ChiefsPlanet - Funny Stuff Emails From an A**hole...

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Emails From an A**hole... (https://chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=263581)

LMAO

Quote:

Fat Bitch Won't Ride the Bus
Posted at: 2009-06-15 17:08:40
Original ad:
im looking for ride from the philadelphia area to pittsburgh next friday. i will split the cost of gas with you. I am female, and would prefer to ride with another female or young(21-ish) person.
From Mike Anderson to ************@*********.org

Hey! I am going to Pittsburgh and can give you a ride. Can you meet me at 30th St. Station 11 AM on Friday? By the way, I'm 21, so you don't have to worry about riding with some old creeper.
Mike

From Melanie ******** to Me
hey mike! that sounds good. how much do you want for gas? let me get your number so we can work out the details

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Melanie,

I was thinking around $70 should cover it. Unfortunately I do not have a cell phone because I accidentally forgot to take my pants off when I was taking a bath last night and forgot my cell phone was in the pocket. It won't turn on! Could you just stand outside of the west entrance with a sign that says "I'm Melanie" ? I'll look for you.

Mike

From Melanie ******** to Me
wow i wasnt expecting to pay $70! why so much? i was thinking more around 30-35 bucks! also im not standing out there with a sign lol.

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Melanie, I'm sorry but the price is not negotiable. Unfortunately the cheapest bus ticket is $70. Do you want to just meet me on the bus if you don't want to stand out there with a sign?

From Melanie ******** to Me
what?! i didnt want to ride a bus! i thought you were driving a car to pittsburgh. wtf dude

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Well shit Melanie, I didn't think you would be so picky about what kind of vehicle you wanted to ride in. If price is an issue, I can sneak you on the bus. I've done it before with my son. I have a duffel bag that is pretty big, and you can just hide inside it and not move and they will load you under the bus. I'll make sure that they put you on top of all the other luggage so you aren't crushed. You can have my video ipod to stay entertained during the bus ride. It has the first season of Deadwood on it. You aren't fat, are you? I don't want the bag to rip from underneath when they lift it up.

Mike

From Melanie ******** to Me
are you ****ing with me? this has to be a joke. there is no ****ing way im doing that

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Oh, you aren't a Deadwood fan? I think I have the Ben Affleck hit "Gigli" on my iPod if you wanted to watch that instead.

From Melanie ******** to Me
NO! IM NOT SNEAKING ON TO THE ****ING BUS IN A GODDAMN SUITCASE

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Okay, I didn't realize you were so sensitive about your weight. If you can't fit in the duffel bag that's fine. I just went and ordered you the bus ticket. It is pretty much first-come first-serve for seating on the bus. You can sit next to me if you want, but I want the window seat. I also have to get up a lot to pee so you will have to get up so I can squeeze out.

From Melanie ******** to Me
IM NOT RIDING THE BUS! I'LL FIND ANOTHER RIDE

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Well you owe me $70 for the ticket! I can't return it!

From Melanie ******** to Me
I NEVER SAID TO BUY IT! THAT IS YOUR FAULT DUDE GOODBYE

anyone besides me gonna make a fake email account to **** with people?

OMG this is effing hilarious!

If you look at the ads on the side of the page, I guess there's a book you can buy that has tons more of these.

almost thinking about buying it LMAO

I'm at work and can't help busting a gut. This is the funniest stuff I've read in awhile.

Jfc I can't stop laughing. My abs hurt

LMAO

Quote:

Wood Chipper Rental
Posted at: 2009-12-23 11:41:39
Original ad:
670cc commercial wood chipper/shredder for sale. Little bit of rust but works great. Contact Joe - ***********@gmail.com
$4000 OBO
From Me to ***********@gmail.com:

Hi Joe,

Is the wood chipper still for sale?

Thanks,

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

Yes, I still have the wood chipper.

From Me to Joe ******:

I don't have $4000, but what I do have is $200 and a need for use of a wood chipper for about half an hour. Would I be able to rent it from you for $200?

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

I don't see why not. What are you using it for?

From Me to Joe ******:

Don't worry about that. So would I be able to swing by and pick it up in my truck, then bring it back about an hour later? I can leave my driver's license as collateral.

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

First you need to tell me what the chipper is being used for or you can find someone else.

From Me to Joe ******:

Okay, I'll try to explain my situation. My cat just had a litter of kittens, and I can't get rid of them. I tried giving them to my friends and putting ads online, but nobody wants them. I even tried releasing them into the wild but they keep coming back to my house. I can't stand these little ****ers pissing everywhere and clawing up my furniture. So I figure my next option is to put them down. I can't afford to have it done professionally, so I think a wood chipper would be the next most humane way. I looked up your model and saw it has a 6 inch input, which I think will be perfect for me.

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

.......................................wow. No.

From Me to Joe ******:

Why not? It is an easy $200 for you. Can't you just pretend I took it to mulch some wood?

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

No. You are a sick sick sick sick sick person.

From Me to Joe ******:

I'll give you $250 and throw in a free kitten (not mulched, of course). Plus, I thought about my plan some more, and I decided to put meow mix all around the input, and just leave the kittens near it. That way, if they get shredded, it is their own damn fault, and my hands are clean.

Mike

Prolly fake, but funny nonetheless.

This guy's blog is pure gold.

A great laugh to break up the workday.

Check out some of his others if you haven't.

not just funny stories.....great ads.
yes....I would.

http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com...86687093782133

this guys is still around? I remember seeing these a few years ago. Pretty amusing.

This one is awesome

Quote:

Angry TV Buyer
Posted at: 2010-09-12 10:44:50
Original ad:
i want a flatscreen tv. at least 40 inches and under $500. hit me up if you got what i want
From Me to ***********@**********.org:

Hey,

I am selling my 42" Westinghouse plasma TV for $400. It is in excellent condition. I'm just selling it because I got a bigger one and don't need this one anymore. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

yeah man thats perfect. ill buy that as soon as possible. would you be able to bring it to my house? i dont have a car. im home pretty much all day every day

you can call me if you want 610-***-****

From me to jim ******:

No problem, Jim. I could bring it by tomorrow after work. Are you sure you want to buy it though? I don't want to bring it there and have you decide you don't want to buy it.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

no i definitely want it. just bring it over man

my address is 415 ********* rd, ******, PA
just call me if you have any trouble

From me to jim ******:

Okay, I'll be over tomorrow.

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

I'm very sorry I was unable to make it to your house today. I had the TV loaded in the back of my pickup truck, and I was all set to go to your house. I just decided to make a quick stop in Chester to buy some stuff from a friend, and when I got back to my truck, the TV was gone. I can't figure out what the hell happened to it. I'm thinking maybe I hit a bump and it slid out of the truck, because I do forget to close my tailgate sometimes. I don't really remember if it was in the truck when I parked it, so I am baffled.

Anyway, this is totally my fault. Seeing as how I promised you a TV and lost it, I am going to help you out. I signed you up for a 2 year subscription to Plasma TV Enthusiasts Weekly. It is an excellent magazine that will give you a lot of information on plasma TVs to help you make the right decision when buying one. It is normally $84.99 a year, but I hooked you up with my referrer discount so it will only cost you $63.50 a year. I had it sent and billed to the address you gave me, and you should get your first one in a week or two.

Once again, I am very sorry that I lost the TV that I was going to sell you, but hopefully this magazine can help you out.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

are you out of your ****in mind i dont want any ****in magazines!!! what the ****.. you better ****in cancel that shit. what the **** were you thinking dude, im not paying for that you ****in dumbass

From jim ****** to Me:

and its obvious YOUR TV WAS STOLEN YOU ****IN reerun. why the **** would you leave a tv in the back of your truck in chester?

cancel the ****in magazines..NOW.

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

Why do you want me to cancel the magazines? It is a great magazine and I got you a great deal for it. You won't find it cheaper anywhere else. Also, to put it frankly, if you were going to buy a Westinghouse plasma TV from me without even looking at it, then it is clear you still have a lot to learn about plasma TVs. Reading this magazine will make you an expert in no time.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

you ****in asshole i dont want to pay for some stupid magazine! i just want a goddamn tv. who the **** would want to read a ****in weekly magazine about tvs?! cancel it right now. im serious

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

I'm sorry you feel that way about the magazine. I was just trying to help. Unfortunately I cannot cancel the magazine. When I signed you up on the phone, they gave me a confirmation number I could use to cancel the subscription. I couldn't find a piece of paper to write it on, so I wrote the number on a napkin. I think I accidentally used the napkin to wipe my face after eating wings last night, and then threw it out. I'd look through the trash to find it for you, but the garbage truck already picked it up this morning. I think they take it to the dump/recycling center in Media if you want to go look for it. It was a napkin from Taco Bell, if that helps. I usually get all my napkins there.

If you think it would be easier, you could just cancel it once you get your first magazine in the mail. You'll probably be billed for the first month, plus a $75 cancellation fee because I didn't sign you up for cancellation insurance. I just assumed you would want to keep the magazine.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

i cant believe i just read all that shit because i should have known from the first few lines that you were a ****in idiot

i dont care if you have to blow the ****in editor, you better find a way to get it cancelled because i am not spending a goddamn nickel on that magazine!

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

If you don't pay for it, that may screw up your credit. I remember one time I forgot to pay my TV guide subscription for about 14 months, and that really messed up my credit. I had trouble buying a house because of that. You should be careful.

Since you seem to not know a lot about the importance of your credit, I signed you up for a year subscription of In Debt Weekly, a great magazine that can teach you a lot about credit. Don't worry, I got you the same discount as before, and this magazine is actually a little bit cheaper. It is only $34.99 a year. It came with a discounted subscription to Card Times, another magazine about credit cards. That one is only $25 per year, so I signed you up for that as well. It is a decent magazine for the price.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

GL4KJHSGSKFKJS YOU ****ING ASSHOLE STOP SIGNING ME UP FOR ****ING MAGAZINES!!!! LMAO

CANCEL THOSE RIGHT NOW MOTHER****ER!!!!

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

There is no need for that kind of language. Please do not talk to me anymore.

Unless you would be interested in a subscription to Anger Management Journal. I can sign you up for that if you want to learn how to control your temper.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

**** YOU

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bump (Post 8906581)

anyone besides me gonna make a fake email account to **** with people?

I tried to do it on this site to another user earlier today.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=263593

Even if they're all made up, they are still hilarious reads. There's something very Demonpenz-esque about them. I wonder if penz has any cousins in Philly.

I got one going now, she replies fast, still a work in progress. I am the one and only, Jessica Barfield. Brunette and loves to work a deal on craigslist.

original post

http://boston.craigslist.org/sob/ele/3269900518.html

me

Hello,

I came across your ad on craiglist for the TV for sale. That looks like something I might be interested in. How old is it? Does the VCR on top come with it?

Thanks,

Jessica

her

I bought it from bestbuy 5 years ago. Still works like new. The VCR isnt included no.
let me know if you're still interested

me

Yes, I'm still interested. But without the remote, I feel like the VCR would be a good substitute. You can keep the movie that is in it though. I have a wide collection of VCR films and my VCR recently broke. But $40 is a little steep for a 5 year old Sanyo TV. So what do you think about $20 for the TV + VCR combo?

Thanks,

Jessica

her

the vcr isnt for sale. its my daughters. a universal remote works fine with the tv. i've tried it with one just to check.
i've researched the prices on the same tv online and 40 is below the normal listing price.

me

So you do have a remote for it? Why exclude it?

People can ask whatever price they want, what matter is what people are willing to pay. So without the VCR that was included in the picture, how about throw in the universal remote you mentioned and l think $10 is reasonable for the TV + universal remote.

What do you think? Do we have a deal?

Also, I don't have a car, would you be willing to drop it off at my job in Dedham?

Thanks,

Jessica

her

The universal remote is being used with my other tv. This is the tv that im getting rid of because i bought a bigger tv. Just the remote was 20$ when i bought it 2 weeks ago.
I listed the tv at 40$ if you're not interested in the tv for the price posted or even a reasonable lower price than that is fine. the listing has been up for less than an hour.

me

I think we can work a deal. What type of TV is your other TV? Perhaps I'd be more interested in that for $40. Can you send a pic of it?

her

Other TV isnt for sale. are you ****ing joking?

me

I never joke when it cums to doing business. I'm still interested in the Sanyo. What type of shows or movies have been watched on it

her

thats funny, i only watch it when i WANT to cum. preferably threesomes with huge black dudes. tv's been thoroughly 'used'. for 80 dollars i'll include a pair on fundawears. we got a deal?

me

did you know that I am a Jehovah Witness? It matters a lot to me what type of shows have been watched. In my religion you may not watch a TV that has been riddled with sin, such as the pornography you have mentioned. I don't know if you were joking or not, but I am seriously offended right now. I thought we were going to make a deal.

Perhaps you should consider your daughter that you mentioned. What will she think if she finds out her mother likes to have threesomes with black dudes? You need some serious help.

If you are not serious about selling, please don't waste people's time posting on craigslist.

But if you were joking and the TV has not been contaminated with sin, I would still be interested in it if you include an apology.

her:

tv is 40dollars. if you want it then let me know. if not. then stop emailing.

me:

If you would have apologized, I would have had two, twenty dollar bills ready for you for that Sanyo. But since not, I don't.
Good day Sir