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View Full Version : General Politics Rush Limbaugh - I Don't Even Want To Be Alive Anymore


Count Zarth
01-25-2010, 04:15 PM
Hahaha. Oh my god.

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/i_dont_even_want_to_be_alive


I know there are a lot of people out there who are upset about some of the things I've been saying on my radio program lately. My comments about the situation in Haiti have hurt and angered many Americans who genuinely care about the plight of the Haitian people, and that hurt and anger will likely never go away. Many of you are probably wondering, "What would compel a human being to say things like that?" Well, here's your answer: I am a very bad person. And, to tell you the truth, I don't really want to be alive anymore.

Try to look at it from my point of view. I have no reason to live. In my 59 years, I've made millions of dollars, built a veritable media empire, and accomplished virtually everything that a man of my limited imagination and worldview could possibly accomplish. And yet, at this point, in no way could you refer to what I'm doing as "living," exactly. I just sort of exist. I derive no real pleasure from life. Oh, sure, I talk a big game about what a golf nut I am and how much I enjoy the taste of a fine cigar, but it's all horseshit. Complete and utter horseshit.

I don't enjoy that stuff. I don't enjoy anything. I don't even want to be here. The sadness and regret I feel every waking hour of my life is absolutely unbearable. I am a miserable pig and I do not want to exist.

The irony is that, even if I did die, the hell I would surely be sent to could not possibly be any worse than the bottomless pool of excrement I already paddle around in like some demented, shit-covered walrus. In fact, every time I hear my voice coming through the headphones I nearly gag, and I think, "What the fuck am I doing?" Why would I say that Michael J. Fox is faking his Parkinson's symptoms? Why would I find it funny to play a song called "Barack the Magic Negro"? Why would I tell people not to give aid to Haiti?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I live in constant terror and that terror informs my every word, thought, and action.

See, the thing is, I honestly cannot control the bilious hatred and filth that oozes out of my mouth. I want to—believe me, I want to—but I can't. And every time I speak, a tiny voice inside my head is screaming, "Stop talking, you stupid, insensitive prick. JUST STOP FUCKING TALKING. All you do is spread hate and fear, and the world would be a better place without you, you worthless, amoral, cocksucking fuckface."

What I should really do is just commit suicide. I have this little Sunday ritual I started around the time I publicly compared the torture at Abu Ghraib to a fraternity prank, where I climb into my Jacuzzi and put a gun in my mouth. But I can never work up the guts to pull the trigger. A few times I came close to overdosing on prescription pain pills, but my goddamn doctors were always there to save me. If I had any sense, I would just hole myself up in a Red Roof Inn with a case of Jack Daniel's and slowly drink myself into the gaping maw of death itself.

But what can I say? I guess I'm just too much of a fat fucking pussy to follow through.

You know what? I wish someone would just kill me. I'm serious. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Oh my God, how can you say such a thing? You can't print that in a newspaper!" But see, I don't care anymore. I've cried my tears. I've battled my demons, and I've lost. It's over. It's all over. The only thing left for me to do now is just go away. Have I even once contributed a single ounce of good to humanity? Put me out of my misery. I wouldn't make a fuss. I wouldn't even humiliate myself by saying goodbye. For the first time in my odious, pitiful life, I'd accept my fate with quiet dignity.

Then I wouldn't have to live with my wretched, wretched self. Oh, the release.

I've imagined my death a thousand times over, and it's always the same. In my mind's eye, a serene setting comes into view. I see a funeral procession driving down some small-town Main Street in Nowheresville, U.S.A. On one side of the street, a collection of sycophants and morons are paying their respects in subliterate, sanctimonious tones. Meanwhile, on the other side of the street, I can just make out the faint image of a young boy, his brow furrowed in confusion, clutching the hand of his father. "Who is that man, Daddy?" he asks as the hearse containing my bloated, lifeless body rolls by. "Who is that person they speak of?" The father will then lower his head and say, "There, my son, go the remains of Rush Hudson Limbaugh, the most abominable lump of festering dog shit in the history of American broadcasting. May the likes of him never again soil or tarnish the greatness of our fair country."

Please forgive me, everyone. I am so sorry.

fan4ever
01-25-2010, 04:23 PM
This is the kind of clever writing you can usually only find in junior high.

Dr. Van Halen
01-25-2010, 04:32 PM
This is the kind of clever writing you can usually only find in junior high.

Spoken like a sophomore in high school.

Norman Einstein
01-25-2010, 05:12 PM
:BS:

Captain Obvious
01-25-2010, 05:19 PM
:BS:

The onion is still real to me, damnit!!!

Norman Einstein
01-25-2010, 05:29 PM
The onion is still real to me, damnit!!!

What ever turns you on.

wild1
01-25-2010, 05:53 PM
funny not found

abort, retry, fail?

Norman Einstein
01-25-2010, 06:59 PM
funny not found

abort, retry, fail?

I checked Snopes and sent the link in for investigation. In a few months we will most likely see the story if total BS.

Count Zarth
01-25-2010, 07:02 PM
I checked Snopes and sent the link in for investigation. In a few months we will most likely see the story if total BS.

Are you a fucking moron?

It's a parody.

patteeu
01-25-2010, 07:08 PM
At least CTTCS_WLR gave me a laugh, even if it might not have been intentional.

NewChief
01-25-2010, 07:09 PM
I checked Snopes and sent the link in for investigation. In a few months we will most likely see the story if total BS.

ROFL ROFL ROFL

fan4ever
01-25-2010, 07:15 PM
Spoken like a sophomore in high school.

Ouch; got me. Damn you're good.

fan4ever
01-25-2010, 07:16 PM
funny not found

abort, retry, fail?

Just somebody on a rant; I appreciate good satire but this was just stupid.

orange
01-25-2010, 07:23 PM
Just somebody on a rant; I appreciate good satire but this was just stupid.

It's The Onion. They pride themselves in stupid.

Norman Einstein
01-25-2010, 07:28 PM
Are you a ****ing moron?

It's a parody.Probably so, but so was the fucking moron that posted it.

wild1
01-25-2010, 08:03 PM
At least CTTCS_WLR gave me a laugh, even if it might not have been intentional.

I will admit to a guffaw upon realizing that he was serious

Count Zarth
01-25-2010, 11:15 PM
Probably so, but so was the fucking moron that posted it.

You would gladly suck Rush Limbaugh's diseased cock, wouldn't you, Tom?

Norman Einstein
01-26-2010, 03:45 AM
You would gladly suck Rush Limbaugh's diseased cock, wouldn't you, Tom?Tom, if you want to suck Limbaughs dick that is something you need to decide for yourself. I figure he would drive a spike through your head if you tried it though. Everyone says you have trouble with women, I'd bet your attempts to engage with Limbaugh would be just as sucksessful with Limbaugh. Get checked for HIV and get checked often, sounds like you're heading to the gate.

Baby Lee
01-26-2010, 04:49 AM
This is the kind of clever writing you can usually only find in junior high.

Well, when one is restricted to typing with one hand. . . .

Norman Einstein
01-26-2010, 04:55 AM
Well, when one is restricted to typing with one hand. . . . and a lobotomy. That's the story on GoChiefs as well.

InChiefsHell
01-26-2010, 05:26 AM
The Onion is usually much better than this. This is like one of those SNL skits that you really want to laugh at, really wish it was funny, but then you get to the end without even cracking a smile and kick yourself in the ass for staying up so late to waste your time on it.

fan4ever
01-26-2010, 08:13 AM
The Onion is usually much better than this. This is like one of those SNL skits that you really want to laugh at, really wish it was funny, but then you get to the end without even cracking a smile and kick yourself in the ass for staying up so late to waste your time on it.

Exactly right.

Cannibal
01-26-2010, 09:31 AM
The Onion is usually much better than this. This is like one of those SNL skits that you really want to laugh at, really wish it was funny, but then you get to the end without even cracking a smile and kick yourself in the ass for staying up so late to waste your time on it.

I can't stand Limbaugh, but I have to agree. It wasn't funny.

Radar Chief
01-26-2010, 10:03 AM
You would gladly suck Rush Limbaugh's diseased cock, wouldn't you, Tom?

That is definitely not Tom. Tom was Internet savvy enough to know what Snopes and the Onion are.