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whoaskew
02-25-2011, 01:38 PM
Background:


I met a landlord earlier this month at eviction court. Let's caller her Ms. Thomas.

Ms. Thomas has to be 80+ and got destroyed in court by her ex-tenant she was evicting. Lost her case where she claimed damages, due to the 40+ pictures that the tenant had proving the bad condition of the property when she moved in 3 months prior.

The tenant even had a letter written from Ms. Thomas's handyman, on his company letterhead, stating that Ms. Thomas hadn't paid him in months. He provided a list of all of the things that were wrong with the property that he didn't fix because he didn't receive payment.

The pics, the letter, and the fact that Ms. Thomas's math skills left a lot to be desired (she was asking for damages of a specific dollar amount, but couldn't tell the judge a itemization of the damages that matched the total she requested), made it pretty easy for the judge to dismiss her case against the tenant.



After court, I spoke with Ms. Thomas, and her adult son (let's call him Clarence) who "helps" her manage her properties. I told them that if they were interesting in selling them to give me a call.


The next day I received a call from her, and she told me about 10 of her vacant units (4 duplexes and 2 single family homes).


I told her I could give her the full asking price for each property (owner financing) and I would take them all in their current condition, and I would only need to meet with them for about 30 minutes to sign some paperwork to get the process started.


Of course she was thrilled, and told me to call Clarence, since he could provide me access to each property, and I could explain the details about everything to him.


I speak with Clarence, and while he seemed interested in helping his mother, it was pretty obvious that he had no sense of urgency.

After all, he doesn't receive any money from the properties. His basic response was that his family has too much going on right now to worry about the properties, so I should check back with them in a few months.

It has since been a few weeks since I last spoke with Clarence. I plan to call Ms. Thomas this weekend and need a script that will push enough of her buttons so that she can be the one instilling a sense of urgency in her son.



I know that the planet has some pretty smart people, so please offer your suggestions on how to improve my script.



Script forthcoming....

whoaskew
02-25-2011, 01:39 PM
This is what I have so far:



Hello Ms. Thomas

I had left myself a note to touch bases with you, since it has been a couple weeks since we last spoke.

I was just following up with you to let you know I did keep my promise to call your Clarence.


I reminded him what me and you discussed, that we would be handling the headaches for you concerning the properties.

Right now, we would even be willing to take care of the expected repair costs since this is the slow time of the year for our workers, and the sooner the place is ready and has a tenant in it, the sooner we both start receiving income each month.

He made it pretty clear that right now you have too much going on to meet with me for the 30 minutes it would take.


Now, even if I could afford to have that many properties sitting empty all at once, I wouldn't want to miss my only opportunity to have someone else pay the high costs of fixing them all up. But that's just me.


Either way, it will take at least 3 months to get them fixed up and rented, whether we start the process now or later on this year.


We could start the fix up part now at our expense, so that you could begin receiving income sooner.

Or if you can afford them all being vacant, we can check back with you in 4 or 5 months, but you have to help with the fix up costs during our busy time of the year.


I will be happy to do it whichever way you prefer.

AustinChief
02-25-2011, 01:54 PM
This is what I have so far:



Hello Ms. Thomas

I had left myself a note to touch bases with you, since it has been a couple weeks since we last spoke.

I was just following up with you to let you know I did keep my promise to call your Clarence.


I reminded him what YOU AND I discussed, that we would be handling the headaches for you concerning the properties.

Right now, we would even be willing to take care of the expected repair costs since this is the slow time of the year for our workers, and the sooner the place is ready and has a tenant in it, the sooner we both start receiving income each month.

He made it pretty clear that right now you have too much going on to meet with me for the 30 minutes it would take.


Now, even if I could afford to have that many properties sitting empty all at once, I wouldn't want to miss my only opportunity to have someone else pay the high costs of fixing them all up. But that's just me.


Either way, it will take at least 3 months to get them fixed up and rented, whether we start the process now or later on this year.


We could start the fix up part now at our expense, so that you could begin receiving income sooner.

Or if you can afford them all being vacant, we can check back with you in 4 or 5 months, but you have to help with the fix up costs during our busy time of the year.


I will be happy to do it whichever way you prefer.
....

Detoxing
02-25-2011, 02:02 PM
This is what I have so far:



Hello Ms. Thomas

I had left myself a note to touch bases with you, since it has been a couple weeks since we last spoke.

I was just following up with you to let you know I did keep my promise to call your Clarence.


I reminded him what you and I discussed, that we would be handling the headaches for you concerning the properties.

However, your Clarence does not have your best interest in heart and doesn't wanna get his slow ass in gear. This is bothersome to me.

Ms. Thomas, unless you want to be a scummy slum lord who only rents to cheap crack whores and illegals, I suggest you get your shit together and put a stiff boot up Clarence's ass. I'm doing YOU a favor. Don't forget that. Im dangling this cock out in front of you and you better hurry up, take your teeth out and suck it, cuz this shit ain't sucking itself.

If you can't seem to find a sense of urgency regarding this matter, I'll bring "the man" down on your ass so hard you'll be so broke that you'll be selling yourself to your ex-tenants just to make rent..IF i even decide to rent to your old, broke ass.

Coo? We on the same page now?

Aight then, bitch, Im out.

And I 'spect to be seein' them papers...like yesterday.

That should do it. Oh..and you're welcome.

Pestilence
02-25-2011, 02:06 PM
That should do it. Oh..and you're welcome.

ROFL

Scorp
02-25-2011, 02:14 PM
Dear Madam,

Confidential Business Proposal

Having consulted with my colleagues and based on the information gathered from the Nigerian Chambers Of Commerce And Industry, I have the privilege to request your assistance to transfer the sum of $47,500,000.00 (forty seven million, five hundred thousand United States dollars) into your accounts. The above sum resulted from an over-invoiced contract, executed, commissioned and paid for about five years (5) ago by a foreign contractor. This action was however intentional and since then the fund has been in a suspense account at The Central Bank Of Nigeria Apex Bank.

We are now ready to transfer the fund overseas and that is where you come in. It is important to inform you that as civil servants, we are forbidden to operate a foreign account; that is why we require your assistance. The total sum will be shared as follows: 70% for us, 25% for you and 5% for local and international expenses incidental to the transfer.

The transfer is risk free on both sides. I am an accountant with the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). If you find this proposal acceptable, we shall require the following documents:

(a) your banker's name, telephone, account and fax numbers.

(b) your private telephone and fax numbers —for confidentiality and easy communication.

(c) your letter-headed paper stamped and signed.

Alternatively we will furnish you with the text of what to type into your letter-headed paper, along with a breakdown explaining, comprehensively what we require of you. The business will take us thirty (30) working days to accomplish.

Please reply urgently.

Best regards

DMAC
02-25-2011, 02:26 PM
How about:

Ms. Thomas,

I'm sorry Ms. Thomas [OOOH]
I am for real
Never meant to make your Clarence cry
I apologize a trillion times

Saulbadguy
02-25-2011, 02:38 PM
tl;dr

bowener
02-25-2011, 02:59 PM
Just tell her that her useless son is waiting on her to die so that he gets to keep all the chedda for himself... if he sells to you.

Jamie
02-25-2011, 04:35 PM
Send her a picture of yourself standing outside her house holding two shotguns.

Gonzo
02-25-2011, 04:51 PM
All work and no play makes whoaskew a dull boy.
Posted via Mobile Device

whoaskew
02-25-2011, 07:08 PM
That should do it. Oh..and you're welcome.


Dude, you're my hero. And I don't tell people shit like that LMAO LMAO

whoaskew
02-25-2011, 07:21 PM
....


Thanks.

I'll try to remember that.


How about:

Ms. Thomas,

I'm sorry Ms. Thomas [OOOH]
I am for real
Never meant to make your Clarence cry
I apologize a trillion times



You might have a hit on your hands




tl;dr


??


Send her a picture of yourself standing outside her house holding two shotguns.


Forget that, in this market the shotguns would cost more than the houses.

CrazyPhuD
02-25-2011, 07:34 PM
You just need to make the "Riding Ms. Thomas" version it would likely be an easier sell.