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Dr. Facebook Fever
11-16-2011, 10:01 AM
And then the plumber said, "plunger! I hardly know her!"

Dayze
11-16-2011, 10:03 AM
"so he says, 'do ya love me'? and she says, 'no, but that's a real nice ski mask"!

JonesCrusher
11-16-2011, 10:04 AM
......the aristocrats!

listopencil
11-16-2011, 10:05 AM
"The dog didn't want to go either."

DaFace
11-16-2011, 10:05 AM
......the aristocrats!

Eww...nasty!

Dayze
11-16-2011, 10:06 AM
"Liquor? I don't even know her"..

Dr. Gigglepants
11-16-2011, 10:06 AM
I said "Can you hand me the buoy!"
Posted via Mobile Device

rageeumr
11-16-2011, 10:07 AM
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Gonzo
11-16-2011, 10:07 AM
'"FINE THEN BITCH, BLEED TO DEATH FOR ALL I CARE!"

BigRock
11-16-2011, 10:08 AM
That's a big word for a 9 year old.

NSFW:

So I was bangin' this broad and she was like "Are you a pedo-file?" and I'm like "OH, that's a big word for a 9 year old!"

There are alternate versions.

Easy 6
11-16-2011, 10:09 AM
Cassel will lead us to victory!

Dartgod
11-16-2011, 10:10 AM
You left your injun running.

Dartgod
11-16-2011, 10:10 AM
I didn't ask for a 12" pianist!

BigRock
11-16-2011, 10:10 AM
All right, so where's that bear I'm supposed to wrestle?

NSFW:

Summary: a guy wants to marry an indian chief's daughter, but is told he must pass three tests. One, drink a whole bottle of fire water. Two, wrestle a bear with his bare hands and kill it. Three, make love to the nastiest, ugliest woman in the village.

He goes into the first tent and drinks the alcohol, passing test one. He goes into the second tent and a great ruckus is heard. After several minutes, he comes out, bloody, his clothes torn, and asks "All right, so where's that bear I'm supposed to wrestle"?

There are alternate versions.

BigRock
11-16-2011, 10:11 AM
As soon as Mommy goes to sleep.

NSFW:

A sex-starved husband finally talks his frigid wife into having intercourse. As he lays on top her, he notices their pretty young daughter standing in the doorway, watching them. He freaks out and the girl goes running back to her room. His wife forces him to go talk to their daughter, saying it's his fault it happened.

The horny dad goes to his daughter's room to make sure she's OK. The girl is fine, but has a few questions. "What are those big, round things on Mommy's chest?" she asks. "Well, those are her breasts," her dad tells her. "When will I get those?" the girl asks. "When you get older," he says.

"Well, what was that big long thing between your legs?" she asks him. "That's my penis," he says. "Well, when will I get that?" his daughter asks. "As soon as Mommy gets to sleep", he tells her.

Alternate:

The dad says "Girls don't get these, honey." The daughter says "Well, it sure looked like you were giving it to Mom!"

Gonzo
11-16-2011, 10:12 AM
So I screwed her three times and hit her on the head with a brick.

BigRock
11-16-2011, 10:14 AM
See, was that so hard?

NSFW:

A woman works at the front desk at a sperm bank. Suddenly, a masked man bursts in and points a gun at her. He points to a nearby sperm sample in a plastic cup and tells her "Open the lid and drink it!" The woman does as she's told.

The man unmasks. It's her husband. "See, was that so hard?"

Dartgod
11-16-2011, 10:14 AM
Wrecked him hell, it damn near killed him!

BigRock
11-16-2011, 10:14 AM
No, she just lays there like her mother.

NSFW:

A man tells his doctor that he needs to get birth control for his 12 year old daughter. The doctor is shocked. "She's sexually active?" he asks.

"No," the father says, "She just lays there like her mother."

Radar Chief
11-16-2011, 10:14 AM
You ought to pet him first, he might bite.

BigRock
11-16-2011, 10:15 AM
His name was "Peter Peter".

NSFW:

Cinderella is on her way to the ball when she gets her period. With no other alternative, her fairy godmother takes a small pumpkin and turns it into a tampon. "Now be careful," she warns Cinderella. "At midnight, this will turn back into a pumpkin!"

Midnight comes and Cinderella still isn't home. 1 AM, 2 AM, 3 AM, she's still not home. Finally, she returns around 6 that morning. "Where have you been?" her godmother asks. "You know you needed to be home by midnight!"

"Well, I was on my way," Cinderella tells her, "but I met the nicest man and we had such an amazing time!"

"Really? Well, tell me more about him," her fairy godmother says. "What's the boy's name?"

"His name is Peter Peter!"

(Peter Peter. Pumpkin Eater. GET IT LOLZ)

Rain Man
11-16-2011, 10:15 AM
And then Hitler said, "No, I said holograph!"

Gonzo
11-16-2011, 10:16 AM
Mom's dead, sis is pregnant, the dog ran off and my asshole hurts!

stevieray
11-16-2011, 10:16 AM
quick! get my brown pants!!!

Gonzo
11-16-2011, 10:16 AM
He got the gas bill.

Gonzo
11-16-2011, 10:16 AM
The Doc needs a pair of your boxers!

Gonzo
11-16-2011, 10:17 AM
The pigs are in the truck, honking the horn!

BigRock
11-16-2011, 10:17 AM
Well, did he drop off the $1000 he owes me?

A housewife named Mary is alone one morning, still in her bathrobe, when her husband's friend John comes over. "Sorry, my husband's not here," she tells him. "He should be home soon, would you like to wait?"

She lets him in and they small-talk for a few minutes. Suddenly, John says "Mary, you have the most incredible breasts. If you open your robe and let me see just one of them, I'll give you $500."

Mary is shocked, but holy shit, $500 for a peek at one booby? She agrees and, sure enough, he hands over $500. Mary can't believe it.

A few minutes later, John says "Mary, that was wonderful, but now I'm dying to see both of them. If you let me see both your breasts, I'll give you another $500!"

She already agreed to the first offer, so Mary quickly agrees to the second one. He hands over another $500.

"I've got to be going," he tells her. "Tell your husband I stopped by, but please don't mention any of this to him." "Oh, I won't," she says. "He'd kill me if he found out!"

Several minutes later, her husband comes home. "Your friend John stopped by," Mary tells him. "He waited around for a bit, but he said he had to leave."

"Well, did he drop off the $1000 he owes me?"

BigRock
11-16-2011, 10:17 AM
All I smell is molasses.

A family of moles lived in the ground outside a farm. One morning, the daddy mole stuck his head out of the hole and said "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" The mommy mole stuck her head out and said "Mmmm, I smell waffles!"

The baby mole tried to stick his head out, but his parents were in the way. "All I smell is molasses!"

Dartgod
11-16-2011, 10:18 AM
He was trying to tell you that there were more quail in that brush pile than you could shake a stick at!

Gonzo
11-16-2011, 10:19 AM
What I do know is that the polar bear and donkey ran off as soon as they saw him.

BigRock
11-16-2011, 10:19 AM
The whole time, he had both hands on my shoulders.

A guy tells his buddy that he had to go to the proctologist. "Are you OK?" his buddy asked. "Yeah," the guy said, "I just had some discomfort back there. The doc gave me a pretty big suppository, but I'm feeling better."

Suddenly, the guy gets really quiet. "What's wrong?" his buddy asks.

"I was just thinking. The doc asked me if I wanted his help with inserting the suppository. I said OK. He told me to bend over the exam table." "Yeah?" his buddy asks.

"Well, he pushed it in," the guy says. "But it's just dawning on me. The whole time, he had both hands on my shoulders."

stevieray
11-16-2011, 10:19 AM
get the quarter back!

Gonzo
11-16-2011, 10:20 AM
Hair Lip! Hair Lip!

Dayze
11-16-2011, 10:20 AM
I can't catch it AND throw it!

Gonzo
11-16-2011, 10:21 AM
He hit you right in the twat, huh mom?

frankotank
11-16-2011, 10:26 AM
is it mule dick?

Cooter and Jethro are out fishing one day. 1 hour goes by, 2 hours go by. Not one nibble.
Cooter - Dang it Jethro this sucks I’m bored
Jethro – I know it me too. Hey I got an ide-err, let’s play You Name It.
Cooter- OK Jethro, how you play that?
Jethro – Well it’s where I write sumthin down on a piece of paper and put it in my pocket and you get 10 questions ta ast me ta try to figure out what it is.
Cooter – OK let’s play that then.
So Jethro writes “mule dick” on a piece of paper and puts it in his pocket.
Jethro- OK Cooter, start asting.
Cooter – Hmmm…….let’s see…..is it something you can eat?
Jethro scratches his head and thinks on it a little and then says – Well I guess you could…..if you really had to….
Cooter – IS IT MULE DICK??!!

SuperChief
11-16-2011, 10:29 AM
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

SuperChief
11-16-2011, 10:29 AM
Because if your dog was named "Bahlsdhfljhsd," he'd want to kill himself, too.

Radar Chief
11-16-2011, 10:37 AM
Ass, gas or grass, no one rides for free.

frankotank
11-16-2011, 10:37 AM
I tell ya I was more frustrated than a legless Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill!

Pitt Gorilla
11-16-2011, 10:39 AM
It was the goal line.

Gonzo
11-16-2011, 10:50 AM
How'd you make that Horse Cry, then? I proved it to him.
Posted via Mobile Device

gblowfish
11-16-2011, 10:57 AM
"Oral Sex Between Cannibals."

Dartgod
11-16-2011, 10:59 AM
Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?

Slainte
11-16-2011, 11:08 AM
No thanks. Those martinis make my pussy hurt!

the Talking Can
11-16-2011, 11:09 AM
Matt Cassel

frankotank
11-16-2011, 11:16 AM
14, 14, 14, 14

A guy is walking down the street and as he approaches a fence her hears people chanting…….”13, 13, 13, 13”. Curious, he wants to know what’s up, but the fence is too high to see over. A sign on the fence discloses that there’s an insane asylum on the other side and that only piques his curiosity further. As he’s walking down the fence line listening to the chanting he spots a hole in the fence. So he bends over to take a peek at what’s going on over there when all of a sudden……BOINK! Somebody pokes him in the eye with a stick.
“14, 14, 14, 14”

gblowfish
11-16-2011, 11:23 AM
"And that, my dear OJ, is how it's done."

WV
11-16-2011, 11:24 AM
2011 Kansas City Chiefs

stevieray
11-16-2011, 11:25 AM
breathe in, breathe out

Flachief58
11-16-2011, 11:25 AM
On her way out the door she told her husband "you feed the dog, I'll feed the fish"

WV
11-16-2011, 11:26 AM
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

Flachief58
11-16-2011, 11:28 AM
11, 2 in the front, 3 in back and 7 in the ashtray

redhed
11-16-2011, 11:35 AM
"I'm sorry ma'am, I can't tell one Japanese car from another."

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:40 AM
Only two, but I don't know how they got in there!

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:40 AM
Yep, she's pregnant too!

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:41 AM
No, we figured out what's causing it!

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:41 AM
Every morning about 7:30 my dad knocks on the bathroom door and says, "God! are you still in there?"

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:41 AM
I've got you fooled today, I'm not wearing any!

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:42 AM
Well, surprise, surprise, that's not my finger!

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:42 AM
They try to tie two output ports together!

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:42 AM
Because everyone is always getting rear ended over there!

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:43 AM
Well, why don't you ask him? Maybe he'll let you!

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:47 AM
It's a knick-knack Paddywack! Give the frog a loan!

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:48 AM
Oppornockity only tunes once!

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:48 AM
He should have quit while he was a head.

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:48 AM
One good tern deserves another

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:49 AM
Bred any good rooks lately?

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:50 AM
You left your Injun running.

bevischief
11-16-2011, 11:51 AM
I don't even know her.

tooge
11-16-2011, 12:03 PM
to get to the other side

Flachief58
11-16-2011, 12:13 PM
101. 1 to hold the bulb and 100 to turn the house

Extra Point
11-16-2011, 12:18 PM
Buck forty-five! Buck forty-five!!

Dartgod
11-16-2011, 12:32 PM
You left your Injun running.

R
E
P
O
S
Q

Swanman
11-16-2011, 12:38 PM
It depends how hard you throw them.

SPchief
11-16-2011, 12:38 PM
Frankie's mom is a whore!

Inspector
11-16-2011, 01:41 PM
"May I push your stool in?"

Red Beans
11-16-2011, 01:58 PM
"Is that damn nun in here again?"

Red Beans
11-16-2011, 01:59 PM
"Arrrrrggghhhh, it drives me nuts!"

Reaper16
11-16-2011, 02:02 PM
and so the bear says, "You didn't come here to hunt, did you?"

beach tribe
11-16-2011, 02:08 PM
"that's when he said........Rectum, damn near Killed' im"

Dartgod
11-16-2011, 02:09 PM
"that's when he said........Reposq"
FYP

beach tribe
11-16-2011, 02:10 PM
Well I fucked your dog, and shit in your purse while you were "getting comfortable", how much freakier do you want to get?

beach tribe
11-16-2011, 02:10 PM
FYP

FOCK!!

EDIT: OK, now I'm really curious as to which one of us is correct in our quoting.
I'm guessing me:p

EDIT#2. Nope. You.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rectum%2C%20damn%20near%20killed%20him!

Inspector
11-16-2011, 02:17 PM
"Well, have you ever seen a moth bawl?"

beach tribe
11-16-2011, 02:18 PM
"Rat!!

"Rat with a dick this long"

gblowfish
11-16-2011, 02:19 PM
So the Third Hillbilly says "I wish it were DARK!"

Dartgod
11-16-2011, 02:20 PM
And the golf pro says, "Your stance is too wide."

stevieray
11-16-2011, 02:22 PM
....and it's deep, too!!!!

gblowfish
11-16-2011, 02:27 PM
Well, Silly, READ THE CARD!!!

ChiefsNow
11-16-2011, 02:30 PM
Ha ha ha ha ha, that was the ugliest sheep of them all

ChiefsNow
11-16-2011, 02:31 PM
For every wet pussy, there is a satisfied cock.

teedubya
11-16-2011, 02:33 PM
"Put the potato in the front instead of the back."

ChiefsNow
11-16-2011, 02:36 PM
Let's just walk down there and fuck them all.

Dragonocho
11-16-2011, 02:37 PM
Why the long face?

LOCOChief
11-16-2011, 02:42 PM
Couldn't of, I had him tied to a transmission right over there.

SPchief
11-16-2011, 02:44 PM
Boy are my arms tired

KurtCobain
11-16-2011, 02:50 PM
So then i told him, come on in! Your sister's fine!
Posted via Mobile Device

KurtCobain
11-16-2011, 02:53 PM
I cant believe I'm letting you fuck me in the ass!
I can't believe you think I'm a leprechaun!!
Posted via Mobile Device

bevischief
11-16-2011, 02:56 PM
"Put the potato in the front instead of the back."

ROFL

ChiefsNow
11-16-2011, 03:02 PM
Folks, Matt Cassel (http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/players/1659/matt-cassel) is in the Pro Bowl. Yes, you heard that right: Kansas City Chiefs (http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/teams/kansas-city-chiefs) QB Matt Cassel is in the Pro Bowl.

Dayze
11-16-2011, 03:05 PM
"Those aren't pillows"

ChiefsNow
11-16-2011, 03:09 PM
Every time I drink that cheap wine, my ass hurts.

gblowfish
11-16-2011, 03:17 PM
"Why? What Color is it Now?"

Dayze
11-16-2011, 03:18 PM
"wanna go camping"?

sd4chiefs
11-16-2011, 03:25 PM
That's not my Dog.

gblowfish
11-16-2011, 03:29 PM
"My name is Bruce. I'm not a nun, I'm going to a Halloween Party!"

Iowanian
11-16-2011, 03:30 PM
Turn the stool upside down

SLAG
11-16-2011, 03:33 PM
Sorry, Your Brother asked to borrow the car First

SLAG
11-16-2011, 03:33 PM
A Brunette with Bad Breath

chasedude
11-16-2011, 03:34 PM
I thought she liked it the way it, so I shoved it back in there!

Bump
11-16-2011, 03:44 PM
"ya, good luck finding a girl that I would have sex with in North Dakota"

chasedude
11-16-2011, 03:45 PM
You don't bury survivors.

chasedude
11-16-2011, 03:46 PM
I didn't ask for a 12" pianist!

Glad I read through this thread. I SOOOO would have reposted this one! ROFL

Extra Point
11-16-2011, 03:51 PM
Everybody's gotta be some place.

DMAC
11-16-2011, 03:52 PM
Hey everybody, look what I just stepped in!

Dave Lane
11-16-2011, 03:53 PM
And there was the Cow and the Pig.

gblowfish
11-16-2011, 03:55 PM
"I'm checking for squirrels!!!"

gblowfish
11-16-2011, 03:56 PM
Well, the first is a group of cunning runts....

gblowfish
11-16-2011, 03:57 PM
"Stop trying to put words into my mouth!"

gblowfish
11-16-2011, 03:57 PM
"Ooooo....you're going to HATE Thursdays!"

BigMeatballDave
11-16-2011, 06:13 PM
A duck for a buck, a fuck for a duck, and a buck for a fucked up duck.

BigMeatballDave
11-16-2011, 06:16 PM
Come on in you ugly bastard, shit is on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fucking.

Bwana
11-16-2011, 06:24 PM
And that's why I'm going to be in the black box.

RJ
11-16-2011, 07:15 PM
Fuck it, keep the duck.

Dr. Facebook Fever
11-16-2011, 07:48 PM
Of course, we serve anyone

4th and Long
11-16-2011, 07:54 PM
If that's my rectal thermomter, then where's my pen?

SPchief
11-16-2011, 08:08 PM
Would you rather go to Neverland ranch, a Catholic church, or Penn St.

The Iron Chief
11-16-2011, 08:09 PM
One of the gay guys says, “Ok, who farted!?”

The Iron Chief
11-16-2011, 08:10 PM
“Get off me, Daddy! You’re crushing my Marlboros.”

The Iron Chief
11-16-2011, 08:11 PM
They both drip when they’re f**ked.

SPchief
11-16-2011, 08:23 PM
What do you think this is, the shower room at the Penn St. Athletic department?

The Iron Chief
11-16-2011, 08:31 PM
Then Grbac says to Cassel. And I thought I was the one who couldnt read a clock!

Marcellus
11-16-2011, 08:33 PM
He said good, then wiped his ass with the rabbit.

rad
11-16-2011, 09:28 PM
"Oh yeah......he crapped in my pants too"


A drunk at a bar vomits all over himself. "My wifes gonna kill me" he says. A man sitting nearby takes a $20 and slides it into the man's breast pocket. "Just tell your wife somebody puked on you on the bus or somthin', and gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. "That's a great idea, thanks mister", and stumbles out of the bar and heads home.

When he arrives home, his wife is waiting up for him....."Look at you! You puked all over yourself, you slob!"

"Oh, no, see, this guy puked on me and gave me a $20 to cover the cleaning. See?

"Uhhh, there's 40 bucks here"

"Oh yeah....he crapped in my pants too"

SLAG
11-16-2011, 10:03 PM
A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again

Sent via tapatalk from the Photon 4G

chasedude
11-16-2011, 10:39 PM
He spit in my eye so I snapped it's neck, broke it's eggs and set the nest on fire.

KCtotheSB
11-16-2011, 10:50 PM
...and so I said to the monkey, is that your dick or MINE?!!

SLAG
11-16-2011, 11:35 PM
Better nate than lever

Sent via tapatalk from the Photon 4G

BigMeatballDave
11-17-2011, 12:19 AM
They found her head and shoulders on the beach.

Nzoner
11-17-2011, 06:32 AM
"See I told you he was a virgin"

Radar Chief
11-17-2011, 08:28 AM
The Raggedy Ann doll with rocks in her mouth is a cotton rock sucker.

Dr. Facebook Fever
11-17-2011, 08:49 AM
I said give it two test tickles!

gblowfish
11-17-2011, 08:56 AM
She needs the other one to moan.

Radar Chief
11-17-2011, 09:39 AM
Tulips on your organ.

SLAG
11-17-2011, 09:47 AM
Well Sir... The Bull isn't always the loser...

gblowfish
11-17-2011, 10:53 AM
"Okay, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

Claremonster
11-17-2011, 10:55 AM
"You think you're scared? I gotta walk back alone!"

gblowfish
11-17-2011, 12:09 PM
OKAY! I'll DO the damn dishes!!!

Micjones
11-17-2011, 12:11 PM
"No, but your hat's kinda crooked."

Rooster
11-17-2011, 12:20 PM
I'm going home to fuck the cat.

Radar Chief
11-17-2011, 12:24 PM
Well there’s you, me, Old Joe and the two guys it takes to hold him down, he ain’t into that shit neither.

Rooster
11-17-2011, 12:35 PM
Hey, that's nacho cheese!!

Dartgod
11-17-2011, 12:47 PM
He's a little cockeyed.

Iowanian
11-17-2011, 12:53 PM
....and this plane broke apart in mid-air.

Lumpy
11-17-2011, 12:53 PM
"Just follow the yellow dicked toad."

Iowanian
11-17-2011, 12:54 PM
and if you don't change that attitude you'll never be able to get into them.

Lumpy
11-17-2011, 12:54 PM
....and this plane broke apart in mid-air.

ROFL

MrNightly
11-17-2011, 12:54 PM
"I'm a frayed knot... "

Lumpy
11-17-2011, 12:58 PM
"Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to "brace yourself!"

Lumpy
11-17-2011, 12:59 PM
"You glue doorknobs to the walls."

gblowfish
11-17-2011, 01:02 PM
Why? What color is it now???

SLAG
11-17-2011, 01:03 PM
And he lifted the Donkeys Balls and said.. You See that Clock over there...

Iowanian
11-17-2011, 01:05 PM
Alright assholes, back on your heads.

Nzoner
11-17-2011, 01:39 PM
"doc said you gonna die kemosabbe"

Nzoner
11-17-2011, 01:39 PM
"no fock no ride,no fock no ride"

Iowanian
11-17-2011, 01:49 PM
Easy. Ground Sticky

Stewie
11-17-2011, 01:54 PM
The one with the biggest tits!

Nzoner
11-17-2011, 01:55 PM
"Chief Bowels will move,tee-pee full of shit"

Great Expectations
11-17-2011, 02:09 PM
Well it worked on your ass didn't it?

Great Expectations
11-17-2011, 02:09 PM
You can teach it how to cook and clean then get the eff out.

chasedude
11-17-2011, 02:09 PM
What do you mean wrong hole?

gblowfish
11-17-2011, 02:10 PM
Einstein's Penis.

Radar Chief
11-17-2011, 02:11 PM
Yea, the other half drive Rincolns.

whoman69
11-17-2011, 05:57 PM
He don't go for that shit neither.

Dayze
11-17-2011, 07:25 PM
If you really 'had' to, you could eat a bowling ball.

Dayze
11-17-2011, 08:05 PM
"All I know is, never bet on the white guy"

Dartgod
11-17-2011, 08:16 PM
One of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Dartgod
11-17-2011, 08:19 PM
"I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

brett
11-19-2011, 12:00 PM
And then the plumber said, "plunger! I hardly know her!"

i wudve sais something bout fixing plumbing :LOL:

Extra Point
11-19-2011, 01:39 PM
Coffee breaks over! Back on your heads!!!