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View Full Version : Life My marketing advice to panhandlers.


Rain Man
08-21-2012, 08:16 PM
Based on years of walking by panhandlers, and years in the market research business, I would like to offer the following advice to panhandlers.

1. Don't smoke. When your prospects see you smoking, you lose 80 percent of them. The non-smokers will all assume that you will only spend your money on cigarettes. The smokers will just bum a cigarette off of you.

2. Don't claim to be a veteran. Even if you are. It's overdone. And never EVER claim to be a veteran of either airborne division. It's a dead giveaway that you're lying. If you must claim to be a veteran, go with something obscure like a supply battalion.

3. Carry a big backpack with a bedroll. Passersby will assume that you're headed somewhere. This implies productivity in its own right, but also more importantly signifies that you're going to be leaving their vicinity in the near future.

4. Be female if at all possible. Attractive helps.

5. Be dirty, but not too dirty. If you're clean you don't need help (though see exception below in Tip 6). If you're too dirty, you're beyond help. Per Tip #3, you need to be just dirty enough to look like you've been walking a great distance. For wardrobe, go with bright but slightly dirty colors.

6. If you can go clean, go with a suit and tie and good grooming. Then go with the "I lost my wallet" approach and be prepared to move frequently within and between cities. However, if you're going to this much work, you should probably just get a job.

7. Carry a chess set. Everyone likes an intellectual hobo, and it looks like you're a hobo for your own reasons rather than being the filthy, drug-addicted alcoholic that you likely are.

8. Cute signs may work, but know your audience. Don't do the "Why lie? I need a beer" sign in the morning when people are on their way to work, for example. Self-deprecating humor is good, but can't be too extreme (e.g., "Need money for Lear Jet repairs"). Topical humor can be good, so read the newspapers that you sleep in to find ideas.

9. Missing limbs are gold, but only if not displayed prominently. Let the viewer discover them for themselves.

10. If in a southern state, attempt to look like Jesus. If in a northern state, attempt to look like a threat to those around you. If in a midwestern state, go to a different region because they'll just tell you to get a job. If in a western state, wear a sign that says "panhandler" to differentiate yourself from outdoorspeople and/or hippies.

Bwana
08-21-2012, 08:18 PM
LMAO

Dr. Facebook Fever
08-21-2012, 08:21 PM
I have to re-design my whole focus now.

Dammit.

T-post Tom
08-21-2012, 08:22 PM
Your words come across as inauthentic considering the Casino cash that you're hoarding. You'll have to give out some of that cash before you can be taken seriously on giving out advice to 'panhandlers'. BTW, can you spare some Casino cash? I need gas money to get my preggo wife to her next doctor's visit.

:p

Phobia
08-21-2012, 08:51 PM
This is funnier than 99.98% of the stuff on facebook... so I put it there.

Garcia Bronco
08-21-2012, 08:55 PM
LMAO.

RevDrChance
08-21-2012, 08:55 PM
I think having a minor talent can be helpful, like being able to play a guitar missing a string or two.

And not doing something stupid, like moving north for the winter.

Sully
08-21-2012, 08:58 PM
11. Stop reading Chiefs Planet. If you can afford the interwebz, you can afford a sandwich.

Garcia Bronco
08-21-2012, 08:58 PM
This is funnier than 99.98% of the stuff on facebook... so I put it there.

I wonder if it'll trend around a little.

Munson
08-21-2012, 09:07 PM
Good advice.

I'll pass it on to all the panhandlers I see at the supermarket and highway off-ramps around here.

Dr. Facebook Fever
08-21-2012, 09:10 PM
11. Stop reading Chiefs Planet. If you can afford the interwebz, you can afford a sandwich.

Where did it say the hobo/panhandler was someone reading CP?

Sully
08-21-2012, 09:24 PM
Where did it say the hobo/panhandler was someone reading CP?

If they are reading the advice, they are on CP. (or, I guess, Phobia's Facebook).

Rain Man
08-22-2012, 10:01 AM
This is funnier than 99.98% of the stuff on facebook... so I put it there.

Oh, hey. Can you attach a picture of a kitten to it? I want to see if it can go viral.

tooge
08-22-2012, 10:14 AM
If they are reading the advice, they are on CP. (or, I guess, Phobia's Facebook).

Most of Phobias facebook friends are more than likely panhandlers.

Fish
08-22-2012, 10:31 AM
I'm going to print off a few dozen copies, and hand them out over the next few days.

Thanks.

Rain Man
08-22-2012, 10:35 AM
I'm going to print off a few dozen copies, and hand them out over the next few days.

Thanks.

If you want, you can be in charge of random fax system distribution. Be sure to smudge it before you send it, though, so we can compete with the classics.

http://www.boredstupid.com/noticeboard/thumb/you_want_it_when_sm.gif