Music to my ears. :)

Eat some vegetables you sloppy ****.

Since I went vegan, every shit I take is a glorious experience.

Big as the great outdoors and smells like a freshly made biscuit.

And just whips right through even though it's the size of a large ferret.

I use to name all my really monumental shits, and remember most as they were few and far between, names like Hank and Mortimer and Clarence stand out, but since going vegan, I've had to carry around this:

http://www.strangehistory.net/blog/w.../07/names1.jpg

Get a bottle of this immediately.

You'll clear out your entire colon within an hour, probably sooner.

http://c1.soap.com/images/products/p/by/by-096_1z.jpg

Sage advice from someone named Saccopoo.

That sounds scary. I've been taking hydrocodone for a couple weeks. Had surgery on my wrist about a month ago. Please don't freak me out.

That is why you aren't shitting.

He's totally serious.

Intestinal tissue rot from blockage can really **** somebody up bad. Like gut surgery and a subsequent colostomy bag for life type of ****ed up.

How'd you like to take a chick home and tell her to wait while you unhook your shit bag before you get sexytime with her?

Ain't pretty.

Stop eating fast food and drinking soda. Eat whole grains, veggies. Try to cut out most dairy products. Don't drink any "energy" drinks. And you should be drinking at least six to eight glasses of water a day.

I mean, ****.

Why are people so ****ing stupid that they can't even take care of themselves?

Give me my oxygen back.

A few years ago I injured my lower back, and took hydrocodone for 2 weeks. When the doctor took an x-ray a few days after the injury, you could see the poop backed up in my system. He said it was because of the hydrocodone, and told me to get some Milk of Magnesia to clear out my bowels. It worked like a charm.

Walmart is open. Go get that Milk of Magnesia now.

Constipation killed Elvis. You don't want to die like Elvis, do you?

drink cheap beer, really cheap beer
will clean you right out

If you're not on any medicine, just drink water and try a mild laxative.

Eat a salad of spinach, tomatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, kidney beans, purple cabbage, and some sunflower seeds, and shredded carrots. Use a balsamic vinegarette. Eat it once a day. You will shit like a goose twice a day