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View Full Version : Life Sixteen years of human-squirrel diplomacy ... gone in an instant.


Rain Man
11-25-2011, 06:40 PM
I was in the kitchen today, and saw a squirrel out in our plum tree.

For some reason the squirrels like to gnaw on the plum tree's bark, and my wife asked if the squirrel was gnawing. I wasn't sure, but I was eating crackers and decided to throw one out there so the squirrel would have something else to gnaw.

So I open the door and wing out a cracker. Now, the plum tree is about 25 feet from our back door, so you really have to put some arm into a cracker to have any hope of it making a distance near the tree. I was aided by the fact that it was one of those denser round crackers as opposed to a saltine or club cracker, so I went sidearm and winged it like frisbee.

This thing catches the wind, arcs out and then peels back toward the tree. The plum tree is one of those trees that has a lot of dense branches and twigs and stuff, and this thing stays airborne, zips through the branches ... and nails the squirrel right in the shoulder blade. He never knew what hit him.

What are the odds of that? I try to be a good squirrel neighbor, and then I go and nail one with a cracker from 25 feet away. No one's ever going to believe it was an accident, and now I'm going to be having nuts dropped on me every time I go outside.

shirtsleeve
11-25-2011, 06:44 PM
Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.

Reerun_KC
11-25-2011, 06:45 PM
Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.

ROFL

LiveSteam
11-25-2011, 06:46 PM
No comment

BigMeatballDave
11-25-2011, 06:49 PM
Rainman > Cassel

Bowser
11-25-2011, 06:52 PM
Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.

Rainman > Cassel

LMAO

aturnis
11-25-2011, 07:01 PM
I was once at my dad's trimming out his house, when I saw a mouse scampering about. I didn't know exactly what to do, but grabbed a piece of scrap wood, pulled back, and let 'er fly. To my amazement, I didn't just hit the mouse, but severed his head 80% of the way from his body. He didn't get back up...

bevischief
11-25-2011, 07:06 PM
You did better than Casshole would have done...

GloryDayz
11-25-2011, 07:08 PM
I was in the kitchen today, and saw a squirrel out in our plum tree.

For some reason the squirrels like to gnaw on the plum tree's bark, and my wife asked if the squirrel was gnawing. I wasn't sure, but I was eating crackers and decided to throw one out there so the squirrel would have something else to gnaw.

So I open the door and wing out a cracker. Now, the plum tree is about 25 feet from our back door, so you really have to put some arm into a cracker to have any hope of it making a distance near the tree. I was aided by the fact that it was one of those denser round crackers as opposed to a saltine or club cracker, so I went sidearm and winged it like frisbee.

This thing catches the wind, arcs out and then peels back toward the tree. The plum tree is one of those trees that has a lot of dense branches and twigs and stuff, and this thing stays airborne, zips through the branches ... and nails the squirrel right in the shoulder blade. He never knew what hit him.

What are the odds of that? I try to be a good squirrel neighbor, and then I go and nail one with a cracker from 25 feet away. No one's ever going to believe it was an accident, and now I'm going to be having nuts dropped on me every time I go outside.

So you're this guy!!!

http://comradesinarms.tripod.com/movies/Bond/oddjob1.jpg

cabletech94
11-25-2011, 07:17 PM
squirrels are good for nothing but eating cable.

booooooooooooo squirrels, booooooooooooooo.

listopencil
11-25-2011, 07:33 PM
Silently, in the distance, a squirrel army is gathering. Preparing to wreak unholy vengeance upon the Rainman household. Be afraid. No one will be spared.

Flachief58
11-25-2011, 07:34 PM
squirrels are good for nothing but eating cable.

booooooooooooo squirrels, booooooooooooooo.

You should eat em back. That'll show em!

whoman69
11-25-2011, 08:10 PM
Better not let PETA find out.

-King-
11-25-2011, 08:12 PM
Better watch your back from now on. His buddies will try to come after you.

tk13
11-25-2011, 08:15 PM
If he's in a squirrel gang I expect you'll find your tires are slashed in the morning.

Munson
11-25-2011, 08:18 PM
Don't be surprised when you see a burning bag of squirrel poop on your porch.

Bwana
11-25-2011, 08:21 PM
Make him into a hat?


http://bikeportland.org/wp-content/images/deller_squirrel_01.jpg

FAX
11-25-2011, 08:59 PM
I once pegged a squirrel with a Fruit Wheat from 30 feet away, Mr. Rain Man.

Things haven't been the same between the squirrels and us since.

FAX

threebag02
11-25-2011, 08:59 PM
The squirrels are gunna call you cracker.

Hog Farmer
11-25-2011, 09:05 PM
This really got me thinkin.


I've never jerked off a squirrel.

mikeyis4dcats.
11-25-2011, 09:08 PM
I had a band of squirrels eating my tomatoes a few years ago. Bought a pellet gun. A couple of dead ones later, I nailed one in the back. He jumped down and up onto a tree trunk, scurrying up by his front legs as I had turned him into a para. I felt bad, and took aim, nailing him in the shoulder. He frantically clung to the tree by one leg, so I had to shoot him again. he fell to the ground, and I had to put on in his brain. Felt really bad for the guy.

Hog Farmer
11-25-2011, 09:12 PM
I had a band of squirrels eating my tomatoes a few years ago. Bought a pellet gun. A couple of dead ones later, I nailed one in the back. He jumped down and up onto a tree trunk, scurrying up by his front legs as I had turned him into a para. I felt bad, and took aim, nailing him in the shoulder. He frantically clung to the tree by one leg, so I had to shoot him again. he fell to the ground, and I had to put on in his brain. Felt really bad for the guy.

What a puss. That kind of stuff is fun!

KCFalcon59
11-25-2011, 09:13 PM
I had a band of squirrels eating my tomatoes a few years ago. Bought a pellet gun. A couple of dead ones later, I nailed one in the back. He jumped down and up onto a tree trunk, scurrying up by his front legs as I had turned him into a para. I felt bad, and took aim, nailing him in the shoulder. He frantically clung to the tree by one leg, so I had to shoot him again. he fell to the ground, and I had to put on in his brain. Felt really bad for the guy.

LMAO

Rain Man
11-25-2011, 09:17 PM
I'm afraid to leave the house. I see squirrels in the trees.

KcMizzou
11-25-2011, 09:17 PM
Better watch your back from now on. His buddies will try to come after you.I just wonder how many drug addicted squirrels it's gonna take to steal his bicycle.

I'd like video of that.

mikeyis4dcats.
11-25-2011, 09:17 PM
What a puss. That kind of stuff is fun!

Oh, don't get me wrong, I had no problem pegging the others and the subsequent ones....but a clean kill is one thing.

Gonzo
11-25-2011, 09:25 PM
Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
ROFL
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Gonzo
11-25-2011, 09:32 PM
Tree Rats are an interesting breed. Several are twitchy around people, they run in front of cars and chew on power lines...
I have one that actually comes to my front door and scratches it until I grab some unsalted peanuts in the shell and feed them to him. He'll actually take it out of my hand. He won't do that with anyone else in the neighborhood, (except for my wife and son).
Posted via Mobile Device

tk13
11-25-2011, 09:46 PM
Tree Rats are an interesting breed. Several are twitchy around people, they run in front of cars and chew on power lines...
I have one that actually comes to my front door and scratches it until I grab some unsalted peanuts in the shell and feed them to him. He'll actually take it out of my hand. He won't do that with anyone else in the neighborhood, (except for my wife and son).
Posted via Mobile Device

Great story. Meanwhile, Rain Man is a salting them with crackers.

Gonzo
11-25-2011, 09:58 PM
Great story. Meanwhile, Rain Man is a salting them with crackers.

COME AT ME BRO!
Posted via Mobile Device

bevischief
11-25-2011, 10:02 PM
I'm afraid to leave the house. I see squirrels in the trees.

My bassets are weapons of mass destruction on squirrels...

Gonzo
11-25-2011, 10:08 PM
No, seriously...

COME AT ME, BRO!
http://i1219.photobucket.com/albums/dd424/wildside2/4D4V0696.jpg
Posted via Mobile Device

Count Alex's Wins
11-25-2011, 10:13 PM
And so it begins.

http://homepage.mac.com/whymme/WFRP/misc/warhamster/files/page13_1.png

KcMizzou
11-25-2011, 10:21 PM
Rain Man's fucked.

KcMizzou
11-25-2011, 10:23 PM
This is like "The Secret of Nihm" all over again, and Rain Man is the farmer.

Chief_For_Life58
11-25-2011, 10:27 PM
you shoulda pulled out ur air rifle n reached out n touched it with a nice lil pellet instead of a cracker

LiveSteam
11-25-2011, 10:39 PM
I shot 3 to 5 a day for 5 months. Now they are all gone. Gonna box up the Beemen pellet rifle & take it back to Wallmart & get my 100 bucks back.

Chiefaholic
11-25-2011, 10:51 PM
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bevischief
11-25-2011, 10:56 PM
Nuke it from orbit the only way to be sure.

Misplaced_Chiefs_Fan
11-25-2011, 10:57 PM
Rainman,

It could be worse than you think.

We've intercepted secret footage from the squirrel's headquarters.

Be afraid.

BigRichard
11-25-2011, 11:02 PM
Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.

It literally took me a minute to quit laughing about this. I just about spit up my beer I was drinking. I am tired so take that for what it is worth.

JD10367
11-25-2011, 11:12 PM
No one's ever going to believe it was an accident, and now I'm going to be having nuts dropped on me every time I go outside.

Sounds like a typical day for Lindsey Lohan or one of those Hollywood chicks.

"Gettin' teabagged more often than Dandy Don Meredith."

(And if you're old enough to remember those Lipton commercials, I feel your pain... usually in my knees, my hips, my shoulders...)

Dartgod
11-25-2011, 11:25 PM
I'm afraid to leave the house. I see squirrels in the trees.

What the hell is DaFace doing in your tree?
Posted via Mobile Device

listopencil
11-25-2011, 11:36 PM
Rainman,

It could be worse than you think.

We've intercepted secret footage from the squirrel's headquarters.

Be afraid.

Run. Run and hide.

KcMizzou
11-25-2011, 11:40 PM
http://pics.myspew.com/var/albums/geek/funny-pictures-evil-black-squirrel.jpg?m=1301361483

KcMizzou
11-25-2011, 11:42 PM
http://www.media.desicolours.com/2009/april/squirrel05.jpg

listopencil
11-26-2011, 12:05 AM
I am picturing an intricate web of treaties amongst your local wild animal population. A diabolical system of alliances that will only come to light as events transpire. You, Rainman, have just assassinated the Archduke Ferdinand of the back yard wildlife community. Never mind the squirrels. They are the least of your problems.

listopencil
11-26-2011, 12:06 AM
May God have mercy on your soul.

ExtremeChief
11-26-2011, 08:06 AM
He probably deserved it. I've always thought that it was a squirrel conspiracy that led to the disappearance of you bike.

ExtremeChief
11-26-2011, 08:07 AM
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/kBb7KReY6Eg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

HonestChieffan
11-26-2011, 08:14 AM
seeing them tumble out of a tree after getting hit with a super quiet pellet gun shot, then that little bounce of finality is such a great picture. The supply is endless.

whoman69
11-26-2011, 09:50 AM
Watch out for this guy

http://files.sharenator.com/conker_2_conker_pics-s250x300-16428-580.gif

GloryDayz
11-26-2011, 09:53 AM
Rainman,

It could be worse than you think.

We've intercepted secret footage from the squirrel's headquarters.

Be afraid.

LOL!!!

bevischief
11-26-2011, 09:57 AM
Flame thrower...

GloryDayz
11-26-2011, 09:57 AM
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/kBb7KReY6Eg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

LOL, he was looking for food fare and got airfare...

Bane
11-26-2011, 09:59 AM
Had some last night.

http://i41.tinypic.com/34zd921.jpg

Gonzo
11-26-2011, 10:00 AM
They are organized and smart...
One was holding a sign that said, "Remember the Ritz!"
This was what I got to wake up to this morning:
http://i382.photobucket.com/albums/oo267/hornsr1/army_squirrel.jpg
Posted via Mobile Device

burt
11-26-2011, 11:38 AM
I'm going to be having nuts dropped on me every time I go outside.

RAINMAN: PREPARING TO BE T-BAGGED AND SHIT!

Pasta Giant Meatball
11-26-2011, 11:40 AM
Shaun Smith is a shifter. Guard your nuts!!!

Okie_Apparition
11-26-2011, 12:56 PM
A plum tree pruning squirrel
There's a poop joke in there somewhere
hanging

burt
11-26-2011, 01:10 PM
A plum tree pruning squirrel
There's a poop joke in there somewhere
hanging

seems like you are going back to you OLD style. Which sucks.

Okie_Apparition
11-26-2011, 01:22 PM
Natty Light?
far far
worse

burt
11-26-2011, 02:42 PM
Natty Light?
far far
worse

brain damaged
you are, as
Okie Apparition or Blue Balls.

Gonzo
11-26-2011, 04:24 PM
brain damaged
you are, as
Okie Apparition or Blue Balls.

Reaper is
Going to
Shoot somebody soon
Posted via Mobile Device

Okie_Apparition
11-26-2011, 04:25 PM
your pornstache
is really a dyed squirrel tail
But I must admit it works

orange
11-26-2011, 04:41 PM
This thing catches the wind, arcs out and then peels back toward the tree. The plum tree is one of those trees that has a lot of dense branches and twigs and stuff, and this thing stays airborne, zips through the branches ... and nails the squirrel right in the shoulder blade. He never knew what hit him.

Good for you.

Last spring, I went to the mailbox one morning. After dropping in the letter, I turned back for the house. Across the street there was a squirrel on a branch and across about an eight-foot gap was a building, an old-folks home with an old-fashioned veranda balcony. The squirrel leapt for the balcony - missed - and hit the wall flush. He sort of toppled down the wall to the ground, layed there a few seconds, then realized the ground is no place for a squirrel to be in this cat&dog heavy neighborhood and leapt up onto the tree trunk. At this point, he noticed me watching him - and gave me thirty seconds of angry shit-talking as if I was to blame for his own incompetence!

These Denver squirrels need a little comeuppance.

4th and Long
11-26-2011, 09:25 PM
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Lcjuro94vNE/TojRmZUuNGI/AAAAAAAAKN0/lvhRtOMChX4/s1600/Nobody%2BMove%2521-I%2BDropped%2BMy%2BNuts.jpg

4th and Long
11-26-2011, 09:26 PM
I predict the squirrels will go all Jedi on Rain Man.

http://cdn-www.i-am-bored.com/media/36310_squrrilslightsabebattle678.jpg

tk13
11-26-2011, 09:29 PM
Has anyone heard from Rain Man today? It's entirely possible we will be getting a crudely made home video of Rain Man with duct tape over his mouth in a nondescript basement soon.

4th and Long
11-26-2011, 09:30 PM
Has anyone heard from Rain Man today? It's entirely possible we will be getting a crudely made home video of Rain Man with duct tape over his mouth in a nondescript basement soon.

More likely a nondescript hollow tree.

Misplaced_Chiefs_Fan
11-26-2011, 09:32 PM
He has been awfully quiet today. Maybe they got to him already.

Ah, poor Rainman.

Lumpy
11-26-2011, 09:45 PM
LMAO That is a funny story, Mr. Rain Man! Whatever you do, if you begin feeding your li'l furry buddy, (as opposed to hitting him w/ crackers), never run out of food!

This is the look I get from our squirrel, Wally, when we run out of peanuts...

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/eguPlDQUsYA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

We have another squirrel that comes around too, but he's too timid and won't let us feed him by hand. We named him Willy, (he only has one eye).

RJ
11-26-2011, 11:09 PM
Rainman, my only advice is......


http://i40.tinypic.com/zkpu6t.png

RJ
11-26-2011, 11:15 PM
Has anyone heard from Rain Man today? It's entirely possible we will be getting a crudely made home video of Rain Man with duct tape over his mouth in a nondescript basement soon.


I think it's important we all agree up front that we will never give in to terrorist demands.

Is there a SEAL team stationed near Denver?

Dartgod
11-26-2011, 11:42 PM
That was no ordinary squirrel.

http://www.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/images/2009/super_squirrel%5B1%5D.jpg

4th and Long
11-27-2011, 01:35 PM
This is the look I get from our squirrel, Wally
Does he play well with the Beaver?

Rausch
11-27-2011, 01:45 PM
You busy later today man?

'Cause, just say'n, if you'd like to throw a few more "crackers" you'd really be helping me out...

bench_cassel
10-12-2012, 05:40 PM
did you buy these squirrels online?

Rain Man
10-12-2012, 06:08 PM
did you buy these squirrels online?

Heh. I'd forgotten about this thread.

Fortunately, these were free public squirrels, so I'm not going to have the USPS coming after me for squirrel fraud.

In an unrelated squirrel incident, at least one of our free public squirrels has developed an odd habit. He comes up onto our 100+ year-old front porch and gnaws on the edges of the floor boards. I have no idea why, but he's taken almost half an inch off of two or three boards. He's not hungry, because there's food all around, and it's not like these 100+ year-old oak boards are tasty twigs. It's quite the mystery.

We have an apple tree in the back yard that practically rains apples, so we've moved several apples to the porch right where Mr. Squirrel does his gnawing. So far it seems to be working. He goes after the apples instead of the porch. But it's still confusing. The back yard is full of apples if he likes them, and I think he knows how to get to the back yard even though his tree is in the front yard.

Ebolapox
10-12-2012, 06:12 PM
wait--how did this not hit 100 replies? this place is slipping.

Fish
10-12-2012, 06:25 PM
Heh. I'd forgotten about this thread.

Fortunately, these were free public squirrels, so I'm not going to have the USPS coming after me for squirrel fraud.

In an unrelated squirrel incident, at least one of our free public squirrels has developed an odd habit. He comes up onto our 100+ year-old front porch and gnaws on the edges of the floor boards. I have no idea why, but he's taken almost half an inch off of two or three boards. He's not hungry, because there's food all around, and it's not like these 100+ year-old oak boards are tasty twigs. It's quite the mystery.

We have an apple tree in the back yard that practically rains apples, so we've moved several apples to the porch right where Mr. Squirrel does his gnawing. So far it seems to be working. He goes after the apples instead of the porch. But it's still confusing. The back yard is full of apples if he likes them, and I think he knows how to get to the back yard even though his tree is in the front yard.

He's taking care of his teeth. Squirrel teeth grow like 4-5" per year, and they have to constantly chew stuff other than food to trim down their teeth.

UteChief
10-12-2012, 06:25 PM
I do not know if I have ever read this thread before but it made my day.

Gary
10-12-2012, 06:31 PM
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_levrf7JK1I1qzd15i.gif

notorious
10-12-2012, 06:33 PM
I do not know if I have ever read this thread before but it made my day.

Scott Pioli is about to get an extension.


Enjoy the rest of your day. :D

Nickel D
10-12-2012, 06:45 PM
Just think what you could have done with a pistol...

(picture Rain Man sidearming -- no pun intended -- the gun into the tree)

T-post Tom
10-12-2012, 11:13 PM
http://media.kansascity.com/smedia/2012/10/11/10/40/975-12Kl0J.Em.55.jpeg

HOLLAND TOWNSHIP, Mich. -- Authorities say a blaze that displaced dozens of people from a southwest Michigan apartment complex may have been sparked by a resident trying to cook a squirrel with a propane torch.

Fire Chief Jim Kohsel tells MLive.com that the resident apparently planned to eat the animal and was burning off its fur on a third-floor deck at the building in Ottawa County's Holland Township when the fire broke out Wednesday. Flames spread to the roof. Kohsel says eight apartments are destroyed and others damaged.

The resident's name wasn't immediately released.

Kohsel says a firefighter broke a toe. No residents were injured.

Resident Tiffany Camburn told The Holland Sentinel that she and her neighbors had to evacuate their apartments.

The American Red Cross arranged temporary shelter and clothing for displaced residents.

Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/2012/10/11/3862325/squirrel-dinner-prep-maybe-sparked.html#storylink=cpy

Flachief58
10-12-2012, 11:23 PM
http://media.kansascity.com/smedia/2012/10/11/10/40/975-12Kl0J.Em.55.jpeg

HOLLAND TOWNSHIP, Mich. -- Authorities say a blaze that displaced dozens of people from a southwest Michigan apartment complex may have been sparked by a resident trying to cook a squirrel with a propane torch.

Fire Chief Jim Kohsel tells MLive.com that the resident apparently planned to eat the animal and was burning off its fur on a third-floor deck at the building in Ottawa County's Holland Township when the fire broke out Wednesday. Flames spread to the roof. Kohsel says eight apartments are destroyed and others damaged.

The resident's name wasn't immediately released.

Kohsel says a firefighter broke a toe. No residents were injured.

Resident Tiffany Camburn told The Holland Sentinel that she and her neighbors had to evacuate their apartments.

The American Red Cross arranged temporary shelter and clothing for displaced residents.

Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/2012/10/11/3862325/squirrel-dinner-prep-maybe-sparked.html#storylink=cpy

WTF? they're not that hard to skin :facepalm:

Bump
10-12-2012, 11:32 PM
that reminds me of the time I was out golfing with 2 buddies. There were a group of turkeys out in the fairway. Pretty far away, it was close to the green on a straight away par 4 and we teed off on a cliff and then you go down onto the fairway.

I said to my friends, $20 says I hit a turkey. Now I suck ass at golf and can't aim a golf ball accurately, I never even considered that I could actually hit them. Sure enough, nailed one. they all ran off and they never gave me any money.

Rain Man
10-12-2012, 11:33 PM
that reminds me of the time I was out golfing with 2 buddies. There were a group of turkeys out in the fairway. Pretty far away, it was close to the green on a straight away par 4 and we teed off on a cliff and then you go down onto the fairway.

I said to my friends, $20 says I hit a turkey. Now I suck ass at golf and can't aim a golf ball accurately, I never even considered that I could actually hit them. Sure enough, nailed one. they all ran off and they never gave me any money.

Your friends all ran off, or the turkeys all ran off? And which group owed you the $20?

Bump
10-12-2012, 11:35 PM
Your friends all ran off, or the turkeys all ran off? And which group owed you the $20?

lol the turkeys ran off, even though my friends said "ok" after I said "$20 says I hit a turkey", they felt it wasn't a real bet and never paid. Bastards.

craneref
10-13-2012, 12:40 AM
Reminds me of the time I threw a squirrel and hit a non-suspecting ritz cracker! :p

KcMizzou
10-13-2012, 12:45 AM
Reminds me of the time I threw a squirrel and hit a non-suspecting ritz cracker! :pMeh, who hasn't done that?

craneref
10-13-2012, 12:48 AM
Meh, who hasn't done that?

True, that is why I didn't bring it up before!

LoneWolf
10-13-2012, 07:40 AM
lol the turkeys ran off, even though my friends said "ok" after I said "$20 says I hit a turkey", they felt it wasn't a real bet and never paid. Bastards.

Sounds like your friends all work in upper management at big corporations. They only care about themselves and making money. What assholes.