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View Full Version : News Chris Kluwe: "[Homosexuals] won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster"


Fried Meat Ball!
09-08-2012, 06:16 AM
http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-magically-turn-you-into-a-lustful-cockmonster-chris-kluwe-explains-gay-marriage-to-the-politician-who-is-offended-by-an-nfl-player-supporting-it

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo has spoken out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage. Yahoo has published a letter that Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote last week to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, urging him to "inhibit such expressions from your employee." This is Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe's response to Burns.

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland's state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):
1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should "inhibit such expressions from your employees," more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person's right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mind****ing obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.

2. "Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement." Holy ****ing shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who's "deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland"? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you're going to say that political views have "no place in a sport"? I can't even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for "beautiful oppressionism").

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you'll start thinking about penis? "Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won't come into your house and steal your children. They won't magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won't even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth cluster**** you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I'm fairly certain you might need it.

Sincerely,
Chris Kluwe

P.S. I've also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your "I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing" and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

Stewie
09-08-2012, 06:21 AM
Kluwe is awesome.

Dayze
09-08-2012, 06:36 AM
Beat down lol

JD10367
09-08-2012, 06:43 AM
Can I posrep him?

Pablo
09-08-2012, 07:27 AM
Good work.

OnTheWarpath58
09-08-2012, 07:30 AM
http://gifsforum.com/images/gif/clap%20clap%20clap/grand/00982873_clap_gif.gif

Simplicity
09-08-2012, 07:38 AM
Sign HIM!

OnTheWarpath58
09-08-2012, 07:42 AM
Something tells me there are going to be a lot of Fantasy Football owners changing their team name to Lustful Cockmonsters today.

LMAO

DaFace
09-08-2012, 07:43 AM
Chris Kluwe is awesome. He's a fairly active member of Reddit and has done an AMA on there. Seems like a really cool guy.

Molitoth
09-08-2012, 07:46 AM
kluwe is awesome

Shag
09-08-2012, 07:53 AM
Kluwe is hilarious. They have him on the radio up here somewhat often, and he's awesome. He was also asked to post a cleaned-up version, which is equally hilarious...

http://blogs.twincities.com/outofbounds/2012/09/08/out-of-bounds-blog-no-8-inquisitive-kitten-pawing-at-yarn/


First off, let me say thank you to all the people that commented on my letter to Emmett C. Burns Jr. You all give me great hope for the human race; that one day we can rise up past the petty differences that divide us and realize we’re all in this together. Perhaps our children won’t look back on our stewardship with regret.

Secondly, I heard from quite a few sources (including my dad) that the letter would have been more powerful and delivered the message better without the swearing. That those who would refute the point could seize upon my colorful insults to dismiss the main thrust as little more than childish antics and egotistical displays of temper.

Bollocks.

The swearing is there for a reason. What Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote, what I responded to, was far more disgusting and foul minded than any simple scatological reference or genital mashup. His words degrade the very essence of the English language with their barely hidden venom and intolerant hate; drag it screaming into the muck of iniquity by wrapping a mantle of seeming reasonableness around corruption and control; masquerade as discourse while screaming their very lie to any Heaven you care to name – I could go on.

My words? My words are a litmus test for those that would see the truth of a message rather than the package it’s delivered in. I won’t lie, it’s also because I personally find them entertaining to write and read (as do a large amount of other people), but those who would argue that my message means nothing simply because I’m referencing a portion of the male anatomy would never have accepted it anyway. They would have used other excuses, excuses like “Oh he’s just a punter”, or “What do you know, you just play football”, or “No one cares what you think you pillowbiter”.

No, my words are meant for those that might be on the fence, those that are initially drawn in due to shock, or laughter, or outrage, but then look at what lies beneath, the truth of the matter. Them I might reach, might offer a quick lightbulb flicker of “Ohhh, so that’s what’s wrong with that argument”. But those who don’t look, who don’t question, who happily treat the symptoms and not the disease – isn’t that the very problem with our politics today? No one is interested in what lies hidden in plain sight beneath what’s said; the glossy dung ball of intolerance and hate buffed to a lustrous gleam by rhetoric and catchphrases.

So here is my gift to you. The exact same letter, but without the oh so naughty words that only mean what we allow them to mean. What will your excuse be this time?

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,
I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of the United States government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):

1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should “inhibit such expressions from your employees”, more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-bogglingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. SAD PUPPY DOG EYES hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.

2. “Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement.” DISAPPOINTED LEMUR FACE WITH SOLITARY TEAR TRICKLING DOWN TO CHIN. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who’s “deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland”? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”? I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a ten for “beautiful oppressionism”).

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about DANCING CHUBTOAD? “ALACK AND ALAS MY TOP HAT HAS FALLEN. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that DELICIOUS STATE FAIR HOTDOG!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (unlikely, gay people enjoy watching football too)
I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero affect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful FROLICKING OSTRICH. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90% of our population, rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth SLIDE WHISTLE TO E FLAT you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.

Sincerely,
Chris Kluwe

p.s. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. UNFORTUNATELY PHALLIC HEDGE SCULPTURE.

Dartgod
09-08-2012, 07:53 AM
Any chance we could get him to register and post here?

Dave Lane
09-08-2012, 08:03 AM
Chris Kluwe in 2012!

-King-
09-08-2012, 08:47 AM
Baltimore should impeach Burns and elect Kluwe to take his place.
Posted via Mobile Device

Mr. Laz
09-08-2012, 09:07 AM
Chris Kluwe is awesome. He's a fairly active member of Reddit and has done an AMA on there. Seems like a really cool guy.this

Zebedee DuBois
09-08-2012, 09:30 AM
Standing Ovation for the person promoting equal rights for all citizens.

Fried Meat Ball!
09-08-2012, 09:33 AM
"Slide whistle to e-flat" should be immediately accepted into the American lexicon. RIGHT. NOW.

lewdog
09-08-2012, 09:38 AM
He is more articulate than most of our political figureheads. Always have like this guy.

Trade him for Cassel straight up?

Stewie
09-08-2012, 09:39 AM
"Slide whistle to e-flat" should be immediately accepted into the American lexicon. RIGHT. NOW.

I'll admit I have no clue what that means. Of course, I'm old.

DaFace
09-08-2012, 09:41 AM
Any chance we could get him to register and post here?

Heh...I doubt it, but you never know. I sent him a message on reddit to ask just to try.

ThaVirus
09-08-2012, 09:59 AM
I low this guy.

Rausch
09-08-2012, 10:16 AM
Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland's state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail

I'm sold.

If true I'm a huge fan.

Not because of his argument, not because he's taken the time to write something that not only makes sense but is also is readable, not because of his politics, (all these things do impress me) but instead due to an NFL player taking the time to do the right thing the right way.

You want your voice heard?

Write your congressman.

Then get people behind you and have them write.

Then post it on facebook and have 2,000,000 strangers write in.

They represent us. That's their job - be our voice.

When they stop doing so flush them...

Canofbier
09-08-2012, 10:27 AM
"Slide whistle to e-flat" should be immediately accepted into the American lexicon. RIGHT. NOW.

Hell yeah, I practically choked on my lunch when I read that.

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/NvyAqL3H4Js" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

NJChiefsFan
09-08-2012, 11:21 AM
This is amazing.

keg in kc
09-08-2012, 11:32 AM
Holy shit, hilarious and awesome.

ThaVirus
09-08-2012, 11:35 AM
I low this guy.

*like

Gay ass phone.

Mr. Laz
09-08-2012, 12:04 PM
I low this guy.

*like

Gay ass phone.
so you AND YOUR phone are teh lustful cockmonsters?

Baby Lee
09-08-2012, 01:34 PM
Standing Ovation for the person promoting equal rights for all citizens.

It's this level of hyperbole that provokes me to respond. This isn't equal rights for every citizen. It's some rights enjoyed by a portion of citizens being extended to a few more. Don't see marriage rights for polygamists or green card marriages or good platonic friends. It's an ad hoc adjustment, not a generalized extension of rights to all.

Phobia
09-08-2012, 01:47 PM
I don't like him. He seems like a disrespectful jerk. I'll bet he's trampling my lawn right now.

BryanBusby
09-08-2012, 01:50 PM
Don't like it. He's taken something that's a pretty big deal and used it as an opportunity to write a ridiculous letter filled with "edgy" phrases.

A Salt Weapon
09-08-2012, 01:51 PM
Must of had Solinsky as his coach
Posted via Mobile Device

KChiefer
09-08-2012, 01:55 PM
Something tells me there are going to be a lot of Fantasy Football owners changing their team name to Lustful Cockmonsters today.

LMAO

Seriously tempted to change my name from "Legitimate Rapists" to this.

Pitt Gorilla
09-08-2012, 01:58 PM
It's this level of hyperbole that provokes me to respond. This isn't equal rights for every citizen. It's some rights enjoyed by a portion of citizens being extended to a few more. Don't see marriage rights for polygamists or green card marriages or good platonic friends. It's an ad hoc adjustment, not a generalized extension of rights to all.LMAO Good Lord, dude.

Baby Lee
09-08-2012, 02:24 PM
LMAO Good Lord, dude.

Witty riposte. So informative.

Dave Lane
09-08-2012, 02:48 PM
Witty riposte. So informative.

Actually, it has far more depth and understanding than your post.

go bowe
09-08-2012, 02:59 PM
where's that popcorn smiley?

Sorter
09-08-2012, 03:29 PM
http://i54.tinypic.com/4q37o7.jpg

and this just for the topic
http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/40/lawnmowerdance.gif

Baby Lee
09-08-2012, 04:32 PM
Actually, it has far more depth and understanding than your post.

Does the dictionary even work any more? Or has BEP won in her quest for words to mean whatever anyone wants them to today?

Evidently, depth, understanding and equality have lost all meaning in the recent past.

listopencil
09-08-2012, 05:18 PM
It's this level of hyperbole that provokes me to respond. This isn't equal rights for every citizen. It's some rights enjoyed by a portion of citizens being extended to a few more. Don't see marriage rights for polygamists or green card marriages or good platonic friends. It's an ad hoc adjustment, not a generalized extension of rights to all.

He's speaking of the choice to marry someone of the same sex, leading to those benefits that he described. I do agree with you on polygamy though.

bevischief
09-08-2012, 05:21 PM
where's that popcorn smiley?

:popcorn:

JoeyChuckles
09-08-2012, 05:32 PM
I often wonder why so many religious people feel the need to speak out about same-sex marriage. Will it help them get into heaven, or are they trying to help the gays get into heaven? It has to be one or the other, right?

stevieray
09-08-2012, 05:52 PM
I often wonder why so many religious people feel the need to speak out about same-sex marriage.

I often wonder why the topic of God is mostly brought up by naysayers.

Mr. Laz
09-08-2012, 06:05 PM
I often wonder why so many religious people feel the need to speak out about same-sex marriage. Will it help them get into heaven, or are they trying to help the gays get into heaven? It has to be one or the other, right?because they are taught to "preach" at people who don't live the correct way.

Ugly Duck
09-08-2012, 07:58 PM
So you don't believe that gaydom destroys American families? Lewis Black spells it out (NSFW)...

<iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/IwtpMmssKv8?feature=player_detailpage" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Tombstone RJ
09-08-2012, 08:30 PM
kluwe is a phagbot.

NJChiefsFan
09-08-2012, 08:53 PM
It's this level of hyperbole that provokes me to respond. This isn't equal rights for every citizen. It's some rights enjoyed by a portion of citizens being extended to a few more. Don't see marriage rights for polygamists or green card marriages or good platonic friends. It's an ad hoc adjustment, not a generalized extension of rights to all.

Thats true, but I am not sure that Kluwe would be against those either. I do understand your point, but not sure I feel Kluwe would be against it. So I am not sure how much it should provoke you. Unless you are talking in generalization and not on Kluwe.

Pawnmower
09-08-2012, 09:08 PM
hahahah Kluwe is a bad ass

tk13
09-09-2012, 07:36 PM
LMAO This is an actual conversation from tonight. It is good to see Brandon McCarthy tweeting after his brain injury.

‏@BMcCarthy32

Does autocorrect have a brain injury edition? Jesus this shit's impossible

Chris Kluwe ‏@ChrisWarcraft

@BMcCarthy32 I swear it's getting stupider by the day. On a plus note, my phone recognized "cockmonster", so there's that.

mcan
09-09-2012, 09:18 PM
It's this level of hyperbole that provokes me to respond. This isn't equal rights for every citizen. It's some rights enjoyed by a portion of citizens being extended to a few more. Don't see marriage rights for polygamists or green card marriages or good platonic friends. It's an ad hoc adjustment, not a generalized extension of rights to all.

Mental gymnastics, indeed.

where is the hyperbole?

DaKCMan AP
09-10-2012, 08:29 AM
Don't like it. He's taken something that's a pretty big deal and used it as an opportunity to write a ridiculous letter filled with "edgy" phrases.

What are you referring to as "a pretty big deal"? That an elected representative wants to infringe upon the first amendment rights of a professional football player?

Fried Meat Ball!
09-10-2012, 08:54 AM
Don't like it. He's taken something that's a pretty big deal and used it as an opportunity to write a ridiculous letter filled with "edgy" phrases.

If the only thing you took out of that were "edgy" phrases, you missed the substance of the letter entirely.

NewChief
11-06-2012, 09:57 AM
Dessa interviews Kluwe (who is wearing a Sparklepony shirt :rockon: ). Way cool. And damn, Dessa so fine.

http://growlermag.com/dessa-chris-kluwe-talk-football-and-marriage-amendments/