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-   -   I have a date. (https://chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=164919)

'Hamas' Jenkins 12-27-2009 05:51 AM

Ahhh...

So, how many chicks have you hollowed out, now?

Hammock Parties 12-27-2009 05:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 'Hamas' Jenkins (Post 6380210)
Ahhh...

So, how many chicks have you hollowed out, now?

If you can hollow out a throat, 4.

'Hamas' Jenkins 12-27-2009 05:57 AM

It's a process.

FWIW, I know you don't like bars, but if you are looking for XP, it's the easiest way to get it. You won't bat a high percentage, but you can pick low hanging fruit, and you don't have to worry about a hunchback, either.

Hammock Parties 12-27-2009 06:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 'Hamas' Jenkins (Post 6380213)
FWIW, I know you don't like bars, but if you are looking for XP, it's the easiest way to get it.

I'm visiting Dallas in February. Good opportunity to level up. Maybe you could give me a "mission" every night. I probably wouldn't be such a SCARED PUSSY if I made a game of it.

'Hamas' Jenkins 12-27-2009 06:12 AM

Tell me how many nights you're going to be there, and I'll construct a level.

Hammock Parties 12-27-2009 06:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 'Hamas' Jenkins (Post 6380219)
Tell me how many nights you're going to be there, and I'll construct a level.

Man, I'm there for like 3 ****ing weeks.

It's going to be a huge social experiment. I could die.

Fire Me Boy! 12-27-2009 06:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6380181)
LMAO

At least I got a cool story out of it.

Dude, that was a very entertaining story. You've really got some talent.


Quote:

In horror, I realize the street I need to turn off onto HAS NO ROAD SIGN. What MORONIC UGNAUGHT OF ROAD ENGINEERING thought this was a good idea? HOW THE **** AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT ROAD TO TURN OFF ON? THE ****ING ROADS AREN'T LABELED?!?!?! CHRIST!!!!!!!!!! If I find that ugnaught I am going to put him into carbon freeze and chop the block in half.
One minor critique, from one writer to another: In the quoted sentence, I think it would read significantly better if you didn't use "ugnaught" a second time. I tend to shy away from using the same adjectives and nouns within the same story, let alone the same paragraph.

Something like, "If I find that snouted bastard I am going to put him into carbon freeze and chop the block in half," would have been more effective, in my opinion.

Hammock Parties 12-27-2009 06:55 AM

True, FMB, but you need to consider the reader may not even realize ugnaughts have snouts.

Fire Me Boy! 12-27-2009 07:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6380231)
True, FMB, but you need to consider the reader may not even realize ugnaughts have snouts.

You're assuming the average reader knows what an ugnaught is at all. Your piece already assumes a better-than-average knowledge of the SW universe.

Dave Lane 12-27-2009 10:42 AM

Jesus ****ing Christ Clayton. Follow some advice and save yourself from shit like this. Seriously if you'd stop being a doormat for women you'd be pulling tail with epic win.

luv 12-27-2009 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6380211)
If you can hollow out a throat, 4.

And if not?

luv 12-27-2009 10:52 AM

I could barely understand what you were saying as you damn near woke me up (I had just gone to bed). By the end of the conversation I thought you had said "She invited me here, and she's here with another guy." That's why I said pick up another chick. When you weren't into that, that's when I suggested you beat it (leave, that is). If you had taken my advice (even though I didn't have the situation right), you could have saved yourself the horror. :)

ziggysocki 12-27-2009 01:59 PM

Clay, what you need is a reliable wingman. Someone to talk strategy with, get input, help with icebreaker maybe even help with a quick getaway if needed. Everybody has at least one friend that is the smoothest mother****er around and can pull almost any ass he wants... or a chick friend that will introduce you to random stranger chicks she thinks are hot. Ice breaking is what seems to be your problem... for whatever reason; fear of rejection, former fattiness, you meet them on the net cause you have more experience with internet conversation. You need icebreakers. You are clever, so once the ice is broken, you should do ok... I had an Army buddy that was just like you. I would always go talk to girls for him or drag them over to him and put him on the spot. Eventually his confidence came up, and he was a true poonhound.

Brock 12-27-2009 02:04 PM

You think Clay has at least one friend who's the smoothest mother****er around and can pull all the ass he wants? Really?

Pablo 12-27-2009 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brock (Post 6381449)
You think Clay has at least one friend who's the smoothest mother****er around and can pull all the ass he wants? Really?

Star Wars conventions are your sure-fire best bet to find smooth talking mother****ers that can pull all the ass they want.

dirk digler 12-27-2009 02:13 PM

Holy crap Clay that is a pretty funny story. You should start a blog about your dating experience.

ziggysocki 12-27-2009 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brock (Post 6381449)
You think Clay has at least one friend who's the smoothest mother****er around and can pull all the ass he wants? Really?

That may be exaggerated... but how about a friend who can talk to a real live girl, in person without the cloaking device known as the internet.

Hammock Parties 12-28-2009 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6380174)
EPIC INTERNET DATING FAILURE

By A.R. Etard.


PREFAIL CHECK

OK, so, the other night this cute girl with this tight little body, that I met a couple months ago on a stupid dating site, starts talking to me. She wants to go out with me on New Year's because she wants someone to kiss. Being someone who NEVER ignores attention from hot chicks, I oblige, with the stipulation that we meet first just in case. She agrees.

We decide to meet for coffee on Saturday. She postpones. A few hours later I get a text just before midnight. She's at a bar and wants me to come out. I hate bars, but if someone asks me to one, I'll go. And again, I NEVER ignore attention from hot chicks, so like a good little boy I get in my car and head on over, at about 12:30 AM.


THE GREAT ESCAPE


This is where things get dicey. I have a lot of relatives visiting for the holidays. I don't want to wake any of them up. Plus, I am a huge pussy and feel if they discovered me sneaking out of the house in the wee hours of the morning, sort of dressed up, they'd want to bang me over the head with a bible.

Now, herein enters the first problem. TWO OF THEM HAVEN'T GONE TO BED YET. I feel very, VERY uncomfortable walking out of the house in front of them. It would be really awkward. It just doesn't feel right. So, I hatch a plan.

I open my window, pop out the screen, climb on my dresser and hop out. Yes, like a teenager breaking his curfew, I sneak out of the house. How pathetic. Then again, my screwed up psyche is driving me to do these things, so it doesn't seem so odd or juvenile. Merely exhilarating. ESCAPE!

I head to my car, get in and drive off. The night is mine. Just me, my dick, and open road toward a cute girl with a tight little body, that is begging me to come hang out with her. She thinks my faux scottish accent is "hot."


DANGER, WILL ROBINSON

About 20 minutes later I realize I didn't realize what the **** I was doing. This bar is on the other side of TOWN. It's not DOWNtown, god forbid, but it is WELL past the airport and if I get there before closing time it will be a miracle. Nevertheless, I am not going to pussy out. I am not turning forth. I press my foot against the accelerator, driving ever-so-slightly over the speed limit, onward.

I know where I have to turn. I need to get on the access road right before 59. At this point, it's 1:40 and all the IMMINENT FAIL ABORT MISSION alarm klaxons are going off in my head. This bar closes at 2. Time is of the essence. But, I've come this far, so I turn off on the access road. This is where things begin to get worse.

In horror, I realize the street I need to turn off onto HAS NO ROAD SIGN. What MORONIC UGNAUGHT OF ROAD ENGINEERING thought this was a good idea? HOW THE **** AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT ROAD TO TURN OFF ON? THE ****ING ROADS AREN'T LABELED?!?!?! CHRIST!!!!!!!!!! If I find that ugnaught I am going to put him into carbon freeze and chop the block in half.

So, I'm driving south along the 59 access road, wondering what the **** to do. After five minutes of mental hand-wringing, as the digital clock ticks away, I decide to turn around. I swerve on up until I hit 1960 and pull into a gas station.

"Hey," I ask the bleary-eyed fat mexican as she extends the safety-deposit thingamajig from behind the glass, afraid I might be packing heat at 1:55 AM. "Do you know where 1st street is?"

"Right there."

She points to the street in front of the gas station. What a ****ing moron I am. Even so, I HAVE FOUND THE HOLY GRAIL. OUR QUEST IS AT AN END. WE THANK THEE LORD....


SCENE OF THE CRIME

1:57 AM. Anyway, I trundle on down the road for about 10 seconds until HALLELUJAH, KISS MY BLARNEY STONES AND ASS-TO-MOUTH THAT LEPRECHAUN, THERE'S THIS LEGENDARY PUB NAMED SHAMROCK'S. I pull on in as drunken people cavort in the parking lot, firing up their hormonal systems for imminent sexual congress. Will I join them?

After all, this is what people do, right? They go to bars on Saturday night and get laid? Dreams do come true. However, my nightmare is ONLY BEGINNING!!!!

After being carded by a large, burly black man, and worrying for a brief second about the seven-years-old fat photo I have on my ID, I enter the bar and see, only briefly, the girl I am supposed to meet. I do not get a full view of her, as it is dark and I can only see her face. However, I do note that she is kissing some other mother****er. Jesus ****ing Christ.

I panic, spin on one foot and exit the bar as quickly as I can, wishing to avoid making eye contact with this girl and embarrassing myself completely. I run for comfort and dial up our very own luv, who of course is awake and playing Clue with her cats or somesuch. Who knows.

More than happy to talk, dearest luv hears my desperate plea. "You won't believe what ****ing just happened to me....what the **** do I do now....should I ram my car into this bar....should I blow my head off?"

Leann, undoubtedly amused by the situation, thinks I should try to pick up some drunk slut. Not my style. Anyway, I hang up, happy to have vented, but no closer to reaching a resolution.

I call the girl I am supposed to meet and she is actually happy to hear that I have arrived. I told her I got lost, but she doesn't care and says to come inside. So, I do.


THE HORROR! THE HORROR!


There is no cute girl with a tight little body. This girl....if you can call it a girl...is some hunched over monster wearing a shawl and looking not unlike any number of denizens that appeared in the Mos Eisley Cantina or the main audience chamber inside the Palace of Jabba The Hutt. Come to think of it, she's more likely to be in Jabba's dungeons, waiting to be fed to the Rancor, who is better looking and has very muscular legs, but that is neither here nor there.

I am horrified. This...thing...looks like it just got finished with a three-day binger. Her skin is pale. Her eyes have deep, dark circles around them. I don't know what the **** she's wearing but she looks like she should be pushing a cart filled with pigeons in the park. My urge to run from her was as strong as Kevin McCallister's urge to flee from the pigeon lady in Home Alone 2. If this girl was 22, I was 16.

But, for some reason, I decide to give her a chance. I mean, I ****ing drove halfway across the state of Texas to see her, so I might as well get to ****ing know her. Maybe she has a hot friend or something. Stranger things have happened.

She is very drunk, and I follow her to IHOP. Her dinged pickup truck swerves dangerously as I trail and I am thankful to whatever deity is watching over me (probably that ****er Satan, who is laughing with delight at this point) that the International House Of Porn Is More Enticing Right Now is just two blocks away.


IHOP THIS IS OVER SOON

We get there and as I exit my car, some drunken hotties in a pickup yell at me. "Woo! Look at that tight booty!" They are staring at my ass apparently as I lock my car. I give them a knowing smile as they pass by. Ha. Maybe I should get out more.

Anyway, we get inside and make chit chat. I try to hide my absolute, sheer horror of the situation and decide to get some crepes. I decide to text Leann and tell her what has happened.

"This is terrible. She's much larger than her photos."

I hit send and think nothing of it. 10 seconds later I realize the muscle memory my fingers have been employing all night whilst texting Jabba's denizen has...gone and done something rather rash. Yes, I sent the text to Pigeon Lady. I hear her phone beep.

Oh my ****ing god. This night could not be going any worse.

In an attempt to salvage a VERY embarrassing situation, I ask her to turn her phone off, because it's the polite thing to do, and she has been using it alot since we sat down, and I'd like to have a conversation etc etc etc. She obliges, not realizing the horrendous social gaffe I have just committed. I excuse myself to the bathroom to regroup and check for sure that I just sent her a text which she will surely read later and go ballistic over.

Yes, there's no going back now. The electrons have traveled through the air and the deed is done. It's just a matter of waiting now. This thing is about to COMPLETELY BLOW UP IN MY FACE.


YOU'RE ALL CLEAR KID NOW LET'S BLOW THIS THING AND GO HOME

I exit the bathroom, and as I sit down, the look on her face tells me she took my toilet visit as an opportunity to turn her phone back on and check her message. Politely, she excuses herself.

Oh my god, well, at least it's over, right? Write it off as a learning experience. At least you found a cool bar and you know your way around Houston a little more now. And you broke in those jeans and got a drive-by hitting on from some hot girls. That was fun.

Oh, but no, mother****er. It isn't over. There's always falling action after the climax.

So I trundle on down the road, not really defeated, but definitely disappointed and oddly bemused by the EPIC FAIL I have just witnessed/engineered/suffered. She texts me "**** YOU." Well, that's nice. I tell her she shouldn't lie, and that is that. And to think I could have been sitting here updating GIF'D UP.


HOLY ****ING SHIT

Obviously not being Magellan or even a bird with a map in it's head, I begin to realize I AM ****ING LOST again. The road I am on ends in a dead end, and I have to turn left, and SUDDENLY I'M INSIDE THE ****ING AIRPORT?!?! What's next? Are some Russians executing a 3 AM drug deal going to pop a red cap in my ass? Look, I like adventure and all, but after escaping through a window and pretending to be Knight Rider for an hour before entering Jabba's Palace and attempting to dine with a Gammorean guard, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Christ Almighty. Satan is still giggling himself silly.

SOMEHOW, I figure out how to get out of the airport. SOMEHOW, I get back on the right road, avoid any cops (I'm half-speeding) or drunken reeruns and make it home. I stop to procure some hot wings for tomorrow's game and ice cream, because when you have a shitty date, you really ****ing need some ice cream. But wait...we're not done yet.

I get home and unlock the front door. Everyone is asleep thankfully, ignorant to the fact that I was just out trying to stick my penis inside something despite not being married to it. I go to my room and...oh, I locked the door before I left. Uh, ****.

So, I have to go outside and climb in the window I climbed out of, like some reerunED PATHETIC TEENAGER. But at least I didn't step in dog crap.

THE END.

FAIL

PS - Right before I left, a really, REALLY hot girl with curly hair messaged me and wanted to chat. I guess, when one door closes (or rather, slams shut on your fingers and breaks them off), another one opens. But do I dare venture out into the night again? Do I dare risk the discovery of a curly-haired TOAD?

More importantly, despite how hot this new girl is, do I REALLY want to go downtown, and return to the scene of the crime where I totaled a car attempting to meet a chick at a club eight months ago?

Join us next time on JESUS ****ING CHRIST WHAT THE **** HOLY HELL **** THIS SHIT WHY DO I EVEN ****ING BOTHER?

Oh, by the way, I'm free for New Year's eve.





ATTENTION WHORING BUMP

Dave Lane 12-28-2009 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6386782)
ATTENTION WHORING BUMP

Some would call attention whoring a lack of confidence. Dude be happy. Your young, you are now in shape and your are at the prime of your sexual powers. relax let the women come to you. Believe me I'd be real happy to be be 29 again. You have the world by the tail feel your worth and you will stick out like a beacon in the night to a woman. They can smell desperation and wimpyness a mile away. Exert strong confident masculine energy and the women will find you.

Hammock Parties 12-29-2009 08:38 PM

Oh, Jesus Christ. This is just sad. Especially since she's 200 miles away.

Hey,
How are you? I’m ok. I’d like to get to know you better. Do you have any instant messengers like yahoo, or msn? My cerebral palsy may seem overwhelming, but I have a brilliant mind and a heart of gold.
Well, I hope to hear from you soon…
Love,
Marie

http://imgur.com/J7Xyd.jpg

boogblaster 12-29-2009 08:46 PM

201 thou pointers and no pussy yet .... Go Boy insert your penis .. Damn .....

Hammock Parties 01-03-2010 06:54 AM

It's on.

Quote:

Welcome

My name is Claudia Opdenkelder, President of CougarLife.com - recently voted the Wildest dating site in North America!

In this day and age a Cougar can take many forms - recent divorcees looking to date, yummy mummies looking to let loose or sexy singles like me. We have one thing in common - we are sexually charged, independent and interested in meeting young, virile men.

As a GUEST MEMBER you can send 3 FREE Custom Messages to the Cougars you desire.

Click below to see Cougars in your area who I THINK would be your perfect match.

And remember, at Cougar Life the women often hunt you.

http://cougarlife.com/search?<wbr>lt=228095-e8fd7992

Feel free to contact me anytime!

Claudia Opdenkelder Claudia@CougarLife.com
President (and proud cougar)
Cougar Life

Hammock Parties 01-06-2010 12:38 AM

Hey, could you guys check out my dating profile for me? Give me some pointers? Suggestions?

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/GokuMystic32

OnTheWarpath15 01-06-2010 12:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6400121)
It's on.

I heard a commercial for CougarLife.com on Sirius NFL Radio today, and mean to PM you about it.

Guess you beat me to it.

Hammock Parties 01-06-2010 12:50 AM

It's a stupid pay site. Cougars have disposable income or something...

88TG88 01-06-2010 12:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6400121)
It's on.

Is it legit or is it a bait and switch site ?

Discuss Thrower 01-06-2010 12:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6390546)
Oh, Jesus Christ. This is just sad. Especially since she's 200 miles away.

Hey,
How are you? I’m ok. I’d like to get to know you better. Do you have any instant messengers like yahoo, or msn? My cerebral palsy may seem overwhelming, but I have a brilliant mind and a heart of gold.
Well, I hope to hear from you soon…
Love,
Marie

http://imgur.com/J7Xyd.jpg

Well ****... GoChiefs and I are on the same level when it comes to getting attention from the ladies. Time to drink!

OnTheWarpath15 01-06-2010 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6414029)
It's a stupid pay site. Cougars have disposable income or something...

Well, that's ****ed.

I always thought that dating sites charged men, but cut women a break. Like bars and clubs.

Figured it would be the reverse for a site like that.

Hammock Parties 01-06-2010 12:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88TG88 (Post 6414031)
Is it legit or is it a bait and switch site ?

It's legit. But you can send three messages before they want 10 bucks a month.

I got my cougar for FREE, internets. Joke's on you.

Hammock Parties 01-06-2010 12:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J-Town Fan 1988 (Post 6414032)
Well ****... GoChiefs and I are on the same level when it comes to getting attention from the ladies. Time to drink!

She pestered me again tonight. I said sorry, not interested and she called me a jerk.

Discuss Thrower 01-06-2010 01:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6414036)
She pestered me again tonight. I said sorry, not interested and she called me a jerk.

Well you've answered the question I had about signing up for such sites. I ain't ****in' doin' it.

Hammock Parties 01-06-2010 01:03 AM

Talking to a gay man now. He checked me out.

Discuss Thrower 01-06-2010 01:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6414046)
Talking to a gay man now. He checked me out.

I'd consider it a moral victor if he's a good looking gay man.

Hammock Parties 01-06-2010 01:10 AM

Oh, he's very good looking. If I was a woman I'd jump him.

Hammock Parties 01-06-2010 01:11 AM

in texas u should have tons of women around you

yeah but I don't go out
i need a gay man to pimp me out

well u know gay men have the hottest lady friends

indeed

well buddy i have work first thing in the morning so i have to bounce but it was fun talking to you. hit me up if you ever bored. good luck with the ladies

thanks hot gay man


lol thanks hung gun in texas

Mr. Flopnuts 01-06-2010 01:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6380174)
EPIC INTERNET DATING FAILURE

By A.R. Etard.


PREFAIL CHECK

OK, so, the other night this cute girl with this tight little body, that I met a couple months ago on a stupid dating site, starts talking to me. She wants to go out with me on New Year's because she wants someone to kiss. Being someone who NEVER ignores attention from hot chicks, I oblige, with the stipulation that we meet first just in case. She agrees.

We decide to meet for coffee on Saturday. She postpones. A few hours later I get a text just before midnight. She's at a bar and wants me to come out. I hate bars, but if someone asks me to one, I'll go. And again, I NEVER ignore attention from hot chicks, so like a good little boy I get in my car and head on over, at about 12:30 AM.


THE GREAT ESCAPE


This is where things get dicey. I have a lot of relatives visiting for the holidays. I don't want to wake any of them up. Plus, I am a huge pussy and feel if they discovered me sneaking out of the house in the wee hours of the morning, sort of dressed up, they'd want to bang me over the head with a bible.

Now, herein enters the first problem. TWO OF THEM HAVEN'T GONE TO BED YET. I feel very, VERY uncomfortable walking out of the house in front of them. It would be really awkward. It just doesn't feel right. So, I hatch a plan.

I open my window, pop out the screen, climb on my dresser and hop out. Yes, like a teenager breaking his curfew, I sneak out of the house. How pathetic. Then again, my screwed up psyche is driving me to do these things, so it doesn't seem so odd or juvenile. Merely exhilarating. ESCAPE!

I head to my car, get in and drive off. The night is mine. Just me, my dick, and open road toward a cute girl with a tight little body, that is begging me to come hang out with her. She thinks my faux scottish accent is "hot."


DANGER, WILL ROBINSON

About 20 minutes later I realize I didn't realize what the **** I was doing. This bar is on the other side of TOWN. It's not DOWNtown, god forbid, but it is WELL past the airport and if I get there before closing time it will be a miracle. Nevertheless, I am not going to pussy out. I am not turning forth. I press my foot against the accelerator, driving ever-so-slightly over the speed limit, onward.

I know where I have to turn. I need to get on the access road right before 59. At this point, it's 1:40 and all the IMMINENT FAIL ABORT MISSION alarm klaxons are going off in my head. This bar closes at 2. Time is of the essence. But, I've come this far, so I turn off on the access road. This is where things begin to get worse.

In horror, I realize the street I need to turn off onto HAS NO ROAD SIGN. What MORONIC UGNAUGHT OF ROAD ENGINEERING thought this was a good idea? HOW THE **** AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT ROAD TO TURN OFF ON? THE ****ING ROADS AREN'T LABELED?!?!?! CHRIST!!!!!!!!!! If I find that ugnaught I am going to put him into carbon freeze and chop the block in half.

So, I'm driving south along the 59 access road, wondering what the **** to do. After five minutes of mental hand-wringing, as the digital clock ticks away, I decide to turn around. I swerve on up until I hit 1960 and pull into a gas station.

"Hey," I ask the bleary-eyed fat mexican as she extends the safety-deposit thingamajig from behind the glass, afraid I might be packing heat at 1:55 AM. "Do you know where 1st street is?"

"Right there."

She points to the street in front of the gas station. What a ****ing moron I am. Even so, I HAVE FOUND THE HOLY GRAIL. OUR QUEST IS AT AN END. WE THANK THEE LORD....


SCENE OF THE CRIME

1:57 AM. Anyway, I trundle on down the road for about 10 seconds until HALLELUJAH, KISS MY BLARNEY STONES AND ASS-TO-MOUTH THAT LEPRECHAUN, THERE'S THIS LEGENDARY PUB NAMED SHAMROCK'S. I pull on in as drunken people cavort in the parking lot, firing up their hormonal systems for imminent sexual congress. Will I join them?

After all, this is what people do, right? They go to bars on Saturday night and get laid? Dreams do come true. However, my nightmare is ONLY BEGINNING!!!!

After being carded by a large, burly black man, and worrying for a brief second about the seven-years-old fat photo I have on my ID, I enter the bar and see, only briefly, the girl I am supposed to meet. I do not get a full view of her, as it is dark and I can only see her face. However, I do note that she is kissing some other mother****er. Jesus ****ing Christ.

I panic, spin on one foot and exit the bar as quickly as I can, wishing to avoid making eye contact with this girl and embarrassing myself completely. I run for comfort and dial up our very own luv, who of course is awake and playing Clue with her cats or somesuch. Who knows.

More than happy to talk, dearest luv hears my desperate plea. "You won't believe what ****ing just happened to me....what the **** do I do now....should I ram my car into this bar....should I blow my head off?"

Leann, undoubtedly amused by the situation, thinks I should try to pick up some drunk slut. Not my style. Anyway, I hang up, happy to have vented, but no closer to reaching a resolution.

I call the girl I am supposed to meet and she is actually happy to hear that I have arrived. I told her I got lost, but she doesn't care and says to come inside. So, I do.


THE HORROR! THE HORROR!


There is no cute girl with a tight little body. This girl....if you can call it a girl...is some hunched over monster wearing a shawl and looking not unlike any number of denizens that appeared in the Mos Eisley Cantina or the main audience chamber inside the Palace of Jabba The Hutt. Come to think of it, she's more likely to be in Jabba's dungeons, waiting to be fed to the Rancor, who is better looking and has very muscular legs, but that is neither here nor there.

I am horrified. This...thing...looks like it just got finished with a three-day binger. Her skin is pale. Her eyes have deep, dark circles around them. I don't know what the **** she's wearing but she looks like she should be pushing a cart filled with pigeons in the park. My urge to run from her was as strong as Kevin McCallister's urge to flee from the pigeon lady in Home Alone 2. If this girl was 22, I was 16.

But, for some reason, I decide to give her a chance. I mean, I ****ing drove halfway across the state of Texas to see her, so I might as well get to ****ing know her. Maybe she has a hot friend or something. Stranger things have happened.

She is very drunk, and I follow her to IHOP. Her dinged pickup truck swerves dangerously as I trail and I am thankful to whatever deity is watching over me (probably that ****er Satan, who is laughing with delight at this point) that the International House Of Porn Is More Enticing Right Now is just two blocks away.


IHOP THIS IS OVER SOON

We get there and as I exit my car, some drunken hotties in a pickup yell at me. "Woo! Look at that tight booty!" They are staring at my ass apparently as I lock my car. I give them a knowing smile as they pass by. Ha. Maybe I should get out more.

Anyway, we get inside and make chit chat. I try to hide my absolute, sheer horror of the situation and decide to get some crepes. I decide to text Leann and tell her what has happened.

"This is terrible. She's much larger than her photos."

I hit send and think nothing of it. 10 seconds later I realize the muscle memory my fingers have been employing all night whilst texting Jabba's denizen has...gone and done something rather rash. Yes, I sent the text to Pigeon Lady. I hear her phone beep.

Oh my ****ing god. This night could not be going any worse.

In an attempt to salvage a VERY embarrassing situation, I ask her to turn her phone off, because it's the polite thing to do, and she has been using it alot since we sat down, and I'd like to have a conversation etc etc etc. She obliges, not realizing the horrendous social gaffe I have just committed. I excuse myself to the bathroom to regroup and check for sure that I just sent her a text which she will surely read later and go ballistic over.

Yes, there's no going back now. The electrons have traveled through the air and the deed is done. It's just a matter of waiting now. This thing is about to COMPLETELY BLOW UP IN MY FACE.


YOU'RE ALL CLEAR KID NOW LET'S BLOW THIS THING AND GO HOME

I exit the bathroom, and as I sit down, the look on her face tells me she took my toilet visit as an opportunity to turn her phone back on and check her message. Politely, she excuses herself.

Oh my god, well, at least it's over, right? Write it off as a learning experience. At least you found a cool bar and you know your way around Houston a little more now. And you broke in those jeans and got a drive-by hitting on from some hot girls. That was fun.

Oh, but no, mother****er. It isn't over. There's always falling action after the climax.

So I trundle on down the road, not really defeated, but definitely disappointed and oddly bemused by the EPIC FAIL I have just witnessed/engineered/suffered. She texts me "**** YOU." Well, that's nice. I tell her she shouldn't lie, and that is that. And to think I could have been sitting here updating GIF'D UP.


HOLY ****ING SHIT

Obviously not being Magellan or even a bird with a map in it's head, I begin to realize I AM ****ING LOST again. The road I am on ends in a dead end, and I have to turn left, and SUDDENLY I'M INSIDE THE ****ING AIRPORT?!?! What's next? Are some Russians executing a 3 AM drug deal going to pop a red cap in my ass? Look, I like adventure and all, but after escaping through a window and pretending to be Knight Rider for an hour before entering Jabba's Palace and attempting to dine with a Gammorean guard, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Christ Almighty. Satan is still giggling himself silly.

SOMEHOW, I figure out how to get out of the airport. SOMEHOW, I get back on the right road, avoid any cops (I'm half-speeding) or drunken reeruns and make it home. I stop to procure some hot wings for tomorrow's game and ice cream, because when you have a shitty date, you really ****ing need some ice cream. But wait...we're not done yet.

I get home and unlock the front door. Everyone is asleep thankfully, ignorant to the fact that I was just out trying to stick my penis inside something despite not being married to it. I go to my room and...oh, I locked the door before I left. Uh, ****.

So, I have to go outside and climb in the window I climbed out of, like some reerunED PATHETIC TEENAGER. But at least I didn't step in dog crap.

THE END.

FAIL

PS - Right before I left, a really, REALLY hot girl with curly hair messaged me and wanted to chat. I guess, when one door closes (or rather, slams shut on your fingers and breaks them off), another one opens. But do I dare venture out into the night again? Do I dare risk the discovery of a curly-haired TOAD?

More importantly, despite how hot this new girl is, do I REALLY want to go downtown, and return to the scene of the crime where I totaled a car attempting to meet a chick at a club eight months ago?

Join us next time on JESUS ****ING CHRIST WHAT THE **** HOLY HELL **** THIS SHIT WHY DO I EVEN ****ING BOTHER?

Oh, by the way, I'm free for New Year's eve.






ROFL I really need to check in on this thread more often. :clap:

Discuss Thrower 01-06-2010 01:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6414059)
in texas u should have tons of women around you

yeah but I don't go out
i need a gay man to pimp me out

well u know gay men have the hottest lady friends

indeed

well buddy i have work first thing in the morning so i have to bounce but it was fun talking to you. hit me up if you ever bored. good luck with the ladies

thanks hot gay man


lol thanks hung gun in texas

Shit, that's more encouragement than I get from my friends, gay or straight.

TigerPig 01-06-2010 02:10 AM

587 pages?:doh!:

I'm by no means a Don Juan but I had a few cool girlfriends in my day. You can take my advice if you want, but I've had girl problems too.

Less is more, totally. More instinct, less thinking and planning. Don't talk a lot, or try real hard, just chill out. And listen instead of talk. Women will tell you EVERY single thing about them (more than you want to know, lol) within about 2 minutes of meeting them--with their eyes, hands, legs, clothes, tone of voice, etc. Just listen and only talk when you need to.

The more you want, the more you don't get. The more you don't care, the more they come after you.

Hammock Parties 01-08-2010 02:24 PM

What is it with girls and ****ing phones?

They always want to talk on the ****ing phone.

Bitch, you live 200 miles away. I'm coming to see you in February, not THIS WEEKEND. What the **** are we going to talk about? Car insurance? Do you want to bullshit with me? Bullshit with me online instead of wasting my minutes and creating awkward silences. Plus, I like to have both hands free so I can do other shit.

BITCHES AND PHONES! WHAT'S THE DEAL?

DJ's left nut 01-08-2010 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6424044)
What is it with girls and ****ing phones?

They always want to talk on the ****ing phone.

Bitch, you live 200 miles away. I'm coming to see you in February, not THIS WEEKEND. What the **** are we going to talk about? Car insurance? Do you want to bullshit with me? Bullshit with me online instead of wasting my minutes and creating awkward silences. Plus, I like to have both hands free so I can do other shit.

BITCHES AND PHONES! WHAT'S THE DEAL?

LOSERS AND COMPUTERS! WHAT'S THE DEAL?

Saulbadguy 01-08-2010 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6424044)
What is it with girls and ****ing phones?

They always want to talk on the ****ing phone.

Bitch, you live 200 miles away. I'm coming to see you in February, not THIS WEEKEND. What the **** are we going to talk about? Car insurance? Do you want to bullshit with me? Bullshit with me online instead of wasting my minutes and creating awkward silences. Plus, I like to have both hands free so I can do other shit.

BITCHES AND PHONES! WHAT'S THE DEAL?

Possibility for phone sex, dude. It sounds lame but could be worth it. Give it a whirl.

sedated 01-08-2010 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TigerPig (Post 6414114)
Don't talk a lot, or try real hard, just chill out. And listen instead of talk.

"Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub!"

"No they don't. I tried that once. I snubbed for a year. Nothing. Every woman I saw, I snubbed. You never saw people so pleased."

Hammock Parties 01-16-2010 05:48 PM

Poor girl.

Quote:

What if I were to disclose that I'm actually a fatty, and choose not to hide it? ;) I saw you wrote you used to be heavier, and I wanted to let you know that it's awesome you've been able to make that transformation. I used to be a personal trainer (knee injury has caused me to put on the pounds), but I appreciate someone who can change that...

Either way, I hope you're having a great weekend! Maybe I'll hear back from you soon?

Hammock Parties 01-18-2010 08:24 PM

So, some girl wants to take me to a strip club.

I'm sure hilarity will ensue.

Dave Lane 01-18-2010 11:05 PM

Tell her no need lets just go to your house. I might even tip if you put on a good show :)

Text that to her. dare ya.

Dave Lane 01-18-2010 11:06 PM

And if she says she won't then say god you're no fun...

Hammock Parties 01-18-2010 11:12 PM

No, I want to go to a strip club.

I'm sure it will just make her jealous, anyway.

luv 01-18-2010 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6459093)
No, I want to go to a strip club.

I'm sure it will just make her jealous, anyway.

The girl is wanting to take you to a strip club, and you think she'll be jealous? Of who, you or the girls?

Hammock Parties 01-18-2010 11:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luv (Post 6459118)
The girl is wanting to take you to a strip club, and you think she'll be jealous? Of who, you or the girls?

I'm still tired of your bullshit, luv.

CHENZ A! 01-18-2010 11:22 PM

LMAO @the ad on the bottom of the page

luv 01-18-2010 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6459120)
I'm still tired of your bullshit, luv.

I'm still tired of you thinking you're hot shit and have women figured out.

If she's going to be jealous, why the **** would she take you to a strip club?

Titty Meat 01-18-2010 11:32 PM

Luv when do we get to go on a date?

Dave Lane 01-18-2010 11:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luv (Post 6459139)
I'm still tired of you thinking you're hot shit and have women figured out.

If she's going to be jealous, why the **** would she take you to a strip club?

Tell Clayton you'd think it was cute / sexy if some guy texted you what I told him to text her. He needs help show him he's wrong :)

luv 01-18-2010 11:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dave Lane (Post 6459172)
Tell Clayton you'd think it was cute / sexy if some guy texted you what I told him to text her. He needs help show him he's wrong :)

Depends on what he's looking for. Sex? Yes. A date? Maybe a little over the top. I'm more subtle in my flirting though (which is how you can tell I'm not serious when I do it on here, as I'd never be that outgoing IRL).

Hammock Parties 01-18-2010 11:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luv (Post 6459139)
I'm still tired of you thinking you're hot shit and have women figured out.

If she's going to be jealous, why the **** would she take you to a strip club?

I'm not playing the bullshit game, luv.

I will neither confirm your opinion nor attempt to debate it.

It's bullshit.

Hog's Gone Fishin 01-19-2010 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luv (Post 6459139)
I'm still tired of you thinking you're hot shit and have women figured out.

If she's going to be jealous, why the **** would she take you to a strip club?





Because she wants him to get horny and **** her. There's no other reason ! DUUH!

Hog's Gone Fishin 01-19-2010 12:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by billay (Post 6459150)
Luv when do we get to go on a date?



You'll regret it ! Big Time !

luv 01-19-2010 12:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hog Farmer (Post 6459218)
[/B]



Because she wants him to get horny and **** her. There's no other reason ! DUUH!

So she'd need help?

BryanBusby 01-19-2010 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6459093)
No, I want to go to a strip club.

I'm sure it will just make her jealous, anyway.

You're reading too much into it mang. There are plenty of women that like going to a titty bar, too.

Dave Lane 01-19-2010 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luv (Post 6459179)
Depends on what he's looking for. Sex? Yes. A date? Maybe a little over the top. I'm more subtle in my flirting though (which is how you can tell I'm not serious when I do it on here, as I'd never be that outgoing IRL).

Your no fun :evil:

Well if you were asking a guy to go to a strip club on the first date you think thats not a fair response??? Please...

Hammock Parties 01-19-2010 12:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dave Lane (Post 6459227)
Your no fun :evil:

Well if you were asking a guy to go to a strip club on the first date you think thats not a fair response??? Please...

We're not really dating. I'm going out of town for three weeks next month and I ran into her online a few weeks ago and was like "hey, I'm visiting for three weeks in February," and she was like "sweet, let's hang out."

DaKCMan AP 01-19-2010 07:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6459269)
I ran into her online a few weeks ago

:spock:

Hammock Parties 02-03-2010 04:48 PM

Time for another date. This one wanted to meet close to where I live. :hump:

MOhillbilly 02-03-2010 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6502783)
Time for another date. This one wanted to meet close to where I live. :hump:

so it can case your house and kill your bitch ass.


fingers crossed.

Hammock Parties 02-03-2010 04:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MOhillbilly (Post 6502794)
so it can case your house and kill your bitch ass.


fingers crossed.

If a 5-foot, 21-year old girl murders me I didn't deserve to live.

JOhn 02-03-2010 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6502815)
If a 5-foot, 21-year old girl murders me I didn't deserve to live.

OK

Donger 02-03-2010 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6502815)
If a 5-foot, 21-year old girl murders me I didn't deserve to live.

What if she's 400 lbs?

Hammock Parties 02-03-2010 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donger (Post 6502841)
What if she's 400 lbs?

She's thin. I suppose she could have lied. In that case, my life could be in grave danger.

Donger 02-03-2010 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6502851)
She's thin.

Good, you'll have a fighting chance then.

May your erection be strong like steel and go where no man (crossing fingers) has gone before.

Hammock Parties 02-03-2010 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donger (Post 6502856)
Good, you'll have a fighting chance then.

May your erection be strong like steel and go where no man (crossing fingers) has gone before.

Apparently she's very aggressive.

I just turned on the hot tub.

Stewie 02-03-2010 05:22 PM

You'd think it takes the equivalent of a 40-hour work week for some people to get a whiff of some poon around here.

Donger 02-03-2010 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6502884)
Apparently she's very aggressive.

I just turned on the hot tub.

Bad idea. You really don't want that much heat near your penis. It will have a negative impact on your ability to achieve and sustain an erection.

bevischief 02-03-2010 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donger (Post 6502933)
Bad idea. You really don't want that much heat near your penis. It will have a negative impact on your ability to achieve and sustain an erection.

Too much info...:D

Hammock Parties 02-03-2010 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donger (Post 6502933)
Bad idea. You really don't want that much heat near your penis. It will have a negative impact on your ability to achieve and sustain an erection.

I'm not going to **** her IN the hot tub. What do you think I am, a virgin? :evil:

Dinner went well. I'm meeting her at a bar in 90 minutes.

I WILL walk out of there with a piece of ass.

Hammock Parties 02-03-2010 09:17 PM

Ah, nevermind. I'll walk out of there with a piece of ass tomorrow night.

Hammock Parties 02-13-2010 08:43 PM

I'm meeting a 26-year old rock-climbing Jew at a bar 5 minutes away. She said I "wouldn't be disappointed."

I have only seen one tiny pic of her. Hm. Adventure. LIVE DANGEROUSLY, FRIENDS!

Dallas Chief 02-13-2010 09:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoChiefs (Post 6530438)
I'm meeting a 26-year old rock-climbing Jew at a bar 5 minutes away. She said I "wouldn't be disappointed."

I have only seen one tiny pic of her. Hm. Adventure. LIVE DANGEROUSLY, FRIENDS!

What a schmendrick!
Posted via Mobile Device

Hammock Parties 02-15-2010 07:40 PM

LMAO.

Quote:

This thread is for single guys who had a horrible V-day. This story should help you out for next year.

GUYS.. try your best to be single on V-day. Here is how I spent my Valentines Day (how all single men should spend it IMO)

I woke up around 11 AM.. made some eggs, put on the TV and checked my text messages. I had about 9 consisting of "How have you been?" "What are you up to?" "Are you home?" etc... from girls I either ****ed, picked-up or had coffee with in the past month or so. Excellent! I decide to send a mass text to all 9 girls, asking them if they would like to meet up. I got 4 "yes" replies and 5 "maybe" ones. I ignored the maybe ones.

Next I jogged my memory to remember who was hottest out of the 4. Then I booked them to meet at my apartment in the order of hottness level (hottest last because she will likely spend the night). I had them come 2 hours apart.

Girl 1: 2PM

Girl 2: 4PM

Girl 3: 6PM

Girl 4: 8PM

YES.. girl one shows up dressed to kill. We flirt, catch up and ****. An hour and a half later I ask her to leave (with lots of resistance but it had to be done). Girl 2 doesn't show. Girl 3 shows... we flirt and make out but she wont go past that. I ask her to leave after 55 minutes. Girl 4 shows up... we flirt, snack, watch a movie.. than have amazing sex. She spends the night. THE END.

So whats the point of this story? Well... basically V-day is for SINGLE man and the Commited woman. Commited men spend their V-day blowing money and doing everything they can to please ONE woman in their life in hopes of getting action. I spent the day sitting on my ass waiting for hot horny girls to show up at my apartment to **** me like a KING.

Fellas, make sure you are single from Jan 2. to Feb. 14 EVERY YEAR. Spend that time getting numbers and meeting lots of women. Get ****ed like a king (more than once) on the 14th like you deserve.

Sex > Spending Money = Valentines Day

Hammock Parties 02-20-2010 09:57 PM

LOL, breakfast date with hot ass tomorrow. COUGAR TIME! She just got out of a 5-year relationship.

http://i50.tinypic.com/2weao93.jpg

http://i46.tinypic.com/2v8ffrl.jpg

Bowser 02-20-2010 10:00 PM

Very cute. How old is she? Mid to late 20's?


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