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Braincase
09-17-2004, 10:15 AM
I used to date a girl who was a 911 Operator. God they hated it when I called her at work.

seclark
09-17-2004, 10:25 AM
it's hard to beat "gfy".
sec

Skip Towne
09-17-2004, 10:30 AM
That's not a knife, THIS is a knife.

ChiTown
09-17-2004, 10:31 AM
it's hard to beat "gfy".
sec

That is one of my faves.

I also like:
I hope your family dies in a vicious car wreck and that you develop cancerous polyps on your prostate. You should see the expressions of their face after that one.........




j/k

Swanman
09-17-2004, 10:32 AM
I called the airline to get tickets and they asked my how many would be flying. I said, "I don't know, it's your plane."

My fried asked me how I was getting to the airport. I told him I was flying to one of them.

HarryParatestes
09-17-2004, 11:08 AM
A termite walks into a bar and says "Excuse me...is the bartender here? ROFL

HarryParatestes
09-17-2004, 11:09 AM
Take my wife. Please!

My Mother-In-Law said I was driving her to an ealry grave. So I went out and warmed up the car!

MOhillbilly
09-17-2004, 11:13 AM
It aint a beatin' till someone quits breathing.


http://www.bostonbeatdown.com/

Demonpenz
09-17-2004, 11:13 AM
My wife told me to take her to someplace she's never been before, so i took her to the kitchen

MOhillbilly
09-17-2004, 11:45 AM
Go have sex w/ your mother.

ENDelt260
09-17-2004, 11:47 AM
Go have sex w/ your mother.
F*ck off, Dad. I'm tired of doing your dirty work.

MOhillbilly
09-17-2004, 11:51 AM
F*ck off, Dad. I'm tired of doing your dirty work.

i just got a new dosage of viagra,take two & get back in there.

Lord Bestyle
09-17-2004, 12:15 PM
Bought a map of the U.S., actual size. It's a bitch to fold.

Brando
09-17-2004, 12:58 PM
My name in Enigo Mantoya. You killed my father, now prepare to die.

bogie
09-17-2004, 01:16 PM
I used to work in an orange juice factory but got fired because I couldn't concentrate.

Brando
09-17-2004, 01:19 PM
I fell off the jetway again

munkey
09-17-2004, 01:23 PM
I can't believe there's not a single job in this town....Yeah, not unless you want to work 40 hours a week.

Brando
09-17-2004, 01:26 PM
I'm looking for Ray Finkle...and a clean pair of shorts

KS Smitty
09-17-2004, 01:35 PM
Whenever I sing I'm asked to sing solo tenor..... solo they can't hear me and tenor fifteen miles away.

homey
09-17-2004, 01:37 PM
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Brando
09-17-2004, 01:37 PM
You want a toe? I can get you a toe by 3 pm. With nail polish.

KCTitus
09-17-2004, 01:48 PM
Did you parents have any children that lived?

Brando
09-17-2004, 02:03 PM
When they said yous was hung theys was right

Mark M
09-17-2004, 02:05 PM
Can I borrow your towel ... my car just hit a water buffalo.

MM
~~:spock:

Brando
09-17-2004, 02:10 PM
are you going to eat your fat??

C-Mac
09-17-2004, 02:14 PM
Bought a bag of powdered water, but couldnt find anything to mix it with.

ptlyon
09-17-2004, 02:32 PM
When they said yous was hung theys was right

HAY! WHERE ALL DA WHITE WOMEN AT?!?

BigRedChief
09-17-2004, 02:34 PM
They call me Tater Salad

Chief Fanatic
09-17-2004, 04:11 PM
Do you mind if we dance wiff yo dates?

OldTownChief
09-17-2004, 04:19 PM
Dog limps in to the bar and says: "I'm lookin for the man that shot my paw"

OldTownChief
09-17-2004, 04:21 PM
I washed mine to, but when I was done the towell didn't look like no gawd damn maxi pad.

The Pedestrian
09-17-2004, 04:22 PM
Let's make like a driver and get the truck out...

RedDread
09-17-2004, 04:35 PM
A Priest, a Rapist, and a Pedophile all walk into the bar, and that's just the first guy

Pitt Gorilla
09-17-2004, 05:01 PM
They call me Tater SaladUh, I guess they don't have to be funny?!?

foxman
09-17-2004, 05:17 PM
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She went back for a mud pack and for two days she looked great, then the mud fell off.

whoman69
09-17-2004, 06:10 PM
Bought a map of the U.S., actual size. It's a bitch to fold.
I just lost a buttonhole. Where can I find a buttonhole?

Ultra Peanut
09-17-2004, 07:21 PM
http://www.cinema.com/image_lib/4017_0010_thumb.jpg
"Might I suggest doing it in the butt?"

gblowfish
09-17-2004, 07:25 PM
"The only way I can make my wife scream in the bedroom is if I wipe my d*&k on the drapes!"
-Rodney Dangerfield, My Hero-

Lord Bestyle
09-17-2004, 08:39 PM
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

OldTownChief
09-17-2004, 08:55 PM
"The only way I can make my wife scream in the bedroom is if I wipe my d*&k on the drapes!"
-Rodney Dangerfield, My Hero-



ROFL

stumppy
09-17-2004, 09:46 PM
Asked a cab driver to take me to a place I could have a good time with a women. He took me to my wife's house.

Rodney Dangerfield - One funny mofo.

J Diddy
09-17-2004, 10:09 PM
A Priest, a Rapist, and a Pedophile all walk into the bar, and that's just the first guy
ROFL

Dartgod
09-17-2004, 10:14 PM
I was born a poor black child.

Over-Head
09-17-2004, 10:20 PM
That woman’s so ugly; she’d make a freight train take a dirt road

Brando
09-18-2004, 01:10 AM
How many @ssholes are there on this ship? Great! I'm surrounded by @ssholes!

elvomito
09-18-2004, 05:10 AM
"oh i'm sorry, did i break yo concentration?"
-samuel l jackson, pulp fiction

38yrsfan
09-18-2004, 10:00 AM
I loved a girl in Chicago once .............. no make that twice.
Hawkeye, MASH.

Baby Lee
09-18-2004, 10:14 AM
"oh i'm sorry, did i break yo concentration?"
-samuel l jackson, pulp fiction
An all time great cinematic scene

Check out the big brain on Brad.
"What" ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "What?"
JULES - Now describe to me what Marsellus Wallace looks like!
BRETT - Well he's ...he's...black --
JULES - -- go on!
BRETT - ...and he's...he's...tall --
JULES - -- does he look like a bitch?!

Ultra Peanut
09-18-2004, 11:34 AM
Speaking of Tarantino movies...

"Son number one, this tall drink of cocksucker ain't dead."

38yrsfan
09-18-2004, 12:28 PM
What's another word for thesaurus?

Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. "Pardon me," the stock boy says. "Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you."

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

38yrsfan
09-18-2004, 01:38 PM
If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest does it make a sound?

If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

The Pedestrian
09-18-2004, 02:52 PM
"Before I left, I told my girlfriend that I wouldn't drink or see anyone else until I got back.....give me some of that gin, but make it a small one; I got a date tonight."

--M*A*S*H

InvinciBill
09-18-2004, 05:04 PM
"Before I left, I told my girlfriend that I wouldn't drink or see anyone else until I got back.....give me some of that gin, but make it a small one; I got a date tonight."

--M*A*S*H

"Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?"
-Hawkeye to Hot Lips

Over-Head
09-18-2004, 05:13 PM
"So many gun's and so few brain cells"
Humphrey Bogart

"YOU!! Off my planet!
George Carlin

"Earth's Full...GO HOME"
Red Fox

"The fu@k ya at the drive through!"
Joe Pecci (sp) in Lethal weapon

Baby Lee
09-18-2004, 05:22 PM
"YOU!! Off my planet!
George Carlin
Stewardess: Get on the plane, sir.
Carlin: F@ck you! I'm getting in the plane.

The Pedestrian
09-18-2004, 10:51 PM
I'm very open-minded...have been ever since that accident involving my girlfriend and the axe.

Jenson71
09-19-2004, 12:12 AM
"I could dance with you until the cows come home...on second thought I'd rather dance with the cows when you come home." Groucho Marx

Not particularly funny, but I like it.

The Pedestrian
09-19-2004, 12:17 AM
"If we don't steal ideas, where are they gonna come from?"

--Roger Myers (The Simpsons)