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View Full Version : Poop Oh Shit! (My Monday morning horror story)


Dante84
09-13-2010, 11:28 AM
I dub this tale, "Monday Morning Miracle" - or - "Shit Out of Luck."


Sunday was spent enjoying Chipotle chips and guac, my brothers hot wings, Jalapeno poppers, followed up by a rousing dinner of tacos.

Needless to say, I knew I was in store for trouble today, but I had no clue to what degree.

This morning, I needed some coffee so I swung by QT on my way in to work...mistake number 1. As the morning progressed, I felt my guts getting bubblier and bubblier until I hit a full on boil. I thought I had until my lunch brake, but I realized that this was not a possibility.

Our office building shares 5 offices, all smaller businesses. There is probably 75 people in our building if it's operating max capacity. Theres a public restroom with three stalls, or on the lower level there is a private, handicap accessible restroom. This called for a private session. Thank God I chose this option.

I plop down, and no sooner do i sit than my insides explode. I spackled this poor toilet. I was about 3 inches out of the water when it was all said and done. I filled this mother.

So I get my wipe on, and naturally, it calls for some extra troops due to the viscosity of this excrement. We are dealing with a full toilet. Someone knocks, tries the door, but its locked. So now I am wondering if there is a line..... I'm getting nervous...

I flush, and begin to wash my hands. I keep an eye on the water level, and the Dinty Moore Beef Stew began to grow!!! The horror!!!

Luckily the water level evens at the rim and doesnt spill over. First bullet dodged. It slowly lowers down to about 25% full and stays. In any other situation, I would abort and retreat. But maybe there is a line outside??!! MAYBE ITS MY BOSS??!!!??! MAYBE ITS THE HOT CHICK IN OUR OFFICE???!!!111!!!

I notice a cabinet... I pray....

I open the cabinet - THE PLUNGER IS THERE! "Yes!" I thought. I begin to plunge, but with the slightest of pressure because I don't want the person/boss/hotgirl to hear me plunging away and splish splashing my mud gravy all around.

As I begin to plunge, I notice that the plunger starts to invert, rendering it useless. It actually creates a bowl, and fills with my Cambells Vegetable Beef. Now, I'm really scared. I tip the plunger so the bowl empties back into the pot.

At this point, my biggest fear is the plunger re-verting, flinging this poo-sludge all over the white walls, my white shirt, thus causing irreparable damage. I use the rim of the toilet to delicately re-vert the plunger, and it works.

Now I take the cover off the toilet back, so when i flush, if it fills, I can pull the arm up and stop the flow (this ain't my first rodeo). I set the cover on the sink, and pray it doesnt fall.

I flush!

It fills......... and then swallows at the last moment before I dive my hand into the back of the public toilet!!! THANK GOD. So now I have to put everything in its place. As I turn to put the plunger back into the cabinet, i feel my hip bump something.

I turn my head just in time to see the cover slide off the sink!!!! I throw a foot out and use my spare hand to catch this bastard. It rivaled that scene from "The Rock." Everything was in slow motion, and it bottom lands vertically on my shoe, and my hand is just able to grab the top side. I breathe.

I am able to fix the room back to normal, save the smell.

I open the door.....







and no one is there.
I sneak upstairs.
Go in my office.

Safe.


And here I am now. Close fucking call.

Chiefs will win.

58-4ever
09-13-2010, 11:32 AM
Hahahahaha!! Good story. I needed that laugh.

Dayze
09-13-2010, 11:32 AM
lol.
"Viscosity of this excrement"

kepp
09-13-2010, 11:33 AM
This was about Cassel, wasn't it?

the Talking Can
09-13-2010, 11:35 AM
that is brilliant re-imagining of Cassel's performance tonight...which means we win, in spite almost clogging arrowhead with shit

the Talking Can
09-13-2010, 11:35 AM
This was about Cassel, wasn't it?

:cuss:

was it that obvious?

Iowanian
09-13-2010, 11:35 AM
Did crapnel chunks just hit my nipple?

KCUnited
09-13-2010, 11:35 AM
I pooped to Phil Collins In The Air Tonight today in the company bathroom, which ironically is the same song Dante Hall used to listen to before every Chiefs game, your name is Dante. Omen, I think so.

Reaper16
09-13-2010, 11:37 AM
A metaphor for tonight's game, mayhaps?

kepp
09-13-2010, 11:38 AM
Did crapnel chunks just hit my nipple?

ROFL "crapnel"

DaFace
09-13-2010, 11:41 AM
Dude...you need to learn the art of the courtesy flush. That goes a long way toward preventing clogged pipes in a situation like this. Nice visual descriptors, though.

Deberg_1990
09-13-2010, 11:41 AM
Why is Jones starting over Charles tonight???

HotRoute
09-13-2010, 11:42 AM
I read this as I pooped, mistake free

seclark
09-13-2010, 11:45 AM
Nice visual descriptors, though.

yeah, they were great. timing was good too.
i just threw a pulled pork sammie and 2 brownies out the back door to the stray cats.

i know, i know...the thread should have warned me.
sec

Dante84
09-13-2010, 11:47 AM
Dude...you need to learn the art of the courtesy flush. That goes a long way toward preventing clogged pipes in a situation like this. Nice visual descriptors, though.

If there had been a break between turds, it would have been in the cards.

Have you ever been to 7-11 and over filled a slushy cup?

We were not dealing with your run-o'-the-mill deuce session.

Munson
09-13-2010, 11:56 AM
Next time, give yourself a courtesy flush or two, and you won't have such a close call.

vailpass
09-13-2010, 11:58 AM
Well-executed poop thread.
Yet another reason why it's sometimes good to work out of a home office.

Bump
09-13-2010, 11:59 AM
I dub this tale, "Monday Morning Miracle" - or - "Shit Out of Luck."


Sunday was spent enjoying Chipotle chips and guac, my brothers hot wings, Jalapeno poppers, followed up by a rousing dinner of tacos.

Needless to say, I knew I was in store for trouble today, but I had no clue to what degree.

This morning, I needed some coffee so I swung by QT on my way in to work...mistake number 1. As the morning progressed, I felt my guts getting more and more bubbly until I hit a full on boil. I thought I had until my lunch break, but I realized that this was not a possibility.

Our office building shares 5 offices, all smaller businesses. There is probably 75 people in our building if it's operating max capacity. Theres a public restroom with three stalls, or on the lower level there is a private, handicap accessible restroom. This called for a private session. Thank God I chose this option.

I plop down, and no sooner do i sit than my insides explode. I spackled this poor toilet. I was about 3 inches out of the water when it was all said and done. I filled this mother.

So I get my wipe on, and naturally, it calls for some extra troops due to the viscosity of this excrement. We are dealing with a full toilet. Someone knocks, tries the door, but it's locked. So now I am wondering if there is a line..... I'm getting nervous...

I flush, and begin to wash my hands. I keep an eye on the water level, and the Dinty Moore Beef Stew began to grow!!! The horror!!!

Luckily the water level evened at the rim and doesn't spill over. First bullet dodged. It slowly lowers down to about 25% full and stays. In any other situation, I would abort and retreat. But maybe there is a line outside??!! MAYBE ITS MY BOSS??!!!??! MAYBE IT'S THE HOT CHICK IN OUR OFFICE???!!!111!!!

I notice a cabinet... I pray....

I open the cabinet - THE PLUNGER IS THERE! "Yes!" I thought. I begin to plunge, but with the slightest of pressure because I don't want the person/boss/hotgirl to hear me plunging away and splish splashing my mud gravy all around.

As I begin to plunge, I notice that the plunger starts to invert, rendering it useless. It actually creates a bowl, and fills with my Campbell's Vegetable Beef. Now, I'm really scared. I tip the plunger so the bowl empties back into the pot.

At this point, my biggest fear is the plunger reverting, flinging this poo-sludge all over the white walls, my white shirt, thus causing irreparable damage. I use the rim of the toilet to delicately re-vert the plunger, and it works.

Now I take the cover off the toilet back, so when i flush, if it fills, I can pull the arm up and stop the flow (this ain't my first rodeo). I set the cover on the sink, and pray it doesn't fall.

I flush!

It fills......... and then swallows at the last moment before I dive my hand into the back of the public toilet!!! THANK GOD. So now I have to put everything in its place. As I turn to put the plunger back into the cabinet, i feel my hip bump something.

I turn my head just in time to see the cover slide off the sink!!!! I throw a foot out and use my spare hand to catch this bastard. It rivaled that scene from "The Rock." Everything was in slow motion, and it bottom lands vertically on my shoe, and my hand is just able to grab the top side. I breathe.

I am able to fix the room back to normal, save the smell.

I open the door.....







and no one is there.
I sneak upstairs.
Go in my office.

Safe.


And here I am now. Close ****ing call.

Chiefs will win.

FYP

Reaper16
09-13-2010, 12:00 PM
Yet another reason why it's sometimes good to work out of a home office.
Shit, if I were working from home I'd just build a desk around the toilet. Cuts out the walking to-and-from.

penguinz
09-13-2010, 12:06 PM
FYPYou need to double-check. You did not get all the errors.

Bump
09-13-2010, 12:16 PM
You need to double-check. You did not get all the errors.

Rules of Engagement:
1. Misspelling a word will result in a correction.
2. I can recognize when a word is misspelled on purpose and I will not correct it.
3. Minor grammatical infractions will not be corrected, unless I am already correcting your post for another infraction.
4. Minor grammatical infractions include, but are not limited to:
A. Improper use of punctuation (missing comma, period, too many periods or commas, etc.)
B. Jargon, proper nouns, internet slang, abbreviations, acronyms and initialisms.
C. Capitalization
5. I will not be biased when I choose to correct a post. Everyone is subject to a correction.
6. When a correction is made, if an error has been overlooked, I intended to overlook it.

the Talking Can
09-13-2010, 12:16 PM
working at a university is the best, you are never more than 100 ft from a toilet anywhere on campus, and usually it is deserted...just head up to the second floor of any building and it is the land of lost crappers...

penguinz
09-13-2010, 12:24 PM
Rules of Engagement:
1. Misspelling a word will result in a correction.
2. I can recognize when a word is misspelled on purpose and I will not correct it.
3. Minor grammatical infractions will not be corrected, unless I am already correcting your post for another infraction.
4. Minor grammatical infractions include, but are not limited to:
A. Improper use of punctuation (missing comma, period, too many periods or commas, etc.)
B. Jargon, proper nouns, internet slang, abbreviations, acronyms and initialisms.
C. Capitalization
5. I will not be biased when I choose to correct a post. Everyone is subject to a correction.
6. When a correction is made, if an error has been overlooked, I intended to overlook it.So 6 overrides 3?

Sweet Daddy Hate
09-13-2010, 12:24 PM
ROFL

Funny shit. literally.

Bane
09-13-2010, 12:26 PM
ROFL

Funny shit. literally.

Shit yeah!!!:D

Bump
09-13-2010, 12:26 PM
So 6 overrides 3?

Yes, of course.

Dante84
09-13-2010, 12:34 PM
I typically take great care with my thread creation. I was very frazzled.

I also wanted to keep the tone very conversational; sometimes that means grammar goes by the wayside. That doesn't excuse all the errors, but should be considered for some.

Also, blow me.

Sweet Daddy Hate
09-13-2010, 12:50 PM
I typically take great care with my thread creation. I was very frazzled.

I also wanted to keep the tone very conversational; sometimes that means grammar goes by the wayside. That doesn't excuse all the errors, but should be considered for some.

Also, blow me.

LMAO

Goldmember
09-13-2010, 12:52 PM
So you were the one that made McCluster sick! :cuss:

vailpass
09-13-2010, 02:12 PM
Shit, if I were working from home I'd just build a desk around the toilet. Cuts out the walking to-and-from.

:D

Frazod
09-13-2010, 02:20 PM
This thread needs more fiber.

LMAO

Dante84
09-13-2010, 02:21 PM
It definitely needs less burst. / office toilet

ChiefsNow
09-13-2010, 02:32 PM
Did you look in the cabinet to see if there was a spoon next to where the inverted bowl plunger was ??

Sweet Daddy Hate
09-14-2010, 03:09 AM
It definitely needs less burst. / office toilet

ROFL

Dante84
09-14-2010, 08:49 AM
I'd like to say that my anus called last nights victory.