I'm Awesome. But that's less a brag and more a statement of fact.

Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT!

That's fairly easy to do when your only option is abstinence, no?

This is the perfect thread for you, Barney.

I have other options. Unfortunately they mostly involve fat women and black women, or fat black women.

I once constructed a castle made solely of mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans. It had a moat and a working drawbridge.

FAX

Yeah, but can you be scary?

At least until the dreaded Potato Eaters of the Rath invaded the land and ate through their starch defenses.

Kind of a "Close Encounters" thing, eh?

I was named MVP for the month of June at work. Got a $100 bonus for it and the big wigs in the building know my name.

Should bastards such as those attempt an unseemly attack on my tater palace, I would pour hot gravy on their heads until the ne'er-do-wells took refuge in the biscuit where ... AHA!! ... I would have them captured for all eternity in sticky jelly.

FAX

Well don't forget what Chris Rock says about fat women "push that got over to the side and there's some good pussy under there!" Try it and report back.

I've been eating lots of fiber and saving toilet paper in the process. I'm feeling very blessed. A clean poo is a beautiful thing.

Beware the giant biscuit eating lizard. That's all I have to say about that.

I ran a 50 mile ultramarathon in 10 hours 55 minutes on July 3rd. I am pretty proud that.