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loochy
07-07-2010, 09:28 AM
Looking in the pics forum I got to wondering. What is it? This is not a poll, but stories. What made it terrible?! Was it a fat body?... bad breath?... hj in front of your father?... a dead fish?... a blow up doll?... a vagrant you picked up down town?... bad hygiene?... blackmailed?... I was sober and she was a drunk Orca, but as desperate as you?...

Let's hear 'em.

Sorry if this is a repost, but things change day to day so f you.

Fairplay
07-07-2010, 09:35 AM
I was jacking off in a friends bathroom when I looked over and saw a peephole right across from me.

Spoiled the whole moment.

ChiTown
07-07-2010, 09:36 AM
I was jacking off in a friends bathroom when I looked over and saw a peephole right across from me.

Spoiled the whole moment.

So, you did or didn't finish the job? No offense, but I hate quitters........

luv
07-07-2010, 09:40 AM
It would appear that I've had sex with Fairplay, so I'm gonna have to go with that.

Fairplay
07-07-2010, 09:42 AM
So, you did or didn't finish the job? No offense, but I hate quitters........



You will be proud of me I'm not a quitter.

When I discovered the peep hole I was only seconds from unloading.
I decided to point and unload at said hole with the eye peaking out.

Someone got a load right on their eyeball, makes me laugh when I recall the story.

Fairplay
07-07-2010, 09:44 AM
It would appear that I've had sex with Fairplay, so I'm gonna have to go with that.



Don't worry I was so drunk that night I can hardly remember it myself Luv.

KCtotheSB
07-07-2010, 09:48 AM
What's the worst sex you've ever had?

From your mom.

Seriously though, I was on the rebound from my first girlfriend with some tramp I met online. We didn't go on the conventional "date" we had scheduled. After I picked her up, we both agreed in going back to my apartment and got down to business. Eventually, while doing her doggy style, I was pounding her so hard and fast that I slipped out of her vagina and right into her ass. Personally, I was too busy on the job to tell the difference but then, she looked back and said "So, you like it there, huh?". I was confused, looked down and still recall the horrendous smell of shit that wafted up to my nostrils.

I had her jerk me off after that and then 10 minutes later, brought her back home.

I'm sure many have had much MUCH worse, but that's probably my "worst".

Jilly
07-07-2010, 09:48 AM
You will be proud of me I'm not a quitter.

When I discovered the peep hole I was only seconds from unloading.
I decided to point and unload at said hole with the eye peaking out.

Someone got a load right on their eyeball, makes me laugh when I recall the story.

yeah, ass, I haven't been able to see straight since

ChiTown
07-07-2010, 09:51 AM
You will be proud of me I'm not a quitter.

When I discovered the peep hole I was only seconds from unloading.
I decided to point and unload at said hole with the eye peaking out.

Someone got a load right on their eyeball, makes me laugh when I recall the story.

So, it's fair to say, you pulled it out, and dotted the eye?

Bane
07-07-2010, 09:52 AM
The worst.......Has to be the time I hit this chick that had clearly been banging big,giant, anaconda dick muthafuggas.Felt like dropping a hotdog into a 60 gallon drum!.:shake:

Pants
07-07-2010, 09:52 AM
From your mom.

Seriously though, I was on the rebound from my first girlfriend with some tramp I met online. We didn't go on the conventional "date" we had scheduled. After I picked her up, we both agreed in going back to my apartment and got down to business. Eventually, while doing her doggy style, I was pounding her so hard and fast that I slipped out of her vagina and right into her ass. Personally, I was too busy on the job to tell the difference but then, she looked back and said "So, you like it there, huh?". I was confused, looked down and still recall the horrendous smell of shit that wafted up to my nostrils.

I had her jerk me off after that and then 10 minutes later, brought her back home.

I'm sure many have had much MUCH worse, but that's probably my "worst".

Sorry dude, but that sounds like a bunch of BS. Unless that chick was an AIDS infested whore who did anal all the time and was stretched to the point of having a gaping black hole there, you would not be able to just stick in there on accident.

Fairplay
07-07-2010, 09:53 AM
So, it's fair to say, you pulled it out, and dotted the eye?




Lol...........x 100

luv
07-07-2010, 09:56 AM
From your mom.

Seriously though, I was on the rebound from my first girlfriend with some tramp I met online. We didn't go on the conventional "date" we had scheduled. After I picked her up, we both agreed in going back to my apartment and got down to business. Eventually, while doing her doggy style, I was pounding her so hard and fast that I slipped out of her vagina and right into her ass. Personally, I was too busy on the job to tell the difference but then, she looked back and said "So, you like it there, huh?". I was confused, looked down and still recall the horrendous smell of shit that wafted up to my nostrils.

I had her jerk me off after that and then 10 minutes later, brought her back home.

I'm sure many have had much MUCH worse, but that's probably my "worst".
No way in hell you stick in her ass and not know it.

Pestilence
07-07-2010, 09:57 AM
No way in hell you stick in her ass and not know it.

Unless she either has the tightest vagina.....or a big gaping asshole.

Jilly
07-07-2010, 09:58 AM
the worst time I ever had was when my dad was talking to my boyfriend about his military adventures and we were on the couch with a blanket on our laps and I jerked him off with my hand. Seriously, worst time ever....I felt absolutely nothing.

Delano
07-07-2010, 09:58 AM
The worst.......Has to be the time I hit this chick that had clearly been banging big,giant, anaconda dick muthafuggas.Felt like dropping a hotdog into a 60 gallon drum!.:shake:

I told tht bitch to do her Kegel exercises.
Posted via Mobile Device

luv
07-07-2010, 09:58 AM
Sorry dude, but that sounds like a bunch of BS. Unless that chick was an AIDS infested whore who did anal all the time and was stretched to the point of having a gaping black hole there, you would not be able to just stick in there on accident.

I'll bet she's never constipated.

Captain Obvious
07-07-2010, 09:59 AM
No way in hell you stick in her ass and not know it.

Maybe he is just really small.

ChiTown
07-07-2010, 09:59 AM
the worst time I ever had was when my dad was talking to my boyfriend about his military adventures and we were on the couch with a blanket on our laps and I jerked him off with my hand. Seriously, worst time ever....I felt absolutely nothing.

:clap:

Pants
07-07-2010, 09:59 AM
Unless she either has the tightest vagina.....or a big gaping asshole.

It's REALLY hard to get in there, no way in hell can anybody just accidentally "slip in".

Gravedigger
07-07-2010, 09:59 AM
From your mom.

Seriously though, I was on the rebound from my first girlfriend with some tramp I met online. We didn't go on the conventional "date" we had scheduled. After I picked her up, we both agreed in going back to my apartment and got down to business. Eventually, while doing her doggy style, I was pounding her so hard and fast that I slipped out of her vagina and right into her ass. Personally, I was too busy on the job to tell the difference but then, she looked back and said "So, you like it there, huh?". I was confused, looked down and still recall the horrendous smell of shit that wafted up to my nostrils.

I had her jerk me off after that and then 10 minutes later, brought her back home.

I'm sure many have had much MUCH worse, but that's probably my "worst".

AIDS is fun.

wutamess
07-07-2010, 10:00 AM
Sorry dude, but that sounds like a bunch of BS. Unless that chick was an AIDS infested whore who did anal all the time and was stretched to the point of having a gaping black hole there, you would not be able to just stick in there on accident.

Unless he's guilty of the needle dick. I think he just subliminally ratted himself out.

:hmmm:

ChiTown
07-07-2010, 10:03 AM
Worst sex? Sounds like an oxy-"moran"

Bad sex is like cold pizza. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good.

Jilly
07-07-2010, 10:04 AM
Worst sex? Sounds like an oxy-"moran"

Bad sex is like cold pizza. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good.

I thought that only applied to BJ's

ChiTown
07-07-2010, 10:06 AM
I thought that only applied to BJ's

No. A BJ is like a Haley's Comet sighting. It only happens every 75 years.......

bevischief
07-07-2010, 10:07 AM
Worthless without ms paint pics...

Jilly
07-07-2010, 10:19 AM
No. A BJ is like a Haley's Comet sighting. It only happens every 75 years.......

hmmmm..... I didn't get that memo.

GoHuge
07-07-2010, 10:31 AM
From your mom.

Seriously though, I was on the rebound from my first girlfriend with some tramp I met online. We didn't go on the conventional "date" we had scheduled. After I picked her up, we both agreed in going back to my apartment and got down to business. Eventually, while doing her doggy style, I was pounding her so hard and fast that I slipped out of her vagina and right into her ass. Personally, I was too busy on the job to tell the difference but then, she looked back and said "So, you like it there, huh?". I was confused, looked down and still recall the horrendous smell of shit that wafted up to my nostrils.

I had her jerk me off after that and then 10 minutes later, brought her back home.

I'm sure many have had much MUCH worse, but that's probably my "worst".Dude you are so full of shit (sorry it's the most appropriate term). Like others have said there is no slipping into her ass unless you are in fact a needle dick. Plenty of girls like it, but if you just went and tried to jam it in your dick will bend in half or she is going to knock you through a ****ing wall. This is an astroglide needed several minute process of getting it in unless you're a complete douche and don't care about hurting the girl. You couldn't tell the difference? It's like trying to stick your dick into a coke bottle!! "The horrendous smell of shit?" Further proof this didn't happen.

You sound like a 15 year-old virgin to be completely honest. Everything you said is just dead ass wrong. I don't see in any way how you could have any experience with a girls dirty balloon knot after posting what you did. I agree with everyone else........bull shit.

PGM
07-07-2010, 10:34 AM
Dude you are so full of shit (sorry it's the most appropriate term). Like others have said there is no slipping into her ass unless you are in fact a needle dick. Plenty of girls like it, but if you just went and tried to jam it in your dick will bend in half or she is going to knock you through a ****ing wall. This is an astroglide needed several minute process of getting it in unless you're a complete douche and don't care about hurting the girl. You couldn't tell the difference? It's like trying to stick your dick into a coke bottle!! "The horrendous smell of shit?" Further proof this didn't happen.

You sound like a 15 year-old virgin to be completely honest. Everything you said is just dead ass wrong. I don't see in any way how you could have any experience with a girls dirty balloon knot after posting what you did. I agree with everyone else........bull shit.


Ouch...ROFL

siberian khatru
07-07-2010, 10:34 AM
Worthless without ms paint pics...

Hahahahaha ... I miss that thread. Had it bookmarked so I could go back every couple of days to read it, then it seemed to disappear.

siberian khatru
07-07-2010, 10:36 AM
No way in hell you stick in her ass and not know it.

I think you just answered Metrolike's question from yesterday.

ChiTown
07-07-2010, 10:36 AM
I think you just answered Metrolike's question from yesterday.

ROFL

Detoxing
07-07-2010, 10:48 AM
Dude you are so full of shit (sorry it's the most appropriate term). Like others have said there is no slipping into her ass unless you are in fact a needle dick. Plenty of girls like it, but if you just went and tried to jam it in your dick will bend in half or she is going to knock you through a ****ing wall. This is an astroglide needed several minute process of getting it in unless you're a complete douche and don't care about hurting the girl. You couldn't tell the difference? It's like trying to stick your dick into a coke bottle!! "The horrendous smell of shit?" Further proof this didn't happen.

You sound like a 15 year-old virgin to be completely honest. Everything you said is just dead ass wrong. I don't see in any way how you could have any experience with a girls dirty balloon knot after posting what you did. I agree with everyone else........bull shit.

A bit harsh but, yeah.

All the work that it takes to get it in there makes it not worth it. Lots of lube+patience and a couple of "owe, owe, owes" kinda kills it. And it doesn't even really feel better IMO.

With that said, i'd still take it if given the chance, lol. I tell my girl all the time, "if you just let me have it when i want it, I won't really want it anymore"

Pants
07-07-2010, 10:56 AM
A bit harsh but, yeah.

"if you just let me have it when i want it, I won't really want it anymore"

Holy shit, I've said that so many times. It's just the fact that boys always want what they can't get. The fact that a given girl won't let me even touch it, makes me want it that much more.

Detoxing
07-07-2010, 11:07 AM
Holy shit, I've said that so many times. It's just the fact that boys always want what they can't get. The fact that a given girl won't let me even touch it, makes me want it that much more.

Exactly. It's not that it really feels that much better. It's the fact that your doing her in the Butt; something taboo. Ha!

JohninGpt
07-07-2010, 11:08 AM
I was jacking off in a friends bathroom when I looked over and saw a peephole right across from me.

Spoiled the whole moment.

Were you hanging out at Bucks friends house?

KCtotheSB
07-07-2010, 12:34 PM
Dude you are so full of shit (sorry it's the most appropriate term). Like others have said there is no slipping into her ass unless you are in fact a needle dick. Plenty of girls like it, but if you just went and tried to jam it in your dick will bend in half or she is going to knock you through a ****ing wall. This is an astroglide needed several minute process of getting it in unless you're a complete douche and don't care about hurting the girl. You couldn't tell the difference? It's like trying to stick your dick into a coke bottle!! "The horrendous smell of shit?" Further proof this didn't happen.

You sound like a 15 year-old virgin to be completely honest. Everything you said is just dead ass wrong. I don't see in any way how you could have any experience with a girls dirty balloon knot after posting what you did. I agree with everyone else........bull shit.

I'm not surprised.

My friends have said the same thing and they've said I was full of it also. I'm just telling the story how I remember it. To be fair, it was dark and I never actually witnessed any supposed anal. Perhaps she just farted as soon as I looked down, but I have no idea what she could have been "referencing" too other than her ass. Feel free to call bullshit though, because it certainly hasn't been the first time.

I do ask that you don't poke fun at my massive 3'' erection though. :D

kindra68
07-07-2010, 01:18 PM
Out drinking one night got a booty call from an old “friend”. Having nothing better to do, and face time with a movie sounds good, I head over to his house.
We chill on the couch, drink a few beers, and watch a bit of whatever movie was playin. Movie was boring so we head back to his room. It’s dark; we get naked and start playing around. Next thing I know he’s all gruntin and huffin and puffin. I’m thinking WTF? And then I realize “holy shit! I think, HE thinks, he’s fucking the hell outta me!!” so as I lay there, his sweat dripping off his face and onto my chest, my inner voice says, “damn! Now I remember why I quit fucking him years ago! He has the smallest dick ever seen!” So with that I ramp up ol’ Meg Ryan and he gets off. well I get up, throw on my clothes, tell him thanks for the romp but I have to get home. You know, early workday and all.
The bad thing about all of this is, as I was telling this story to a friend a few years back. The look of utter shock and fear crossed her face, and it confused me. I told her it was no biggy since he had moved off and we hadn’t fooled around since then. And as she stared into my eyes and shook her head “no” she said Kindra, you do not have an inner voice, not even sober. There is no way in hell you all of a sudden got an “inner voice” when you were drunk.
And you know I thought about it and thought about it. I can be a cold hearted bitch when needed, but there’s no way, even after a few beers, that I told him he had a small dick.
And I know there was no whiskey involved that night.

Iowanian
07-07-2010, 01:55 PM
It was yesterday.

My employee quit to go work for my best client doing the same thing.

A kiss on the neck and a lubricated condom might have helped.

Donger
07-07-2010, 02:00 PM
Other than an arm-numbing blow job, I can't really think of one. I guess probably my first time. I wasn't very good.

Stewie
07-07-2010, 02:34 PM
College
Drunk
She's a 4
Tried to give a handie and about tore it off.
No satisfaction
I had to see her three days a week in physics class
BAD BAD BAD

Chiefspants
07-07-2010, 02:44 PM
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luv
07-07-2010, 02:46 PM
When I think of hand jobs and blow jobs, I think of that more as foreplay. You guys consider that sex?

Douche Baggins
07-07-2010, 02:47 PM
Met a girl at starbucks. We decided to go shag.

After a mediocre makeout session she refused to blow me. She was pretty average looking. Clothes came off, and she was COVERED in acne. Everywhere. No blowjob, the horror of it all, I went limp. Made her PPV porn to get me hard. Got hard. Attempted insertion, was still horrified completely, went limp. Went home.

Moral of the story: don't hook up with chicks unless you're actually attracted to them.

Iowanian
07-07-2010, 02:48 PM
When I think of hand jobs and blow jobs, I think of that more as foreplay. You guys consider that sex?

Does your hand or chin have a frosting spider web on it after?

Iowanian
07-07-2010, 02:49 PM
Met a girl at starbucks. We decided to go shag.

After a mediocre makeout session she refused to blow me. She was pretty average looking. Clothes came off, and she was COVERED in acne. Everywhere. No blowjob, the horror of it all, I went limp. Made her PPV porn to get me hard. Got hard. Attempted insertion, was still horrified completely, went limp. Went home.

Moral of the story: I'm gay.


We knew it but it was brave of you to share.

luv
07-07-2010, 02:51 PM
Does your hand or chin have a frosting spider web on it after?

If I do it right. lol

Point taken.

Stewie
07-07-2010, 02:55 PM
If I do it right. lol

Point taken.

It can be great foreplay. I prefer one or the other before getting down to the real work.

gblowfish
07-07-2010, 03:04 PM
I had a drunk chick throw up on me in the middle of my chest once. That was pretty foul....

WV
07-07-2010, 03:10 PM
I had a drunk chick throw up on me in the middle of my chest once. That was pretty foul....

Ummmm....gross, I think you win.

Donger
07-07-2010, 03:11 PM
I had a drunk chick throw up on me in the middle of my chest once. That was pretty foul....

Oh my. That is bad. But, did you finish?

GoHuge
07-07-2010, 03:15 PM
I'm not surprised.

My friends have said the same thing and they've said I was full of it also. I'm just telling the story how I remember it. To be fair, it was dark and I never actually witnessed any supposed anal. Perhaps she just farted as soon as I looked down, but I have no idea what she could have been "referencing" too other than her ass. Feel free to call bullshit though, because it certainly hasn't been the first time.

I do ask that you don't poke fun at my massive 3'' erection though. :DDeal.........and I did go a little harsh so I apologize for that, but you've got to quit telling that story. It's not helping you in any way.

gblowfish
07-07-2010, 05:43 PM
Oh my. That is bad. But, did you finish?

No, I got what I paid for....








OK, that's probably the worst joke I've made on here evah.


I can't remember, it was 35 years ago. I do remember the girl though. It was her 21st BD and she was HAMMERED.

Rudy lost the toss
07-07-2010, 05:55 PM
no stinky vagina stories????

boooooo

stumppy
07-07-2010, 06:19 PM
The worst sex ? Doesn't really matter. The worst sex I ever had was wonderful.

It's all good, just somes better than others.

Phobia
07-07-2010, 10:00 PM
A gal flew to Houston to meet me once. I knew her from a tech conference and remembered her to be moderately attractive... She arrived and I picked her up at the airport. Wasn't attracted to her in the slightest. I mean, she wasn't repulsive or anything. But I know that she flew a long way so I took care of business after some liquid encouragement.

I nearly had to fake it. Afterwards, I was a little loopy and couldn't believe I had hit it so I'm sitting in the hotel laughing hysterically. She probably thought I was crazy.

Douche Baggins
07-07-2010, 10:03 PM
I'm always mystified by people who say drinking makes it easier for them to have sex with ugly people. Alcohol would make arousal around an ugly person nigh impossible for me.

Marco Polo
07-07-2010, 10:08 PM
Did you hear about the worst sex I ever had? It was awesome.

Toadkiller
07-07-2010, 10:14 PM
I swear this was a friend, we were down in Mexico and he hooked up with a local girl*ahem 20 dollars*, he took her into this bathroom and bent her over the sink and when he came back out he was all smiling and stuff and the rest of us just looked in horror at him. His white shirt had a nice brown shit streak on the front of it.

Raiderhader
07-07-2010, 10:19 PM
I swear this was a friend, we were down in Mexico and he hooked up with a local girl*ahem 20 dollars*, he took her into this bathroom and bent her over the sink and when he came back out he was all smiling and stuff and the rest of us just looked in horror at him. His white shirt had a nice brown shit streak on the front of it.


Uh huh, yeah, ok.

luv
07-07-2010, 10:23 PM
I'm always mystified by people who say drinking makes it easier for them to have sex with ugly people. Alcohol would make arousal around an ugly person nigh impossible for me.

Then you haven't drank enough.

Douche Baggins
07-07-2010, 10:26 PM
Then you haven't drank enough.

I guess, but I have a low tolerance.

Mr. Kotter
07-07-2010, 10:26 PM
Did you hear about the worst sex I ever had? It was awesome.

Heh. Pizza and sex....even "bad" it's still pretty good. LMAO

Over-Head
07-07-2010, 10:32 PM
Morning I lost my virginity.
That fridgid bitch was as fun to screw as an icefishing hole.

Param
07-07-2010, 10:35 PM
I'm always mystified by people who say drinking makes it easier for them to have sex with ugly people. Alcohol would make arousal around an ugly person nigh impossible for me.

I can somewhat agree with this. There has to be some physical attraction otherwise I won't bother with it.

Mr. Kotter
07-07-2010, 10:41 PM
College...

Annual beginning of the year canoe race/camp trip from Manhattan to Lawrence in 1983; some freshman girl, who had to be Mormon or Seventh Day Adventist....latched herself to me during the evening after some adult beverages, right before the camp out on an island in the middle of a hot, misquito infested Kansas river. She wasn't really my type (shorter, blonde; bigger boobs, but average ass,) but she seemed like a "sure thing" at the time. Anyway...she starts all hot and heavy, and after gettin' my engine runnin'....she shifts into neutral/reverse. Literally, I thought for a while like, "shit, she's wasted; gonna go limp/blow-up doll-like on me" so I begin losing it. So I start pretending to be really wasted myself---though I'm far from it. Just then, one of her friends joins us...in our tent.

She's attractive, but no knockout...but has a body to kill for, so with a chance at a threesome and a smokin' body at my figertips, they have my attention. About that time, I shit you not....someone comes screaming the second girl's name through the camp ground, she scrambles from the tent, dressing as she exits--to go who knows where. So, the first gal is laying there begging for it...and being the gentlemen I am, I attempted to oblige--even though the excitement of the moment had definitely subsided. It's the only time in my life I ever had any difficulty at all, "keeping up." It would have been damn embarrassing considering she was like a grateful fat-girl who was giving it her best. However, thank goodness...she was too drunk to notice.

RippedmyFlesh
07-07-2010, 10:48 PM
I can somewhat agree with this. There has to be some physical attraction otherwise I won't bother with it.
That's true but "some physical attraction" are maybe yes maybe no.
Alcohol has you saying "why not?" instead of why.

Param
07-07-2010, 10:50 PM
College...

Annual beginning of the year canoe race/camp trip from Manhattan to Lawrence in 1983; some freshman girl, who had to be Mormon or Seventh Day Adventist....latched herself to me during the evening after some adult beverages, right before the camp out on an island in the middle of a hot, misquito infested Kansas river. She wasn't really my type (shorter, blonde; bigger boobs, but average ass,) but she seemed like a "sure thing" at the time. Anyway...she starts all hot and heavy, and after gettin' my engine runnin'....she shifts into neutral/reverse. Literally, I thought for a while like, "shit, she's wasted; gonna go limp/blow-up doll-like on me" so I begin losing it. So I start pretending to be really wasted myself---though I'm far from it. Just then, one of her friends joins us...in our tent.

She's attractive, but no knockout...but has a body to kill for, so with a chance at a threesome and a smokin' body at my figertips, they have my attention. About that time, I shit you not....someone comes screaming the second girl's name through the camp ground, she scrambles from the tent, dressing as she exits--to go who knows where. So, the first gal is laying there begging for it...and being the gentlemen I am, I attempted to oblige--even though the excitement of the moment had definitely subsided. It's the only time in my life I ever had any difficulty at all, "keeping up." It would have been damn embarrassing considering she was like a grateful fat-girl who was giving it her best. However, thank goodness...she was too drunk to notice.

what men will do for poonanny!ROFL

chasedude
07-08-2010, 02:18 AM
I'd say the worst sex I ever had was the one I couldn't remember. Don't know if I enjoyed it or not, for shame!

Lumpy
07-08-2010, 02:37 AM
Just did. Oh wait, no, I sat on the remote. :D

Honestly, I've only been w/ Gonzo and we have always had a great physical relationship. Eh, when we have time to have it. :( Having a kid does put a damper on that area. So to answer this question, I don't recall any moment where I said to myself, "FFS, I could be plaing GTA!"

chasedude
07-08-2010, 02:42 AM
Just did. Oh wait, no, I sat on the remote. :D

Honestly, I've only been w/ Gonzo and we have always had a great physical relationship. Eh, when we have time to have it. :( Having a kid does put a damper on that area. So to answer this question, I don't recall any moment where I said to myself, "FFS, I could be plaing GTA!"

Beating up a hooker and stealing back the money you just paid her has its own gratifications too! :thumb:LMAO

CrazyPhuD
07-08-2010, 02:43 AM
I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my “do anything to get laid” phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.

Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, “I got drunk on Dom and fucked this hottie” story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah…Jesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I don’t consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?

Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception…

I was seeing one girl, “Jaime,” about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.

The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she’d had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn’t know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I’d missed out on (when I wasn’t cheating on her, of course).

Buttsex, known in the biz as “anal,” was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.

She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn’t keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:

Jaime “But…I’ve never done it.”
Tucker “I’ve never done it either; it can be our thing.”

Jaime “But…I don’t know if I’ll like it.”
Tucker “You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant.”

Jaime “But…I like normal sex.”
Tucker “Everyone’s doing anal. It’s the new black.”

Jaime “But…I don’t know…it seems weird.”
Tucker “It’s the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don’t you want to do runways in Europe?”

After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:

“OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent’s restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I’m tired of being your Monday night girl.”

I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as “aphrodisiac cuisine.” Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.

Thanks to my father’s connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter–it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jaime in the butt; I wasn’t about to let a $400 tab get in my way.

By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to fuck her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start fucking. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.

Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.

[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations....but of course, I'm still going to write about it.]

This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life…so I decided to film us.

I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera…without telling her.

That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera…I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.

No really–I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I’m just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.

I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.

By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, “I’m ready.”

I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.

A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn’t have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you fuck a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world’s best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.

The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, “Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she’ll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it’s smooth sailing from there.”

Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.

I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah–I overdid it.

But Tucker Max wasn’t done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable.

Really–consider my thought process: I was going to fuck her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.

Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.

Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint “psssst” sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.

It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:

“Did you…did you just…shit on my dick??”

I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.

I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.

I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.

She turned her head, said, “Tucker, what are you doing?,” saw me vomiting on her, screamed “Oh my God!,” and immediately joined me:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.

I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.

I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime’s, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:

“OH MY GOD–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH– HOW COULD YOU– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–OH MY GOD– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH.”

She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.

The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.
POST-SCRIPT:

The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn’t occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards–the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.

I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.

What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn’t get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn’t bring a purse or any money with her).

Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.

I’m hoping she reads this. Maybe then I’ll find out how she got home.

LOL ok not mine but this one is epic....If you've never checked out the site it's an oldie but a goodie....

http://www.tuckermax.com/stories/tucker-tries-buttsex-hilarity-does-not-ensue/

lostcause
07-08-2010, 03:47 AM
sex is like chinese food. even when its bad, its still pretty good.

bevischief
07-08-2010, 03:57 AM
I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my “do anything to get laid” phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.

Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, “I got drunk on Dom and ****ed this hottie” story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: ****ing on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah…Jesus. What does it say about how ****ed up my life is that I don’t consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?

Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception…

I was seeing one girl, “Jaime,” about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.

The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she’d had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn’t know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I’d missed out on (when I wasn’t cheating on her, of course).

Buttsex, known in the biz as “anal,” was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.

She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn’t keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:

Jaime “But…I’ve never done it.”
Tucker “I’ve never done it either; it can be our thing.”

Jaime “But…I don’t know if I’ll like it.”
Tucker “You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant.”

Jaime “But…I like normal sex.”
Tucker “Everyone’s doing anal. It’s the new black.”

Jaime “But…I don’t know…it seems weird.”
Tucker “It’s the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don’t you want to do runways in Europe?”

After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:

“OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent’s restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I’m tired of being your Monday night girl.”

I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as “aphrodisiac cuisine.” Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.

Thanks to my father’s connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter–it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to **** Jaime in the butt; I wasn’t about to let a $400 tab get in my way.

By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to **** her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start ****ing. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.

Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.

[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations....but of course, I'm still going to write about it.]

This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life…so I decided to film us.

I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera…without telling her.

That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera…I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.

No really–I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I’m just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.

I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.

By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, “I’m ready.”

I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.

A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn’t have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you **** a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world’s best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.

The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, “Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she’ll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it’s smooth sailing from there.”

Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.

I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah–I overdid it.

But Tucker Max wasn’t done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable.

Really–consider my thought process: I was going to **** her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.

Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.

Before I knew it I was ****ing her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint “psssst” sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.

It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:

“Did you…did you just…shit on my dick??”

I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.

I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.

I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.

She turned her head, said, “Tucker, what are you doing?,” saw me vomiting on her, screamed “Oh my God!,” and immediately joined me:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.

I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.

I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime’s, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:

“OH MY GOD–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH– HOW COULD YOU– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–OH MY GOD– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I LET YOU **** ME IN THE ASS–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH.”

She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.

The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.
POST-SCRIPT:

The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn’t occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards–the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.

I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.

What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn’t get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn’t bring a purse or any money with her).

Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.

I’m hoping she reads this. Maybe then I’ll find out how she got home.

LOL ok not mine but this one is epic....If you've never checked out the site it's an oldie but a goodie....

http://www.tuckermax.com/stories/tucker-tries-buttsex-hilarity-does-not-ensue/

Needs a ms paint picture...

Amnorix
07-08-2010, 06:36 AM
Needs a ms paint picture...

No, no it absolutely doesn't.

loochy
07-08-2010, 08:34 AM
I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my “do anything to get laid” phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.

Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, “I got drunk on Dom and fucked this hottie” story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah…Jesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I don’t consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?

Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception…

I was seeing one girl, “Jaime,” about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.

The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she’d had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn’t know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I’d missed out on (when I wasn’t cheating on her, of course).

Buttsex, known in the biz as “anal,” was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.

She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn’t keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:

Jaime “But…I’ve never done it.”
Tucker “I’ve never done it either; it can be our thing.”

Jaime “But…I don’t know if I’ll like it.”
Tucker “You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant.”

Jaime “But…I like normal sex.”
Tucker “Everyone’s doing anal. It’s the new black.”

Jaime “But…I don’t know…it seems weird.”
Tucker “It’s the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don’t you want to do runways in Europe?”

After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:

“OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent’s restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I’m tired of being your Monday night girl.”

I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as “aphrodisiac cuisine.” Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.

Thanks to my father’s connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter–it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jaime in the butt; I wasn’t about to let a $400 tab get in my way.

By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to fuck her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start fucking. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.

Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.

[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations....but of course, I'm still going to write about it.]

This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life…so I decided to film us.

I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera…without telling her.

That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera…I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.

No really–I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I’m just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.

I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.

By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, “I’m ready.”

I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.

A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn’t have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you fuck a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world’s best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.

The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, “Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she’ll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it’s smooth sailing from there.”

Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.

I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah–I overdid it.

But Tucker Max wasn’t done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable.

Really–consider my thought process: I was going to fuck her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.

Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.

Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint “psssst” sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.

It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:

“Did you…did you just…shit on my dick??”

I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.

I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.

I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.

She turned her head, said, “Tucker, what are you doing?,” saw me vomiting on her, screamed “Oh my God!,” and immediately joined me:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.

I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.

I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime’s, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:

“OH MY GOD–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH– HOW COULD YOU– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–OH MY GOD– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH.”

She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.

The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.
POST-SCRIPT:

The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn’t occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards–the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.

I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.

What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn’t get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn’t bring a purse or any money with her).

Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.

I’m hoping she reads this. Maybe then I’ll find out how she got home.

LOL ok not mine but this one is epic....If you've never checked out the site it's an oldie but a goodie....

http://www.tuckermax.com/stories/tucker-tries-buttsex-hilarity-does-not-ensue/

http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c360/amydelune/CB/ThreadKiller.jpg

boogblaster
07-08-2010, 09:40 AM
well my neighbor had a 3-legged goat ...

GoHuge
07-08-2010, 09:49 AM
I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my “do anything to get laid” phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.

Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, “I got drunk on Dom and ****ed this hottie” story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: ****ing on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah…Jesus. What does it say about how ****ed up my life is that I don’t consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?

Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception…

I was seeing one girl, “Jaime,” about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.

The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she’d had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn’t know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I’d missed out on (when I wasn’t cheating on her, of course).

Buttsex, known in the biz as “anal,” was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.

She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn’t keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:

Jaime “But…I’ve never done it.”
Tucker “I’ve never done it either; it can be our thing.”

Jaime “But…I don’t know if I’ll like it.”
Tucker “You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant.”

Jaime “But…I like normal sex.”
Tucker “Everyone’s doing anal. It’s the new black.”

Jaime “But…I don’t know…it seems weird.”
Tucker “It’s the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don’t you want to do runways in Europe?”

After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:

“OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent’s restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I’m tired of being your Monday night girl.”

I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as “aphrodisiac cuisine.” Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.

Thanks to my father’s connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter–it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to **** Jaime in the butt; I wasn’t about to let a $400 tab get in my way.

By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to **** her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start ****ing. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.

Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.

[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations....but of course, I'm still going to write about it.]

This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life…so I decided to film us.

I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera…without telling her.

That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera…I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.

No really–I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I’m just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.

I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.

By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, “I’m ready.”

I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.

A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn’t have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you **** a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world’s best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.

The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, “Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she’ll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it’s smooth sailing from there.”

Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.

I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah–I overdid it.

But Tucker Max wasn’t done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable.

Really–consider my thought process: I was going to **** her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.

Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.

Before I knew it I was ****ing her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint “psssst” sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.

It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:

“Did you…did you just…shit on my dick??”

I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.

I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.

I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.

She turned her head, said, “Tucker, what are you doing?,” saw me vomiting on her, screamed “Oh my God!,” and immediately joined me:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.

I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.

I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime’s, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:

“OH MY GOD–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH– HOW COULD YOU– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–OH MY GOD– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I LET YOU **** ME IN THE ASS–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH.”

She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.

The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.
POST-SCRIPT:

The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn’t occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards–the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.

I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.

What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn’t get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn’t bring a purse or any money with her).

Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.

I’m hoping she reads this. Maybe then I’ll find out how she got home.

LOL ok not mine but this one is epic....If you've never checked out the site it's an oldie but a goodie....

http://www.tuckermax.com/stories/tucker-tries-buttsex-hilarity-does-not-ensue/Yeah giving her an enema before anal sex and then pounding her was a very bad mix. Hope you don't work with dangerous chemicals!

Stewie
07-08-2010, 10:49 AM
A gal flew to Houston to meet me once. I knew her from a tech conference and remembered her to be moderately attractive... She arrived and I picked her up at the airport. Wasn't attracted to her in the slightest. I mean, she wasn't repulsive or anything. But I know that she flew a long way so I took care of business after some liquid encouragement.

I nearly had to fake it. Afterwards, I was a little loopy and couldn't believe I had hit it so I'm sitting in the hotel laughing hysterically. She probably thought I was crazy.

That takes some mental magic. I think this falls under the adage, "No one looks at the mantel when poking the fire."

T-post Tom
07-08-2010, 10:36 PM
Went to a whorehouse, once. Walked in and the madam said...

"It's $40 for a blowjob and $100 if you want to get f*cked."

I said, "I want to get f*cked."

"Okay, take your $100 upstairs and knock at room number five."

"Sounds good."

I moved quickly & eagerly up the stairs, landing in a dim hallway with a series of numbered doors. After my eyes adjusted to the poor lighting, I found room number five. I knocked softly, but there was no reply. I knocked a little louder and still no reply. So I banged very loudly and a harsh woman's voice replied...

"What the hell do you want?"

"I want to get f*cked."

"Then slide a hundred dollars under the door, sugar."

"Okay, there it is."

Silence. Not a sound. So I yelled, "Open the door!" Even more silence. So I yelled "Hey! Let's go!" Still nothing. So I banged as hard as I could on the door and the same voice replied...

"What the hell do want?"

"I came here to get F*CKED! I want to get F*CKED!"

The woman laughed and said, "What? Again?"


Worst sex evah!

Halfcan
07-08-2010, 11:39 PM
When I think of hand jobs and blow jobs, I think of that more as foreplay. You guys consider that sex?

yep

Pablo
07-08-2010, 11:48 PM
Probably the very first time I fucked a girl on her rag. I just remember my pubes being caked in menstrual blood and how fucking nasty that was.

I abstain from sex when a bitch is ragging. That shit's just nasty.

luv
07-09-2010, 12:05 AM
Probably the very first time I fucked a girl on her rag. I just remember my pubes being caked in menstrual blood and how fucking nasty that was.

I abstain from sex when a bitch is ragging. That shit's just nasty.

I was going to say something in comparing your dick to the size of tampon, but I've decided not to.

Douche Baggins
07-09-2010, 12:11 AM
I'd fuck a girl on the rag just so I could show her this face:

http://i28.tinypic.com/25slf8g.jpg

T-post Tom
07-09-2010, 12:20 AM
http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/9781/clownpartyev2.gif

Getting some mileage out of this gif.

chasedude
07-09-2010, 06:27 AM
I'd **** a girl on the rag just so I could show her this face:

http://i28.tinypic.com/25slf8g.jpg

Sure you would :rolleyes:

Phobia
07-09-2010, 06:58 AM
Sex during the period is a lot better than no sex at all. So I've invested in red washcloths.

Douche Baggins
08-29-2010, 06:31 PM
What about the best sex you've ever had?

A couple weeks ago I had a breakthrough and it was pretty amazing. I was drenched in sweat. I don't think I'll ever forget it. Losing my v-card pales in comparison.

JOhn
08-29-2010, 06:32 PM
Looking in the pics forum I got to wondering. What is it? This is not a poll, but stories. What made it terrible?! Was it a fat body?... bad breath?... hj in front of your father?... a dead fish?... a blow up doll?... a vagrant you picked up down town?... bad hygiene?... blackmailed?... I was sober and she was a drunk Orca, but as desperate as you?...

Let's hear 'em.

Sorry if this is a repost, but things change day to day so f you.
This

go bowe
08-29-2010, 07:05 PM
No way in hell you stick in her ass and not know it.are you speaking from personal experience? ;) ;) ;)