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FAX
10-19-2010, 10:02 PM
October 19, 2010 (Yahoo Sports) - Kansas City Chiefs

In his brief coaching career, Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach Todd Haley has already made his reputation as a risk-taker, a gambler, and an innovator. His willingness to use the on-side kick to open games and leave the offense on the field on fourth downs have put opposing coaches throughout the NFL on the defensive. During practices, he has introduced the Porta-Potty drill and taken his team to the movies. Now, Haley is once again demonstrating that his will to win knows no bounds - in this universe, or any other.

The second-year head coach is now demanding more than weight-loss and gassers from his players - he is requiring that his players engage in "Quantum Jumping" in order to gain a competitive advantage on the competition. During Quantum Jumping, the "jumper" puts himself in a meditative state, then enters one of the many alternate universes postulated in quantum physics. Since there are an infinite number of these alternate universes, one of them is bound to have the Kansas City Chiefs in the Super Bowl this year and that's the universe Haley's most interested in, "Mainly, I want our players to understand that this universe isn't the be-all and end-all of existence.", says Haley. "When these guys return from the universe where we are a good team, they'll begin to understand what it feels like to win those tough games on the road."

Haley has taken the lead from Charlie Weis, the Chiefs' new offensive coordinator who brought the idea with him from the hospital after having gall bladder surgery earlier in the season. "I had an out-of-body experience after surgery where I went to someplace - I don't know where - that had a quarterback who could get the job done right.", says Weis. "When I talked to Todd about it, he asked if it was possible to go back and I said 'heck if I know'. It all started from there."

Chiefs quarterback, Matt Cassel has been under fire lately for what many fans and league observers believe to be a disappointing start to the season. Haley has now decided that Quantum Jumping may be able to help his embattled quarterback improve his performance. "We have Matt visiting a ton of universes and we're looking for one where his decision-making and footwork is a little better.", Haley said. "So far, we haven't found one but we're not going to give up on it. Hopefully, an alternate Matt is seeing the field a little better and getting the ball out a little quicker."

Cassel was unavailable for comment because, according to Weis, "Number 7 is in the back trying to astral project and get us a win someplace."

FAX

Chief_in_Commander
10-19-2010, 10:09 PM
not sure what to say......

TRR
10-19-2010, 10:10 PM
This post is fucking stupid. You have too much time on your hands.
Posted via Mobile Device

Count Alex's Wins
10-19-2010, 10:15 PM
I believe that I quantum jumped the night I got laid.

However, seeing as that universe also contained a shitty Chiefs team (the Chiefs were shitty before I got laid), we have to assume that there is a disproportionate number of universes with shitty Chiefs teams.

This year, with the Chiefs and Rangers both winning their divisons, we can only assume at some point I quantum jumped into another universe - especially since I continue to get laid.

The point is that it took a lot of quantum jumping for me to find a universe in which I both get laid and both of my teams are winning at the same time.

I'm not sure a universe exists where I get laid, the Rangers go to the World series, the Chiefs put together a winning team AND do it with Matt Cassel elevating his game.

There are only so many universes.

Hug it Out Dan
10-19-2010, 10:16 PM
what in the fuck did i just read?

FAX
10-19-2010, 10:27 PM
This post is ****ing stupid. You have too much time on your hands.
Posted via Mobile Device

Hmmm. You're probably right, Mr. TRR.

The article was probably too lengthy and I should have included the quotes from Gopher Women of the Moon.

FAX

BossChief
10-19-2010, 10:27 PM
wheres that umm wut pear when we need it?

DaneMcCloud
10-19-2010, 11:00 PM
This post is fucking stupid. You have too much time on your hands.
Posted via Mobile Device

Hypocrisy at its finest

tk13
10-19-2010, 11:04 PM
I think we're missing the real question here. Do we have alternate jerseys in these universes, or not?

BossChief
10-19-2010, 11:04 PM
I'm surprised he hasn't posted in my "Lets talk about Cassels improvements" thread yet...I figured he would live in there...

R&GHomer
10-19-2010, 11:04 PM
what in the **** did i just read?

:shrug::bong: might help

Chiefs=Good
10-19-2010, 11:05 PM
I must admit, for a split second i thought this was a real article, my hat is off to you for that Mr. Fax. The rest? not so much..

Chiefs=Good
10-19-2010, 11:06 PM
I think we're missing the real question here. Do we have alternate jerseys in these universes, or not?

And does alternative reality Charles get more carries?

DaneMcCloud
10-19-2010, 11:07 PM
And does alternative reality Charles get more carries?

Less.

If Cassel is better, Charles is worse.

Balance.

tk13
10-19-2010, 11:10 PM
In one of the alternate universes, Carl Peterson goes back in time to give young Carl a book on sports betting. Carl gets rich and obtains ultimate control of the Chiefs, and never has to resign. He also sends Marty off to boarding school and tries to shoot him.

FAX
10-19-2010, 11:19 PM
I must admit, for a split second i thought this was a real article, my hat is off to you for that Mr. Fax. The rest? not so much..

Well, I have long accepted the fact that my threads suck, Mr. Chiefs=Good. In fact, most of my best, all-time efforts are permanently stored in the ChiefsPlanet Hall of Disasters.

I figured, however, that this article would foster some interesting discussion on the subjects of quantum mechanics, spiritualism, and the effect of proper ball placement on receiver confidence. I was kind of hoping, in fact, that this would be a 100 poster. It appears my judgment was also in error in this regard, but deep down in my heart of hearts I can accept that.

What saddens me most of all is the fact that I must finally come to recognize that my journalistic skills also leave a lot to be desired. I'm beginning to think that I don't belong in this here universe.

FAX

Tylerthigpen!1!
10-19-2010, 11:25 PM
Well, I have long accepted the fact that my threads suck, Mr. Chiefs=Good. In fact, most of my best, all-time efforts are permanently stored in the ChiefsPlanet Hall of Disasters.

I figured, however, that this article would foster some interesting discussion on the subjects of quantum mechanics, spiritualism, and the effect of proper ball placement on receiver confidence. I was kind of hoping, in fact, that this would be a 100 poster. It appears my judgment was also in error in this regard, but deep down in my heart of hearts I can accept that.

What saddens me most of all is the fact that I must finally come to recognize that my journalistic skills also leave a lot to be desired. I'm beginning to think that I don't belong in this here universe.

FAX

Actually I think your journalistic skills are spot on. That sounded like an article.

Direckshun
10-19-2010, 11:30 PM
Brilliant work, FAX.

Reminds me of this piece by the Onion:

<iframe frameborder="no" width="480" height="270" scrolling="no" src="http://www.theonion.com/video_embed/?id=14266"></iframe><br /><a href="http://www.theonion.com/video/pregame-coin-toss-makes-jacksonville-jaguars-reali,14266/" target="_blank" title="Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life">Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life</a>

FAX
10-19-2010, 11:33 PM
Actually I think your journalistic skills are spot on. That sounded like an article.

Thanks, Mr. Tylerthigpen!1!. I sincerely appreciate the sentiment and the time it took to write that post. But, nothing's going to change my mind. I have to face the fact that, apparently, there's been some sort of terrible mistake made at the ethereal level and I was born in the wrong damn universe.

I've already ordered the DVD and the handbook off the website and, as soon as UPS delivers them, I'm jumping. Farewell, Mr. Tylerthigpen!1! and farewell to all. Wish me luck and here's to hoping that I land in a decent universe this time.

FAX

SNR
10-19-2010, 11:35 PM
"So far, we haven't found one but we're not going to give up on it. Hopefully, an alternate Matt is seeing the field a little better and getting the ball out a little quicker."
This is my favorite part

yhf
10-19-2010, 11:36 PM
I have had my suspicions for awhile but this settles it, Thomas Motherfucking Pynchon is a Chiefs fan. If Mr. fax aint him then I will kiss your ass and give you twenty minutes to draw a crowd.

Well maybe Mr. fax is Tom Robbins, but that's the only other possibility.

Regardless, we should all count ourselves blessed to hold court with one of the great literary minds of a generation.

alnorth
10-19-2010, 11:41 PM
Well, I have long accepted the fact that my threads suck, Mr. Chiefs=Good. In fact, most of my best, all-time efforts are permanently stored in the ChiefsPlanet Hall of Disasters.

I figured, however, that this article would foster some interesting discussion on the subjects of quantum mechanics, spiritualism, and the effect of proper ball placement on receiver confidence. I was kind of hoping, in fact, that this would be a 100 poster. It appears my judgment was also in error in this regard, but deep down in my heart of hearts I can accept that.

What saddens me most of all is the fact that I must finally come to recognize that my journalistic skills also leave a lot to be desired. I'm beginning to think that I don't belong in this here universe.

FAX

Well I for one enjoyed your efforts. It was more entertaining than... I'd estimate about 99.93856% of the entire internet. Wait, I forgot porn. 30%

BigRock
10-19-2010, 11:45 PM
Theorizing that the Chiefs could win football teams within his own lifetime, Coach Todd Haley stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator... and vanished.

He awoke to find himself trapped in Kansas City, facing a roster of fat players that were not his own, and driven by an unknown force to change the team for the better.

His only guide on this journey is Scott; an observer from New England, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Todd can see and hear.

And so, Coach Haley finds himself leaping from game to game, striving to put right what always goes wrong, and hoping each time that his next win will fill the seats at home.

ILikeBigTiddys
10-19-2010, 11:46 PM
Ridiculous

stevieray
10-19-2010, 11:49 PM
"ground control to major tom"

KC Tattoo
10-19-2010, 11:59 PM
Thanks to Mr. Fax making us aware of the zombie turtle problem I have avoided them & kept my family safe. I don't know if there is still a problem with them but I'm not taking any chances.

His insite and thoughtfullness is much apreciated. Keep up the good work Mr. Fax, I look forward to your every post.



As for the OP by Mr. Fax, good work again. It would be high risk high reward for this quantum leap to work. IIRC there was this guy named Sam and he had a friend named Al, they were quantum leapers, maybe they could work out some of the issues Chiefs may have cuz it seams like it would be a process...

Tylerthigpen!1!
10-20-2010, 12:02 AM
Thanks, Mr. Tylerthigpen!1!. I sincerely appreciate the sentiment and the time it took to write that post. But, nothing's going to change my mind. I have to face the fact that, apparently, there's been some sort of terrible mistake made at the ethereal level and I was born in the wrong damn universe.

I've already ordered the DVD and the handbook off the website and, as soon as UPS delivers them, I'm jumping. Farewell, Mr. Tylerthigpen!1! and farewell to all. Wish me luck and here's to hoping that I land in a decent universe this time.

FAX

Remember me!