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View Full Version : Poop It is untrue that women do not poop


Delano
08-19-2012, 09:10 PM
I thought this board may enjoy the following tale of bravery I found on another site.

Story time, children. Gather round.

Many years ago, when I was in high school, I worked at a movie theater. Allow me to preface the story by saying that I pride myself on my ability to accomplish tasks that I find unpleasant. My parents own several section 8 rental properties around Youngstown, and I had been roped into innumerable "This house is a mess, we're not paying anyone to clean it, we feed you, here's a bucket, get started" adventures in my short life. I had dealt with festering diapers left in the open air for months in summer, rotten food, spoiled milk, animal corpses, used hypodermics, anything you could imagine. Cleaning the grease trap in the concession area did not phase me. I was woefully unprepared this day.

I arrived in my polo shirt and slacks through the lobby entrance as some of the theaters were letting out. I could tell immediately something was amiss. One of the managers had put the caution tape we normally used to mark defective chairs over the door to the women's restroom, and was standing in front of the door looking worried. When a patron would try to enter, the manager would stop them, nod apologetically, make a brief "mia culpa" gesture with her hands, and usher them away. When she saw that I had arrived, her eyes immediately brightened and she waved emphatically for me to come over.

"Jenkins," she said, "You want to do something forP me? There's gas cards in it for you."

This should have been my tip off. Gas cards were highly prized commodities in the theater, being given only for the most exemplary service. To receive multiple gas cards was unheard of.

"How many gas cards?" I asked.
"Three."
"What do you want me to do?"
"There's a mess in the first stall. I want you to clean it up."
"Sure, no problem," said 17 year old me, ready to earn the easiest 30 bucks in gas cards of my life. I was naive, and did not expect the horrors that awaited me.

I was allowed entry into the women's restroom, and the first thing I noticed was the smell. It was the foulest thing I have ever smelled to this day. Imagine that a dozen homeless people are filming a scat porn with a dead dolphin inside a sweat lodge inside a paper mill next to the Jersey River in August. That pales in comparison to the unholy aroma permeating the room; its soft pink tiles ironic in the face of such an insidious odor.


After leaving the room to get a lungful of fresh air, I held my breath and proceeded to open the stall door there. What I was to bear witness to was a travesty. What had been done to that stall could not have been done by any creature, human or animal, but rather some breed of deranged shit demon conjured from the 8th circle of hell for the sole purpose of wreaking psychopathic excrement torture on the souls of the living.

Before me sat what I would estimate to be about two gallons of sludge-like human waste, coating the area immediately surrounding the toilet as if it had been somehow weaponized. It had caked the toilet, formed a 3 foot halo around the toilet, splattered and stuck to the back wall, caked itself onto the toilet paper dispenser, seeped into the little bin used for sanitary napkin disposal, and caked itself in a Pollock-esque pattern on the stall doors. Amongst the refuse, draped over the toilet's handle and pump was a medium-sized woman's cardigan that had originally been white, but appeared to have been subjected to a profane fecal tie-dye. To imagine this volume of crap being expelled from a living thing's anus in such volume and with such velocity as to form the specific pattern of disaster in front of me was to break the natural and physical laws of the universe. To look into that first stall was to look upon the face of God, and know with certainty that he is an angry and terrible God. Beware ye who would fight monsters, for when one stares into the shit abyss, the shit abyss stares back.

I left the restroom to prepare for my struggle against the cesspool. I donned gauntlets of nitrile, blue and sterile as the cleanest lagoon. From a hefty bag, I fashioned a hauberk and adorned my shoes and shins with packaging from frozen pretzels, held securely in place with rubber bands. I gathered 8 rolls of paper towels, three additional hefty bags, a mop and two extra mop heads, a bucket, and two gallons of green, undiluted industrial strength disinfectant. To finish my raiment, I stole the face mask from the blood born pathogen kit and doused it in industrial air freshener so that I could smell pine groves clearly when it was extended to arms length.

The battle began and raged for two hours that passed in a blur. I lost all sense of time. I forgot my hopes and dreams. I forgot my name. In retrospect, this may have been because I had doused a face mask in aerosol air freshener and was higher than an entire Phish concert. I scrubbed. I worked. I cursed. The battle raged on, and new enemies were discovered. In addition to the cardigan, there was a pair of formerly pink ankle socks. Anything that was not held in place by bolts or mortar had to be removed and destroyed.

In the end, I was victorious. I lost a lot of good men. The mop and mop bucket died valiantly in the effort, and were given a burial with full honors in the dumpster behind the theater. Because they were not proud men, and the general manager had a fragile temperament, whenever she inquired about them afterwards I maintained that they were lost. They would have wanted it that way.

I went on to leave the theater for college later that year, but the employees still talk of it to this day. I am the shitslayer.

TL;DR: It is untrue that girls do not poop.

Brock
08-19-2012, 09:15 PM
I worked in a bar once. The women's restroom would gag a maggot at 2 AM.

Direckshun
08-19-2012, 09:17 PM
Ignore thread.

Dr. Facebook Fever
08-19-2012, 09:18 PM
Women poop. My best friend likes to tell me about it when she does. She sent me a text once telling me she'd cleared out an aisle at Hy-Vee with her gas.

It's not hot.

threebag02
08-19-2012, 09:19 PM
I had women's room detail when I was younger and worked at the grocery store. I went in and started to clean the place GROSS. When I get to the toilet Holy Shit it was the size of a Volkswagen Beetle maybe a fucking Microbus. It had to be cut into 1/5's so the thing would flush. Largest shit I have ever seen.

Delano
08-19-2012, 09:22 PM
God bless the pitiful souls who've dealt with a woman's period shits.

SNR
08-19-2012, 09:30 PM
Women indeed poop. I've smelled shit from women far fouler than anything I've ever dumped into a toilet.

Guru
08-19-2012, 09:33 PM
ROFL

Rain Man
08-19-2012, 09:33 PM
Gender aside, I still have memories of restrooms in India that induce PTSD.

Shogun
08-19-2012, 09:34 PM
Caught my gf pooping...so I broke up with her
She said shes off to pee while were watching a movie, now shes been gone 5 minutes and i knew something was up, i knocked on the door and asked if everything is ok, she said yes she'll be right out...her voice was labored and i became suspicious...so i yelled "IM COMING IN!' she screamed no but there was no stopping this, i smashed through the door and i see her sitting on the toilet seat, i told her to get the fuk up, she didnt so i threw her off, i looked inside the toilet...just as i suspected, a goddam log, bitch u better pray this isnt yours. i looked around and saw no pet in site, I KNOW THIS IS UR POOP U WHORE, she screamed at me that im crazy and that shes calling the cops, all the while toilet paper in her hands. i told her no need to call the cops, im breaking up with u u some kinda poop whore. and that was that. I feel like a new man and off to find a woman who doesnt poop.

booger
08-19-2012, 09:40 PM
billay would lick her cornhole

Caseyguyrr
08-19-2012, 09:48 PM
Caught my gf pooping...so I broke up with her
She said shes off to pee while were watching a movie, now shes been gone 5 minutes and i knew something was up, i knocked on the door and asked if everything is ok, she said yes she'll be right out...her voice was labored and i became suspicious...so i yelled "IM COMING IN!' she screamed no but there was no stopping this, i smashed through the door and i see her sitting on the toilet seat, i told her to get the fuk up, she didnt so i threw her off, i looked inside the toilet...just as i suspected, a goddam log, bitch u better pray this isnt yours. i looked around and saw no pet in site, I KNOW THIS IS UR POOP U WHORE, she screamed at me that im crazy and that shes calling the cops, all the while toilet paper in her hands. i told her no need to call the cops, im breaking up with u u some kinda poop whore. and that was that. I feel like a new man and off to find a woman who doesnt poop.

dude, she was probably a he

threebag02
08-19-2012, 09:53 PM
dude, she was probably a he

Captains Log

Wallcrawler
08-19-2012, 10:11 PM
ROFL

Demonpenz
08-19-2012, 11:19 PM
You ever take a shit that smells so bad the janitor swears that he is going back to school so he never has to clean a bathroom again?

rtmike
08-19-2012, 11:20 PM
The other morning I woke up hearing a high pitched gas explosion & immediately thought, "Damnit, now I gotta smell her rotten ass." It occurred to me the wife & daughter were out @ her parents' for the night so I immediately sat up to see our Golden squirting out a puddle on the bathroom floor. First time that's ever happened. It was feeding time so I thought he was getting impatient when he tried to get me up.

My wife will not crap anywhere but home. I can't help but wonder how some thing that looks that good can stink so bad?

Big Smoke
08-19-2012, 11:20 PM
Only fat women poop. The poop a lot.

Chiefs Pantalones
08-19-2012, 11:27 PM
Only fat women poop. The poop a lot.

Only fat and minority women poop. Black, Native American (hell I live around a bunch here in AZ and it's like their perfume) and Mexican women all stink it up so bad that you can smell it in the hallway of a theater and/or store. It's probably the food they eat, which isn't healthy for them. lol

Pablo
08-19-2012, 11:31 PM
You ever take a shit that smells so bad the janitor swears that he is going back to school so he never has to clean a bathroom again?I took a shit earlier tonight that crept through the entire house. It dominated every molecule. It smelled like hot beer was poured onto fresh cat shit.

ThaVirus
08-19-2012, 11:31 PM
The OP and Shogun's stories were amusing.

Big Smoke
08-19-2012, 11:32 PM
There used to be a very large group of Indian people that hung out in this one building at Northwest. Granted they smelled bad in the first place, but when they gathered, the odor was UN-immaginable. If you happened to meet one as they were walking out of the bathroom... You were better off just shitting your pants. That bathroom needed to be put on lockdown.

Dr. Facebook Fever
08-19-2012, 11:33 PM
Gf just pooped then wanted to cuddle. I told her to go to bed.

Chiefs Pantalones
08-19-2012, 11:34 PM
I told my wife that if she ever farted around me I'd divorce her.

Dr. Facebook Fever
08-19-2012, 11:34 PM
I took a shit earlier tonight that crept through the entire house. It dominated every molecule. It smelled like hot beer was poured onto fresh cat shit.

Been laughing for 2 solid minutes.

Big Smoke
08-19-2012, 11:37 PM
You ever take a shit that smells so bad the janitor swears that he is going back to school so he never has to clean a bathroom again?

Are you that janitor? :hmmm:

griZZly64
08-19-2012, 11:44 PM
this thread is fuckin hilar

SNR
08-19-2012, 11:47 PM
You ever take a shit that smells so bad the janitor swears that he is going back to school so he never has to clean a bathroom again?

That's funny, because my goal in life is to one day make such a large mess out of a public bathroom that it requires educated people to clean it up.

Like, we're talking planning and strategy. At least 10 types of chemicals, and one of them should be something you can't just buy over the counter. Machinery should be used. Making lists. Hiring EXTRA people to complete the task as efficiently as possible or face the wrath of what my poop might bring.

Dr. Facebook Fever
08-19-2012, 11:54 PM
3 weeks ago I pooped in the handicap stall at the mall. Fuck you I was picking up a gift for my daughter, that's why I was at the mall. Anyway... apparently the toilet was already clogged because my job wasn't particularly impressive nor was the paperwork. It over-flowded and ran all over the floor. Luckily there was a drain in the floor but the mess was left behind. I felt sorry for the unlucky janitor who had to clean that up but wtf was I suppossed to do?

I left without a worry.

No I'm not handicapped but no one else was around and their stalls are so large and luxurious...

rtmike
08-20-2012, 12:16 AM
3 weeks ago I pooped in the handicap stall at the mall. **** you I was picking up a gift for my daughter, that's why I was at the mall. Anyway... apparently the toilet was already clogged because my job wasn't particularly impressive nor was the paperwork. It over-flowded and ran all over the floor. Luckily there was a drain in the floor but the mess was left behind. I felt sorry for the unlucky janitor who had to clean that up but wtf was I suppossed to do?

I left without a worry.

No I'm not handicapped but no one else was around and their stalls are so large and luxurious...


Good for you. I'm not handicapped either. I just push this chair around for the parking.


Happens all the time. There can be 10 stalls & 1 handicap. The able bodied person will use the hdcp stall 90% of the time. After all they're very large & comfy so why not be comfortable while leaving your fecal behind.

And in those instances I have zero problems cathing right out in the open. Sure, I might be able to jam myself into one of those regular stalls but the door would be open anyways. So I back right up to the occupied hdcp stall & do my thing. There sure are lotsa squeamish grown men. ROFL

Dr. Facebook Fever
08-20-2012, 12:20 AM
Good for you. I'm not handicapped either. I just push this chair around for the parking.


Happens all the time. There can be 10 stalls & 1 handicap. The able bodied person will use the hdcp stall 90% of the time. After all they're very large & comfy so why not be comfortable while leaving your fecal behind.

And in those instances I have zero problems cathing right out in the open. Sure, I might be able to jam myself into one of those regular stalls but the door would be open anyways. So I back right up to the occupied hdcp stall & do my thing. There sure are lotsa squeamish grown men. ROFL

I have a gift for posting the wrong thing at the wrong time. It's a calling I think.

FWIW the toilet looked free and clear... until I flushed. Then all hell broke loose. Oh and I didn't mention the only other stall was dirty.

bricks
08-20-2012, 12:28 AM
I had women's room detail when I was younger and worked at the grocery store. I went in and started to clean the place GROSS. When I get to the toilet Holy Shit it was the size of a Volkswagen Beetle maybe a ****ing Microbus. It had to be cut into 1/5's so the thing would flush. Largest shit I have ever seen.

:LOL: Dude thanks that was great

Frazod
08-20-2012, 12:30 AM
http://thumbsnap.com/s/PgsyAQA9.jpg

booger
08-20-2012, 12:56 AM
if i sold power washers i would advertise in this thread.

and wet vacs.

and astronaught suits

Fire Me Boy!
08-20-2012, 06:54 AM
When I was a teen working in the grocery store, I saw a woman go into the bathroom and immediately exit. She came over to me and said someone needs to clean the bathroom. I knocked on the door and waited a couple seconds, then opened it up and looked inside. Someone had explosive diarrhea ALL OVER the women's bathroom. Liquid shit all over the toilet... on the sink... all over. The manager told me to clean it up. I told him he didn't pay me enough to clean that up, and if he tried to force me to, I'd quit. Wasn't happening. Only time in my life I've ever threatened to quit and walk off a job.

JD10367
08-20-2012, 07:00 AM
Men are dirty. They leave the seats up, pee on the floor, forget to flush theier pee sometimes.

Women are filthy. There's a difference. They leave shit in the bowl, they leave bloody tampons around, etc.,.

Ask any business owner or public area supervisor and they'll tell you, the women's room is always worse than the men's room.

JD10367
08-20-2012, 07:03 AM
When I was a teen working in the grocery store, I saw a woman go into the bathroom and immediately exit. She came over to me and said someone needs to clean the bathroom. I knocked on the door and waited a couple seconds, then opened it up and looked inside. Someone had explosive diarrhea ALL OVER the women's bathroom. Liquid shit all over the toilet... on the sink... all over. The manager told me to clean it up. I told him he didn't pay me enough to clean that up, and if he tried to force me to, I'd quit. Wasn't happening. Only time in my life I've ever threatened to quit and walk off a job.

Hell, I quit the first job I ever had just when they asked me to CLEAN the bathrooms. It was a Woolworth's. I thought I'd been hired to stock shelves, maybe cashier a little. Spent the first day sweeping and mopping floors (keep in mind I was a kid who'd never worked before and never cleaned before). Then he hands me a toilet brush and says "Go clean the bathrooms". I said, "Uh, no, I quit," and walked out. Walked next door and got hired at the liquor store. I thought, "This'll be better." They stuck me on the bottle bill return counter: years of homeless people and smelly roach-filled bottles... and it was still better in my mind than cleaning other peoples' shit.

bevischief
08-20-2012, 08:03 AM
ROFLROFL

threebag02
08-20-2012, 08:09 AM
:LOL: Dude thanks that was great

I was 17 and I bet I flushed 75 gallons of water down trying to soften that thing. I went and got everyone that was working to show them. The size was unfucking believable. I didn't remember any EMS calls nor did I recall anyone dragging themselves out of the store. I know that bomb had to cause permanent damage. Two of my buddies watched as I cut it in half it still didn't go down I had to cut the halves in halves to clear the basin. No 17 year old should have to do that.

notorious
08-20-2012, 08:56 AM
http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs5/2173274_o.gif

lcarus
08-20-2012, 09:08 AM
I have stared into the shit abyss this fellow shitslayer speaks of. It stared back. OH IT STARED BACK!

notorious
08-20-2012, 09:09 AM
Bartended for years.


That's all I am going to say......

Omaha
08-20-2012, 09:18 AM
Only fat women poop. The poop a lot.

They should poop more. You know... to lose weight.

ChiTown
08-20-2012, 09:19 AM
Bartended for years.


That's all I am going to say......

ROFL

Me too. I had to wake a girl who had passed out on the shitter. It was not a pleasant job for either of us.

notorious
08-20-2012, 09:50 AM
ROFL

Me too. I had to wake a girl who had passed out on the shitter. It was not a pleasant job for either of us.

....damnit, you are bringing back memories.....

We had to carry a girl out that passed out on the bathroom floor :eek:. She got taken to the emergency room shortly after.


A few days later she came in and told us she was upset that she got taken to the ER. I guess going into shock after taking diet pills, stacker 2, and drinking shouldn't require a doctor visit.


I could never touch a woman that has been on a bar bathroom floor. It is impossible to clean off that kind of nasty.

Stupid bitch. :facepalm:

lcarus
08-20-2012, 09:53 AM
....damnit, you are bringing back memories.....

We had to carry a girl out that passed out on the bathroom floor :eek:. She got taken to the emergency room shortly after.


A few days later she came in and told us she was upset that she got taken to the ER. I guess going into shock after taking diet pills, stacker 2, and drinking shouldn't require a doctor visit.


I could never touch a woman that has been on a bar bathroom floor. It is impossible to clean off that kind of nasty.

Stupid bitch. :facepalm:

There are specific reasons why I rarely go to bars, and when I do, I don't stay for long.

jwazzie
08-20-2012, 10:36 AM
Caught my gf pooping...so I broke up with her
She said shes off to pee while were watching a movie, now shes been gone 5 minutes and i knew something was up, i knocked on the door and asked if everything is ok, she said yes she'll be right out...her voice was labored and i became suspicious...so i yelled "IM COMING IN!' she screamed no but there was no stopping this, i smashed through the door and i see her sitting on the toilet seat, i told her to get the fuk up, she didnt so i threw her off, i looked inside the toilet...just as i suspected, a goddam log, bitch u better pray this isnt yours. i looked around and saw no pet in site, I KNOW THIS IS UR POOP U WHORE, she screamed at me that im crazy and that shes calling the cops, all the while toilet paper in her hands. i told her no need to call the cops, im breaking up with u u some kinda poop whore. and that was that. I feel like a new man and off to find a woman who doesnt poop.

ROFL Good Lord that is funny!

ChiefButthurt
08-20-2012, 10:46 AM
I took a shit earlier tonight that crept through the entire house. It dominated every molecule. It smelled like hot beer was poured onto fresh cat shit.

Ah man seriously? You derserve a neg rep for that.

notorious
08-20-2012, 11:15 AM
There are specific reasons why I rarely go to bars, and when I do, I don't stay for long.

No Crawpappy's or Sutures?

Those places used to be sweet, but the last time I stopped by while visiting it sucked.


Since we are doing poop threads, I might as well tell my story about Crawpappys. The mens bathroom had no partitian between the shitter and the standups, so they decided to put a shower curtain in.

Within a few days, someone wiped their ass with the shower curtain. There are some disgusting people in this world.

Big Smoke
08-20-2012, 11:20 AM
They should poop more. You know... to lose weight.

ROFL

notorious
08-20-2012, 11:23 AM
They should poop more. You know... to lose weight.

The fat ones poop more, so why aren't they skinnier?

Big Smoke
08-20-2012, 11:26 AM
The fat ones poop more, so why aren't they skinnier?

They gotta poop a lifetime to lose the weight.

lcarus
08-20-2012, 09:44 PM
No Crawpappy's or Sutures?

Those places used to be sweet, but the last time I stopped by while visiting it sucked.


Since we are doing poop threads, I might as well tell my story about Crawpappys. The mens bathroom had no partitian between the shitter and the standups, so they decided to put a shower curtain in.

Within a few days, someone wiped their ass with the shower curtain. There are some disgusting people in this world.

I used to live in the condos right next to that
Sutures. I only went there a handful of times. Was not a big fan of it.

JohnnyHammersticks
08-21-2012, 12:12 AM
Caught my gf pooping...so I broke up with her
She said shes off to pee while were watching a movie, now shes been gone 5 minutes and i knew something was up, i knocked on the door and asked if everything is ok, she said yes she'll be right out...her voice was labored and i became suspicious...so i yelled "IM COMING IN!' she screamed no but there was no stopping this, i smashed through the door and i see her sitting on the toilet seat, i told her to get the fuk up, she didnt so i threw her off, i looked inside the toilet...just as i suspected, a goddam log, bitch u better pray this isnt yours. i looked around and saw no pet in site, I KNOW THIS IS UR POOP U WHORE, she screamed at me that im crazy and that shes calling the cops, all the while toilet paper in her hands. i told her no need to call the cops, im breaking up with u u some kinda poop whore. and that was that. I feel like a new man and off to find a woman who doesnt poop.

She's the ****ing crazy one--you should have called the cops on her. Stupid poop whore. It's why I exclusively date anorexics. The food never makes it past their stomachs. No digestion = no poop.

boogblaster
08-21-2012, 12:14 AM
ive wiped on worse .....

Raiderhader
08-21-2012, 01:38 AM
One night at the last bar I worked in down in Tejas my cocktail comes to me and informs me the semi-drunk and emotional chick at the bar had just had a miscarriage earlier that day. Not long after that the chick disappears in the bathroom for a bit. Comes back out and her and her friend pay and leave. It is brought to my attention not long after that there is blood all over the toilet, including on the outside of it and on the floor. My cocktail very promptly says there is no way she is cleaning that, there is no way she COULD clean it with out making an even bigger mess. So yea me, as is usaully the case, I get to go clean it. It wasn't quite as much blood as I had been led to believe but, still one of the nastiest cleaning jobs I've ever had.

If remembered correctly I sat at the bar after we closed drinking whiskey while watching the waitress clean my bar as some sort of retribution.