When I was younger I could always tell when I wasn't getting a ticket by how loud the officer was. When they were quiet and polite I was screwed.

About 6 months ago, there was this cop who kept following my wife home from work...which was 20 miles away. He'd tail her all the way home. It would happen literally every time she went to work for like a 4 week span. Used to piss me off because according to the license plate number, it was the same cop every single time. I was starting to get the impression that he was creeping on her. My wife is hot.

One night he did it for like...the 3rd time in a week. 20 freaking miles. She called me on the way home and I was waiting for her with a cut-off t-shirt (I was planning on lifting weights at our 24 hour facility when she got home) and my arms crossed, with a stern expression on my face. I was pissed. I stared the dude down the entire time he slowly crept by our house.

So a few minutes pass when I decided to drive to the workout facility in town. Instead of hopping in the car I usually drive, I hopped in my wife's car. I did this on purpose to see if I would get tailed or followed by this cop if he was still in town. He was still in town and when he saw me, he followed me all the way to the workout facility. This was late at night. When he followed me into the parking lot of this 24 hour facility, I was livid. I hopped out of my car immediately and approached the guy, who kind of seemed taken aback and timid...not a real assertive dude. I maintained a safe distance from him, but wanted to let it be known that I was not happy. I looked at him and my first comment was, "I'm just going to assume that you are real upset that I am not my wife right now." I followed this with, "do you mind telling me why you've been following her home from work every night? It's becoming pretty stressful for her and DON'T EVEN try telling me you haven't been doing it. We have tracked your ID number through your license plate." The guy was stand-offish and was like, "uhh sir, I don't know what you are referring to. I'm just wanting to know what you are doing at this facility so late." I replied, "this is a 24 hour workout facility and I have a membership. Wanna see?" I plugged in my password and opened the door to the facility. Then I said, "and you DO know what I'm talking about...I already indicated to you that we know that it's been you the entire time." This cop responded with, "well, I don't believe there is any merit to that claim." I responded, "you bet your ass there is. And for your information, my wife's best friend is the county sheriff...your boss. If you don't leave us the hell alone, I will feel compelled to reporting to him that you have been harassing her. His own daughter has been in the car with her while you've done this, so he WILL see the merit in our story. You going to piss off and leave her alone?" The guy responded with something along the lines of, "Sir, I'd prefer it if you spoke to me on a professional level. Have a good workout and go on with your night." As I began walking into the facility, I said to him, "don't advise me to speak to you on a professional level when you don't act the part...as you obviously should."

Haven't seen or heard from him since, but I would be a blithering liar if I were to say that in the back of my mind, I'm not creeped out or wonder if he still feels the need to stalk my wife.

A cop once asked me if I had any marijuana in the car. I advised him that if I was smoking it, it was staying at home. Needless to say, he did not search the car and discover the half ounce.

I was a passenger in a car going 111 on a 70 mph highway and got pulled over. Deputy Bubba had us pulled over and out of the car and was questioning us. He asked ME why we were speeding. I looked down the road and said "That hill probably sped us up quite a bit". (Powder River County is flat as Kansas) He pushed me against the car with one hand and put his pencil an inch from my eyeball and said "I bury smart mother****ers like you every day!"

Eventually, we got hauled to town and I paid the local insurance guy to get six months insurance on my buddies car and paid the ticket. Deputy Bubba then drove us back to the car and followed us to the next county. (Yes, my buddy paid me back for the insurance and ticket)

"is that badge real?"

Getting finger printed in the Osage County, KS jail and my wasted buddy says out loud "I hope they don't find the pound of weed under the spare tire." When we were released that Monday, they pulled his moms minivan around and the only thing bolted down was the drivers seat, everything else was piled in the back, the carpet, headliner, it was completely torn apart. Idiot.

Osage Co? Holy ****, what did you? I have no doubt they tore that vehicle to shreds.

We were country cruising, I had fallen asleep and this dumbass pulls over to take a piss on the side of the road. Cop wakes me up and sees the most minute amount of weed and took us in. My buddy made the "pound of weed" comment in jest because it was laughable that we were being booked for half a joint. His mom was sooooo pissed, lol.

The messed up thing was I had a broken leg and was on crutches and had to spend the night in the Osage County jail.

"I'll blow but it's going to be over the limit. You'd have to be a douchebag to arrest me."

Cop asked me to step outside to answer some questions about someone else. I oozed jager.

Isn't that a form of bribery?:p

Confucius says it's better to suck dick outside of jail rather than in it.

I've told this story a few times here but I got pulled over for speeding.
I knew the cop that got me from some law enforcement conferences, etc.
he walks his chubby ass up, recognized me and was fairly pleasant. He did my license check, walked back up to me and asked the question.
"You know why I pulled you over?"
I couldn't help it...
"Yeah, because I'm black!"

He laughed pretty hard and let me go.

Is that a HAARP machine in your pocket or u just glad to see me

Told a state trooper to mind his own ****ing business this is a local matter and I am talking to the local authorities and that he could **** right on off because he was not needed or wanted there.

Was riding in a friend's van in the early 2000s with a few other people (all guys) one night that had some blankets and kids toys in it. Get pulled over and cop and his partner say they saw smoke coming out of the vehicle and could smell weed. The driver was smoking a cigarette only, nobody was smoking weed or even had any on them.

They tell all 6 of us to get out of the van and search the van for the non-existant weed and find some of the kids toys (Some type of rattle for my friend's baby) and one of the cops says "This looks like a butt plug or something. Are you guys pillowbiters?" And the 2 cops chuckle. (The filter changed the word to pillowbiter, but he used the word that rhymes with bags.)

I respond by saying "It's his kid's toy. What kind of ****ed up shit are you doing around kids?"