Atop a large hill, Jesus was bound to the wooden cross, surround by a dozen guards. Nails punctured his hands and feet. His crucifixion had begun.

Peter stood at the bottom of the hill and wept openly.

Hearing Peter's sobbing, Jesus open his eyes and looked around for a moment, then called out to Peter. "Peter, my son, come here, I want you."

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Peter ran up the hill toward Jesus. Upon seeing this, the dozen guards ran down the hill, meeting Peter half way and gave him quite a beating before tossing him back down the hill. The guards laughed loudly and resumed their watch under the cross.

Again Jesus cried out, "Peter, my son, come here, I want you."

Peter picked himself up, dusted himself off and began the climb back up the hill again. The guards, having a wicked sense of humor, let Peter get almost all the way to the cross before they fell upon him, this time beating Peter within an inch of his life and kicking him back down the hill.

Peter lay at the bottom of the hill, his clothes torn, blood pouring from his nose and mouth and suffering a bad concussion.

Once again, Jesus cried out, "Peter, my son, come here, I want you."

Weak kneed and unable to stand, Peter began to crawl up the hill, one inch at a time. The guards were so amused with this that laughter got the best of them and they let Peter crawl by.

With his last ounce of strength, Peter grabbed hold of the cross and pulled himself to his feet, then looked upward at Jesus.

"Yes my Lord and Savior," Peter said, "I am here. What is it you need? Command me"

Jesus looked down and said, "Peter ... I can see your house from up here."

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?



Because she was a woman.

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Why don't women wear watches?


There's a clock above the stove


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Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?


If you drag them by the ankles they fill up with dirt.


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What do 10,000 battered women have in common?




They just wouldn't listen.

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Why did god invent yeast infections?


So women would know what its like to live with an irritating c*nt.

ROFL ROFL ROFL

This girl in Arkansas goes to her Daddy and asks to borrow the car that evening; her father looks at her and says "you know what you have to do if you want to use the car".
"But Daddy do I really have to give you another blow job?" asked the daughter.
"If you want to use the car you do." Replied the redneck father.

So the girl falls to her knees and starts sucking off her father; after a minute she stops and looks up at him and says;
"Damn Daddy your dick sure tastes like shit tonight!"

With that her father slaps himself on the forehead and replies;
"Oh hell I forgot, your brother already borrowed the car!

Anyone else with another variation of X sticks dick in Y's orifice, then later Z tastes evidence of said interaction whilst blowing X?

I'd like to be encyclopedic on this particular bit. :p

I have one.

Q: How does a Mother from (insert city here) know that her daughter is on the rag?

A: Her son's dick tastes funny.

how do you starve a black man to death?


Put his food stamps under his work boots. :p

Why didn't the Mexican lady want to marry the black guy?


She didn't want to have kids that would grow up being too lazy to steal.


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What did the Mexican kid get for Christmas?


My bike.

bump so I can find it faster

Jesus appeared on Earth and, naturally, a large crowd found him. When he felt the crowd had grown large enough to begin converting new followers, Jesus said that he would do three miracles. First, he ended world hunger with one loaf of bred and a trout. Second, he brought a pile of small dead children back to life. For his third miracle, Jesus was asked to walk on water.

Jesus took his crowd, much larger now, to a lake. Taking his first steps onto the lake, he fell to his ankles and the first row of people could hear him mutter.

He walked back to land and tried again. Going a bit further, Jesus dropped down to his knees. The crowd began to mutter, but he called them to be silent and said he would try one more time.

On this third try, Jesus walked from the land to a few feet further than the previous two times, but fell down to his waist.

As everyone began to mummer and question his greatness, Jesus turned and shouted, "I'D LIKE TO SEE ALL OF YOU TRY THIS WITH HOLES IN YOUR FEET!"

why do priests sleep w/9 year old girls?





they can roll them over and sleep w/9 year old boys...

da dum dum

Why do women have smaller feet then men?



It's a genetic thing, allows them to stand close to the sink and stove.

Abortion stops a beating heart...






but it's a really small one

I don't think that qualifies as a joke.

well... maybe not, but it's really offensive.