): my head looks like a cockatoo
(1-305): mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom

luv
05-20-2009, 07:57 PM
(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that

(617): I would do horrible things to your vagina.
(978): Prove it.

(925): i think i just met the girl of my dreams. someone made a serious statement about rape and she said "pish posh, i love surprise sex"

Mecca
05-20-2009, 07:58 PM
(908): well that was a long night...
(609): dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
(908): no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on

Mecca
05-20-2009, 07:59 PM
(925): is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 07:59 PM
(678): He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
(770): I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."

luv
05-20-2009, 08:00 PM
Nice site. Always good to laugh.

DaKCMan AP
05-20-2009, 08:00 PM
A friend of mine sent this reply text to a girl the morning after a night at the bars: "I want to bang you to death."

luv
05-20-2009, 08:01 PM
(907): I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.

Sure-Oz
05-20-2009, 08:02 PM
I like the charlie brown one haha

Mecca
05-20-2009, 08:09 PM
(804): omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
(804): He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 09:53 PM
(252): We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?

mikeyis4dcats.
05-20-2009, 10:11 PM
wow...people have nothing better to do than send fake texts to a website?

Mr. Plow
05-20-2009, 10:18 PM
(202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
(703): It's the American dream

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 10:20 PM
(917): apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'

Mr. Plow
05-20-2009, 10:22 PM
LOL



(509): woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 10:24 PM
(206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

Spicy McHaggis
05-20-2009, 10:25 PM
(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

I had this happen. Well, the farting part. The girl I was with farted in her sleep while I was watching ESPN. She was a pretty petite woman and the volume of the fart really startled me. It was basically like a chihuahua had the bark of a bull mastiff.

KcMizzou
05-20-2009, 10:26 PM
I had this happen. Well, the farting part. The girl I was with farted in her sleep while I was watching ESPN. She was a pretty petite woman and the volume of the fart really startled me. It was basically like a chihuahua had the bark of a bull mastiff.LMAO

You know they do it... but you never actually hear it..

OnTheWarpath58
09-18-2009, 02:31 PM
They actually have an app for the iPhone now.

Some of my faves:

(347) I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.


(970) I locked my keys in my car in front of Planned Parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hanger.
(303) Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.


(617) I would really appreciate it if you would quit texting my girlfriend.
(508) I would really appreciate it if you would quit cockblocking me.


(607) Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese fire drill. Good day.


(720) Turns out Discover Card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card must have been stolen.

Pestilence
09-18-2009, 02:38 PM
(202): did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...

Pestilence
09-18-2009, 02:40 PM
LMAO

(780): we were walking to gf's house when i pointed out the garden gnomes on the neighbours lawn, they heard me and gave me crap. turns out 2 midgets moved in next to her place

Bearcat
09-18-2009, 02:41 PM
(603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

(202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
(703): It's the American dream

LMAO LMAO LMAO


(970) I locked my keys in my car in front of Planned Parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hanger.


Doesn't even need the reply. ROFLLMAO

Dave Lane
09-18-2009, 02:44 PM
If you are one of those who text whilst you drive. I really have a burning dislike for you.

kthx

Is it double now?

Mr. Plow
09-18-2009, 02:46 PM
(617) I would really appreciate it if you would quit texting my girlfriend.
(508) I would really appreciate it if you would quit cockblocking me.


I've heard this exact conversation between 2 of my friends. LOL.

sedated
09-18-2009, 02:49 PM
one of my sent texts from last night:

Fvulut

OnTheWarpath58
09-18-2009, 03:00 PM
(314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.


(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom

bevischief
09-18-2009, 03:06 PM
(214): A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all

(864): b@#$% asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex

bevischief
09-18-2009, 03:07 PM
818): This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her v@#@# looks like Stargate.

bevischief
09-18-2009, 03:08 PM
(414): filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.

JASONSAUTO
09-18-2009, 03:10 PM
Woot, Chiefs related...

(913): Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
(1-913): You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.

wonder how long that was ago, my buddy moved just outside of amsterdam a couple of months ago

BY1401
09-18-2009, 03:12 PM
(812): Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
(219): I have so much to learn from you, wise slut

Baby Lee
09-18-2009, 03:17 PM
(314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
O. Henry wept.

Dayze
09-18-2009, 03:17 PM
(405): Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
(918): You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
(405): I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

LMAOLMAO

Sofa King
09-18-2009, 03:22 PM
oh no...

(206): She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
(360): At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats


(212): btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up


(516): It was kind of weird
(857): What did your mom walk in?
(516): She flung her tampon across the room.

AHHHH!!!!




705): i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole

Baby Lee
09-18-2009, 03:25 PM
(636): So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

(312): Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.

(917): Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

BY1401
09-18-2009, 03:28 PM
(812): If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

BY1401
09-18-2009, 03:35 PM
(615): In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.

(502): I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

(502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I ****punch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
(973): I'm moving there. Get me hired.

Bearcat
09-18-2009, 03:42 PM
(949): I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. F***in potheads.

OnTheWarpath58
09-18-2009, 03:42 PM
(949): I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. F***in potheads.

LMAO

OnTheWarpath58
09-18-2009, 03:44 PM
(773): Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
(773): You spelled "worthless" wrong.

Over-Head
09-18-2009, 03:45 PM
(775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

ROFLROFLROFL:doh!:ROFL

OnTheWarpath58
09-18-2009, 03:48 PM
(617): anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj

BY1401
09-18-2009, 03:51 PM
(317): Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

BY1401
09-18-2009, 03:57 PM
(317): I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

Baby Lee
09-18-2009, 03:58 PM
(718): he told me my vagina needed a tic tac

Fish
09-18-2009, 04:16 PM
(402): You love popeyes more than me
(1-402): does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

LTL
09-18-2009, 04:23 PM
(571): he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time

Fish
09-18-2009, 04:25 PM
(262): Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks

(704): I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.

(302): I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.


(931): How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??

sedated
09-18-2009, 05:52 PM
(970): 3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.

sedated
09-18-2009, 05:53 PM
(910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

sedated
09-18-2009, 05:53 PM
(603): Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.

sedated
09-18-2009, 05:55 PM
(201): my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.

sedated
09-18-2009, 05:56 PM
(250): I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA

sedated
09-18-2009, 05:57 PM
so fukn true:

(319): went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.

sedated
09-18-2009, 05:57 PM
ROFL

(214): yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning

sedated
09-18-2009, 05:58 PM
(734): Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?

sedated
09-18-2009, 05:59 PM
(780): Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.

sedated
09-18-2009, 06:00 PM
(404): There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.

sedated
09-18-2009, 06:05 PM
(503): like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be

sedated
09-18-2009, 06:06 PM
(631): So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone

sedated
09-18-2009, 06:14 PM
(208): Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.

sedated
09-18-2009, 06:25 PM
(410): 9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season

sedated
09-18-2009, 06:35 PM
(601): hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?

sedated
09-18-2009, 06:56 PM
(847): So did the night end well for you?
(248): I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text

Mecca
09-18-2009, 06:59 PM
That site and the FML sites are pretty solid.

sedated
09-18-2009, 07:09 PM
(917): so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

sedated
09-18-2009, 07:15 PM
(404): I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.

Sanka
09-18-2009, 07:22 PM
(917): so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
That is what I call wifey material.

Real or fake, this shit is fucking hilarious.

aturnis
09-18-2009, 09:06 PM
(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

JohninGpt
09-18-2009, 09:22 PM
(601): hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?

601 is all of Mississippi except the more modern and cosmopolitan (all things being relative) Gulf Coast. I'm thinking the brother probably used them on the sister anyway.

BY1401
09-25-2009, 03:45 PM
(402): The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.

CoMoChief
09-25-2009, 04:40 PM
(317): Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the ****ing snow.

FINE!!! I fucking will!!!!

CoMoChief
09-25-2009, 04:41 PM
(917): so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

Im in love :D:clap:

Great Expectations
01-14-2010, 02:48 PM
(207): Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....


(617): I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

CoMoChief
01-14-2010, 02:50 PM
(404): I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.

ROFL

Halfcan
01-14-2010, 03:04 PM
(207): Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....


(617): I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

ROFL

Mr. Laz
01-14-2010, 04:01 PM
(206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves BrianROFLROFL

Mr. Laz
01-14-2010, 04:04 PM
(404): I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.omg ... been there, done that.

Pestilence
01-14-2010, 04:09 PM
(541):
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

kepp
01-14-2010, 04:18 PM
(541):
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

ROFLROFL

luv
01-14-2010, 04:48 PM
417 is kind of dull. Best recent ones I could find...

(417):

i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...

---

(417):

So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.

---

(417):

on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.

---

(417):

You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"

kstater
01-14-2010, 04:58 PM
(530): (http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/Texts-From-Areacode-530.html)

He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me. (http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-12754.html)

BigRedChief
01-14-2010, 05:06 PM
texting while intoxicated is a good site too

bevischief
01-14-2010, 06:05 PM
texting while intoxicated is a good site too

So is this place...:D