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Pushead2
03-15-2010, 11:04 PM
I was bored and I was changing some options in Firefox when I stumbled to my history. I was reviewing some stuff in there out of boredom and right I was about to close there was something called hotmail..."conversation" I didn't know what that was since I don't have hotmail. Long story short it's an email from my gf to her best friend saying that she isn't sure of me, and doesn't share the same values, doesn't want what I want. Her best friend already hates me because I got laid off, am back in school etc. she also said she'd be dissapointed in my gf if she got engaged to me....my girlfriend kind of agreed, we've been going out 3 years and I was going to propose this September because I'll be able to afford the ring. I just don't know what to do honestly.

Buehler445
03-15-2010, 11:15 PM
Shit dude. Bad news.

Just talk to her about what she is concerned about. I wouldn't say you read the email, she'll get pissed, but find a way to talk about your relationship.

Communication is the key to any relationship.
Posted via Mobile Device

Buehler445
03-15-2010, 11:15 PM
Best of luck, BTW, sounds like you have a lot of tough decisions to make.
Posted via Mobile Device

badgirl
03-15-2010, 11:16 PM
I was bored and I was changing some options in Firefox when I stumbled to my history. I was reviewing some stuff in there out of boredom and right I was about to close there was something called hotmail..."conversation" I didn't know what that was since I don't have hotmail. Long story short it's an email from my gf to her best friend saying that she isn't sure of me, and doesn't share the same values, doesn't want what I want. Her best friend already hates me because I got laid off, am back in school etc. she also said she'd be dissapointed in my gf if she got engaged to me....my girlfriend kind of agreed, we've been going out 3 years and I was going to propose this September because I'll be able to afford the ring. I just don't know what to do honestly.

Have you sat down and discussed this with her? Maybe you guys need to talk and get it all out. If she really feels this way and she doesn't want a future with you why put anymore of your life in a relationship she's not sure about. Talk with her would be my advise and get things out in the open.

Pushead2
03-15-2010, 11:17 PM
I definitely need to talk with her....I'm just trying to do so the best way possible without this email being factored in. :(

Rain Man
03-15-2010, 11:19 PM
Is what she's saying accurate? Do you think you share the same values and want the same things? Think about it honestly, rather than what you want to be true.

chefsos
03-15-2010, 11:19 PM
Well, that's it then. Life's too short to get all screwed up over any one woman, because there are lots and lots of 'em. If you get the feeling that she's wanting you to "prove yourself" to her or, God forbid, her friends, you're already done.

But then I'm twice divorced, so don't take me too seriously.

badgirl
03-15-2010, 11:21 PM
I definitely need to talk with her....I'm just trying to do so the best way possible without this email being factored in. :(

Just be honest about it, tell her you were clearing out cookies or something like that, well whatever you were doing and noticed the conversation and opened it without knowing what it was. Her girlfriend may be having a big influence on her and making her feel confused on how she feels. Sounds like her gf is sticking her nose into something and its causing you guys trouble. She may be mad at you looking and reading her conversation, but you have the right to be more mad at the fact she hasn't been open and honest with you on her feelings. As I said she may not really feel this way it could be coming from her friends influence.

Rain Man
03-15-2010, 11:22 PM
I definitely need to talk with her....I'm just trying to do so the best way possible without this email being factored in. :(


Just ask her. Ask her if you share the same values and want the same things. That'll open the discussion. You can couch it as part of a big-picture discussion and you're curious. It doesn't need to be a negative conversation or a revelation of the e-mail.

SLAG
03-15-2010, 11:24 PM
rent you've got mail.. get her drunk.. piihb and then dump her

Baconeater
03-15-2010, 11:25 PM
Just be glad you found out before you bought the ring.

Pushead2
03-15-2010, 11:25 PM
Just ask her. Ask her if you share the same values and want the same things. That'll open the discussion. You can couch it as part of a big-picture discussion and you're curious. It doesn't need to be a negative conversation or a revelation of the e-mail.

I agree, I do want the same things and share the same values and goals in life that's what makes me shocked.... She just feels that since I go about it in a different method than what she's doing, that we don't share them really in the end.

Rain Man
03-15-2010, 11:27 PM
I agree, I do want the same things and share the same values and goals in life that's what makes me shocked.... She just feels that since I go about it in a different method than what she's doing, that we don't share them really in the end.

What are the values and goals that you think she's conflicted about?

cdcox
03-15-2010, 11:29 PM
Just ask her. Ask her if you share the same values and want the same things. That'll open the discussion. You can couch it as part of a big-picture discussion and you're curious. It doesn't need to be a negative conversation or a revelation of the e-mail.

You don't even have to "sit her down to talk about something". Just start working the dinner conversation around to what your goals are for the future and what's important to you and see where it goes.

Baconeater
03-15-2010, 11:30 PM
rent you've got mail.. get her drunk.. piihb and then dump her
Well I'm not sure about the first part, I am wary of any plan that involves watching a chick flick, but the rest of this isn't bad. It's always better to be the dumper than the dumpee, and if you can put it in the dumper before you dump her then that's definitely a bonus.

TrebMaxx
03-15-2010, 11:31 PM
Is her best friend hot? Sounds to me like she is trying to get your current girl to dump you so she can have a piece of you.

Pushead2
03-15-2010, 11:31 PM
What are the values and goals that you think she's conflicted about?

the way I act, raising children, health (I don't smoke, do drugs), I think the major problem is her mom was hard on her with comments her and there that drove her to be the same way. She grew up in OK and I grew up in NYC I think has a lot to do with it. I know most of you are from the midwest or south but growing up in NYC is different than OK. So I feel that plays a role too because she doesn't fully understand how I go about things.

Rain Man
03-15-2010, 11:32 PM
You don't even have to "sit her down to talk about something". Just start working the dinner conversation around to what your goals are for the future and what's important to you and see where it goes.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I was trying to say. Just work up to it in a normal conversation.

Pushead2
03-15-2010, 11:32 PM
I went back to school because I knew there wasn't a future for myself if I didn't. She helped me believe in that....now it sounds like her friend is turning it into he's 25 and going back to school...he's not good enough for you etc.

badgirl
03-15-2010, 11:36 PM
Yeah. Yeah. That's what I was trying to say. Just work up to it in a normal conversation.

yea good idea.

SLAG
03-15-2010, 11:36 PM
Well I'm not sure about the first part, I am wary of any plan that involves watching a chick flick, but the rest of this isn't bad. It's always better to be the dumper than the dumpee, and if you can put it in the dumper before you dump her then that's definitely a bonus.

the chick flick and the drank - guarantee you get to stick it in the stank

Rain Man
03-15-2010, 11:37 PM
the way I act, raising children, health (I don't smoke, do drugs), I think the major problem is her mom was hard on her with comments her and there that drove her to be the same way. She grew up in OK and I grew up in NYC I think has a lot to do with it. I know most of you are from the midwest or south but growing up in NYC is different than OK. So I feel that plays a role too because she doesn't fully understand how I go about things.

Yeah, I'd suspect that there are a lot of cultural differences between New York and Oklahoma. Are you both living in New York now, or Oklahoma now? It seems that if she's living in New York (based on your location in your signature thingie), then she's already decided that New York culture is fine, and she's the oddity, not you. If she's in Oklahoma, then you probably do seem a bit different from her and her friends.

Gonzo
03-15-2010, 11:38 PM
I've been married a long time man and I've just about seen it all...

This being said, an open line of communication is key in this situation. Total honesty and openness, (this includes what you saw on your computer) is the only way to find out if this is a relationship will be a lasting one.
Lumpy and I didn't have a whole lot in common, (until recently) and we've been able to overcome that. Having activities or hobbies that you both share is great but not always necessary. Being able to relate to one another and having conversations that keep you both interested in one another can prove to be much more important in the long run.
Posted via Mobile Device

Pushead2
03-15-2010, 11:38 PM
Yeah, I'd suspect that there are a lot of cultural differences between New York and Oklahoma. Are you both living in New York now, or Oklahoma now? It seems that if she's living in New York (based on your location in your signature thingie), then she's already decided that New York culture is fine, and she's the oddity, not you. If she's in Oklahoma, then you probably do seem a bit different from her and her friends.

we both live in NY

Pushead2
03-15-2010, 11:40 PM
I appreciate all the tips everyone....

morphius
03-15-2010, 11:51 PM
Just also remember that women are crazy, and that it might have just been one of those days where she felt that way. If you are doing well in school then she might have a different opinion on it now as well. No matter what though, it is a good conversation to have, probably best brought up after giving her an orgasm, lol.

QuikSsurfer
03-15-2010, 11:58 PM
Yeeeesh. Sorry man.
I'd be glad I didn't dump my cache and clear my history before stumbling across that... This would probably be a good time to put yourself in her shoes and think about how and why should would feel that way... You can't MAKE these things work but if her friend is just feeding her nonsense because she, without good reason, doesn't think you'd be a good fit for her -- and your lady is listening and starting to believe this -- forget about both of them. You're (we're) young.. A more meaningful heartbreak awaits.

Unless you're really unattractive and she's super hot... in this case, work it out and change everything about yourself to please her.

Brock
03-16-2010, 12:01 AM
Be thankful you got advance warning on what she's about to pull on you.

Norman Einstein
03-16-2010, 12:19 AM
Be thankful you got advance warning on what she's about to pull on you.

You fail at helping this guy. His gf is getting advice from someone that may have motives other than saving her friend from someone she feels isn't worthy.

Anyone taking advice from a bulletin board might deserve the kind of answers you give out.

Buck
03-16-2010, 12:49 AM
You leave first. Or at least bring it up. If she's all lik "No!" Then you are good.
Posted via Mobile Device

|Zach|
03-16-2010, 12:54 AM
Just also remember that women are crazy, and that it might have just been one of those days where she felt that way. If you are doing well in school then she might have a different opinion on it now as well. No matter what though, it is a good conversation to have, probably best brought up after giving her an orgasm, lol.

This is a good point. Sometimes people need to just vent or say things like that if they feel they are in a rut. Not that it is small.

Don't try and make it or more than it is.

Give her an honest opportunity to bring it up. Literally be like "So, how do you think we are doing?"

Sometimes it helps to just throw it out there. Nobody is perfect I know with my girlfriend I have literally said "I know [blank] is frustrating you or you are worried about [blank]"

By getting it out there you both have a chance to deal with whatever it is in an honest, open, and hopefully constructive way.

|Zach|
03-16-2010, 12:57 AM
All the best btw..

Attack this head on...give her a chance to bring up her issues and listen. If there are things you can do better then make an honest effort. But be fair to yourself.

Mr. Flopnuts
03-16-2010, 01:04 AM
Be thankful you got advance warning on what she's about to pull on you.

Yeah. Start preparing. I know it sucks, but you have to sack up and be ready to move on. The writing is on the wall. Talking about your feelings after those kinds of comments are made is just spinning your wheels. Hey, try. But be prepared to move on.

Bane
03-16-2010, 01:51 AM
:evil:

DA_T_84
03-16-2010, 02:10 AM
Don't be aggressive or defensive. Just be willing to listen, and see things from her point of view. That being said, she owes you the same courtesy. Find common ground on differing issues, or at the very least agree to disagree and get past the issue. If the issues are too divisive, then it is for the best that you address it now and call it what it is.

Feel free to stand up for yourself, and don't dismiss your feelings. That A- makes you look like a pussy and B- will drive her away faster than putting your foot down and telling her to fuck off. Stand your ground, but don't be ignorant and dismissive about her points.

Best of luck.

Also, have you looked at the date and time of the convo? Might give you a frame of reference for how she was feeling at that time.

acesn8s
03-16-2010, 02:14 AM
Set up a romantic evening. Dinner by the fireplace, champagne glasses, the finest dinnerware, candlelights, Barry White music in the background, the works. When she gets up to go to the restroom, drop the ring into one of the glasses and fill it with antifreeze and let the hilarity begin.

Pushead2
03-16-2010, 02:43 AM
Don't be aggressive or defensive. Just be willing to listen, and see things from her point of view. That being said, she owes you the same courtesy. Find common ground on differing issues, or at the very least agree to disagree and get past the issue. If the issues are too divisive, then it is for the best that you address it now and call it what it is.

Feel free to stand up for yourself, and don't dismiss your feelings. That A- makes you look like a pussy and B- will drive her away faster than putting your foot down and telling her to **** off. Stand your ground, but don't be ignorant and dismissive about her points.

Best of luck.

Also, have you looked at the date and time of the convo? Might give you a frame of reference for how she was feeling at that time.

im going to wait til tomorrow and tackle it head on but sensible. the convo was a week and a half ago.

Gracie Dean
03-16-2010, 03:45 AM
you have your answer

Fritz88
03-16-2010, 04:14 AM
move on, pools is endless with other options.

Phobia
03-16-2010, 04:32 AM
You're faced with a really difficult decision my friend. Personally, I recommend starting over. It's time consuming and hard but I've prepared a really easy tutorial for doing so:
Some Firefox issues can be resolved by downloading a new Firefox installer from Mozilla.com, then closing Firefox, deleting the Firefox application folder (program files) and reinstalling Firefox. If this does not help, or if you would rather completely remove Firefox and start over instead of completing all the troubleshooting steps, follow these steps:

Download the latest official version of Firefox from Mozilla.com.
You should avoid unofficial download sites that bundle Firefox with other software such as the Google Toolbar.
If you wish to retain your current profile, you should make a backup copy of it. See Backing up your information for instructions.
Uninstall Firefox and make sure you remove the Firefox application (program) folder and your Firefox personal data (user data and settings) - see Uninstalling Firefox for instructions.
Reinstall Firefox - see Installing Firefox for instructions.
When Firefox is started for the first time, the Import Wizard will appear and a new profile will be created.
Verify that the issue no longer appears.
If you made a backup of your old profile and wish to restore your old information, see Recovering important data from an old profile. For troubleshooting purposes, only copy the files corresponding to your bookmarks and saved passwords.
Reinstall your extensions and themes one by one to determine if any specific one is causing the issue.
Other solutions

If you've tried the above steps, including a clean reinstall, the following solutions may help to resolve your problem.

bevischief
03-16-2010, 04:44 AM
Set up a romantic evening. Dinner by the fireplace, champagne glasses, the finest dinnerware, candlelights, Barry White music in the background, the works. When she gets up to go to the restroom, drop the ring into one of the glasses and fill it with antifreeze and let the hilarity begin.

I am surprised that it took this long for antifreeze to come up...

bevischief
03-16-2010, 04:45 AM
Sorry to hear and good luck.

JD10367
03-16-2010, 09:07 AM
A relationship needs honesty and openness. Don't lie. Don't try to "bring it up". Just tell her you found the conversation accidentally. Whether or not she believes you is her problem but, frankly, if she doesn't, that's just another sign that she's not the right one for you. Besides, she's the one who has been lying by not telling you the truth about how she feels.

You said she "isn't sure of you" and "kind of agreed" with her g/f that she'd be disappointed if she got engaged to you? Do you two live together? Because, to be honest, it sounds like someone's gonna be moving out soon.

Here's the deal: it's easy for people to drift along in a relationship because they're comfortable in it, even if they don't think they like where it's going. Tell her you deserve better than a girl who's just gonna string you along until it's convenient for her to dump you and find someone else, so if she really feels that way then she should just GTFO now and let you both move on with your lives.

Big Dog
03-16-2010, 09:29 AM
First, being in my 17th year of a very happy marriage, I concur with all the posters that open and honest communication is the key. You have to be able to talk about everything, good and bad.

The other deal breaker is trust. Not, 'sure you can borrow my car' trust, but the real deal. The trust that says...yes I found this, and yes I kept reading it even though I clearly saw it was a communication between you and a friend. Because my guess is that her biggest issue will be you reading stuff she was not planning on sharing with you...she may feel betrayed. My other guess is that ultimately you read it because you don't trust her, or are insecure (not meant as an insult...I feel insecure sometimes even now). (Sure go ahead and insert the defensive, 'I don't trust her friend' here...meh. Either you trust HER or you don't. If you dont, you need to work that out together.)

Be honest with yourself and honest with her. Let her emotion run its course (you have had a lot more time to think about this than she has, and as the emotions come, you have to be 'the better man' and let them come without being too hurt, or angry, or whatever, regardless of how powerful they are) and then see if you guys can discuss the real issues....values (or mores, or ethics, or whatever you choose to call them), communication, trust, and the processes for all these things to occur together as a couple.

My 2 cents.

Iowanian
03-16-2010, 10:37 AM
You know what to do. Some people just aren't meant to be together. You can either bounce, or wait for her to start going out more with "a friend from work"...and when she dumps you and you're feeling devestated as she says "it's not you, it's me"...but you know what you read, so you know it's you.


Have a conversation about the future, but I think you'd be wise to prepare yourself that this conversation is ending in a breakup.

Be an adult about it.

Jilly
03-16-2010, 10:52 AM
In watching an episode of Winnie the Pooh or whatever it's called now. Winnie the Pooh was walking ahead of Piglet, having a conversation with Tigger and Piglet was hanging back. Pooh stopped, looked back at Piglet and said, "Piglet, are you coming?" Piglet smiled and said, "I just wanted to be sure of you."

I think this is that moment in your relationship when perhaps you're walking ahead of her and she's hanging back, checking in with herself, trying to find out if she's "sure of you." And I think this is that moment when you need to ask if she's coming or not. Are you headed in the same direction? Does she want to go where you're going? Does her path match your path?

I don't think this has anything to do with the email except that made you pause and think to ask the question if she's sure. I think you need to tell her where you're headed and ask her if she wants to go that way or not.

Iowanian
03-16-2010, 10:58 AM
You already know what she said to her friend about the prospect of getting married to you. If you buy that ring, you're a fool.

Phobia
03-16-2010, 04:02 PM
My former brother-in-law got butt-dialed by my sis-in-law about 2 weeks before their wedding. She was confiding in a friend about how she made more money than he and he was always gonna be blue collar. She wasn't sure she'd ever be happy with him. Heh.

They got married and had a kid anyway. Divorced almost as soon as the kid hit the turf. People are retarded. If your partner doesn't respect you going in, what makes you think it's going to change after you tie the knot?

patteeu
03-16-2010, 04:17 PM
I agree, I do want the same things and share the same values and goals in life that's what makes me shocked.... She just feels that since I go about it in a different method than what she's doing, that we don't share them really in the end.

Are you sure about that?

1. Do you know what your values and goals are? (I'm serious here)

2. Do you really know what hers are? A LOT of the time, one or both people in a relationship will tell the other person what they want to hear.

3. The method is pretty important, even if you share the same goals. How different are your methods? For example, if you both want to raise a family but you want your kids to share your DNA and she's set on adoption, that method is pretty important. If you both want to be secure in your retirements but you want to get there by putting your nose to the grindstone in corporate USA while she wants to try to start your own business over and over until you succeed, the method is pretty important.

patteeu
03-16-2010, 04:22 PM
I went back to school because I knew there wasn't a future for myself if I didn't. She helped me believe in that....now it sounds like her friend is turning it into he's 25 and going back to school...he's not good enough for you etc.

It can create a lot of strain if you aren't both focused on the benefits far enough in the future to accept the short term pain. If she's wanting to get going on settling into a home and having kids, for example, and she sees your schooling as an obstacle for the next few years (not to mention the tight money situation in the meantime), she may think your values and goals are different. She wouldn't be the first gal (or guy) who let their short sightedness blind them to the prospects of a better future.

sedated
03-16-2010, 04:32 PM
if you live together, hide the shit you wanna keep.

patteeu
03-16-2010, 04:33 PM
BTW, I agree with those suggesting an honest conversation about this whether you tell her about why it came up or not.

I think this is that moment in your relationship when perhaps you're walking ahead of her and she's hanging back, checking in with herself, trying to find out if she's "sure of you." And I think this is that moment when you need to ask if she's coming or not. Are you headed in the same direction? Does she want to go where you're going? Does her path match your path?

I don't think this has anything to do with the email except that made you pause and think to ask the question if she's sure. I think you need to tell her where you're headed and ask her if she wants to go that way or not.

Good advice.

Buehler445
03-17-2010, 10:26 AM
Did you talk to her?
Posted via Mobile Device

Jilly
03-17-2010, 11:52 AM
I know, how frustrating that he hasn't reported back.

milkman
03-17-2010, 01:15 PM
Unless someone here is a surgeon that can attach some balls to your scrotum area, I think your shit out of luck in finding help here.

Mr. Flopnuts
03-17-2010, 01:19 PM
In watching an episode of Winnie the Pooh or whatever it's called now. Winnie the Pooh was walking ahead of Piglet, having a conversation with Tigger and Piglet was hanging back. Pooh stopped, looked back at Piglet and said, "Piglet, are you coming?" Piglet smiled and said, "I just wanted to be sure of you."

I think this is that moment in your relationship when perhaps you're walking ahead of her and she's hanging back, checking in with herself, trying to find out if she's "sure of you." And I think this is that moment when you need to ask if she's coming or not. Are you headed in the same direction? Does she want to go where you're going? Does her path match your path?

I don't think this has anything to do with the email except that made you pause and think to ask the question if she's sure. I think you need to tell her where you're headed and ask her if she wants to go that way or not.

What a great post.

Jilly
03-17-2010, 02:42 PM
What a great post.

Every now and then I exude brilliance. Blink and you might miss it.

JD10367
03-17-2010, 05:55 PM
I hope he wasn't spotted buying rope and a shovel at the local True Value... :rolleyes:

Fire Me Boy!
03-17-2010, 07:31 PM
In watching an episode of Winnie the Pooh or whatever it's called now. Winnie the Pooh was walking ahead of Piglet, having a conversation with Tigger and Piglet was hanging back. Pooh stopped, looked back at Piglet and said, "Piglet, are you coming?" Piglet smiled and said, "I just wanted to be sure of you."

I think this is that moment in your relationship when perhaps you're walking ahead of her and she's hanging back, checking in with herself, trying to find out if she's "sure of you." And I think this is that moment when you need to ask if she's coming or not. Are you headed in the same direction? Does she want to go where you're going? Does her path match your path?

I don't think this has anything to do with the email except that made you pause and think to ask the question if she's sure. I think you need to tell her where you're headed and ask her if she wants to go that way or not.

You're suggesting he take advice from poo. :shake:



Actually, this is a very good post. You're back on my good list after the disparaging remarks you made about Nicole Kidman. See - you didn't even KNOW you were on my shit list, that's how bad it was. :D

TrebMaxx
03-17-2010, 07:37 PM
I'm disappointed that no one has suggested a threesome to get all parties involved on the same path.

BWillie
03-17-2010, 07:40 PM
I was bored and I was changing some options in Firefox when I stumbled to my history. I was reviewing some stuff in there out of boredom and right I was about to close there was something called hotmail..."conversation" I didn't know what that was since I don't have hotmail. Long story short it's an email from my gf to her best friend saying that she isn't sure of me, and doesn't share the same values, doesn't want what I want. Her best friend already hates me because I got laid off, am back in school etc. she also said she'd be dissapointed in my gf if she got engaged to me....my girlfriend kind of agreed, we've been going out 3 years and I was going to propose this September because I'll be able to afford the ring. I just don't know what to do honestly.

Cheat on her w/ someone hotter, or her sister. Leave the video in her VCR. Hilarity ensues.