View Full Version : Funny Stuff Only A Man would do this. Pocket Tazer > Stun Gun

03-14-2010, 11:36 PM
Pocket Tazer > Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted
this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol
& Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the
tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I
bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie
what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this
new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that
bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in
my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping
Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of
it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge
of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond
description, but I'll do my best.. .? I'm sitting
there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning
that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the
DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure
Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to
'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution:
there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor.. A three second burst would be considered
conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I
can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down
and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to
know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint
smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return! P.s... My wife,
can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think
education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

P.s This has might have been posted before but its funny.

03-15-2010, 12:54 AM
Paragraphs, Motha Fucka!! Use them.


03-15-2010, 01:06 AM
Paragraphs, Motha ****a!! Use them.



03-15-2010, 08:43 AM
Don't taze me, hon.