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Rain Man
12-17-2012, 11:51 AM
December 21st is likely arriving faster than you expect. Have you been working to prepare for it? If not, here are a few last-minute survival tips for you, and everyone should feel free to add their own. Let's all get through this thing and band together into a tribe to take over the world, or whatever remains of it.

1. Identify your most prepared neighbor and determine how to kill this person quickly so you can take their stuff. You might consider taking a hostage from their household on the evening of December 20th.

2. Gummy bears have a long shelf life and are particularly resistant to radiation.

3. In a post-apocalyptic world, fertile people will be valuable in repopulating the earth. Consider buying a cup or other protective device. Lacking that, place a pillow in your pants for the first few days after the event.

4. You can drink water out of your toilet tank, your hot water heater, and your car radiator. Additionally, water tends to pool in craters.

5. A jaguar-skin robe may make the returning alien Mayans believe that you are royalty. Consider this purchase in the next few days.

6. In the event of a supervolcano, run directly away from the gigantic, fiery plume. Do not run parallel to the gigantic, fiery plume and do not run toward the gigantic, fiery plume. We cannot emphasize this enough.

7. Potential new currencies after the event include canned goods, attractive women, camels, unopened cans of Dr. Pepper, and crossbow bolts. Plan accordingly.

8. If you have a cadaver-sniffing dog, lock it up for the first few days to keep it from being overstimulated.

9. If the sun explodes, do not look directly at it. Use a pinhole camera or welder's goggles until they burst into flames, and then drop them.

10. Seek peace with any roaches in your household, because you and they will need to ally when you're the only living beings left on earth. Leave a little sugar water out on the evening of December 20th to help build the relationship.

something cooler
12-17-2012, 11:54 AM
I let my roaches smoke my roaches so we're tight now.

seclark
12-17-2012, 11:56 AM
had a guy pump out the septic tank last week. maybe i should have waited?
sec

tooge
12-17-2012, 12:00 PM
Well, the good news?

This is the LAST MONDAY EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!

The bad news?
I always liked BBqing on saturdays

Rain Man
12-17-2012, 12:00 PM
had a guy pump out the septic tank last week. maybe i should have waited?
sec

A clean septic tank makes for an excellent spontaneous fallout shelter. Avoid Mexican food for the next week and be sure to seal the baggies containing your emergency sandwiches.

seclark
12-17-2012, 12:02 PM
A clean septic tank makes for an excellent spontaneous fallout shelter. Avoid Mexican food for the next week and be sure to seal the baggies containing your emergency sandwiches.

done.
tia
sec

BoneKrusher
12-17-2012, 12:07 PM
be sure to soak your dentures, remember first impressions count.

journeyscarab
12-17-2012, 12:39 PM
Going straight to heaven, so no worries or planning here. LOL! o:-)

Rausch
12-17-2012, 12:43 PM
The best long term strategy would be to identify the preppers and then overtake them...

Scorp
12-17-2012, 12:49 PM
We will all be dead and Matt Casshole will be the chosen one to repopulate the earth!

Bump
12-17-2012, 12:51 PM
The best long term strategy would be to identify the preppers and then overtake them...

I'm pretty sure preppers have thought of that. Good luck, you're no better than a thief and murderer.

Rain Man
12-17-2012, 12:54 PM
I'm pretty sure preppers have thought of that. Good luck, you're no better than a thief and murderer.

That's what it will take to survive this time next week. It's not murder, it's darwinism.

seclark
12-17-2012, 12:55 PM
someone's gonna knock bump in the head and steal his dope.
sec

Rain Man
12-17-2012, 12:59 PM
someone's gonna knock bump in the head and steal his dope.
sec

If it comes down to it, do you have any extra room in your septic tank for me, my wife, and our cat? We can bring several cans of soup and a lot of power bars.

seclark
12-17-2012, 01:04 PM
If it comes down to it, do you have any extra room in your septic tank for me, my wife, and our cat? We can bring several cans of soup and a lot of power bars.

no room for the cat, sorry.
don't need cat hair all over the place.
sec

Rausch
12-17-2012, 01:05 PM
Good luck, you're no better than a thief and murderer.

If that were to ever happen we'd all be...

memyselfI
12-17-2012, 01:10 PM
Fill your home full of guns to create a self fulfilling prophecy that your mentally ill child will act upon.

Lumpy
12-17-2012, 01:12 PM
Fill your home full of guns to create a self fulfilling prophecy that your mentally ill child will act upon.

What? :spock:

loochy
12-17-2012, 01:14 PM
What? :spock:

The shooter in Connecticut

his mom was a bit psycho herself

guns + crazy son = boom boom

memyselfI
12-17-2012, 01:17 PM
What? :spock:

Lanza's mum was a bit loco herself. She was a doomday prepper. She was right. There was a doomsday in her future. Too bad she taught her son so well and he had to take so many others with him. She created that monster. All her stockpiles didn't save her.

Rain Man
12-17-2012, 01:18 PM
no room for the cat, sorry.
don't need cat hair all over the place.
sec


No worries. I've got a good lead on an abandoned mine shaft up near Aspen.

Rain Man
12-17-2012, 01:19 PM
Fill your home full of guns to create a self fulfilling prophecy that your mentally ill child will act upon.


Armed mentally ill children are going to be like gold after next week.

Lumpy
12-17-2012, 01:20 PM
I apparently missed an important chunk of information. Carry on...

Ben N 58men
12-17-2012, 01:20 PM
http://img.tapatalk.com/d/12/12/18/ysa2esuv.jpg

Graystoke
12-17-2012, 01:21 PM
I am a terrible prepper.
My kids already designated my house as the prepper house since I live in the woods, by a lake, burn wood etc ect....
Got any ideas for a last minute prepper shopper?
I was thinking some good old 8 tracks. Good idea???

Lumpy
12-17-2012, 01:21 PM
1250 degrees? Damn, that's a bit too hot for me.

Graystoke
12-17-2012, 01:22 PM
1250 degrees? Damn, that's a bit too hot for me.

Good tanning weather though.

Ben N 58men
12-17-2012, 01:24 PM
1250 degrees? Damn, that's a bit too hot for me.

Drink lots of water and Gatorade. It'll help with the cooling process.

Buehler445
12-17-2012, 01:24 PM
Tits. Gotta have some decent tits around.

kepp
12-17-2012, 01:24 PM
Good tanning weather though.

http://cdn.veggieboards.com/9/9c/525x525px-LL-9c580452_vbattach18431.jpeg

seclark
12-17-2012, 01:27 PM
No worries. I've got a good lead on an abandoned mine shaft up near Aspen.

sounds nice...got room for my dog?
sec

Lumpy
12-17-2012, 01:28 PM
Good tanning weather though.

Not for me... I'm fair skinned.

Drink lots of water and Gatorade. It'll help with the cooling process.

We're good on water.

Tits. Gotta have some decent tits around.

Added that to my list. Thanks! :thumb:

La literatura
12-17-2012, 01:28 PM
1250 degrees? Damn, that's a bit too hot for me.

Seriously. Hopefully we only get 1147.

Rain Man
12-17-2012, 01:29 PM
sounds nice...got room for my dog?
sec

Only if he's a biter.

Graystoke
12-17-2012, 01:29 PM
Seriously. Hopefully we only get 1147.

Global Warming. Don't count on it.

seclark
12-17-2012, 01:30 PM
Only if he's a biter.

leaves out my dog...she's been dead since june.
thanks anyway,
sec

beach tribe
12-17-2012, 01:36 PM
I'm in South FL, and I can't go home for Christmas, if this shit does go down(trolololo), my home town is in one of the few places that is supposed to survive. My family will have died because I couldn't get off of work.

Cornstock
12-17-2012, 01:46 PM
Found this in my basement the other day. It's been hanging on a nail untouched for almost 50 years, but no doomsday kit is complete without one.

http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/8915_10151295585344269_883616497_n.jpg

kepp
12-17-2012, 01:48 PM
Found this in my basement the other day. It's been hanging on a nail untouched for almost 50 years, but no doomsday kit is complete without one.

http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/8915_10151295585344269_883616497_n.jpg

That's a cool find

Chief Gump
12-17-2012, 02:17 PM
Well I think I found the forcast for that day...

https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-1sHwwtbNiTM/UM-Kzpyih6I/AAAAAAAAABI/g1OE8_ylcsE/s640/dec%252021.jpg

BoneKrusher
12-17-2012, 02:20 PM
Well I think I found the forcast for that day...

https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-1sHwwtbNiTM/UM-Kzpyih6I/AAAAAAAAABI/g1OE8_ylcsE/s640/dec%252021.jpg

better wear light colored cloths, it's gonna be hotter than hell.

Rain Man
12-17-2012, 02:22 PM
Found this in my basement the other day. It's been hanging on a nail untouched for almost 50 years, but no doomsday kit is complete without one.


Okay, that's really cool.

Stewie
12-17-2012, 02:56 PM
Found this in my basement the other day. It's been hanging on a nail untouched for almost 50 years, but no doomsday kit is complete without one.


That's cool. Here's a pdf version for those of us without the real thing.

http://www.orau.org/ptp/Library/cdv/Fallout%20Protection%20for%20Homes%20with%20Basements.pdf

Dayze
12-17-2012, 03:01 PM
the old films from the 50's make me smile "Duck and Cover". like that's gonna do anything lol

should be "Duck and Cover.......and kiss your ass goodbye before you're a pile of radioactive dust"

La literatura
12-17-2012, 03:10 PM
Skip to 5:30 for the practical advice.

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/lsHUIxt1iMw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Dayze
12-17-2012, 03:13 PM
lol....be sure to close your blinds.
"Did you guys hear about Timmy? Yeah, apparently he forgot to close his blinds. Poor bastard didn't stand a chance."
That video was awesome.



anyone that thinks the government isn't full of shit with anything that comes out of their mouths, need only watch these vids. Oh, and Reefer Madness.

La literatura
12-17-2012, 03:14 PM
You're about to be hit with a nuclear bomb. Close the damn drapes, Ida!

Rain Man
12-17-2012, 04:11 PM
Sometimes the little things are the difference between victory and defeat. I for one will be closing my drapes on December 20th, just in case.

Rain Man
12-17-2012, 04:12 PM
I just realized how freaky it would be if, on December 20th, the president and the Senate all bolted and went to those underground bunkers.

Setsuna
12-17-2012, 04:28 PM
Guys. Desmond Miles already saved the day. We fine.

Gonzo
12-17-2012, 06:13 PM
Well, I've done a shit ton of fake research and it looks as though this is really going to be it...
Here's a list of the most likely apocalyptic scenarios according to fake research done by me.

Vegas says these check out, BTW...
EMP, (no gadgets or 'lectric): 77%
Super Aids, (or other plagues) 74%
Zombies: 62%
Nukes: 41.5%
Spaghetti Monster (or your chosen deity) is pissed: 22%
Alien Invasion and ray guns: 8%
Mutant Pine Trees: 1.5%

Rain Man
12-17-2012, 06:16 PM
Well, I've done a shit ton of fake research and it looks as though this is really going to be it...
Here's a list of the most likely apocalyptic scenarios according to fake research done by me.

Vegas says these check out, BTW...
EMP, (no gadgets or 'lectric): 77%
Super Aids, (or other plagues) 74%
Zombies: 62%
Nukes: 41.5%
Spaghetti Monster (or your chosen deity) is pissed: 22%
Alien Invasion and ray guns: 8%
Mutant Pine Trees: 1.5%

You have to have a supervolcano in there somewhere, I think. And an asteroid.

Gonzo
12-17-2012, 06:19 PM
You have to have a supervolcano in there somewhere, I think. And an asteroid.
I figure that falls under the Devine Intervention rule.

You know, Jesus or someone looks down from the Lesbian cloud and says, "Take that, assholes!" Boom! Shot to shit.

lcarus
12-17-2012, 06:22 PM
I heard some guys talking at the bank the other day, and they were talking as if the apocalypse was happening on December 21st with absolute certainty. It was pretty hilarious.

Gonzo
12-17-2012, 06:25 PM
I heard some guys talking at the bank the other day, and they were talking as if the apocalypse was happening on December 21st with absolute certainty. It was pretty hilarious.

You're gonna have some serious egg on your face when the shit starts happening, man. I'm gonna meet up with you at the beer cloud and laugh my ass off.

tmax63
12-17-2012, 06:28 PM
Rainman, if you can shoot you're welcome down south here in Simla. I could use another able body to defend the homestead.

lcarus
12-17-2012, 06:30 PM
You're gonna have some serious egg on your face when the shit starts happening, man. I'm gonna meet up with you at the beer cloud and laugh my ass off.

Hey I'll be happy if the world were to suddenly end (if that's how shit goes down anyway). I can explain why I feel that way if you want. HOwever, I don't believe a damn thing will happen. There's been many apocalypse predictions in our history, and we're still here.

theelusiveeightrop
12-17-2012, 06:32 PM
So,do I renew my driver's license, or not?

lcarus
12-17-2012, 06:35 PM
So,do I renew my driver's license, or not?

Go for it. I mean...if you want a valid ID and license to drive, that is.

La literatura
12-17-2012, 06:37 PM
Rainman, if you can shoot you're welcome down south here in Simla. I could use another able body to defend the homestead.

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT3X6ImbnWtRI6x8Nw_yTCZwVR5KO_I47OsG_GPqpVjTdf9W1E

Cephalic Trauma
12-17-2012, 06:38 PM
Hey I'll be happy if the world were to suddenly end (if that's how shit goes down anyway). I can explain why I feel that way if you want. HOwever, I don't believe a damn thing will happen. There's been many apocalypse predictions in our history, and we're still here.

That's exactly the type of attitude that will get you killed!

Sucker.:shake:

digger
12-17-2012, 06:42 PM
December 21st is likely arriving faster than you expect. Have you been working to prepare for it? If not, here are a few last-minute survival tips for you, and everyone should feel free to add their own. Let's all get through this thing and band together into a tribe to take over the world, or whatever remains of it.

1. Identify your most prepared neighbor and determine how to kill this person quickly so you can take their stuff. You might consider taking a hostage from their household on the evening of December 20th.

2. Gummy bears have a long shelf life and are particularly resistant to radiation.

3. In a post-apocalyptic world, fertile people will be valuable in repopulating the earth. Consider buying a cup or other protective device. Lacking that, place a pillow in your pants for the first few days after the event.

4. You can drink water out of your toilet tank, your hot water heater, and your car radiator. Additionally, water tends to pool in craters.

5. A jaguar-skin robe may make the returning alien Mayans believe that you are royalty. Consider this purchase in the next few days.

6. In the event of a supervolcano, run directly away from the gigantic, fiery plume. Do not run parallel to the gigantic, fiery plume and do not run toward the gigantic, fiery plume. We cannot emphasize this enough.

7. Potential new currencies after the event include canned goods, attractive women, camels, unopened cans of Dr. Pepper, and crossbow bolts. Plan accordingly.

8. If you have a cadaver-sniffing dog, lock it up for the first few days to keep it from being overstimulated.

9. If the sun explodes, do not look directly at it. Use a pinhole camera or welder's goggles until they burst into flames, and then drop them.

10. Seek peace with any roaches in your household, because you and they will need to ally when you're the only living beings left on earth. Leave a little sugar water out on the evening of December 20th to help build the relationship.

Stolen for FB. :thumb: :LOL:

Rain Man
12-17-2012, 07:11 PM
Rainman, if you can shoot you're welcome down south here in Simla. I could use another able body to defend the homestead.

I can sure learn. Plus, in the meantime I can gather the opinions of any potential attackers to assess their preferred mode and time of attack.

keg in kc
12-17-2012, 07:56 PM
Hey I'll be happy if the world were to suddenly end (if that's how shit goes down anyway). I can explain why I feel that way if you want. HOwever, I don't believe a damn thing will happen. There's been many apocalypse predictions in our history, and we're still here.Everybody for all of history has thought their time was the worst, and that the end of the world must be nigh. It's just human nature. Although lucky us, we live in a world where a few crazy people really can wipe out huge chunks of the whole species, so there's always the potential for an intentional man-made armageddon, instead of just good old volcanoes, asteroids, comets and plagues.

Buehler445
12-17-2012, 10:05 PM
Stolen for FB. :thumb: :LOL:

Don't forget tits.

KcMizzou
12-17-2012, 10:23 PM
4. You can drink water out of your toilet tank, your hot water heater, and your car radiator. Additionally, water tends to pool in craters.
This self-serving bastard just tried to trick us into drinking antifreeze!

Rain Man
12-17-2012, 10:41 PM
This self-serving bastard just tried to trick us into drinking antifreeze!

More toilet tank water for me. Bwahahaha.

cdcox
12-17-2012, 10:45 PM
So the internet is likely to be down. So you will probably have to do your own playoff predictions from your bunker Here are the supplies you should need:

1. A Big Chief Tablet (good mojo for KC in future years)
2. Pencils
3. A pocket knife to sharpen the pencils
4. A solar-powered calculator
5. Back up solar supply (in case the sun goes out)
6. Dice -- three six-sided dice would probably be the minimum necessary. Higher resolution would be possible if all the dice were different colors. If you forget the dice you can probably carve some out of zombie bones with the pocket knife.
7. Schedules for current NFL season (you may want to bring them for future seasons as well if you don't know how long the apocalypse will last.
8. NFL tie-breaking procedures (Download here, print and laminate. Probably want to put 5 or 6 copies in various places for safe keeping. Don't forget to put one in your bugout bag) --> http://www.nfl.com/standings/tiebreakingprocedures

listopencil
12-17-2012, 10:48 PM
I figure that falls under the Devine Intervention rule.

You know, Jesus or someone looks down from the Lesbian cloud and says, "Take that, assholes!" Boom! Shot to shit.

Tell me more about this Lesbian cloud.

Gonzo
12-17-2012, 11:08 PM
Tell me more about this Lesbian cloud.

There's two of them. One is for butchy lesbos that wear plaid shirts and construction boots. The other is for the hot ones that are always "experimenting."

In all seriousness, if this goes down you all can meet me at the only CVS Pharmacy in Bellevue NE. I'll be checking it a few times a week for a month. I'll be creating a defensive compound over the next few years where we will thrive and kill Sleestacks.

Gonzo
12-17-2012, 11:10 PM
The code phrase will be "lesbian cloud" ok?

3rd&48ers
12-18-2012, 08:40 AM
I bought green bananas

Rain Man
12-18-2012, 09:05 AM
The code phrase will be "lesbian cloud" ok?

I will use it any time I see a stranger in the coming dark days. I figure it can't hurt even if they don't know it's a code.

Dayze
12-18-2012, 09:13 AM
how did I miss Rain Man's Post lol. Gold. GOLD Jerry!

boogblaster
12-18-2012, 09:29 AM
the biggest monkey will eat and rule ... hide if ya under 6 feet .....

Mosbonian
12-18-2012, 10:42 AM
So....my anniversary is the 22nd of December which leaves me with a couple of questions:

1) Do I go ahead and buy the anniversary gift? And if she doesn't like what I bought, how will I be able to take it back?

2) What about the dinner reservations? It's going to be kinda creepy not really knowing why the chicken doesn't taste like chicken and the steak looks a little overdone.

3) With the apocalypse is it BYOB?

Lumpy
12-18-2012, 10:47 AM
So....my anniversary is the 22nd of December which leaves me with a couple of questions:

1) Do I go ahead and buy the anniversary gift? And if she doesn't like what I bought, how will I be able to take it back?

2) What about the dinner reservations? It's going to be kinda creepy not really knowing why the chicken doesn't taste like chicken and the steak looks a little overdone.

3) With the apocalypse is it BYOB?

Happy Anniversary!

1) Yes, buy the gift. If she doesn't like it, you can go to Bartertown and exchange it for something else.

2) Forget about the dinner reservation. Use the money you will save and purchase a compound bow so you can kill your own dinner.

3) Yes, stock up on booze now and hide them from the masses.

Dayze
12-18-2012, 10:52 AM
I bought green bananas

lol

my great aunt used to say that at her age she wouldn't buy green bananas.

tooge
12-18-2012, 10:54 AM
Ok, everyone, so, the code word is green bananas, and we're all meeting at Walgreens in Omaha. Right?

Lumpy
12-18-2012, 10:56 AM
Ok, everyone, so, the code word is green bananas, and we're all meeting at Walgreens in Omaha. Right?

:facepalm:

Best of luck to you, tooge.

bevischief
12-18-2012, 11:03 AM
Happy Anniversary!

1) Yes, buy the gift. If she doesn't like it, you can go to Bartertown and exchange it for something else.

2) Forget about the dinner reservation. Use the money you will save and purchase a compound bow so you can kill your own dinner.

3) Yes, stock up on booze now and hide them from the masses.

I will be taking over the liquor store.

kepp
12-18-2012, 11:06 AM
So....my anniversary is the 22nd of December which leaves me with a couple of questions:

1) Do I go ahead and buy the anniversary gift? And if she doesn't like what I bought, how will I be able to take it back?

2) What about the dinner reservations? It's going to be kinda creepy not really knowing why the chicken doesn't taste like chicken and the steak looks a little overdone.

3) With the apocalypse is it BYOB?

Is she Mayan?

Lzen
12-18-2012, 12:10 PM
http://img.tapatalk.com/d/12/12/18/ysa2esuv.jpg

ROFL

Rain Man
12-18-2012, 01:04 PM
Tip #11: The most tender part of a person is the buttocks. If cooked properly, they can taste somewhat like ham.

Tip #12: Brick homes are superior to wood frame for meteor strikes, intergalactic EMP pulses, nuclear meltdowns, exploding suns, and superstorms. Brick and wood perform relatively equally in alien invasions, tsunamis, and spontaneous magnetic pole shifting.

Dayze
12-18-2012, 01:54 PM
i keep reading the OP and laughing even harder each time.

Mosbonian
12-18-2012, 02:36 PM
Happy Anniversary!

1) Yes, buy the gift. If she doesn't like it, you can go to Bartertown and exchange it for something else.

2) Forget about the dinner reservation. Use the money you will save and purchase a compound bow so you can kill your own dinner.

3) Yes, stock up on booze now and hide them from the masses.

I probably should have fessed up.....her anniversary gift was a matching compound bow to mine.

I don't drink, but was thinking that stocking up on booze would be a great idea to have for Bartertown.

And Oh...thanks. It will be 28 years together if the world doesn't end on the 21st. If it does, it was a great 27 years, 364 days together and I'll go to my grave with my one true love.

Lumpy
12-18-2012, 11:21 PM
I probably should have fessed up.....her anniversary gift was a matching compound bow to mine.

I don't drink, but was thinking that stocking up on booze would be a great idea to have for Bartertown.

And Oh...thanks. It will be 28 years together if the world doesn't end on the 21st. If it does, it was a great 27 years, 364 days together and I'll go to my grave with my one true love.

GTFO!... you got her a compound bow? Good man. Every girl needs one.

Don't drink? Meh. I won't judge. Keep a bottle set aside for me though. K, thx

28 years? Hell, you must be doing something right. Your "one true love"... that's sweet. :) Let her know that you're still in love with her every day and keep the magic going. Seriously. Especially after we all wake up on Saturday and say, "Well, we were all fooled again! Those silly Mayans!". Because that is what's going to happen.

And if I'm wrong... well, shit. Best of luck to us all! LMAO

Ace Gunner
12-18-2012, 11:42 PM
you idiots. this is going to be the best day of your life. zombie apocalypse will be fun for all. just shoot shoot shoot :D

listopencil
12-19-2012, 01:32 AM
There's two of them. One is for butchy lesbos that wear plaid shirts and construction boots. The other is for the hot ones that are always "experimenting."

In all seriousness, if this goes down you all can meet me at the only CVS Pharmacy in Bellevue NE. I'll be checking it a few times a week for a month. I'll be creating a defensive compound over the next few years where we will thrive and kill Sleestacks.


Well...shit. I was willing to convert for this "lesbian cloud."

listopencil
12-19-2012, 01:33 AM
Wait. Am I on Ambien again? Never mind.