Seriously?

There's tons more to do in Orlando than there is in Champaign, Illinois.

Do they have a movie theater?

If so, then yep.

Yes, like sweat your balls off in the 80 percent humidity.

Make sure you leave instructions to notify us if this happens.

Write "Tell them I'm dead at ChiefsPlanet.com" with a Sharpie on the bottom of something your friends are sure to steal from your apartment.

Ouch. I'm sorry, bro.

You get used to it...

And it's worth it to have 75 degree temps in the middle of February.

I've been to Orlando six or seven times and always in July/August. I was sweating like Clay in a whorehouse the entire time.

Hootie, I enjoy your stories and your carefree persona, but even if you don't tell us about it, it's good to start thinking about some of these issues of health and long term happiness. I think you're smart enough to figure these things out so I have confidence it will work out in the end. You just don't want to wait until you actually have a health problem or a difficult lifestyle situation before you transition into the next stage of your life.

Meh, if a city/town has more than another city/town, it definitely has it's advantages/conveniences. Doesn't necessarily mean you're destined to have a better time there though. A lot depends on what you make of it. I grew up and live in a town of 1500. I've had some awesome times in my home time.

Every year I go to Chicago for Lollapalooza. Just got married in Las Vegas a month ago. Awesome experience and had fun while I was there...but would prefer living in my rinky-dinky home town...and it's not even close. To me, it's a "little dab will do ya" type of thing when it comes to raging in big cities compared to raging in small towns.

LMAO Well yeah, man. That's literally THE WORST TIME to be here. The hottest months of the year and right in the middle of hurricane/ rain season. A typical day here in July is going to be 95 degrees. It'll rain for about 45 minutes anywhere from 3-4 PM like clockwork. The rain goes away and the sun comes out - instant sauna.

It really is a peach from September to May though.

You more than get used to it. Anytime I travel somewhere else (recently Vegas, Colorado, & Minnesota) I can't take the dryness. As soon as I'm back in FL and the humidity hits I feel better.

Worst time to visit.

Younger women may want an older dude who has his shit together, not an old dude who acts like John Belushi.

I like you bro. Come party with me sometime.

Haha. I don't think that would be a good idea. I love being verbally obnoxious and talking about the most offensive tasteless shit in the world... but not in public. I get pretty irate about public idiocy.

In some cases. Younger women can be complicated people though. I know this 40 year old dude who is the epitome of a train-wreck. I mean, Hootie multiplied by 100. Hootie's partying tendencies are perceived as being way more extreme than they actually are, IMO...possibly because a large percentage of what you hear from the guy are the drunken sexcapades...but I know plenty of 28+ people who are more dependent on alcohol use than him.

Anyways, this 40 year old dude who shaves his head, has a beard (that he colors regularly) and just carries on like a drunken 16 year old every night he goes out (which is every night), is able to pull in tail from 18 years on up on a regular basis. And he's a complete loser, but real popular due to being a party dude. And on top of it, he snorts coke. He's STILL able to reel in popular, pretty, respectable girls.

Women are unpredictable and weird, man.

FYP

Cocaine is a hell of a drug, but you're right that there are exceptions. I don't know how "respectable" those 18 year old girls are who are sleeping with him, or if they maintain their respectability. It sounds like this guy you're describing comes across as a high roller, though... even if other adults can see through his bullshit... 18 year old chicks may not.

you'd have a good time

a lot of people I drink with absolutely hated me at first

and then they figured me out

I guarantee if I ever showed up at a CP bash or something...

people on this board (like Phil) who absolutely loathe me would end up thinking, "meh, he's not so bad."

Well, to clarify a bit, the "respectable" ones are ones who have probably heard about him doing it, but believe him when he tells them he doesn't.

Coke is the devil.

He's not really a high-roller...but moreso a product of being spoiled rotten by his parents. His parents still pay his rent/utilities/everything.

Before or after you raped them?

I would be the rapee not the raper

We're not a bunch of tables, Hootie.

the table called me a bundle of sticks

Oh....I should have figured that.

76. Dave Lane

Dave is the embodiment of "stuck in the 80s guy". He peaked back in the days when movie bad-guys rode dirt bikes and your t-shirts turned colors when they got hot or cold. It was a kick-ass time, and nobody kicked more ass than Dave. He bought the sweetest hot tub that Watson's had to offer, and he used to rail chicks in it with Mark Gubicza. ("With Mark" might be a bit of an overstatement, actually. I mean, it WAS Dave's wife that Gubie was dumping his nuts into while Mr. Lane cheered, but Dave didn't get to touch her until after Mark would leave. Still...Dave was sitting on the edge of the tub, and his feet were in the water, so that ****ing counts.)

Anyway, as the years went by, Dave kept doing the same things. Those things just became a little less cool with time. I mean, he was still watching Royals players with mullets turn his wife inside out in that very same hot tub, but the nineties didn't have that same magic about them. Sure, Jeff Montgomery had a mullet too...but it just wasn't the same. It's kind of hard to pinpoint what changed...Dave blames the AIDS epidemic. That does make a little sense, I guess. After all, when you have to fish used condoms out of the filter, you realize that the raw-dogging innocence of the eighties is gone forever. Still, Dave didn't exactly do himself any favors.

You see, Dave has a habit of pissing in the hot tub. No big deal. We've all done it. I'm not saying it's right, but everyone sort of accepts it. Dave's problem wasn't so much that he peed in the hot tub...it was the fact that he would do it when he wasn't even in the tub at the time, and that's just bad form. (I'm not going to have this conversation with you again, Dave. I understand that the same urine gets in the pool either way. It's still way grosser when you're arcing a boner-whiz into the tub from 15 feet away.)

So now, thirty years have passed. The party has ended, and his wife is gone, but Dave just can't let it go. He's still got the hot tub and the "Missouri Compromise" hair style, but now he has to settle for jacking it to old school porn...the kind on tapes you have to rewind when you're done. If you forget, and someone comes over and turns on the television, they immediately know what scene you finished to. In Dave's case, it's always either the scene shot from directly behind the dude's asshole or the one where they show the guy's face right as he busts.

I understand that accidents happen. The chick's titties are waggling back and forth...she's really into it...you're about to blow...and then...pow...they cut to the ol' back of the sack cam, and you can't shut it down in time. You know in your head that it doesn't make you queer, but you still just feel sad and uncomfortable the rest of the day...like people somehow know. Then, you just get pissed off at the movie because "who the **** decided that putting a camera there was a good idea? Nobody wants to see that shit". Well, people like Dave want to see that shit. And people like Dave pay for porn. So if you're looking for someone to blame, Dave's your guy.

Pros: Once saw Steve Gutterberg while eating at at the High Boy. Above-average break-dancer. Those lessons have really paid off.

Cons: Hates religion with a passion because, back when he was an altar boy, that really handsome priest touched everyone but him. (Dave...it's like your dad told you...it's not the sex he was after. It was the chase.) Has black lights in his room that make his bed spread look like it's covered in glow-in-the-dark maps of Hawaii.

Outlook for 2014: Slips into a deep depression after his VCR eats his only copy of Butt **** Sluts go Nuts volume IX.

Hahahhahaha.

My goodness you are a creative, imaginative dude.

Hilarious.

Quality.

Two thumbs up.

Now you've done it.


DL is going to submit an unflattering name for a star on your behalf and put big league chewing gum in the hair of a craigslist hooker for your insolence. He learned to sweep the leg with the Cobra Chi

So how much of these are rooted in truth and how much is just made up out of the blue? I don't know the posters enough to really know.

Most of them are about half true and half made up. This one is more like 80/20.

heh

all i really know about dave lane is that he really likes space and he really doesn't like christians

FU

Usually I just derive a mild bit of amusement out of busting your balls and you're right, I'm not in your fan club. But stories like the above are exactly how people die and land on Darwin's lists. We're glad you're a seemingly productive member of society and that you aren't a criminal. You're probably pretty good for your local economy as well.

But these stories aren't funny. They're sad. I'm not saying they're sad in order to be a judgmental prick about it. You said something about croaking in a previous post... that's not what I want. I think most of the last 50 posts or so have been out of concern for your well-being than busting your balls or judging you. Just for whatever it's worth. When is the last time you had a thorough physical?

There comes a point when most people realize that no one cares about anyones, "one time when I was drunk..." stories. It's like hearing about someone's fantasy football team, or their golf outing or their dream. hootie's not most people.

"So I had pocket Kings, and the flip comes out, Q, Q, 2..."

"one time, at band camp..."

Did I ever tell you about the year that Alex Smith won me a fantasy championship?

9k

Joey & Rick are two of a kind.



And idiots @ that.

So this one time I feel asleep drunk while playing fantasy football and had a dream about being out on a golf outing...

Richard could post videos of every story he has told here and still not top Joey's video of carving "ChiefsPlanet.com" into his leg with a nail.

:eek: He really did that? I thought that's just what he said he would do if the mods let him come back.

1/2" steel?
Posted via Mobile Device

That story he told reminded me of my brother (who is a self destructive addict who has more than used up his nine lives). We were on vacation in Florida and we locked the keys to the house in the third story of this tower guest house on the property. My drunken brother scales the thing, using a shitty wooden trellis and hanging nearly head first at one point while 30 feet up from a flimsy ass piece of railing, dangling over concrete. If the shitty railing went, he was going head first from 30 feet up onto a hard surface. I remember thinking "this is how people die and vacations get ruined" as he was doing it. Luckily he survived. And we found the key.

Link to the royals stories?
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Oh yeah. With a toddler running around in the background of the video.

Oh he did it alright, complete with youtube video and everything.

That part wasn't all true. (It was actually Mitch Williams and Rob Dibble.)

I think I still have that nail vid somewhere

Are the roasts still worth doing, or has the concept (or material) gotten stale? I can't even tell anymore.

They're still funny to me.

I thought it was funny. Just do it if the mood strikes you.

I laugh at most. Keep them up
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I bet he has some stories where there was a finger up his butt. That kind of counts.

I would think it'd be easier to do 100 roasts of 1 person, than 1 roast of 100 different people, for this very reason. I also think 100 was far too ambitious (and unless you wrote a list ahead of time, a PITA).
You're doing great, but after a while you'll be dressing up the same joke with a few changed details.

I once decided to throw a keg shell through drywall at our party house. Several times.

I also have a video of a dude who passed out drunk in our front yard. Some guys pissed on him, and another guy threw a folded up metal chair on his near corpse over and over again.

:facepalm:

In fairness, the car wasn't really a classic 30+ years ago. It was just an old car.

They are still funny. You are doing a pretty good job at righting the ship for 10K.

you could try razor sharp one liners per poster...

And it wouldn't have been scratched had he weighed less.

I keed.

Yeah, it was nasty. White with blue trim, straight line 6 cylinder engine and 3 on the tree shifter. There was never a time it would have been cool.

It's vile, hulking remains are still parked in a field near my buddy's house. The scratches I put on all those years ago are now rusty gouges. :D

ROFL

two door?
Posted via Mobile Device

If Clay can successfully attend a Bash, you could.

Then tell him I said "**** off". If he asks who Saul good is, point him this way. I'll roast him with several mediocre gay jokes while calling you fat.

...Also It occurs to me that I forgot that part of the last roast. Shit. I'll call you fat twice next time or something.

Absolute worst time to visit.

I thought Rico was going to bust another roast out yesterday. I've got almost an hour to kill before I hit the hay and I was hoping to have time to read half of one of his roasts. C'mon Rico, entertain me.

Yeah, but every time I visited I didn't get to choose when. It was either business travel or weddings.

Dude, come on man. Thats not cool. Doesn't matter if you are only harming yourself.

I've admitted to many a crazy drunken nights. But, I stopped that shit at 26, long after most of my friends had quit. There is just a lot more to life that you are missing. You seem to be a smart guy, just embrace the next part of your life.

Tell the story about the bag of dog poop, Matrix.

He avoids this one like the plague.

That's because he matured and is embarrassed. Give it another 15 years and you'll get there too.

...or heart worms.

I hope so Phil. Then perhaps we could be friends.

I'll sooner impale myself on a broken coffeytable leg.

I'll bet a crisp one dollar bill he never makes it to that point of maturity.

Oh and ROFL at coffeytable

life is too short for grudges pal