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View Full Version : Wanna Get With My Mom?


KurtCobain
05-26-2011, 11:47 PM
My mom is a former abused teen parent/turned good mom/turned lesbian crackhead/turned straight methhead/turned prisoner/turned recovered lonely addict who loves god and life and is very sweet and nice now.

She is a stupid ho. The kind that breaks into her kid's apartment, cleans it, and charges him 50 dollars.

Her long time boyfriend finally just got some decent time in the slammer and she's given up. So she's just great now. No mo ho. But she's lonely. And she's 49. I told her once she hits fifty, she's going to probably be alone forever, so she's freaking out about that.

Anybody want to bang her? Let me know.

I have a screening process.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cpMTOqKOcMI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

listopencil
05-26-2011, 11:52 PM
Sorry, I don't think I could handle the whole Born Again Christian thing.

FAX
05-26-2011, 11:53 PM
One of the rare times in my existence when I don't know what to say.

Words are of no account in a situation like this.

FAX THE SPEECHLESS

rocknrolla
05-26-2011, 11:57 PM
I second that. Speechless.

KurtCobain
05-26-2011, 11:57 PM
Sorry, I don't think I could handle the whole Born Again Christian thing.

Actually, she's not too vocal about it.

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cpMTOqKOcMI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

listopencil
05-26-2011, 11:57 PM
Come on. You guys didn't even vote in the pole.

listopencil
05-26-2011, 11:58 PM
Actually, she's not too vocal about it.


It would always just kinda be there though.

listopencil
05-26-2011, 11:58 PM
Like the elephant in the room, making me uncomfortable.

FAX
05-26-2011, 11:58 PM
Perhaps we would all benefit were she to become a nun.

FAX

KurtCobain
05-26-2011, 11:58 PM
I used to hate my mom.

KurtCobain
05-26-2011, 11:59 PM
Actually, I still do. She's a dumb cunt.

KurtCobain
05-26-2011, 11:59 PM
I hope she dies in a fire.

KurtCobain
05-26-2011, 11:59 PM
But before that happens, I want her to be happy.

Any takers?

Jewish Rabbi
05-27-2011, 12:02 AM
If it weren't for the picture, I definitely would have said yes.

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 12:03 AM
Killed the pic. It wasn't a good one. Just the only i could find without my kids in it.

Jewish Rabbi
05-27-2011, 12:05 AM
Killed the pic. It wasn't a good one. Just the only i could find without my kids in it.

Can I change my vote then?

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 12:06 AM
No fuck you.

You lose.

Psyko Tek
05-27-2011, 12:13 AM
no pic
no vote

Phobia
05-27-2011, 12:28 AM
No thanks. She molested me at bible study one time though. Does that count?

yhf
05-27-2011, 12:54 AM
Near as I can figure, given the way you have described her life arc, she is prolly worth keeping around for your kids. My grandparents had a cat that was nothing but hatefulrottennastyshit for the bulk of its life but lo and behold as it aged it turned into the bestest damned nice fucking cat there ever was. So, basically, maybe, even though she only ever dealt you a shit hand, mayhaps she can be purtydamn decent as a grandmamma. Yaneverknow. Food for thought and stuff, it aint all about you knowutimsayin.

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 12:58 AM
so will you fuck her?

yhf
05-27-2011, 01:06 AM
Uh... well I'm married and stuff. You know those damn vows have can't fuck around parts. Maybe we should start a KurdtsMom gigolo fund, everybody can pitch in a little each month and next thing you know she gots the dick on the regular!

SNR
05-27-2011, 01:14 AM
I'll do it.

But she gotta pay. $8 is the going rate.

yhf
05-27-2011, 01:20 AM
I'll do it.

But she gotta pay. $8 is the going rate.

aren't you just the cockofthewalk. better be able to service to completion with those exorbitant rates!

Slainte
05-27-2011, 02:53 AM
No. Your life is sad.

Your mother's is pathetic.

Sorry

CrazyPhuD
05-27-2011, 03:05 AM
Killed the pic. It wasn't a good one. Just the only i could find without my kids in it.

Wait...she's the mom of your kids too? Isn't that illegal in most states?(except West Virgina).

Al Bundy
05-27-2011, 04:10 AM
I uhhh.... uhhhmmm wow.

Dave Lane
05-27-2011, 05:40 AM
Sorry, I don't think I could handle the whole Born Again Christian thing.

Doesn't look too bad and I'm pretty much in the market but the born again crackhead (why is the always the next step for a substance abuser?) pretty much rules that out.

Rain Man
05-27-2011, 06:06 AM
let me ask my wife. this may be my best shot ever at a threesome.
Posted via Mobile Device

bevischief
05-27-2011, 06:11 AM
let me ask my wife. this may be my best shot ever at a threesome.
Posted via Mobile Device

LMAO

Infidel Goat
05-27-2011, 06:20 AM
Where is the "Maybe with Gaz's d*** option..."?

Hydrae
05-27-2011, 06:50 AM
Sorry, happily married and want to stay that way.

Good luck with this though. :thumb:

FAX
05-27-2011, 06:57 AM
Where is the "Maybe with Gaz's d*** option..."?

Apparently, Mr. Gaz also declined ... probably the whole convicted felon, ex-con, prison dame deal.

FAX

GloryDayz
05-27-2011, 07:01 AM
I'll pass..

JD10367
05-27-2011, 07:07 AM
No. The picture you posted, her hair looks awful and she doesn't have on any makeup. If she can't make an effort to get a little dolled-up for her official CP :hump: picture, I ain't interested. Unless you go back and tell her that's why you want her to get dressed-up. I bet, with some nice clothes, makeup, a hairdo, and a duckface pose, she'd look a lot better.

Saulbadguy
05-27-2011, 07:42 AM
I bet she gives a great velveteen rub.

Reerun_KC
05-27-2011, 07:50 AM
No. Your life is sad.

Your mother's is pathetic.

Sorry

:huh:

Bob Dole
05-27-2011, 08:21 AM
Holy. Fucking. Shit.

(On so many levels.)

Iowanian
05-27-2011, 08:22 AM
Does she have any teeth?

stevieray
05-27-2011, 08:23 AM
Holy. ****ing. Shit.

(On so many levels.)

cmon, now.

what's wrong with pimpin out your mom?

LMAO

Reerun_KC
05-27-2011, 08:26 AM
3 people voted yes?

Those are 3 quality people right there... The kind you read about in the newspaper for hammering it out with the neighbors barnyard animals...

CaliforniaChief
05-27-2011, 08:31 AM
At least your mom is most likely going to be enshrined in the Hall of Classics.

LMAO

Bearcat
05-27-2011, 08:59 AM
I feel like I should post this somewhere...

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/demotivational-posters-your-mom.jpg

Dallas Chief
05-27-2011, 09:08 AM
Teets or GTFO!!!

Gracie Dean
05-27-2011, 09:14 AM
and I am a bad poster???

Detoxing
05-27-2011, 09:18 AM
Ah fuck it. I'll give her a go 'round. Bring her here. I'll clean the cobwebs from that ol' rusty vagina.

Rain Man
05-27-2011, 09:22 AM
In some cases, I revise my "what do you look at first" list to include the arms, if I need to check for needle tracks.

gblowfish
05-27-2011, 09:24 AM
I HATE the off season....

Detoxing
05-27-2011, 09:28 AM
I HATE the off season....

The off season is when all of the male bonding takes place. Wuz a matta? Don't like bonding with your fellow CP brethren?

el borracho
05-27-2011, 09:29 AM
No thanks. She molested me at bible study one time though. Does that count?

Second coming at bible camp?

Mr. Arrowhead
05-27-2011, 09:32 AM
sorry ill pass, i dont wanna get aids right now

boogblaster
05-27-2011, 10:02 AM
maybe there's sumone in her tell-all group that needs a new headache ....

Reerun_KC
05-27-2011, 10:24 AM
I dont even think I would hit it with a flaming aids bush....

Arsonist
05-27-2011, 10:25 AM
lol born again

Reerun_KC
05-27-2011, 10:26 AM
lol born again

LOL at haters.

Arsonist
05-27-2011, 10:32 AM
LOL at haters.

not a hater, i just think it's all bull shit

gblowfish
05-27-2011, 10:38 AM
The off season is when all of the male bonding takes place. Wuz a matta? Don't like bonding with your fellow CP brethren?

I think you're taking the idea of "bonding" waaaaaay too literally....

Los Pollos Hermanos
05-27-2011, 10:41 AM
What's her credit score and how much debt does she have?

ElGringo
05-27-2011, 11:20 AM
Do I want to...no.

If she was naked in front of me, would I...ehh...I've done worse, so probably yes.

Ebolapox
05-27-2011, 11:27 AM
cue 'motherlover'

and no, I probably wouldn't. just voted yes to be a smartass.

MOhillbilly
05-27-2011, 11:43 AM
tits or gtfo

Iowanian
05-27-2011, 12:33 PM
F to the UPA
It's supa-dupa

Simply Red
05-27-2011, 01:06 PM
HAWT!

Kerberos
05-27-2011, 02:12 PM
Is there any cash involved for the willing participant. I wouldn't even drive my 77 Trans AM over to pick her up for less than $68.39

bevischief
05-27-2011, 02:14 PM
Holy. ****ing. Shit.

(On so many levels.)

That was my thought as well.

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 03:06 PM
Does she have any teeth?

Fake ones.

scott free
05-27-2011, 03:11 PM
I'm gonna call Dr. Phil & Montel to see if they can get you some counseling, i'll be right back, dont do anything crazy in the meantime...

Pestilence
05-27-2011, 03:14 PM
Fake ones.

Nice.

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 03:15 PM
Nice.

You want her to gum it?

Pestilence
05-27-2011, 03:18 PM
You want her to gum it?

Less chance she involves some teeth in the act.

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 03:20 PM
Less chance she involves some teeth in the act.

So we flying her out to Cali?

Your wife gonna mind?

Jawshco
05-27-2011, 03:33 PM
:vomit: One mom, one cup... and nobody wants to watch.

Pestilence
05-27-2011, 03:37 PM
So we flying her out to Cali?

No.

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 03:39 PM
So, on the for real, is somebody going to fuck my mom or what?

Fish
05-27-2011, 03:41 PM
I bet she tastes like cigarettes and shame...

Brock
05-27-2011, 03:48 PM
Somebody should slap her for foisting you upon the world.

Kerberos
05-27-2011, 03:48 PM
I bet she tastes like cigarettes and shame...

The shame I can look past.

Detoxing
05-27-2011, 03:54 PM
I'll just leave this here.

<iframe width="425" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/sYW4uYMv9m0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Gadzooks
05-27-2011, 05:08 PM
"Too fat" - Omaha

LiveSteam
05-27-2011, 06:11 PM
Does she shave her box?

Okie_Apparition
05-27-2011, 06:13 PM
Audrey?

Bump
05-27-2011, 06:18 PM
can we get a full body shot?

Braincase
05-27-2011, 06:29 PM
Wait one second there... Fred Phelps is your grandfather?

-King-
05-27-2011, 06:36 PM
http://static.funnyjunk.com/gifs/57c281c0_41b2_ac9f.gif


This...is.... wow.

Bugeater
05-27-2011, 07:32 PM
Meh, I'd hit it.

stevieray
05-27-2011, 07:39 PM
So, on the for real, is somebody going to **** my mom or what?

for the real, you're being a complete asshole.

Iowanian
05-27-2011, 07:50 PM
Remember that one time when you posted a bunch of stuff like your rap sheet? Remember how I treated you? You're getting close to a repeat of that.



I'm guessing you've sampled the goods?

SPchief
05-27-2011, 08:07 PM
You mean to tell me that Redrum hasn't?

FAX
05-27-2011, 08:08 PM
I have to say ...

I've been on ChiefsPlanet for quite a few years. Through good times and bad. I've seen geniuses and morons. I've seen the hopeless idiot and the semi-transcendent yogi. I've seen the well-proportioned tittah and the mangily, rabid porcupine. But, this thread right here has to be the low point.

FAX

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 08:11 PM
How am I being an asshole? I am honestly just trying to find someone for my mom. Where else to look for decent older guys than CP?

JD10367
05-27-2011, 08:13 PM
I'm guessing you've sampled the goods?

I think I've seen them in a video on xhamster.

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 08:14 PM
And no, I haven't sampled the goods.

BWillie
05-27-2011, 08:16 PM
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f32/iamprincesszelda/IMG_1255.jpg?t=1306477498

Is this your mom? You posted it on my Chiefsplanet "wall"...

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 08:17 PM
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f32/iamprincesszelda/IMG_1255.jpg?t=1306477498

Is this your mom? You posted it on my Chiefsplanet "wall"...

I think the question is, wtf is wrong with you? That's not my mom. LMAO

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cpMTOqKOcMI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Marcellus
05-27-2011, 08:17 PM
Never again.

JD10367
05-27-2011, 08:17 PM
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f32/iamprincesszelda/IMG_1255.jpg?t=1306477498

Is this your mom? You posted it on my Chiefsplanet "wall"...

If that's his mom I'll change my vote.

SPchief
05-27-2011, 08:18 PM
I think the question is, wtf is wrong with you? That's not my mom. LMAO

Well duh, her tits aren't saggy enough

Rain Man
05-27-2011, 08:27 PM
Is this your mom? You posted it on my Chiefsplanet "wall"...



I can't stand it when their top underwear doesn't match their bottom underwear. It really bothers me.

And while we're at it, I can't stand the word "panties" and really wish there was a more adult term for women's bottom underwear. "Panties" sound like something a six year-old girl wears.

BWillie
05-27-2011, 08:28 PM
I think the question is, wtf is wrong with you? That's not my mom. LMAO

God damn it

Deberg_1990
05-27-2011, 08:30 PM
Wheres the "Id rather get with Gaz" option?

JD10367
05-27-2011, 08:32 PM
I can't stand it when their top underwear doesn't match their bottom underwear. It really bothers me.

Know how I know you're gay?

And while we're at it, I can't stand the word "panties" and really wish there was a more adult term for women's bottom underwear. "Panties" sound like something a six year-old girl wears.

"Panties" is a fine word. It implies a) female and b) sexy/skimpy. What word would you prefer? "Drawers"? "Bloomers"? "Skivvies"? What's better than having a hot sexy woman whispering something like, "You make my panties wet" or "I want you to take my panties off?" Sounds much hotter than "I want you to take my bloomers off." :D

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 08:33 PM
I do like the term bloomers. And while we're on that, is Knickerbockers shorts or pants or underwear?

Gadzooks
05-27-2011, 08:39 PM
Know how I know you're gay?



"Panties" is a fine word. It implies a) female and b) sexy/skimpy. What word would you prefer? "Drawers"? "Bloomers"? "Skivvies"? What's better than having a hot sexy woman whispering something like, "You make my panties wet" or "I want you to take my panties off?" Sounds much hotter than "I want you to take my bloomers off." :D

Agree - The girl wears uderpants. The woman wears panties

Rain Man
05-27-2011, 08:43 PM
Know how I know you're gay?

If the top doesn't match the bottom, it tells me that they didn't put any thought into it. It drops them down from an ideal goddess image and makes them painfully and acutely mortal. Instead of curves and hips and nipples, it immediately brings to mind her doing laundry. It's just not cool.


"Panties" is a fine word. It implies a) female and b) sexy/skimpy. What word would you prefer? "Drawers"? "Bloomers"? "Skivvies"? What's better than having a hot sexy woman whispering something like, "You make my panties wet" or "I want you to take my panties off?" Sounds much hotter than "I want you to take my bloomers off." :D

I think that's the problem. There is not a single good existing word for women's bottom underwear. It goes straight from pedophile (panties) to grandma (bloomers). We need a new word that really focuses in on adult women. Something like "vulvaglove" or "moundcovers" or something.

DeezNutz
05-27-2011, 08:45 PM
I think that's the problem. There is not a single good existing word for women's bottom underwear. It goes straight from audiophile (panties) to grandma (bloomers). We need a new word that really focuses in on adult women. Something like "vulvaglove" or "moundcovers" or something.

The word exists and it's "thong."

milkman
05-27-2011, 08:48 PM
I do like the term bloomers. And while we're on that, is Knickerbockers shorts or pants or underwear?

They are defined as knee trousers, and were cut just below the knee.

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 08:49 PM
They are defined as knee trousers, and were cut just below the knee.

Tight or loose fitting?

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cpMTOqKOcMI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

cdcox
05-27-2011, 08:50 PM
If the top doesn't match the bottom, it tells me that they didn't put any thought into it. It drops them down from an ideal goddess image and makes them painfully and acutely mortal. Instead of curves and hips and nipples, it immediately brings to mind her doing laundry. It's just not cool.




I think that's the problem. There is not a single good existing word for women's bottom underwear. It goes straight from audiophile (panties) to grandma (bloomers). We need a new word that really focuses in on adult women. Something like "vulvaglove" or "moundcovers" or something.

Donger uses knickers.

milkman
05-27-2011, 08:51 PM
Tight or loose fitting?

Well, they didn't fall down from your waist, but were loose at the knees.

KurtCobain
05-27-2011, 08:54 PM
Well, they didn't fall down from your waist, but were loose at the knees.

Oh that's fair. I could wear those.

JD10367
05-27-2011, 08:58 PM
If the top doesn't match the bottom, it tells me that they didn't put any thought into it. It drops them down from an ideal goddess image and makes them painfully and acutely mortal. Instead of curves and hips and nipples, it immediately brings to mind her doing laundry. It's just not cool.

Speak for yourself. A servile woman gets me hot. :D And if she's doing the laundry in her bra and panties, even better!

We need a new word that really focuses in on adult women. Something like "vulvaglove" or "moundcovers" or something.

Manhole cover. :)

JD10367
05-27-2011, 08:58 PM
Donger uses knickers.

Yes, but what does he call womens' underwear? :D

Rain Man
05-27-2011, 09:04 PM
The word exists and it's "thong."


That's a good one, I agree, but it only covers one style. We need a global word. This has been bothering me for quite some time.

Rain Man
05-27-2011, 09:05 PM
Donger uses knickers.

I always suspected that.

FAX
05-27-2011, 09:07 PM
... "Panties" is a fine word. It implies a) female and b) sexy/skimpy. What word would you prefer? "Drawers"? "Bloomers"? "Skivvies"? What's better than having a hot sexy woman whispering something like, "You make my panties wet" or "I want you to take my panties off?" Sounds much hotter than "I want you to take my bloomers off." :D

Or the famous, "I want you to wear my panties on your head and lock yourself in the trunk while I drive your car to my ex-husband's house and collect my alimony check."

FAX

JOhn
05-27-2011, 10:51 PM
Cliff notes?


Anyone thrown themselves on the old bag yet? LMAO

ChiefChick
05-29-2011, 12:58 AM
LMAOIf it weren't for the picture, I definitely would have said yes.

HoneyBadger
05-29-2011, 04:29 AM
She has nice bedroom eyes, almost enticing enough for me to say yes...

Chiefless
05-29-2011, 07:39 AM
If the top doesn't match the bottom, it tells me that they didn't put any thought into it. It drops them down from an ideal goddess image and makes them painfully and acutely mortal. Instead of curves and hips and nipples, it immediately brings to mind her doing laundry. It's just not cool.




I think that's the problem. There is not a single good existing word for women's bottom underwear. It goes straight from audiophile (panties) to grandma (bloomers). We need a new word that really focuses in on adult women. Something like "vulvaglove" or "moundcovers" or something.

:LOL: vulvaglove LMAO

listopencil
12-13-2012, 05:24 PM
I can't stand it when their top underwear doesn't match their bottom underwear. It really bothers me.

And while we're at it, I can't stand the word "panties" and really wish there was a more adult term for women's bottom underwear. "Panties" sound like something a six year-old girl wears.

Really? I like the word "panties." It's fun and cute.

Bob Dole
12-13-2012, 05:57 PM
Nominee for "Most Obscure Bump of 2012".

Rain Man
12-13-2012, 06:02 PM
Nominee for "Most Obscure Bump of 2012".

Maybe it took him a while to really understand his feelings about the term 'panties' and he didn't want to make a hasty response.

crossbow
12-13-2012, 07:16 PM
I would love to but my calander is full.

I have to wash the cat, clean the garbage cans, and hot wax my chest hair.

listopencil
12-13-2012, 07:20 PM
Maybe it took him a while to really understand his feelings about the term 'panties' and he didn't want to make a hasty response.

Yes. I have been thinking about panties for some time, and felt the need to express my opinion.

listopencil
12-13-2012, 07:21 PM
Nominee for "Most Obscure Bump of 2012".

A winner is me!

AustinChief
12-13-2012, 07:24 PM
Yes. I have been thinking about panties for some time, and felt the need to express my opinion.

You should go all British and call them knickers...

Or use my favorite term "smalls" but I think that is usually for male underwear.. not sure...and of course there is always the problem of referring to anything in that region on a man as "small"... yeah, best to just call them knickers.

Hmmm, this has given me a new idea! We should have a random day every month where the word filter is set to replace everything with British slang and see who can keep up!

listopencil
12-13-2012, 07:28 PM
You should go all British and call them knickers...

Or use my favorite term "smalls" but I think that is usually for male underwear.. not sure...and of course there is always the problem of referring to anything in that region on a man as "small"... yeah, best to just call them knickers.

Hmmm, this has given me a new idea! We should have a random day every month where the word filter is set to replace everything with British slang and see who can keep up!

Hah, that would be great. I love a good word filter joke. I do use "knickers" when I am doing the fake English accent, it's easier to put a naughty intonation on the word. But something about the word "panties." Maybe it's a holdover from my misspent youth. Lately I have heard a lot of women around her call them "chonies", or maybe "choneys"? Not sure of the spelling.

listopencil
12-13-2012, 07:30 PM
Here we go:

Chonies

Underwear. Derives from the Spanish word calzones or calzoncillos.


Did you see that bitch? Her chonies are showing.
I hate these chonies, they give me wedgies.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chonies

Predarat
12-14-2012, 07:38 AM
Illegal bump. Drawing attention to a contrversal banned member.

Double Reported Twice.

ILChief
12-14-2012, 08:05 AM
I miss this guy

ChiTown
12-14-2012, 08:07 AM
I miss this guy

Yeah, me too. You know, like I miss that mad case of the herp I had back in college. Ahh, the good ol days....

listopencil
12-14-2012, 09:15 AM
Illegal bump. Drawing attention to a contrversal banned member.

Double Reported Twice.

Overturned. This thread was referenced, with link, in the HOC thread. And someone mentioned panties.

Predarat
12-14-2012, 09:21 AM
Overturned. This thread was referenced, with link, in the HOC thread. And someone mentioned panties.

Bring bag tags for Sunday and I will withdraw my protest.

whoman69
12-14-2012, 09:54 AM
I missed this first time around. The OP paints such a wonderful portrait of this woman, I'm surprised she wasn't snapped up.

Bootlegged
12-14-2012, 09:55 AM
Missed this. Did he mention whether or not her starfish was bleached?