PDA

View Full Version : Funny Stuff Nocturnal Transmission.


Raised On Riots
07-17-2009, 01:10 AM
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o´clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door....
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o´clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It is three o´clock in The morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Can´t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and
those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and You should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out Into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

Rules that seem to apply! Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can´t baptize cats.
2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don´t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don´t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don´t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can´t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don´t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you´re sad is Grandpa´s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don´t hurt.
3. Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today´s mighty oak is just yesterday´s nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It´s like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you´re down there.
4. You´re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It´s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it´s a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don´t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . ... having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants

New reality show
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows,
Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso , Midland , Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas .

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

"I'm Gay,"

"I Love the Dixie Chicks,"

"Boycott Beef,"

"I Voted for Obama,"

"George Strait Sucks,"

"Hillary in 2012" and

"I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Baby Lee
07-17-2009, 06:39 AM
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2syY12OPkwI&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2syY12OPkwI&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Raised On Riots
07-17-2009, 06:44 PM
<object height="344" width="425">


<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2syY12OPkwI&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" height="344" width="425"></object>

ROFL God, that would suck.

Halfcan
07-17-2009, 08:51 PM
nice list

Chaunceythe3rd
07-17-2009, 09:11 PM
[QUOTE=Raised On Riots;5906940]A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o´clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door....
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,.................................................................QUOTE]

Is this the definition of a "Redneck"?

Ceej
07-17-2009, 09:13 PM
No mention of Matt Cassel in this thread? WHAT THE FFFFFF...

Raised On Riots
07-17-2009, 09:20 PM
No mention of Matt Cassel in this thread? WHAT THE FFFFFF...

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_2Gh_jKNFuSw/Rbw3tg0IhOI/AAAAAAAAA3g/nWTD6Gv8FSw/s400/best_doormat_cs.jpg
http://www.music.ed.ac.uk/Research/imhsd/Workshop2007/images/HerstmonceuxCastle.jpg

:shrug:

Ceej
07-17-2009, 09:21 PM
Works for me.

However, that better be a moat in the background -- not an ocean or lake.


Castles aren't castles without a moat.

Raised On Riots
07-17-2009, 09:24 PM
Works for me.

However, that better be a moat in the background -- not an ocean or lake.


Castles aren't castles without a moat.

Ahem...

Ceej
07-17-2009, 09:25 PM
That's a damn fine looking castle.

+1 cool point for you. Your running total is now -- 1. :)

Raised On Riots
07-17-2009, 09:34 PM
That's a damn fine looking castle.

+1 cool point for you. Your running total is now -- 1. :)

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!:D

RJ
07-17-2009, 09:50 PM
God help me, I laughed my ass off at that joke.

Raised On Riots
07-17-2009, 09:52 PM
God help me, I laughed my ass off at that joke.

It may take months, but I eventually get everyone at least once.:D