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Count Alex's Losses
12-22-2010, 03:22 PM
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare... You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!!

Jenson71
12-22-2010, 03:37 PM
Every year, I always want egg nog. So I buy a quart, take a sip, remember how disgusting it is, and throw the rest out.

I think I'll buy some later tonight.

Detoxing
12-22-2010, 03:40 PM
Every year, I always want egg nog. So I buy a quart, take a sip, remember how disgusting it is, and throw the rest out.

I think I'll buy some later tonight.

I did the same thing for awhile.

Then I realized that the shit sold in stores is not eggnog. It's vomit.

Try making it yourself with fresh ingredients. That's eggnog.

Chief Chief
12-22-2010, 03:40 PM
With Tip #3 above being the exception, my Holiday Eating Tips list is quite different. But...well...my GF's surname is Holiday, so that's probably why.

salame
12-22-2010, 03:44 PM
Every year, I always want egg nog. So I buy a quart, take a sip, remember how disgusting it is, and throw the rest out.

I think I'll buy some later tonight.

I did this a week ago lol

Stewie
12-22-2010, 03:54 PM
Mashed potatoes at the holidays should be made with half and half at a minimum. Whole milk in mashers is for pussies.

Hog Farmer
12-22-2010, 04:33 PM
I always have eggnog on Christmas morning. Of course it mixed with Beefeater but hey, It's Christmas.

Slainte
12-22-2010, 04:52 PM
So which cast member of "The View" wrote this when she was feeling particularly jaunty?

DA_T_84
12-22-2010, 05:33 PM
My boss got a quart of eggnog and polished it off in one day last week. So gross.

He's also not obese, so that's even more confusing.

LaChapelle
12-22-2010, 05:45 PM
They should really make chocolate eggnog
they you can drunk fuck grandmas too

stlchiefs
12-22-2010, 07:54 PM
They should really make chocolate eggnog
they you can drunk **** grandmas too

They do. I also saw pumpkin and strawberry at the grocery store too. I like eggnog, but those other flavors sound gross. Stick with the original.

Count Alex's Losses
12-22-2010, 07:56 PM
Whoa, they have chocolate eggnog?

What's it like?

I don't even like regular eggnog but that sounds good.

Hoover
12-22-2010, 08:13 PM
You just don't know how to make good glazed carrots. Bacon and pecans make them a great sweet and savory side dish.

mlyonsd
12-22-2010, 08:52 PM
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.



Uhh, if you don't make holiday mashed potatoes with real butter and real cream you're a DA and should have your kitchen pass revoked.

alnorth
12-22-2010, 09:35 PM
Every year, I always want egg nog. So I buy a quart, take a sip, remember how disgusting it is, and throw the rest out.

I think I'll buy some later tonight.

Thats... that is just wrong. If you dont like it, dont buy it, you are driving up the price for people like me who actually love it. The only reason I dont drink a glass every day is because I know how horrible it is for my health, but I do go nuts at christmas.

Eggnog... mmmmm.....

Guru
12-22-2010, 11:18 PM
With Tip #3 above being the exception, my Holiday Eating Tips list is quite different. But...well...my GF's surname is Holiday, so that's probably why.ROFL:thumb:

'Hamas' Jenkins
12-22-2010, 11:21 PM
http://i36.tinypic.com/1z70zsp.gif