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View Full Version : Funny Stuff Why I'm probably going to Hell


The_Doctor10
04-14-2011, 06:40 PM
This week, my university's student newspaper ran its annual spoof issue. This was a pain because usually the stuff's not that funny, and it's obscenely difficult to write funny fake shit, in my experience. Making fun of shit is fine, but the Onion-style sports isn't easy.

I should also mention I've spent the last 7 months working as the sports editor for this paper. It has been, far and away, the easiest 100 bucks a week I've ever made. I'm relatively certain I make 35 dollars an hour.

Point being, I was under the assumption I'd only have to fill 1 page for a shortened issue. Then on production night: "Oh... we're doing a 24-page, we need an extra article". Fine. So this is what I gave them. I'm probably going to burn for it.


So during the Vancouver Olympics last February, I was sitting in the Zoo watching something obscure. Maybe it was ski cross. I know I was enraptured by it. But as I sat there watching the best underfunded athletes in the world make me feel better about myself and my country, it occurred to me that I didn’t know if the Paralympics allowed for the participation of the mentally handicapped.

What was admittedly a silly idea got sillier. Of course it’s absurd to think that because one person is blind and the other has Downs syndrome, there is enough of a handicap on both sides to make for an interesting cross-country ski race. But then also consider that dogsledding isn’t an Olympic sport. Maybe you can guess where this is going. Or maybe you’re a decent person and the thought never occurred to you.

Let’s face it, the Paralympics and the Special Olympics are weird events. The Paralympics always leave me feeling underwhelmed; like, if only that guy could move his legs, he’d be riding shotgun with Sidney Crosby instead of captaining the sledge hockey team. I’m forced to ask why the blind are allowed to compete in the biathlon, and question whether or not every single one-legged skier was involved in a shark attack and now pursue the downhill to prevent any further contact with the ocean.

The Special Olympics are even worse. I feel like a horrible person because these people are overcoming a horrible hand dealt to them by a vengeful god/bad luck, and I still just wish that they’d stop showing this stuff so I can continue to pretend mentally disabled people only exist in Narnia.

If you feel this article has been in bad taste to this point, I wholeheartedly encourage you to stop reading right now, because it’s only going to get worse. The eventual result of my random musing about the participation standards of the handi-capable Olympics was the creation of a bizarre, unholy, potentially evil but nonetheless laugh-till-you-cry inducing sport called Downs-sledding. ‘What is Downs-sledding?’ I hear you ask. ‘It sounds like something you’d go to Hell for,’ you say. Probably, and almost assuredly once you know what it is.

Essentially, Downs-sledding is a Winter Olympic event that utilizes the vast physical strength of the mentally disabled. Off to a winning start, I know. It gets better. Or worse.

Sorted according to nationality, obviously, are teams of six afflicted individuals. In this event, gender isn’t particularly an issue. The event involves harnessing these individuals to a dog sled, which is driven by a blind musher. I’m awfully fixated on the blind for some reason; I think it’s because I’m in awe that anyone could perform at a high level athletically without the aid of eyesight.

Anyway. Downs-sledding: the sport where the blind whip the mentally challenged in sprint races of 100, 400 and 1600 meters. And we’re all FAR more uncomfortable than usual when watching either of these events.

One other thing. Should the deaf be allowed to compete in the Paralympics? Apparently they can’t. Which makes sense, they can’t hear. They can’t not lift weights or run or skate. But if they’re deaf and figure skating, they can’t hear the music. So we should make them perform their programs to an elaborately-choreographed laser light show. Because you don’t need to hear lasers.

If this was the first time you read the sports this year, I’m very sorry. It was less evil the rest of the year, I promise. But at this point, if I haven’t gotten in trouble for Slut of the Week, I don’t know how much trouble I can realistically get into for talking about a sport wherein the blind whip the retarded for the purpose of winning a race. God have mercy on my soul.

Have a great summer everyone.

-King-
04-14-2011, 06:43 PM
Break that up some more and I might read it.

The_Doctor10
04-14-2011, 06:46 PM
Break that up some more and I might read it.

Sorry, my bad. There you go.

WhitiE
04-14-2011, 06:46 PM
not sure why I read all that

Superturtle
04-14-2011, 06:47 PM
Downssledding? That would actually be quite amusing.

Bump
04-14-2011, 06:49 PM
tl;dr

shirtsleeve
04-14-2011, 06:50 PM
TTIUWOP of said event...and thats how you burn for it..

just sayin. Pics would make the article.

Rain Man
04-14-2011, 06:53 PM
So where are you going to transfer to?

bevischief
04-14-2011, 06:55 PM
Can you see the void stuff with those glasses?

The_Doctor10
04-14-2011, 07:01 PM
So where are you going to transfer to?

Free speech, man. And as I graduate in December, I'm pretty sure the worst that could happen is that they wouldn't re-hire me to a position I haven't applied to.

seclark
04-14-2011, 07:03 PM
i'm not here to say that's going to send you to hell, but if you are really getting paid to produce that shit, then you're stealing too.

sec

Saul Good
04-14-2011, 07:06 PM
Having no sense of humor isn't a sin.

bevischief
04-14-2011, 07:08 PM
I don't think too many on here are going to understand your avatar. Been a fan for almost 20 years. Can't wait for the new season six.

DA_T_84
04-14-2011, 07:11 PM
You should have saved everyone time and just filled the page with a huge "Meh."

bevischief
04-14-2011, 07:18 PM
If something remembered it can can back...

Hog Farmer
04-14-2011, 07:55 PM
I read the first three words and called it quits !

bevischief
04-14-2011, 08:22 PM
The cybermen and Dalek are disappointed.

patteeu
04-14-2011, 08:50 PM
I laughed. Maybe I'll see you there.

CHENZ A!
04-14-2011, 08:52 PM
That was so unfunny it literally hurt to read. No offense, I'm not a comedic writer either.

Demonpenz
04-14-2011, 08:53 PM
I thought it was pretty good, but my I suck at writing anything funny

Phobia
04-14-2011, 08:54 PM
I'm not a comedic writer either.

Hahahaha - yes you are.

Psyko Tek
04-14-2011, 11:39 PM
I could see where you were going from the start,
maybe a tad to slow to develop
downs-sledding has decent potential
and blind sharp shootin
dieing is easy
comedy is hard


you just put the little packets in the tub and add water

kysirsoze
04-15-2011, 01:53 AM
I don't think too many on here are going to understand your avatar. Been a fan for almost 20 years. Can't wait for the new season six.

What, you think there aren't Dr. Who nerds around? You know this is the internet..... right?

JOhn
04-15-2011, 03:32 AM
What, you think there aren't Dr. Who nerds around? You know this is the internet..... right?

:thumb:

Sofa King
04-15-2011, 07:25 AM
I laughed at parts.

Fish
04-15-2011, 09:05 AM
Poor attempt at "shock jock" humor. I don't have a problem laughing at other people's misfortune sometimes. But this missed the mark. It came off as an attempt to be as insensitive as possible just for the reaction value. Especially when you have to use a line like "If you feel this article has been in bad taste to this point, I wholeheartedly encourage you to stop reading right now, because itís only going to get worse." That pretty much tells the reader you're being an attention whore. And when you're being an attention whore with lines like "so I can continue to pretend mentally disabled people only exist in Narnia.", you're not just poking insensitive fun anymore, you're targeting yourself as a douchebag. Poking fun at Mentleys is one thing, but when you bring yourself into the story like you've done here, you're going to become the focus of any negativity out of the article. And I bet there will be negativity if this is run in a public paper, even if it is a student newspaper.

This material can be funny, but for me that doesn't come out with the way you approached it here.

Fat Elvis
04-15-2011, 09:33 AM
You may not wind up in hell for writing crap like this, but I'm pretty sure you will wind up in the unemployment line.

listopencil
04-15-2011, 09:56 AM
Poor attempt at "shock jock" humor. I don't have a problem laughing at other people's misfortune sometimes. But this missed the mark. It came off as an attempt to be as insensitive as possible just for the reaction value. Especially when you have to use a line like "If you feel this article has been in bad taste to this point, I wholeheartedly encourage you to stop reading right now, because itís only going to get worse." That pretty much tells the reader you're being an attention whore. And when you're being an attention whore with lines like "so I can continue to pretend mentally disabled people only exist in Narnia.", you're not just poking insensitive fun anymore, you're targeting yourself as a douchebag. Poking fun at Mentleys is one thing, but when you bring yourself into the story like you've done here, you're going to become the focus of any negativity out of the article. And I bet there will be negativity if this is run in a public paper, even if it is a student newspaper.

This material can be funny, but for me that doesn't come out with the way you approached it here.




/thread

Saccopoo
04-15-2011, 12:58 PM
http://anyworld.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/fail3.jpg

Rausch
04-15-2011, 01:00 PM
Break that up some more and I might read it.

Eh, still too long winded...