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Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 03:06 PM
and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 03:07 PM
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 03:09 PM
I run into this problem all the time -


A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 03:12 PM
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

ExtremeChief
06-16-2004, 03:12 PM
A man who's anxiously awaiting a package to arrive calls his wife at home...

"Has the mailman come yet?", he inquires.


"Nope", replies his wife, "but his eyes are getting glassy."

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 03:17 PM
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter was waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter asks, "What is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 03:19 PM
What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?

A family reunion.

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 03:20 PM
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 03:24 PM
Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.


Love, Ma

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 03:37 PM
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 03:40 PM
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 03:42 PM
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 03:54 PM
You're so gay, you could sit on a lollipop and guess its flavor.

Zebedee DuBois
06-16-2004, 04:16 PM
I run into this problem all the time -


A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."


This one has always been one of my favorites. It is much better heard aloud than read.

Baby Lee
06-16-2004, 04:53 PM
Guy is getting his drink on at a bar, when he gets the urge to drain the lizard. Goes into the bathroom and steps up to the urinal. As he's pissing, a short red-headed person dressed all in green sidles up next to him.
"What's this?"
"Hi, It's your lucky day. I'm Pippin the Leprechaun, and I have the power to grant your every wish."
"What's the catch?"
"You have to let me eff you in the A first."
Guy thinks it over, and the visions of riches, power and a lifetime of nubile women overpower his revulsion.
"Deal."
So Pippin goes to work on Guy's starfish.
In flagrante delicto Pippin starts up a conversation.
"Say, Guy. I never got your name."
"Larry"
"Larry, how old are you?"
"30"
"30 years old. . . and you still believe in Leprechauns?"

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 05:20 PM
This one has always been one of my favorites. It is much better heard aloud than read.


I figured those who have met me in person would appreciate the joke with the way I led into it.

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 05:21 PM
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

He died laughing before he could tell anyone.

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 08:12 PM
There was an American man that had a meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.

The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"

They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 08:21 PM
What do you call a blonde standing on her head?

A brunette with bad breath.

Raiderhader
06-16-2004, 08:23 PM
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."


ROFL This one really struck my funny bone for some reason.

KCWolfman
06-16-2004, 08:42 PM
A duck walked into a bar and said ouch.

SNR
06-16-2004, 09:09 PM
A duck walked into a bar and said ouch.A guy walked into a bar and dropped dead without a word because I shot him in the head for telling too many "A guy walked into a bar and said ouch" jokes.

KCWolfman
06-16-2004, 09:13 PM
A guy walked into a bar and dropped dead without a word because I shot him in the head for telling too many "A guy walked into a bar and said ouch" jokes.
Got any bullets?

Amnorix
06-16-2004, 09:21 PM
Got any bullets?

ROFLROFLROFLROFL

Amnorix
06-16-2004, 09:31 PM
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.

Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount dead animals."....

The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

David.
06-16-2004, 09:43 PM
There's two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin looks over at the other and says "Man is it just me or is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin looks over and screams "AAAAHHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!"

rofl that joke always gets me

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 07:57 AM
There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he had a girlfriend, Edna, who was 80 years old. They only saw each other on Saturdays. He would go to Edna''s house every Saturday, without fail. They would sit down next to each other and Edna would hold Ian''s penis, then Ian would go home after so long.

One week Ian never turned up, but Edna thought nothing of it. Three more weeks went by, and again Ian never turned up. By this time Edna was very concerned about him. She phoned him up and asked, "Where have you been the last four Saturdays?"

Ian replied, "I have been round at Margret's house."

Shocked Edna shouted, "MARGRET? She is 98 years old, what the hell has she got that I haven''t?"
Ian answered, "Parkinson''s desease!"

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 12:53 PM
Yo mama is so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a get away rope.

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 12:55 PM
Yo mama's like a shotgun, 2 cocks and she's ready to blow.

The Pedestrian
06-17-2004, 12:55 PM
Yo momma so fat that when she sat on a rainbow, Skittles came out.

The Pedestrian
06-17-2004, 12:56 PM
Yo momma so fat, even the astroid belt can't keep her pants up.

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 12:57 PM
Yo mama's so nasty, I came over and asked what''s for dinner and she opened her legs and said "TUNA SUPRISE!"

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 01:00 PM
Yo mama is like a brick, flat on both sides and laid by Mexicans.

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 01:05 PM
A Redheaded mom walks into her daughter's room, finds a beer bottle and says, "I never knew my daughter drank!"

A Brunette walks into her daughter's room, finds a pack of cigarettes and says, "I never knew my daughter smoked!"

A Blond mom walks into her daughter's room and finds a condom.

She says, "I never knew my daughter had a penis!"

The Pedestrian
06-17-2004, 02:10 PM
One day a girl was home alone with her date when a car pulled up. She told him to hide in the closet, locked the door after he was in, and made it look to her mother like she had been alone the entire time. Later, she went to bed, forgetting all about him.

A week later, she was alone with another date when her mom's car pulled up. She had him hide in a closet near the one her previous week's date was in, locked the door after he was in, and once again forgot about him.

About two weeks later, the house started to smell really bad. The girl's mother started searching, opened the first closet, and a corpse fell out. The mother asked if the girl knew anything about it, and she said that she didn't have a clue. The girl was nervous as the second closet was opened. Her second date walked out, and she couldn't believe it. Looking in the closet, she saw that there were only towels, a full trash can, and boxes of tampons. "How did you survive for so long in there?" Seeing that the mother would let him answer, he said "I've been eating the fruit rollups."

Duck Dog
06-17-2004, 04:01 PM
A grasshopper walks into a bar and hops up on the bar stool. The bartender says;

"Hey, did you know we serve a drink named after you?" The grasshopper looks at him with a confused look and replies;

"Why would anyone name a drink Ralph?"

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 07:46 PM
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!"

The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!"

The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building."

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 07:48 PM
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 07:54 PM
A blonde was walking down the street with shower caps on her breasts.

A guy asked her, "Hey, what's with the shower caps?"

"Shower caps?" she responded, "These are booby condoms!"

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 08:05 PM
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"

Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."

To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 08:06 PM
What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger


ROFL

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 08:08 PM
Here's one for our old pal gochiefs -


Q: Why do they make glow in the dark condoms?

A: So that gay men can play Star Wars.

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 08:16 PM
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

go bowe
06-17-2004, 09:07 PM
yo rh, thanks for this thread, it's freakin' hilarious!! ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 09:11 PM
yo rh, thanks for this thread, it's freakin' hilarious!! ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL



I am enjoying it myself.

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 09:20 PM
How Does Peter Pan Fly?

If someone hit your peter with a pan you'd fly too!

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 09:21 PM
Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

To smoke some marijuana

Jack got high

Pulled down his fly

And Jill said I don't wanna!

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 09:22 PM
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa?

Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 09:24 PM
Why do smurfs laugh as they walk through the forest?

Because the grass tickles their balls!

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 09:26 PM
I had forgotten all about this joke, it's one of my favorites...


What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?

Kermit's undivided attention.

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 09:29 PM
What is Moby Dick's father's name?

Papa Boner.

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 09:31 PM
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your...

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

Raiderhader
06-17-2004, 09:34 PM
Another one of my top 5 favorite jokes, and my last for the evening....

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

KCWolfman
06-17-2004, 09:38 PM
A kid is failing in math and does nothing to improve. His mother threatens him for an entire school year with no results. He fails the third grade.

So mom enrolls him in a Catholic School hoping the nuns can make a difference. Immediately the kid starts getting straight A's. After two school quarters mom asks, "What happened. Is the curriculum easier?"

"No, mom. In fact, we are already multiplying and dividing."

"Then what made the difference?"

"When I saw the kid hanging on the plus sign over the altar, I knew they weren't fooling around"

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 08:04 AM
Q: Why was Raggedy Ann kicked out of the toybox?

A: Because she sat on Pinnochio's face and told him to lie!

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 08:05 AM
Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.

"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."

"Why's that?"

"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 08:07 AM
The Seven Dwarfs were sitting in a tub feeling happy.

So Happy got up and left.

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 09:58 AM
Yea! Another bar joke involving ducks!


A man walks into a bar with three little ducks and sits each of them on a stool, he looks up at the bartender and says, “Could you mind my ducks while I go use the phone?” The bartender is puzzled, but he doesn't see a problem and agrees to look after the three little ducks.

When the owner of the ducks leaves, the bartender says to the first duck “What's your name?” The duck says, ''My name is Huey.'' And the bartender, an affable fellow, especially around ducks, says, “Hello Huey, how has your day been?” “My day's been great,” answers the duck, “I've been slipping in and out of puddles all day.”

Satisfied, the bartender moves to the next duck and asks the same questions. The second duck replies, “My name is Dewey and I've had a great day; I've been slipping in and out of puddles all day.” The bartender says, ''That sounds nice.''

With this the bartender moved to the third duck and thinks to himself about the first ducks' responses, then says to the third duck, “Don't tell me -- your name's Louie and you've been slipping in and out of puddles all day too.” To which the duck replies, “No. My name's Puddles, and I've had a shit of a day.”

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 10:06 AM
Sorry BL, I avoided the lawyer jokes as long as I could.



A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Baby Lee
06-18-2004, 10:06 AM
What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger


ROFL
Is Kermit a jewish name?

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 10:08 AM
Is Kermit a jewish name?



:hmmm: I don't know....

BN 2/9
06-18-2004, 10:13 AM
Sergeant Major Dick
>
> An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches
> the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and
> I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts
> the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they
> have for him. Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes
> and is standing with his hands on his hips while he
> looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He
> then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the
> Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body,
> DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully
> erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he
> can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said,
> I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master
> of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately
> goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over the
> control he has and asks him for another demonstration.
> The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body,
> DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and
> he follows this display of prowess with the command
> of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again).
> The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks
> for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts,
> "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army
> thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body,
> DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect,
> and then he gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE."
> The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his
> penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you
> didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again,
> his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now
> fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time,
> DICK, AT EASE!" No luck, his penis is still hard.
> He yells, "God damn it!!!", and moves to the side of
> the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute
> asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies,
> "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving HIM A DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE!

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 10:14 AM
A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.”

A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

He replies, “No, I'm an asshole.”

Baby Lee
06-18-2004, 10:15 AM
Sergeant Major Dick
>
> An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches
> the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and
> I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts
> the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they
> have for him. Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes
> and is standing with his hands on his hips while he
> looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He
> then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the
> Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body,
> DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully
> erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he
> can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said,
> I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master
> of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately
> goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over the
> control he has and asks him for another demonstration.
> The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body,
> DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and
> he follows this display of prowess with the command
> of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again).
> The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks
> for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts,
> "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army
> thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body,
> DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect,
> and then he gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE."
> The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his
> penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you
> didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again,
> his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now
> fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time,
> DICK, AT EASE!" No luck, his penis is still hard.
> He yells, "God damn it!!!", and moves to the side of
> the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute
> asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies,
> "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving
I don't get it.

BN 2/9
06-18-2004, 10:17 AM
I don't get it.

Sorry--had to go back and edit the end---ruined that joke..

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 10:29 AM
Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.

"No"

"Well, than your not big enough"

Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.

"No"

"Well, than your not big enough"

Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"

Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"

Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."

Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go f#ck yourself, these are my cookies"

go bowe
06-18-2004, 11:51 AM
Sorry BL, I avoided the lawyer jokes as long as I could.



A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"ROFL ROFL ROFL :clap: :clap: :clap: PBJ PBJ PBJ

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 12:56 PM
One final one before I take off for the weekend -

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.''

The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?''

''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 09:15 PM
So much for staying away for the weekend....


A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 09:21 PM
One day a man walks into a tatoo parlor and tells the tatto artist that he wanted a 100 dollar bill tatooed on his dick, the tattoo artist told him if he could give him three reasons why he wanted the tattoo he would give it to him. The man says. "Well, for one, I like to play with my money, two, I like to watch it grow, and three, if my wife wants to blow 100 dollars again, she doesnt have to go to the mall"

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 09:30 PM
Two sperm are swimming in a woman's body. One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, Just how far is the uterus anyway?" The second sperm begins to laugh and says, " The uterus!? We just passed the esophogus."

The Pedestrian
06-18-2004, 09:31 PM
Is Kermit a jewish name?

Nope, Irish/English:

KERMIT m
Usage: English
Pronounced: KUR-mit
From the Irish surname Mac Dhiarmaid, which means "son of DIARMAID". This name is now associated with Kermit the Frog, one of the Muppets created by puppeteer Jim Henson.

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 09:40 PM
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College.* For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to* Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the* rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl:* "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 09:44 PM
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 09:48 PM
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 09:55 PM
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are to small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?''

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 10:07 PM
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

Raiderhader
06-18-2004, 10:17 PM
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 10:08 AM
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".*

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 10:10 AM
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 12:45 PM
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".*
I love that joke.

Radar Chief
07-23-2004, 12:54 PM
Did you realize that 80% of all Japanese Doctors have Cadaracks?



Yea, the other 20% drive Rincolns.

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 02:04 PM
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???", "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 02:08 PM
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 02:30 PM
I had a great joke I was gonna post on this thread... then I forgot it.

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 02:32 PM
I had a great joke I was gonna post on this thread... then I forgot it.


You are so much help.

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 02:35 PM
You are so much help.
Yeah, I get that a lot.

Lzen
07-23-2004, 03:19 PM
Where did they bury the rest of him?

Lzen
07-23-2004, 03:27 PM
An oldie but a goodie.

A new store named Husband-Mart opened. Husband-Mart is a store where women can go and choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of six floors and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flight of stairs.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.

So, this woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

"Floor 1 - These men have jobs."

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that is better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what is further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

"Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids."

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes.

The third floor sign reads:

"Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmm, better," she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" Up she goes.

The fourth floor sign reads:

"Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework."

"Wow!", exclaims the woman, "very tempting. But, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

"Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me on the sixth floor?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

"Floor 6 - You are visitor 1,260,459,789,015 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. "Thank you for shopping at Husband-Mart and have a nice day!"

The Pedestrian
07-23-2004, 03:38 PM
An oldie but a goodie.

A new store named Husband-Mart opened. Husband-Mart is a store where women can go and choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of six floors and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flight of stairs.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.

So, this woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

"Floor 1 - These men have jobs."

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that is better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what is further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

"Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids."

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes.

The third floor sign reads:

"Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmm, better," she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" Up she goes.

The fourth floor sign reads:

"Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework."

"Wow!", exclaims the woman, "very tempting. But, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

"Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me on the sixth floor?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

"Floor 6 - You are visitor 1,260,459,789,015 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. "Thank you for shopping at Husband-Mart and have a nice day!"

I have an idea for a similar building in KC...

Duck Dog
07-23-2004, 03:56 PM
Where did they bury the rest of him?

ROFL

I have customers with that name.

Duck Dog
07-23-2004, 04:01 PM
Did you realize that 80% of all Japanese Doctors have Cadaracks?



Yea, the other 20% drive Rincolns.


I can't stop laughing at that one. ROFL

Duck Dog
07-23-2004, 04:03 PM
Two sperm are swimming in a woman's body. One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, Just how far is the uterus anyway?" The second sperm begins to laugh and says, " The uterus!? We just passed the esophogus."


ROFL

This one has to be brought back up to the top. ROFL

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 04:33 PM
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her p*ssy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight p*ssy!"

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 04:39 PM
This is with out a doubt one of my all time favorites -

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 04:52 PM
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her p*ssy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight p*ssy!"
ROFL That's messed up.

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 04:53 PM
This is with out a doubt one of my all time favorites -

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

None, it should be open when she brings it to you.
Oooohhh.... we gonna go down that road now?

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.

Duck Dog
07-23-2004, 05:04 PM
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?



Give the bitch a shovel.

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 05:06 PM
Know why the bride wears white?

So the dishwasher matches the stove.

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 05:07 PM
I could continue... but some of my jokes make light of domestic violence. I'm not sure that's the route we want this thread to take.

Duck Dog
07-23-2004, 05:11 PM
I could continue... but some of my jokes make light of domestic violence. I'm not sure that's the route we want this thread to take.


You mean the one about;

What do you say to woman with two black eye's?


Nothing you haven't told her twice before.



Ahhh, they can be told both way's.

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 05:13 PM
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Jenson71
07-23-2004, 05:13 PM
This is a pretty good one. I like it...

This guy gets to heaven. Saint Peter says, "hello, let me give you a tour."

They start walking along. Peter says "In that house is the Methodists."

The Methodists wave and they both wave back.

They continue walking along. Peter sees another house. "That's the Luthern's house." The Lutherns wave and they both wave back.

They continue. Peter sees another house. "That's the Presbateryians." They all wave to each other. (I can say Pres...., I just can't spell it)

They keep walking along but Peter slows down as they pass another house. He whispers to the guy "Be very quiet, don't make any noise."

When they later pass, the guy asks whose house that was.

"Oh," Peter says. "That's the Catholics, and they think they're the only ones up here."

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 05:15 PM
You mean the one about;

What do you say to woman with two black eye's?


Nothing you haven't told her twice before.



Ahhh, they can be told both way's.
I always feel that if you're going to tell a domestic violence joke, it's best to go all out and use a deragatory term.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin'. You done told the bitch twice.


Know what 2 million battered women in this country all have in common?

None of them know how to shut the f*ck up and listen.


I suppose I've posted worse than that on this board before. I remember once catching a minor amount of a flak for a joke involving sexual relations with a very underage girl. Course, that was on a thread specifically designated for tasteless jokes.

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 05:16 PM
So, a guy's walking through the woods with a young girl. It's getting late and the girl says, "I'm scared." To which the man responds, "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone!"

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 05:19 PM
John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!"

Jenson71
07-23-2004, 05:19 PM
So, a guy's walking through the woods with a young girl. It's getting late and the girl says, "I'm scared." To which the man responds, "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone!"

Don't tell me that's the one you got yelled at for.

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 05:21 PM
Don't tell me that's the one you got yelled at for.
Nah, Jamie's joke about the woods and night just reminded me of that one.

The joke I was referencing earlier goes like this...


So, last weekend I'm f*cking this girl in the ass, right. And she turns around and says to me, "Isn't it a bit presumptuous to think you could f*ck me in the ass on the first date?" To which I respond, "Isn't presumptuous a pretty goddammed big word for a second grader?"

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 05:22 PM
I think I will repost a "yo' mamma" joke I came up with in the regular forum not too long ago -


Yo' mamma's so fat, Endelt f#cked her.

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 05:23 PM
I think I will repost a "yo' mamma" joke I came up with in the regular forum not too long ago -


Yo' mamma's so fat, Endelt f#cked her.
Haha. It's still funny.

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 05:25 PM
Haha. It's still funny.


I still get a kick out of it. But then again, it is my joke. ;)

Jenson71
07-23-2004, 05:27 PM
Nah, Jamie's joke about the woods and night just reminded me of that one.

The joke I was referencing earlier goes like this...


So, last weekend I'm f*cking this girl in the ass, right. And she turns around and says to me, "Isn't it a bit presumptuous to think you could f*ck me in the ass on the first date?" To which I respond, "Isn't presumptuous a pretty goddammed big word for a second grader?"

Not bad, not bad

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 05:27 PM
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 05:28 PM
Not bad, not bad
For some reason, the only jokes I can ever remember are the really tasteless ones. They get much worse than that.

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 05:32 PM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 05:36 PM
This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 05:40 PM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

ENDelt260
07-23-2004, 05:42 PM
ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

ROFL

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 05:52 PM
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 05:54 PM
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

Raiderhader
07-23-2004, 05:56 PM
Last one before I head out to the movie -


One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said, "So is this!"

Raiderhader
10-12-2004, 07:20 PM
A guy is walking along the beach one day and happens across an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie who tells the guy he will grant him one wish. The guy thinks about it a moment and says, "I wish for a bridge that connects California to Hawaii." The Genie responds, "That is impossible, it cannot be done." So the guy thinks for another moment and says, "Well, I have always wanted to understand women." The Genie asks, "Would like two lanes or four lanes?"

Jenson71
10-12-2004, 07:26 PM
flashback to 1967...

One day the Arab army was out walking around in the desert. Up on a sand hill, they spotted an Israeli soldier making faces at them. So the Arab general yells to one of his men "Get up there and get that guy!". 15 minutes later, and the Arab still hasn't returned. Then they see the Israeli. Again, the Israeli makes faces. This time the Arab general yells to a group of soldiers to get up there. 15 minutes later, no one returns. Then they see the Israeli again on the sand hill making faces. This time the general gets really mad. He sends a whole platoon up to get the Israeli. 15 minutes later, one of the Arabs comes crawling back, all bruised and broken. "It's a trick!" he yells. "There's two of them!"

Raiderhader
11-12-2004, 11:00 PM
The return of this thread is long over-due.

Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

Raiderhader
11-12-2004, 11:03 PM
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

Raiderhader
11-12-2004, 11:11 PM
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

Raiderhader
11-12-2004, 11:14 PM
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

Raiderhader
11-12-2004, 11:16 PM
There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!"

She says, "I'm willing, let's go".

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks".

Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"

Raiderhader
11-12-2004, 11:23 PM
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

Raiderhader
11-12-2004, 11:29 PM
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Rausch
11-13-2004, 03:16 AM
...

David.
11-13-2004, 03:25 AM
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