Excellent and to the point...

Stay out of it. Seriously. There is something inherently wrong with their relationship to begin with. It will work itself out eventually, sooner or later. It's best for you not to be in the middle of it.

It sounds like you need to just have his girlfriend over for a 3 way.

I do.

xoxo!

Fraz has always been jealous that I got to confront a real intruder, and all he got was a refrigerator.

LMAO

Good advice FAX.

I'll echo all the people who are advising you to stay out of it, and throw in this wrinkle: I didn't read your other thread, but in this one you said that you and others have heard about his cheating through the grapevine. You need to consider the possibility that you don't know the full story. Maybe the grapevine is wrong, or maybe he was cheating on her at one time but has since ended it (maybe they are in marriage counseling right now and don't want the world to know it), or maybe there are other circumstances involved in their marriage that you aren't privy to. Unless you walked in on him boning someone else, or he told you that he did, you don't really KNOW.

You aren't hiding info from your female friend, you are refusing to meddle in their marriage by passing along gossip about her husband's activities.

And from what I've read in this thread neither the husband nor the wife are among your closest lifelong friends ... neither are so close to you that you consider them akin to family. So IMHO you don't have any "obligation" to serve as an antenna for either of them.

Damn dude, shit or get off the pot already.

As everyone has already said in this thread and the previous one, you should probably stay out of it unless you are prepared for the potential consequences that could come out of it. It's unlikely the girl is going to thank you, and there's a good chance she already knows or has an idea.

Not sure if I mentioned it in the previous thread, but I encountered a similar situation a couple years ago. I saw the boyfriend of my fiancee's best friend getting down with a girl at a party during alumni week at our college (grinding, kissing, etc). We were partying at my old fraternity house, and he "myseriously" disappeared for a few hours and this girl was also nowhere to be found. About 3 AM he strolled back in the house acting like nothing happened. He's one of those guys that lies about everything anyways so I didn't even bother trying to question him, just gave him kind of an "i know" look.

Anyways, my fiancee and the dude's GF were out partying with the girls that night and they came by the house to pick us both up at around 4 AM. That night I told my fiancee about what happened, and after a long discussion she decided that she should tell her friend. Well, the girl did not take it well at all, and basically told my fiancee to mind her own business. My girl backed off, and today her friend and the loser BF are married and seem to be doing okay.

The point is that you need to understand that different people will take this type of news in different ways, and some will react negatively if they are insecure and lack self esteem. Give careful consideration to whether giving your friend this info is worth potentially losing a friendship.

I don't understand the "stay out" arguments. Why? Just because it's the path of least resistance?

I would be so incredibly angry with any so-called friend who was covering for my cheating spouse. You're just as bad as they are, because you're complicit in the deception. You are participating in it and helping make the day of reckoning that much more painful down the road.

At the very least someone doing that would get 5 across the eyes the next time I saw him.

Is she in danger of contracting a disease from this douche? Is she REALLY your friend? That should answer your question.

I would pull him aside and let him know that people are suspecting something is up and are talking. I would let him know that if he's not careful someone is going to spill the beans. Then I would back out. Something similar happened to me. My first wife cheated on me. I saw all the signs and chose to not believe it. When I confronted my friends, there advise was to pay attention to the signs. When I confronted her, she admitted the truth.

From looking at the other side of it......yes you would want someone to tell you.

But the position that YOU ARE IN NOW, its best to stay out of it. Act like you don't know anything about it.

I would stay out of it. I base my suggestion on experience. My best friend from school days and beyond was cheating on his wife who also happened to be friends with the Mrs. and I. I tried to talk sense to him, tried to convince him that he had a family (2 kids) he was responsible for, blah, blah. Said some things about who he was stepping out with that I regret now, but I felt strongly I was trying to save their marriage. I was naive. Basically, it ruined our friendship. Things aren't just the same and it has been years since we have gotten together.

dishonesty is always the best policy.

I still want my question answered.....that way I can make an informed decision.

Even if it were true, you're not going to get that response.

yeah, that's prob true, but whatever is motivating him makes a big difference...imo

What do you suspicion is the primary motivation?

D just got engaged not too long ago. If he's trying to hook up with the wife, then he'd be a major hypocrite.

Well, apparently he is engaged....so apparently that rules that out...apparently.

Soooo.....heretofore, my answer would then be.... talk to your f-in friend, dude and ask him why he's cheating.

If you have to confront him about it, do it suttely. Have a guys day out. Golfing or something. Something where there are good looking gals and beer around. A setting that will allow some good old "man talk" like "check that gal out. Damn... she's fine. I'd like to jump her... how about you?" Let it lead into some other gals from you two guys past. And when you get to the particular gal in question, say "Oh man... how about ______? I would love to jump her."

You will probably know from his response weather to pursue the matter, or move on to another gal. And have another gal in mind in case you need to advance the conversation quickly.

And who knows, maybe even a week or two later, he may confide in you about the situation. But be patient... and let him bring the situation to the forefront after you have led him there. Play stupid if he goes there... whenever that may be.

And if he never goes there... follow the other peoples advise and do not confront him/or her with the news.

Why can't he ask just straight out? "dude, why the hell are you ****ing another chick?"

Why do you want to rob all these women? That just doesn't seem right...

Any friendship that doesn't have honesty as the foundation really isn't much of a friendship in my book. Some folks like having a large quantity of friends; myself, I prefer quality.

Or you could do this! :shrug:

Personally I would stay out of it.

It really has nothing to do with honesty though. People are insecure about different things.

Also, where do you draw the line on giving your opinion or butting into things? Would you tell a friend his car is ugly, his job is crap, or he's a bad parent? Most of those topics are subjective and people will react in different ways.

One person may be extremely grateful for a friend to tell them that they think their spouse is cheating, while another may be pissed and tell them to mind their own business. Neither reaction is necessarily wrong or dishonest.

That would be my approach, Ms. Jilly. Although the question is somewhat rhetorical, at least the basic idea is consistent with how I would confront him.

As I said earlier, however, I wouldn't do it, though. I'd let the bastard hang himself because he'll be caught out sooner or later and the only thing that Mr. Direckshun would accomplish is walking headlong into a sh*tstorm and those are bad especially when it's cold because freezing sh*t falling hundreds of miles from the sky can sting like a mother if it catches you in the right spot.

One idea I had was to write an unsigned letter to the girl detailing the bastard's infidelities. That keeps Mr. Direckshun out of the hot seat and solves the problem. Kind of like an anonymous donation to a good cause.

FAX

Yeah, but I kinda think....better to have the conversation with him. Maybe this is an unhealthy behavior pattern and he needs a friend to help him decide where his commitment is. Maybe he's stuck in his marriage and needs someone to get him to the place of....either committing to making it work or getting a divorce and a friend should be who does this. Or maybe he just screws around on whoever and always has....and a friend should be the one to hold him accountable to his actions. I think a good friend, while they disagree with what you are doing, will still be able to lead someone to be a better person by simply being a friend, rather then causing drama behind his supposed "friend" 's back.

You should probably just ignore it, until he drinks too much Zima at your next "Connect 4" couples tournament and tries to give your girlfriend the fonze.


Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.

As I said in your other thread if he is a close friend talk to him and let him know people know and his woman is going to find out eventually and it won't end well. Or stay out of it just don't go run to the girl that is just being a rat.

Someone earlier made a good point...

Is it confirmed that he's a cheating bastard or just a really good rumor that everyone believes to be true. Confirm that before you consider doing anything.

If this is a situation that involves 'casual friends', meaning they're not so close to you that you consider them family... stay out of it.

If this is a situation that involves a friend that is like a brother to you, tread lightly... as mentioned, you don't know what is going on behind closed doors. And, despite your good intentions... it could blow up in your face. Be prepared.

But, most importantly... make up your mind and either say something or just sit on it and deal with it.

Just ask him how long he thinks it will be a "secret" since so many know already. Who knows the wheels might actually align so that the lightbulb is illumiated.

Stay out of it. and to answer your question, I would not want to find out ever. I especially would not want to find out from anyone other than my wife. Nothing good can come from blowing this thing up.

Talk to him. Trust me, something is going on with him internally if he is acting out with sexual and/or risky behavior. Maybe you can help. Maybe not. Just how I would approach it, so take it with a grain of salt, as they say. Good luck.

Sometimes the path of least resistance is the easiest thing to do because it's also the right thing to do o:-)

But I don't think that applies here. For me it boils down to this: you would be interjecting yourself into the most important aspects of these people's lives, when your interest is only tangential at best. Who the hell are you to do that? Just because you think the husband is wrong (and he is) doesn't give you the right to play God with their lives. Doing what you think is "right" isn't always necessarily the "right" thing to do.

As for being complicit in his cheating by not blabbing, that is ridiculous. There's a massive swath of gray area between not passing on an unsubstantiated rumor and actively lying to the wife to cover for him.

ROFLROFLROFL

My apologies if this has been mentioned already, but have you thought about sending an anonymous letter to the woman? You seem to want to tell the woman while avoiding unpleasant results for yourself and your fiancee. That might be the solution. It's not the heroic way to go about it, but it is an option.

Personal advice my butt.

You will do what you want to do anyway in the end.

As someone who was cheated on..... I WISH my friends that knew had had the balls to tell me. The one person who did come forward and tell me, was an employee of mine who felt he owed it to me as he had that happen to him.

fwiw