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Fairplay
08-21-2004, 07:22 AM
Just don't lay it on too thickly.... If she's not an attractive woman, chances are that she is well aware of it. If you're going on and on about how great she looks, she'll see right through that crap. A subtle compliment is sometimes more effective than bullshit anyway. If she smells like she just got done with a 10k, don't comment on her perfume. Hold your breath and dive.



You are the man. You tell it straight like it is and i compliment you on it.

Over-Head
08-21-2004, 07:49 AM
Bullshit, Bullshit, Bullshit

I'm a fatass who used to have a lot of muscles. I got just as much fine tail as a fatass as I did as a lean hardbody. You just gotta find your niche with the ladies. Confidence is huge.


...(drum roll)...LAdies and gentelmen,,,Mr Ron Jeremy The 2nd :p

CrazyHorse
08-21-2004, 07:49 AM
1st bit of advice: anyone with 10,000 posts on a football message board in the last 24 months? Throw all of that advice out.

2nd. Tell her you are a virgin.

That ought to do it.

Phobia
08-21-2004, 08:06 AM
1st bit of advice: anyone with 10,000 posts on a football message board in the last 24 months? Throw all of that advice out.

2nd. Tell her you are a virgin.

Dude. Thanks. I hope it works for me.

Fairplay
08-21-2004, 08:17 AM
1st bit of advice: anyone with 10,000 posts on a football message board in the last 24 months? Throw all of that advice out.

2nd. Tell her you are a virgin.

That ought to do it.



Telling her you are a virgin makes her wonder whats wrong with you. Act like you've been there and done that.

Ari Chi3fs
08-21-2004, 08:32 AM
oh man... this thread made me laugh soo many times. Fuggin Great.

Dude... RoyJr... You need to be as chill as possible... Have a good environment set up... a clean pad is a must... also light a couple candles or incense. When you first see her, tell her she looks / or smells great. Give her a nice kiss... hold it for a few seconds longer than a usual kiss greeting. Tell her that you have missed her company since you last saw her. [im assuming she is coming to visit from another town? that is what i gathered...anyway] Sit close to her, and playfully touch her, whenever appropriate... Laugh at her jokes, and be witty, but dont overly attempt at being hilarious like Phobia, Bob Dole, RainMan, and others are. Be yourself as much as possible... Halfway through the date, unzip your pants, whip it out, and yell GIT'R DONE!

Guarantee score.

Also, since she likes football, you could say... Priest Holmes got into the endzone 27 times last year... I have NEVER been in an endzone. Then try to stick it up her butt.

If that doesnt work. Ask her if she likes porno...you would be surprised at how many chicks love pr0n.

good luck at GITTIN R DONE! :thumb:

Ultra Peanut
08-21-2004, 09:42 AM
Great thread.

Plus roy remember use protection and make sure she have birth control pills.

After the sex part you make her breakfest or lunch depending on what time you wake up"Okay, let's go to Wendy's. They're open late."

Fat Elvis
08-21-2004, 09:46 AM
Gucci sunglasses.

beavis
08-21-2004, 11:30 AM
I see the hall of fame in this threads future.

Zebedee DuBois
08-21-2004, 12:15 PM
Something to remember when dealing with women is that they use language differently than men. You may say a particular phrase, and they will hear it with a totally different meaning.

Here are a few examples:

GOOD: What is that fragrance? BAD: What is that odor?
GOOD: You look hot! BAD: You're sweaty!
GOOD: Have you eaten already? BAD: There is something in your teeth.

|Zach|
08-21-2004, 12:22 PM
gettinglaidism:

I need to switch my minor.

Zebedee DuBois
08-21-2004, 12:32 PM
I need to switch my minor.

Minor?

|Zach|
08-21-2004, 12:34 PM
Minor?
Yes...Minor.

Thig Lyfe
08-21-2004, 02:29 PM
ROFL ROFL ROFL is this a classic yet?

ENDelt260
08-21-2004, 02:44 PM
Not after she tells you "Aunt Flo is visiting"....definitely NOT then, though.....
Don't listen to him Roy.

Fairplay
08-21-2004, 02:50 PM
I need to switch my minor.



Make sure the kid is at least 18 or its illegal. If in doubt check her drivers license real quick when she goes to powder her nose.
No drivers license at all? Get rid of her ASAP!!!

ENDelt260
08-21-2004, 03:08 PM
Hope this helps; if you need further assistance, ask your dad for his copy of Meatloaf's "Bat Out of Hell"....and cue, "Paradise By the DashBoard Lights."

:thumb:

That song rules.

cadmonkey
08-21-2004, 03:09 PM
Nice Shoes, You wanna f*ck?

That one always works.........just remember to compliment her shoes.

ENDelt260
08-21-2004, 03:10 PM
Don't do the Paradise by the dashboard lights, she didn't put out !

Yeah, she did. He just got stuck with her afterwords.

JimNasium
08-21-2004, 03:13 PM
After a good nights rest I've decided that I need to give you some better advice. When the date starts to wind down I would:

1.) Smell of your armpit.
2.) Say in a really obnoxious voice "I'm ready for some puzzay!"

This will get you laid every time. Trust me. I learned this technique from KCMizzou.

Finally, there is only one person to blame for you being a virgin at 20 years of age............Dammit Carl! :cuss:

KcMizzou
08-21-2004, 03:15 PM
. I learned this technique from KCMizzou.

:cuss:

JimNasium
08-21-2004, 03:19 PM
:cuss:
ROFL

ENDelt260
08-21-2004, 03:21 PM
No I wasn't. Its kinda hard to look at mirror when your sitting infront of a computer screen.
Not so. I'm doing that exact thing right now.

ENDelt260
08-21-2004, 03:25 PM
Since then I have had to turn down more then a couple women.

Only because they think you're famous, Silent Bob.

Craash
08-21-2004, 07:55 PM
If my kid ever does this.. I'll beat him. This is something he should talk about with his friends... not mine. :p

It could be worse, the GIRL's Dad could be on here reading all the advice on how to tap his "little girl". Although, come to think of it, that should make him feel pretty secure! :hmmm:

Cntrygal
08-21-2004, 09:21 PM
It could be worse, the GIRL's Dad could be on here reading all the advice on how to tap his "little girl". Although, come to think of it, that should make him feel pretty secure! :hmmm:


ROFL

Phobia
08-21-2004, 09:26 PM
It could be worse, the GIRL's Dad could be on here reading all the advice on how to tap his "little girl". Although, come to think of it, that should make him feel pretty secure! :hmmm:

Bullshit.

This post may not get Roy laid on the first date, but he's definitely getting some eventually. Gochiefs could get laid following these directions.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showpost.php?p=1882445&postcount=246

Iowanian
08-21-2004, 09:28 PM
Sorry I missed this.

1. ask your dad.(serious)

2. If you are a raider fan.....the obvious answer is to drop 2 GHB pills in her soda and wait until she goes to sleep.

3. It may take some practice, but once you've figure it out.....calmly pour yourself a drink, turn on the "top gun" soundtrack, plop down on the sofa and say "hey bebeh, this dick isn't going to suck itself."

If you're successful, my best advice is to "find the soybean".....and "don't stab the soup, stir it slowly" until you learn the right way to cook....oh yeah...and you might want to rub one out a couple hours before....so you don't shoot yourself in the foot.

Go easy on the BRUTE by fabragee....and don't put any old spice on your tinkler.

Raiderhader
08-21-2004, 09:29 PM
Bullshit.

This post may not get Roy laid on the first date, but he's definitely getting some eventually. Gochiefs could get laid following these directions.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showpost.php?p=1882445&postcount=246


And here we have perfect example of how Phil tends to embellish and exaggerate in his posts.

Jenny Gump
08-21-2004, 09:42 PM
After a good nights rest I've decided that I need to give you some better advice. When the date starts to wind down I would:

1.) Smell of your armpit.
2.) Say in a really obnoxious voice "I'm ready for some puzzay!"

This will get you laid every time. Trust me. I learned this technique from KCMizzou.



ROFL
That's how KCMizzou taught ME to get puzzay as well!
ROFL

Fairplay
08-21-2004, 09:50 PM
A few of the basics have not been addressed in this so let me get you started before the big date.

First take a shower and use deodourant and a decent cologne. Don't put it on heavy. Brush your teeth and use a mouth wash. Always take a peppermint or spearmint gum or breath equivalent with you.
After you eat always take one and offer it to the girl. I prefer not gum products, as chewing all the time is doesn't do anything for you.
If she takes your breath product you offer thats always a good sign.

Nothing will turn a girl off faster then bad breath, always presume after you eat anything your breath will smell, thats why you should carry breath mints.

Hygiene lesson over.

bricks
08-21-2004, 10:09 PM
alright! I'll give this a shot. I'm probably gonna get laughed at anyway and critized, not that I care. Are you ready shark lovers? Probably a few of you r anxious enough to hear what I'm gonna say. Ok, anyway I'll get to the point, you wanna have sex with this one? I would be damn right honest about tha whole f*cking thing! No f*ck'n head games, none of this flirting b*llsh*t, no f*cking pick-up lines. Just be yourself, F*CK! Get the right timing on this one. Try and find a good setting with her first. Once you get the setting down pack, your all settled in with her, prime her up like you want her to feel horny about you. Once you mastered that, then just be honest, something simple like "hey, I'm very attracted to you. I can't help myself right now, I'm feeling very horny, are you? If she says yes. Well then, do you happen to be in the mood for some sexual intercourse? Cause I am". Don't ask her to F*ck right off the bat it's one of the biggest mistakes and it's stupid. Unless, of course, she says so.
if she says she not feeling horny, then you'll have to catch her another day.

*BTW, if it works, great! If not, then who gives a f*ck! Move on, get the next one, or go home alone, and yes jerking off is always an option.

Rain Man
08-21-2004, 10:40 PM
Ok, this is what you do...for real. Get her a little drunk...just tipsy enough to feel good. At the end of the date, if you guys are kind of kissing, and feeling around on each other...start to go up her shirt with your hand but stay outside the bra. Go slowly, so she doesn't feel like you are mauling her. After that, put your hand on her knee, all the while you are kissing. Get her worked up. Then when things are really hot, and really heavy, just pull back, stop kissing and seem a little frustrated. Then, when she asks you what's wrong, just look into her eyes, like you are telling her this big deep dark secret, and say "God, you just turn me on so much. You are so incredible. I want you so bad." Then move in for more kissing. Chances are, you make her feel wanted and show that she blows you away (no pun please) then you may just be home free.

I should note at this point that I'm more of a visual learner.

Fairplay
08-21-2004, 10:46 PM
I should note at this point that I'm more of a visual learner.



Pick up a porno mag . It should be of some help.

Mr. Kotter
08-21-2004, 11:16 PM
alright! I'll give this a shot. I'm probably gonna get laughed at anyway and critized, not that I care. Are you ready shark lovers? Probably a few of you r anxious enough to hear what I'm gonna say. Ok, anyway I'll get to the point, you wanna have sex with this one? I would be damn right honest about tha whole f*cking thing! No f*ck'n head games, none of this flirting b*llsh*t, no f*cking pick-up lines. Just be yourself, F*CK! Get the right timing on this one. Try and find a good setting with her first. Once you get the setting down pack, your all settled in with her, prime her up like you want her to feel horny about you. Once you mastered that, then just be honest, something simple like "hey, I'm very attracted to you. I can't help myself right now, I'm feeling very horny, are you? If she says yes. Well then, do you happen to be in the mood for some sexual intercourse? Cause I am". Don't ask her to F*ck right off the bat it's one of the biggest mistakes and it's stupid. Unless, of course, she says so.
if she says she not feeling horny, then you'll have to catch her another day.

*BTW, if it works, great! If not, then who gives a f*ck! Move on, get the next one, or go home alone, and yes jerking off is always an option.

That's a lot of BS, for "You Wanna F*ck?" If not, jerk off. :shake:

Phobia
08-21-2004, 11:17 PM
I can't help myself right now, I'm feeling very horny, are you?

I really am, but I'm not really feeling you, dude. Thanks for asking nicely and not pawing all over my body, though. Maybe next weekend.

Hugs

Raiderhader
08-22-2004, 12:32 AM
alright! I'll give this a shot. I'm probably gonna get laughed at anyway and critized, not that I care. Are you ready shark lovers? Probably a few of you r anxious enough to hear what I'm gonna say. Ok, anyway I'll get to the point, you wanna have sex with this one? I would be damn right honest about tha whole f*cking thing! No f*ck'n head games, none of this flirting b*llsh*t, no f*cking pick-up lines. Just be yourself, F*CK! Get the right timing on this one. Try and find a good setting with her first. Once you get the setting down pack, your all settled in with her, prime her up like you want her to feel horny about you. Once you mastered that, then just be honest, something simple like "hey, I'm very attracted to you. I can't help myself right now, I'm feeling very horny, are you? If she says yes. Well then, do you happen to be in the mood for some sexual intercourse? Cause I am". Don't ask her to F*ck right off the bat it's one of the biggest mistakes and it's stupid. Unless, of course, she says so.
if she says she not feeling horny, then you'll have to catch her another day.

*BTW, if it works, great! If not, then who gives a f*ck! Move on, get the next one, or go home alone, and yes jerking off is always an option.



And just remember Roy, gobricks here is the one who paid a whore $500 to screw his friend.....


And then his friend never paid him back.

Phobia
08-22-2004, 12:36 AM
Yeah. More advice for Roy.

If bricks happens to post on this thread, you should do the opposite of whatever he says.

Ari Chi3fs
08-22-2004, 12:38 AM
Sorry I missed this.
3. It may take some practice, but once you've figure it out.....calmly pour yourself a drink, turn on the "top gun" soundtrack, plop down on the sofa and say "hey bebeh, this dick isn't going to suck itself."

teh rep.

The Pedestrian
08-22-2004, 12:50 AM
Do you know what team she roots for? I'm assuming the Chiefs, but I don't believe I saw you post it...

Michael Michigan
08-22-2004, 02:13 AM
Didn't read the whole thread.

Did anyone mention the obvious?

Spit or swallow?

royr17
08-22-2004, 03:06 AM
No she likes the Titans ...

Rausch
08-22-2004, 04:41 AM
And just remember Roy, gobricks here is the one who paid a whore $500 to screw his friend.....


And then his friend never paid him back. ROFL

And if VaginaHader here is knocking a guys boot-knocking skills, he's got problems. Seriously.

If you want to make sex just try. If she truly cares about you the fact that you fumbe and bumble about with no clue will only endear her more to you. Just tackle the gal and let her know you're "going for the 2 pts bay-bah!"

tk13
08-22-2004, 04:48 AM
ROFL

And if VaginaHader here is knocking a guys boot-knocking skills, he's got problems. Seriously.


ROFL Harsh.

Jenny Gump
08-22-2004, 10:38 AM
Well then, do you happen to be in the mood for some sexual intercourse? Cause I am".

If not, then who gives a f*ck! Move on, get the next one, or go home alone, and yes jerking off is always an option.

Ok, seriously, if some guy asked me if I was "in the mood for some sexual intercourse", no way would I let him sink the cream machine.

Bad advice.

suds79
08-22-2004, 10:41 AM
Man to bad I'm really late jumping into this one.

I don't know to many people who go "So, are you ready to have sex now?".... Other person - "Sure. Lets do this."

Just try to get to some heavy makin out slick and just let it happen.

You'll quickly find out how far it'll go.

You don't ask to make out do you?

Bowser
08-22-2004, 10:43 AM
Ok, seriously, if some guy asked me if I was "in the mood for some sexual intercourse", no way would I let him sink the cream machine.

Bad advice.

OK, seriously, if some girl asked me if I wanted to "sink the cream machine", no way would I sink said "machine".

Bad mojo.

ROYC75
08-22-2004, 10:43 AM
Yeah, she did. He just got stuck with her afterwords.



Yeah, I know, he had to get hitched first before the sex..... I can see it now

1st comes lust ( it's not love )
then comes marriage
then comes royr pushing the baby carriage.


Don't need nomore gkids at this time...... K !

Bowser
08-22-2004, 10:44 AM
OK, seriously, if some girl asked me if I wanted to "sink the cream machine", no way would I sink said "machine".

Bad mojo.

Allright, allright!! Who am I kidding? I'd be all over that!!!

Bearcat
08-22-2004, 10:50 AM
No she likes the Titans ...


That's easy then.... take Nasium's advice, but add Steve McNair's lame TD celebration to it.....


http://content.clearchannel.com/Photos/sports_photos/NFL/Titans/steve_mcnair_JamieSquire1.jpg
"I'm ready for some puzzay!"

Jenny Gump
08-22-2004, 11:02 AM
Allright, allright!! Who am I kidding? I'd be all over that!!!

That's what I thought. :shake:

Over-Head
08-22-2004, 05:39 PM
Jenny, you know ANY man would be all over ya in a new york minute,,,but thats another story :thumb:

Did our poster boy for virginity get laid this weekend or what?

Inspector
08-22-2004, 05:48 PM
I haven't read all of this, and probably this has already been said, but....

Just ask her how much, then pay the fee and go for it. Wear protection....

Thig Lyfe
08-22-2004, 06:36 PM
If all else fails... become a judge!

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=96155

Iowanian
08-22-2004, 10:21 PM
Forget ALL of the previous posts on this thread....except mine.


In truth...you're not going to say "how was the macaroni, are you ready to bust my cherr-ah now?"

NO...........

You're going to having a nice time doing something else(watching movie, on a walk...whatever).

You're going to feel the moment is right....your hands will get sweaty, your voice will crack, and you might have some twitching..............Take a deep breath stick your hands in your pockets(to dry them on the paper towels I'm now recommending you place there before hand, for this exact moment).....and another one with some luck.

You'll work your nerve....you'll kiss her...........if she kisses back....you work on that a while.......you'll move on(if you're skilled) to gently rub the inside of her elbow pits...........and you'll work your way around the bases..........while rounding 3rd, if you're a gentleman, you'll ask "are you sure"......if she nods...............Plow deep.

Chiefs Pantalones
08-22-2004, 10:47 PM
Dude, you don't ask a girl to have sex with you. It just happens. Asking someone to have sex with you is kinda weird and desperate. When a guy and a girl are in love, anything can happen when they're together. Just enjoy your time with her and stop thinking with your wang, it'll get you in trouble and make you sound and look like a fool. Just live in the moment with her and DON'T ask her if she wants to have sex. That's weird.

Iowanian
08-22-2004, 10:51 PM
Cody just bribes them with Jalapeno cheese baows.


He is right though.....don't ask her, unless you're paying outright....Just keep stealing bases until she gives you the slide sign.

...oh yeah....if it fails......make sure to post the details on the storied "failed penthouse letters" thread.

Rausch
08-22-2004, 10:54 PM
Ok, seriously, if some guy asked me if I was "in the mood for some sexual intercourse", no way would I let him sink the cream machine.

Bad advice.

Yeah, just wink at 'er and ask "Would you like some EXTRA pepperoni with that pie mah'm?"

:evil:

Rausch
08-22-2004, 10:56 PM
...oh yeah....if it fails......make sure to post the details on the storied "failed penthouse letters" thread.

Pshaw...when that happens you just change the gal's name and feed your buddies as much bs as they're dumb (or drunk) enough to swallow... :)

Iowanian
08-22-2004, 11:04 PM
III.......You'll be looking for something resembling

Chiefs Pantalones
08-22-2004, 11:05 PM
Cody just bribes them with Jalapeno cheese baows.


He is right though.....don't ask her, unless you're paying outright....Just keep stealing bases until she gives you the slide sign.

...oh yeah....if it fails......make sure to post the details on the storied "failed penthouse letters" thread.

ROFL

Good point, btw. If you're paying, you have the green light to ask for anything. It's your damn money. ROFL

Iowanian
08-22-2004, 11:07 PM
You'll then, probably feel a little

Iowanian
08-22-2004, 11:09 PM
Don't tell her its *pic 1* if its *pic 2*

Iowanian
08-22-2004, 11:12 PM
If you play it right...she'll let you touch her

Iowanian
08-22-2004, 11:14 PM
To

Iowanian
08-22-2004, 11:17 PM
Beware of

Iowanian
08-22-2004, 11:19 PM
You've always got options

Iowanian
08-22-2004, 11:21 PM
and tells and your friends ask you about it....

Rain Man
08-22-2004, 11:23 PM
If you're too shy to ask directly, go to the girl's mom and ask her if she'd be interested in participating in a mother-daughter threesome. If she is, then she'll probably take care of the arrangements.

Iowanian
08-22-2004, 11:24 PM
Be careful her Daddy doesn't catch you or

Fairplay
08-22-2004, 11:41 PM
Iowanian i don't want to see that, even if it is an X-ray.

Rausch
08-23-2004, 12:01 AM
Iowanian i don't want to see that, even if it is an X-ray.

http://emhain.wit.ie/~ynicol/Funny/X-RAY.JPG

Fairplay
08-23-2004, 12:04 AM
ROFL Rausch!

royr17
08-23-2004, 12:11 AM
Ok, guys im not gonna get to meet her this week cause her aunt passes away today and she wont be able to come see me until probably next week.

Fairplay
08-23-2004, 12:19 AM
Ok, guys im not gonna get to meet her this week cause her aunt passes away today and she wont be able to come see me until probably next week.



Thats ok, did you get some good pointers through this thread? I hope so, you have to hunt and peck for them but they are there. Phobia had some good advice i know.

KCWolfman
08-23-2004, 02:25 AM
Leave a 50.00 bill on the nightstand and all is solved.

Fairplay
08-23-2004, 04:09 AM
Ok, guys im not gonna get to meet her this week cause her aunt passes away today and she wont be able to come see me until probably next week.





This reminds me of Bwana's thread about the change jar. We have to wait a while to find out what happens.

tk13
08-23-2004, 04:11 AM
http://emhain.wit.ie/~ynicol/Funny/X-RAY.JPG
Man... that picture takes "bottling your sexual frustration" to a whole new level...

Fairplay
08-23-2004, 04:32 AM
How the hell did that get up there? Nevermind, i don't want to know. :shake:

Bones
08-23-2004, 04:45 AM
http://emhain.wit.ie/~ynicol/Funny/X-RAY.JPG


WTF??? :hmmm:


How does that happen????

royr17
08-23-2004, 05:30 AM
yea she's gonna try to come down on friday dont know for sure yet and yes i did get some good pointers out of this thread.

Fairplay
08-23-2004, 05:38 AM
yea she's gonna try to come down on friday dont know for sure yet and yes i did get some good pointers out of this thread.




Excellent dude. Tell us the details of how it goes my friend.

morphius
08-23-2004, 07:12 AM
WTF??? :hmmm:


How does that happen????
As my Aunt the nurse tells similar stories, I'm guessing the explination was something like, "Well, I was in the shower and when I stepped out to reach for my towel I slipped and fell and it went right inside of me."

The really funny ones are people trying to explain away garden fruits and vegi's by saying that they were walking through the garden naked when they fell and the cucumber/carrot... slid right inside them. Yeah, uh-huh.

morphius
08-23-2004, 07:15 AM
yea she's gonna try to come down on friday dont know for sure yet and yes i did get some good pointers out of this thread.
Since you have a bit more time, start looking to find some good music from a pr0n movie; 'cause I swear every single time that music start plays, someone's getting laid.

Dartgod
08-23-2004, 07:23 AM
As my Aunt the nurse tells similar stories, I'm guessing the explination was something like, "Well, I was in the shower and when I stepped out to reach for my towel I slipped and fell and it went right inside of me."
A million-to-one shot, Doc, million-to-one...

jspchief
08-23-2004, 07:36 AM
Wow. I'm gone for a weekend and look what I miss. Luckily, we have an extra week to get him prepared now.

I think you need to look at the specifics of the situation a little closer. She's 23. That means one of a couple of things.

1.Is she nerdy? Maybe she's a virgin also. If so, she either really wants it also, or she's holding out for the "right guy". If she's holding out, it's gonna take longer than a weekend but things will work themselves out. If she's just trying to knock her first boot as well, add booze and enjoy.

2. If you know she's "experienced", then the question is how experienced? By 23, most girls have had multiple partners. They've also lived the bar scene where they've met plenty of guys just looking to get laid. Sometimes they just want to get laid too...and sometimes one night stands are a total turn-off. Just hope you get her in the right mood. Chances are, if you're a 20 yr old virgin, you're not the type to stir her "I wanna be dirty" rumblings. Forget about smooth moves and saying witty things. At 23, she's seen all that bullshit. Just be yourself. The harder you "try" to get in the pants of a 23 yr old girl, the more she'll be turned off.

3. Alcohol. It sounds like you two haven't done any "fooling around" yet. If that's the case, she's not going to screw the first time you make out...unless she's wasted. And that's still a maybe. And she'll need to be a slut. She may be thinking she'd like to screw, but if she's sober her conscience will override her hormones.

4. The virgin factor. A lot of girls have never bagged a virgin (unless it was that high school "first for both of us" thing). At 23 she probably thinks there are no virgin males over the age of 16. She may like the idea of showing you the ropes. It could help your chances. But it could hurt your chances. She may think it's sad, or wonder what's wrong with you. That's where you have to use your instincts. If she appears to really like you, and the conversation or action turns toward gettin busy, you might let her know that you're a cherry. If you're not sure if she's into you, don't tell her yet.

Seriously, forget about doing it on the first night/weekend. If it was some girl you picked up at the bar that night it would be one thing, but this isn't a good "one night stand" scenario. Add your lack of experience and your chances are about zero of making it happen in one day. Just work on laying the ground work. If you guys have never kissed, just work on some kissing, maybe some heavy making out with a little bit of roman hands. If you have already made out with her before, it's time to feel her tits. Maybe get in her pants and bang her, or maybe she'll play a little tug of war. You gotta crawl before you can walk. And it helps to get really good at crawling, to build confidence for that first step.

MOhillbilly
08-23-2004, 09:59 AM
gag-ball
duct-tape

ROYC75
08-23-2004, 10:29 AM
This thread is still unbelievable ! :shake:


BTA, it has been very funny ! ROFL

Iowanian
08-23-2004, 10:31 AM
The Bottle pic reminds me of the SNL skit "Appalacian Emergency Room"

"Whatcha get in there ta-day Tyler?"


Appropriately enough, III IS!!! writing from Kentucky.

ROYC75
08-23-2004, 10:35 AM
Like the slogan says, " Things go better with Coke ". :thumb: http://emhain.wit.ie/~ynicol/Funny/X-RAY.JPG

ENDelt260
08-23-2004, 11:37 AM
I don't know what I said to the last girl I had sex with.

But, that's okay. Neither did she.

KCWolfman
08-23-2004, 12:01 PM
WTF??? :hmmm:


How does that happen????
There is an entire wall dedicated to things stuck in orifices in the Children's Hospital in Louisville - at least there was 20 years ago.

ROYC75
08-23-2004, 12:27 PM
There is an entire wall dedicated to things stuck in orifices in the Children's Hospital in Louisville - at least there was 20 years ago.

Last I heard , it is still there.

Scaga
08-23-2004, 01:12 PM
Are the kids asleep???

~been married too long~

Pennywise
08-23-2004, 01:17 PM
http://emhain.wit.ie/~ynicol/Funny/X-RAY.JPG

And I always thought thats where Budweiser came from...

bogie
08-23-2004, 01:52 PM
Not that I don't enjoy the bottle up the ass thing...but to get back to the original question. If you're 20 and a virgin and she's 23, odds are she's more experienced than you. You need to relax, be yourself and let it happen. There's a good chance she may lead. Like others have said, brush your teeth and wash all areas of your body that are indented.

Raiderhader
08-23-2004, 01:59 PM
Not that I don't enjoy the bottle up the ass thing...but to get back to the original question. If you're 20 and a virgin and she's 23, odds are she's more experienced than you. You need to relax, be yourself and let it happen. There's a good chance she may lead. Like others have said, brush your teeth and wash all areas of your body that are indented.


Like, my forehead?

jspchief
08-23-2004, 02:05 PM
Not trying to hi-jack this thread....

But I heard when stuffing bottles up various orifices, you need to leave the lid on. Otherwise, the suction created will pull out your organs (or the poo, depending on orifice).

Think there's any truth to that?

Raiderhader
08-23-2004, 02:07 PM
Not trying to hi-jack this thread....

But I heard when stuffing bottles up various orifices, you need to leave the lid on. Otherwise, the suction created will pull out your organs (or the poo, depending on orifice).

Think there's any truth to that?


I haven't the foggiest idea.


Why don't you try it and get back to us?

morphius
08-23-2004, 02:07 PM
Not trying to hi-jack this thread....

But I heard when stuffing bottles up various orifices, you need to leave the lid on. Otherwise, the suction created will pull out your organs (or the poo, depending on orifice).

Think there's any truth to that?
Its not so much the pulling on organs, its that a vaccum gets created and you can't get it out...

Sometimes Nurses share way too much info...

ChiTown
08-23-2004, 02:11 PM
Young roy......just remember these little baubles of wisdom

1. Sometimes no, means no

2. Sometimes, no means yes

3. Never penetrate a hole that you wouldn't stick your tongue into (words to live by)

4. The phrase "It's better to give than to receive" does not apply in this thread

5. Always, and I mean always remember that greatness is measured in her moan and your length.................................of time

:)

jspchief
08-23-2004, 02:11 PM
Its not so much the pulling on organs, its that a vaccum gets created and you can't get it out...

Sometimes Nurses share way too much info...

But by "can't get it out", do you mean even with ball and hitch? Because I would think if you could get a good enough grip, you'd get it it out...it would just bring some of the insides outside.

ENDelt260
08-23-2004, 02:13 PM
3. Never penetrate a hole that you wouldn't stick your tongue into (words to live by)

Well, now that's just silly.

morphius
08-23-2004, 02:14 PM
But by "can't get it out", do you mean even with ball and hitch? Because I would think if you could get a good enough grip, you'd get it it out...it would just bring some of the insides outside.
I think you are pondering this a bit too much...

ewww

Jenny Gump
08-23-2004, 02:16 PM
As my Aunt the nurse tells similar stories, I'm guessing the explination was something like, "Well, I was in the shower and when I stepped out to reach for my towel I slipped and fell and it went right inside of me."

The really funny ones are people trying to explain away garden fruits and vegi's by saying that they were walking through the garden naked when they fell and the cucumber/carrot... slid right inside them. Yeah, uh-huh.

What???!! It can happen.

phisherman
08-23-2004, 02:18 PM
here's what you do:

you have her do something for you, tell her, "i want you to take one hand and cover the one hole you can't violate"

if she sticks her hands straight up in the air, that's your girl

bp

Saggysack
08-23-2004, 02:18 PM
Well, now that's just silly.

:hmmm:

No it isn't.

jspchief
08-23-2004, 02:18 PM
Well, now that's just silly.

I was just going to think it, but since you came out and said it....

ChiTown
08-23-2004, 02:22 PM
Well, now that's just silly.

Sorry, dude, but that canal is an exit only. I stay clear of that sombitch.

Ari Chi3fs
09-14-2004, 07:58 AM
so did you get laid or what?

Fairplay
09-17-2004, 04:37 AM
so did you get laid or what?





Unfortunately i think it was the "or what" part Chi3fs.

Ebolapox
09-17-2004, 11:56 AM
f*cking classic--I'm seriously amazed

-EB-

Ebolapox
09-18-2004, 10:47 AM
Oh, and to difuse the predictable, no I do not date midgets.

ROFL

-EB-

Ebolapox
09-18-2004, 10:59 AM
2 words: Donkey Punch

ROFL

best idea on the whole thread--I don't think he's advanced enough for a dirty sanchez or an 'E.T. phone home'...

-EB-

Ebolapox
09-18-2004, 11:00 AM
naw dad i think i pass and go with this girl instead. besides the girls coming down this week any way, oh and by the way guys u wanna know good thing about this chick, SHE LIKES FOOTBALL ... yes yes yes.

and you haven't boned her in the ass yet??

-EB-

Ebolapox
09-18-2004, 11:01 AM
Panties ? Oh u meant thongs didnt u !!! :)

:shake:

you're clueless, dawg--

-EB-

Ebolapox
09-18-2004, 11:01 AM
If you're having trouble getting a girl out of her sandals, you can completely forget about anything else....

ROFL

damn, that was harsh

-EB-

Ebolapox
09-18-2004, 11:03 AM
If my kid ever does this.. I'll beat him. This is something he should talk about with his friends... not mine. :p

:clap:

true the f*ck that--

-EB-

Ebolapox
09-18-2004, 11:04 AM
Naw Phob she not too old for me i would date somebody even if they was 25 but i would only go up to dating somebody that is 5 years older than me u may think its crazy but its true.

delusion: when kcnut and gochiefs are genetically combined

-EB-

Ultra Peanut
08-15-2007, 09:41 AM
Off the market, folks. Move along. :sulk:

Pink Paradise 2010
11-01-2009, 12:08 PM
Ask? :hmmm:

ROFL

you would think hu?ROFL

Pink Paradise 2010
11-01-2009, 12:09 PM
Are the kids asleep???

~been married too long~

ROFLROFLROFLROFL