PDA

View Full Version : Life An in-law question


Rain Man
04-19-2010, 06:18 PM
Hey, you! Married people!

Do you have in-laws in town?

And if so, what do you do to keep the selfish, thoughtless b*****s from destroying your life?

A very, very, very good friend of mine lived a wonderful life when his in-laws lived 500 miles away. Rainbows, butterflies, an occasional unicorn meandering up to drink from sylvan lakes, all that stuff.

But then the call came.

His retired in-laws, without consultation or invitation, decided to move 500 miles to his town "to be near their daughter". Since then, his life has devolved into a hellish nightmare of sitting in their house all day on every single holiday - every single holiday! - listening to the most agonizing minutiae on their latest restaurant visit or grout work or visit to the Cost Plus World Market. In an eight-hour visit he'll say three sentences, two of which are interrupted, and he can't even think about football because they're right there chattering across the table. His precious life is being sucked from him one farm anecdote at a time.

And of course his wife enjoys being the "good daughter" that they "picked" over the other siblings, so she revels in their presence, and would never ever tell them no, and is far more familiar than a married woman should be with her parents. And now that they've realized that, they're on a quest to get their daughter back, and screw the son-in-law. My very, very, very good friend can't even take his wife out on her birthday any more because eight weeks ahead of time they call her and make reservations to take her out. Birthdays, Valentine's, Christmas, Thanksgiving, you name it, they've monopolized it with a visit or invitation. In fact, they're taking "their daughter" on a three-day road trip on Memorial Day and didn't invite the son-in-law since it's a "family trip", and actually it's probably a good thing since the son-in-law would drive the car into a bridge abutment after four hours in the car with them, but at the same time it's not cool to not invite the son-in-law. And the wife isn't complaining since she's devolving into their 17 year-old daughter and likes the trip down nostalgia lane.

My very, very good friend is convinced that these people are doing major damage to his marriage for this and other reasons, and that it's probably unintentional but at the same time there's some other stuff going on that makes it feel more like it's becoming a three-on-one deal rather than the two-on-two interactions back in the old days when he drove in with a suitcase once a year. It's headed in the wrong direction and getting worse by the day.

Anyone else been in this situation? How do you get your life back and your wife back from this situation? It would appear that a showdown is in order, but honestly that's a no-win situation for anybody, especially when it's one on three.

pr_capone
04-19-2010, 06:26 PM
My In-Laws dote over their daughter and are quite fond of me. That said, they understand that as much as I like them that I will not attend every last family gathering there is. It is a huge plus having a wife who is willing to tell them that I will not be coming to any particular event I choose not to attend and they are more than ok with that.

At this point, your buddy should have the same discussion I had with my ol'lady and let her know that she needs to be willing to run some interference for me because I have no interest in spending every waking moment with her family. She understood that and we have had a wonderful relationship because of it.

Chief Chief
04-19-2010, 06:27 PM
It gets worse: When your very, very good friend makes love to his spouse after she has completely devolved, he'll get 10 to 12 for statutory rape and become Bubba's babe.

Consistent1
04-19-2010, 06:27 PM
Hide the bodies very well.Don't take any chances there, and spare no expense.Not the place to save a few bucks or take the easy way. We have all seen those CSI shows. Good luck to your friend!
Posted via Mobile Device

rad
04-19-2010, 06:30 PM
This "very, very, very good friend" of yours..............is you. Isn't it?

DaFace
04-19-2010, 06:31 PM
I live within less than a quarter mile of my in-laws' place, so I definitely know the feeling. We end up there for most holidays and often on other weekends just to hang out with the family. I generally get along with her family pretty well, though, so it's not a huge deal.

That said, it's definitely important to me that they not EXPECT me to be there every single time. There have been many days where my wife has wanted to go over there, and I've stayed home. And not with a lame excuse either - I just say that I'd rather not go that day. Thus far, it hasn't been a big deal. They know that they can be a bit over-the-top and that I sometimes need time to myself. I think that's the most important part.

Rain Man
04-19-2010, 06:33 PM
This "very, very, very good friend" of yours..............is you. Isn't it?

It's DaFace.

(Eyes shifting rapidly left and right).

Ralphy Boy
04-19-2010, 06:36 PM
How have you not said something before now? Man up you pussy.

KC Jones
04-19-2010, 06:37 PM
I haven't had things get anywhere near that bad, but have had some experience with such issues. Your friend needs to talk to his wife about it. Oh, and any chance your friend can adopt a pet the in-laws are allergic too?

DaFace
04-19-2010, 06:38 PM
It's DaFace.

(Eyes shifting rapidly left and right).

YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T TELL ANYONE!!! :cuss::cuss::cuss:

Rain Man
04-19-2010, 06:40 PM
I haven't had things get anywhere near that bad, but have had some experience with such issues. Your friend needs to talk to his wife about it. Oh, and any chance your friend can adopt a pet the in-laws are allergic too?

My very, very good friend used to bring his cat to their place so he'd at least have some company during the vacuous droning, but the in-laws eventually said no to that.

If I got a mountain lion and didn't tell them....no, can't go there.

Ari Chi3fs
04-19-2010, 06:40 PM
The solution is simple. PIIYMILB.

Rain Man
04-19-2010, 06:44 PM
I hate this. I absolutely hate this. There's a freaking reason why I live 500 miles away from anybody who remotely shares my DNA. I have nothing against family and there's nothing better than a caring and loving family that lives 500 miles away. But I despise the obligation of visiting and the loss of my precious few days off and the guilt and the "why don't you visit more often" whining. And there are people that like it? And I married one of them? What was I thinking?

Ralphy Boy
04-19-2010, 06:47 PM
How long have you been married? After 15 years, my in-laws basically know I'm an asshole, so they don't talk to me much.

My wife likes to have family get togethers at our house, I'm fine with it, she invites my side and hers. Last year her sister was in town with her two dogs for the holidays. We have two dogs as well and after Christmas dinner, the wife wanted everyone to sit around and watch Christmas movies. Her sister said she didn't want to leave her dogs alone that long, next thing you know my in-laws bring their 3 dogs and my other sister-in-law brings her dog.

Only two of the eight dogs mentioned were male, so naturally they had a pissing contest all over my house. Pissed on the Christmas tree, the end table, the couch. I lost it and told them all to get their dogs out of my house before I hurt one of them.

Man that was a great Christmas. You've never seen people leave faster.

soopamanluva
04-19-2010, 07:00 PM
My Wife's Mom is cool but cant say much for the rest. I just don't come around...hardly ever. If they see me, its like seeing a leprechaun. I just cant put up with some of the BS her step dad pulls so its best i remove myself from the situation before i have to knock the Negro out.

angelo
04-19-2010, 07:08 PM
My wife is asian so they celebrate every freaking holiday(including groundhogs day) with a family get together. Her mom is crazy and her parents hate each other but will not get a divorce. They are very catholic. I myself am a recovering catholic.

They can not do anything alone. As my wife is the oldest child all of her sibling come to her with the assorted problems of life.

I do not attend every family get together, but I am expected to send food so I really do load it with fat and everything else that is bad. They just won't die.

I love my wife so for the important holidays I show up and immediately have a few drinks or have medicated myself to deal with the constant bitching and moaning.

Ang

OnTheWarpath58
04-19-2010, 07:14 PM
I live within less than a quarter mile of my in-laws' place, so I definitely know the feeling. We end up there for most holidays and often on other weekends just to hang out with the family. I generally get along with her family pretty well, though, so it's not a huge deal.

That said, it's definitely important to me that they not EXPECT me to be there every single time. There have been many days where my wife has wanted to go over there, and I've stayed home. And not with a lame excuse either - I just say that I'd rather not go that day. Thus far, it hasn't been a big deal. They know that they can be a bit over-the-top and that I sometimes need time to myself. I think that's the most important part.

I have you beat.

My in-laws live six DOORS down the street.

And instead of going there, we host all her side's family functions.

Good thing I like these people.

Rain Man
04-19-2010, 07:16 PM
Hmm. So it seem like I've been a nice guy for far too long and should tell the old sots to bugger off and I'm going to stay home in my underwear and drink root beer. I actually kind of like that. I don't stand up for myself often enough and it's time to do it.

It shall be done.

kstater
04-19-2010, 07:26 PM
From your friends' past posts about his wife. I think your friend should find a way to talk to his wife about it. Your friend has made it sound like such a discussion wouldn't be too difficult, regardless of his reservations.

cdcox
04-19-2010, 07:28 PM
Hmm. So it seem like I've been a nice guy for far too long and should tell the old sots to bugger off and I'm going to stay home in my underwear and drink root beer. I actually kind of like that. I don't stand up for myself often enough and it's time to do it.

It shall be done.

You mean you'll give this advice to your very, very good friend.


1. No one is responsible for your happiness other than yourself.

2. You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness.

3. You are allowed to express how the actions of those you care about make you feel. Politeness should govern these activities.

4. You can make requests of loved ones and they of you, but see 1 and 2 above.

5. A separate family vacation where your very, very good friend is not invited seems like bizzaro world.

6. Skipping some of the events seems like a good start, but your VVGF needs to probably talk to his wife as well.

Norman Einstein
04-19-2010, 08:52 PM
Why come here and ask such a question.

Your friend needs to grow a set and just tell the wife the family he is most interested in lives in his house. Screw the rest.

If he doesn't like the inlaws he most likely doesn't like the wife that much either. I've never experience bad inlaws.

InChiefsHell
04-20-2010, 07:52 AM
It's screwed up that they are trying to horn in on your life. But your WIFE is the one who needs to put the breaks on that. She married you, and now you have to take priority over her folks. Trust me, if she doesn't figure that out, you'll not be happily married long.

Frosty
04-20-2010, 08:00 AM
Anti-freeze

Dave Lane
04-20-2010, 08:11 AM
Sounds to me like he gets all the non holiday time so I really see no issue. I think the more time you can spend away from each other when you are married the better.

Share Xmas and Thanksgiving or something and be done with it. Let them take her out for her birthday then do "couples birthday" a few days before or after.

oldandslow
04-20-2010, 08:16 AM
Both the Choctaw and Lakota lived in matriarchial societies where the husband NEVER spoke to his wife's mother (unless it was absolutely necessary) or even looked at her in the eyes out of respect for her position...

Wonderful tradition, that. I have chosen to follow the wisdom of my elders.

Lumpy
04-20-2010, 08:21 AM
Wow, really? What a coincidence, a really, really good friend of mine has almost the exact situation going on w/ their in-laws. Unfortunately though, their spouse posts on here and my really, really good friend can't go into details.

My advice would be to have a 'come to jesus' meeting w/ everyone and hash it out in a mature manner. If that doesn't work, get on some heavy head-meds. :D

MOhillbilly
04-20-2010, 08:23 AM
My soon to be inlaws are scared to be in the presence of a man who walks it like he talks it.
They dont say shit. If they do get out of line i have ZERO problem telling them about it. Mostly revolves around the kids.


Tell you friend Mr. Rainman that itd be wise to use guerilla warfare tactics. Open conflict would only lead to his demise.
Have fun.

kepp
04-20-2010, 08:42 AM
You forgot the "Put them in a home" option

Brock
04-20-2010, 08:46 AM
sounds like the wife needs to spend a month in forced exile at her parents house.

EyePod
04-20-2010, 08:50 AM
This is the wife's fault. She should not allow this at all. He has to put his foot down and say too effing bad. I want to take you out on your birthday, get a few glasses of wine in you, and then go to fish town and get a good pole waxing.

Other option is to get her knocked up and use the g-parents as babysitters and spend more time with the wifey that way.

EyePod
04-20-2010, 08:51 AM
These in-laws wouldn't be Broncos fans on top of it all, would they be?

big nasty kcnut
04-20-2010, 08:53 AM
Easy just talk to the wife and explain to her that you can't do everything with them cause you want to spend time with her. Also tell her that she the most beautiful woman you know and sometime you like to do thing by yourself so you can give the attention she needs when you get back.

KCUnited
04-20-2010, 08:57 AM
Thankfully I got a 40 year old brother in law with a feathered buttcut who rides around on his 250 dirt bike, jumping dirt mounds in a Kawasaki jump suit that gets treated like Travis Pastrana by the in laws. Their attention is completely diverted from their wildly successful daughter.

That's a rough situation for your friend though.

Frazod
04-20-2010, 09:12 AM
My inlaws are about 40 minutes away. Not too close, not too far.

seclark
04-20-2010, 09:13 AM
similar situation. years ago, my inlaws moved 300 miles to be close to us. first year or so, we all had to be together every weekend. after awhile, i just decided that if i want to go, i'll go. if not, she can go do whatever w/her parents by herself. at first, i was given some shit for "not wanting to be with them", but after a year or so, it wasn't such a big deal. if i did go, i'd take my own ride and leave after dinner or whatever.

funny thing is, after awhile, my wife kind of started feeling the same way i did about not having any time to ourselves w/just our kids. plus, her father passed away, and her mother remarried. the "sunday afternoon get togethers" just don't seem to happen every sunday anymore. still get together for holidays, and such, but it's no where near as often as before.

with that said, we now live 7 miles from our son and his family. we have the grandkids about every weekend and usually have sunday dinner at our house. this thread makes me wonder if our kids are having the same negative thoughts about spending so much time w/us?

if so, f@ckem...they can stay at home and we'll just go pick up the grandkids. they're more fun anyway.
sec

Bob Dole
04-20-2010, 09:17 AM
Bob Dole solved his issues by losing the in-laws in the divorce.

bevischief
04-20-2010, 09:17 AM
My wife is asian so they celebrate every freaking holiday(including groundhogs day) with a family get together. Her mom is crazy and her parents hate each other but will not get a divorce. They are very catholic. I myself am a recovering catholic.

They can not do anything alone. As my wife is the oldest child all of her sibling come to her with the assorted problems of life.

I do not attend every family get together, but I am expected to send food so I really do load it with fat and everything else that is bad. They just won't die.

I love my wife so for the important holidays I show up and immediately have a few drinks or have medicated myself to deal with the constant bitching and moaning.

Ang

ROFL

bevischief
04-20-2010, 09:19 AM
I have no problems with the in-laws. Just step mom...

Sofa King
04-20-2010, 09:41 AM
http://www.mod.uk/NR/rdonlyres/32740CC1-A05A-4E72-87B8-30F3799B5E2B/0/NewSniperSystem2.jpg

Pestilence
04-20-2010, 09:45 AM
I have you beat.

My in-laws live six DOORS down the street.

And instead of going there, we host all her side's family functions.

Good thing I like these people.

My brother lives NEXT DOOR to his inlaws.

boogblaster
04-20-2010, 09:47 AM
Get a big gun ....

Saulbadguy
04-20-2010, 09:49 AM
How old are they? Perhaps you can just wait them out.

Otter
04-20-2010, 10:53 AM
Sounds like your very good friend needs to visit one of the downtown shops in Denver for some brownies for when the in-laws come over.

I'll let you decide who should eat them.

sedated
04-20-2010, 11:06 AM
In that situation, I would probably start making plans with other people. If the wife mentions wanting to do something, just say “oh, I expected you to be with your parents as always, so I’m going to go do [whatever]”.

But this is passive aggressive, and would probably lead us to drift apart, have affairs, and ultimately end in divorce. Good luck.

mikey23545
04-20-2010, 11:24 AM
I hate this. I absolutely hate this. There's a freaking reason why I live 500 miles away from anybody who remotely shares my DNA. I have nothing against family and there's nothing better than a caring and loving family that lives 500 miles away. But I despise the obligation of visiting and the loss of my precious few days off and the guilt and the "why don't you visit more often" whining. And there are people that like it? And I married one of them? What was I thinking?

We may have been separated at birth.