Originally Posted by cdcox (Post 9238723)

Depends on him. If his number one priority is his relationship to his spouse, the relationship to his family becomes subservient. That doesn't mean that relationship is devalued, it just means it is put into a new context. If his number one priority is still his birth family, that really isn't what marriage is supposed to be. A couple can work out differences of opinion on family in many cases.

For example, the husband would prefer to see his family at least once a month. The wife isn't wild about his family. Maybe they settle on six times a year. Maybe the husband occasionally visits his family without his wife. The time that the couple spends with her family would also factor into the compromise. Mature people that respect the desires, needs and boundaries of the other can work thinks out if their expectations aren't completely at odds (eg. he wants to spend every weekend with his family and she never wants to see them again).

Originally Posted by Mosbonian (Post 9238693)

I'll repeat my statement again....do you really think the sister will keep it to herself? All it will take is something small and it will come out....

Originally Posted by Laz (Post 9238625)

Trust ... to a certain extent, it's gone.

He broke trust by reading the text message
She broke trust by talking shit about his family with someone beside him

Originally Posted by frazod (Post 9238557)

If my wife went though my text messages, she won't learn anything that I haven't already told her. She knows exactly how I feel about her family because I don't lie about it. The only time I tell her she can't go through my e-mails is when I've ordered a gift for her and want it to be a surprise. Marriage should be a partnership between two people who trust each other, not some endless sneaking cold war. My first marriage was like that. Not this one.

Originally Posted by jspchief (Post 9238738)

Why? Have you never had a person in your life that you could tell something to in confidence?

I feel sorry for the people that live these lives. It must be sad having every relationship be a ticking timebomb.

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 9238734)

Note the conditional I put in my statement - "if she dislikes his family THAT much".

You're talking about compromising to iron out MINOR differences. I'm not.

Originally Posted by cdcox (Post 9238746)

Well, not liking the cooking and finding the conversation boring rank as minor differences in my book. She already seems to be aboard the compromise bus since she plans to go for his sake and is trying to be a good trooper about it (by not bitching about minor issues) so he can enjoy the time with his family.

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 9238753)

She said considerably more than just that but of course we are hearing all of this 2nd hand.

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 9238753)

She said considerably more than just that but of course we are hearing all of this 2nd hand.

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238755)

So you read the text messages?

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 9238762)

Yeah, that what I meant by "we are hearing all of this 2nd hand".

Are you 14?

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 9238753)

She said considerably more than just that but of course we are hearing all of this 2nd hand.

Originally Posted by Mr. Plow (Post 9238744)

Bingo. I have nothing to hide and neither does my wife. If she wants to read my msgs, all she has to do is ask. The same goes for me. And she has. And she will again. And not a single **** will be given about me handing over my phone to her.

Originally Posted by frazod (Post 9238557)

If my wife went though my text messages, she won't learn anything that I haven't already told her. She knows exactly how I feel about her family because I don't lie about it. The only time I tell her she can't go through my e-mails is when I've ordered a gift for her and want it to be a surprise. Marriage should be a partnership between two people who trust each other, not some endless sneaking cold war. My first marriage was like that. Not this one.

Originally Posted by cdcox (Post 9238771)

2nd hand and one sided, so yeah we don't really know.

Probably they should both communicate more honestly, but then they wouldn't be having this problem.

Originally Posted by Inmem58 (Post 9238783)

My finance can go through my phone and emails it doesn't bother me at all. I can also do the same. Not a big deal really.

Originally Posted by CJizzles (Post 9238779)

Who is that window licker in your avatar?

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238767)

You seemed pretty confident when you said "She said considerably more than that" so I just figured you read them. My bad.

Originally Posted by Mr. Plow (Post 9238790)

Not sure. Just a google image result for Al Borland.

Originally Posted by jspchief (Post 9238738)

Why? Have you never had a person in your life that you could tell something to in confidence?

I feel sorry for the people that live these lives. It must be sad having every relationship be a ticking timebomb.

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 9238791)

No problem.

It's the inherent issue with discussing these types of topics on a message board. We are getting ONE persons 2nd hand account of the actual story.

Originally Posted by CJizzles (Post 9238794)

Dude wears the shit out of some flannel.

What a stud.

Originally Posted by Mosbonian (Post 9238796)

Yeah....that's my wife. That's why my marriage has lasted 28 years.

And you don't seriously think the sister will keep all of this quiet do you? Seriously?

Originally Posted by Mr. Plow (Post 9238802)

Meh. He really needs to mix in a flannel shirt.

Originally Posted by CJizzles (Post 9238807)

Or some antlers.

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238798)

Even this one sided story isn't that lopsided.

The quotes we have are a non-issue.

The whole snooping on your fiance, however...

OP clearly doesn't need to be in a relationship.

Originally Posted by Mr. Plow (Post 9238808)

Antlers would go well with that outfit.

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 9238809)

Yeah, they are an issue. Successful marriages have a few basic building blocks, some of which are missing in the OP.

Originally Posted by HMc (Post 9238058)

Huh? You don't make nice with people you don't like because it's easier or as a favour to someone else?

Originally Posted by Saul Good (Post 9238501)

So much bad advice in this thread...

Originally Posted by CJizzles (Post 9238811)

As long as he was bald.


And old.


I agree.

Originally Posted by jspchief (Post 9238806)

I don't know the sister. You seem to be suggesting its a sure thing, so I assume you do know her.

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238814)

I guess I just don't see how someone putting a front on to be polite to your family even though they aren't thrilled with being there is an issue.

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238814)

I guess I just don't see how someone putting a front on to be polite to your family even though they aren't thrilled with being there is an issue.

Originally Posted by Mosbonian (Post 9238826)

Because it is duplicity......she can be honest with him and polite with the parents. That solves the trust issue and also could resolve any concerns about whether she is the right person to marry.

Originally Posted by Mosbonian (Post 9238822)

Don't need to know the people.....human nature is inherently the same. All it takes it one incident, one argument and the sister takes sides, spills the beans. If you don't think that would happen then you are sadly mistaken.

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238835)

Nothing is going to solve this trust issue...

The OP admits to being "paranoid from past relationships" and "never seeing this side of her."

So he's really had no reason to snoop through her text messages and the only reason he did was because of someone he used to date that has no connection to this new girl what so ever.

Ya'll want to turn this into an issue on the girl because she doesn't like his mothers cooking but is still going to play nice and have Christmas with them, yet we wouldn't even know she didn't like his mothers cooking unless dipshit didn't snoop through her phone.

Originally Posted by jspchief (Post 9238848)

This is ridiculous. How do you even know this sister will ever speak to his family? And just because you've been surrounded by people that don't have the decency to know when to keep their mouth shut, that doesn't mean the entire world works that way.

I can assure you I could tell my sister something, or my wife could tell her sisters something, and it would be in complete confidence. Because they are polite people, not bickering children.

Originally Posted by jspchief (Post 9238848)

This is ridiculous. How do you even know this sister will ever speak to his family? And just because you've been surrounded by people that don't have the decency to know when to keep their mouth shut, that doesn't mean the entire world works that way.

I can assure you I could tell my sister something, or my wife could tell her sisters something, and it would be in complete confidence. Because they are polite people, not bickering children.

Originally Posted by Mosbonian (Post 9238851)

I'll ask the same question that has been asked before....if she is lying to him about how she feels about his family, what else could she be lying to him about.

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238835)

Nothing is going to solve this trust issue...

The OP admits to being "paranoid from past relationships" and "never seeing this side of her."

So he's really had no reason to snoop through her text messages and the only reason he did was because of someone he used to date that has no connection to this new girl what so ever.

Ya'll want to turn this into an issue on the girl because she doesn't like his mothers cooking but is still going to play nice and have Christmas with them, yet we wouldn't even know she didn't like his mothers cooking unless dipshit didn't snoop through her phone.

And there seems to be a popular belief that if he didn't snoop through her phone and find out these "horrible" truths that when they eventually came out it's going to be a trailer park brawl.

Originally Posted by mcaj22 (Post 9238830)

what if your fiance starts snooping through your computer and finds this thread through the browsing history?

would she be okay with this thread? lol same concept really

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238858)

Don't know... ask the OP, he's read her private text messages. What else has she "lied" about?

Originally Posted by Setsuna (Post 9238836)

If I gave any advice, would anyone heed it?

Originally Posted by Rain Man (Post 9238865)

Do you have any good stock tips?

Originally Posted by Mosbonian (Post 9238864)

See...that's the question he has to ask himself. Liars don't lie just once....

Originally Posted by Mosbonian (Post 9238856)

Go ahead and live in your Pollyanna world....if that works for you I am happy for you.

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238870)

Should probably ask the girlfriend if she knows the OP invades her privacy as well.

Originally Posted by Mosbonian (Post 9238876)

And I wouldn't disagree with the fact he was snooping caused this...to some extent he is responsible for his own issues.

But...what happened to her being honest with him all along.

Originally Posted by frazod (Post 9237898)

You seem blindsided by this, so she's obviously very good at putting up a false front. Which means she's a skilled liar. If she's lying about this, what else is she lying about?

One word of advice, though. Confront her AFTER Christmas. Don't **** up the holiday for your family. Take the high road for another couple of days.

Originally Posted by jspchief (Post 9238871)

Is that supposed to be a burn? That our families have manners?

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238877)

So you think the OP is being honest with her?

The OP is the issue. Sorry.

Originally Posted by frazod (Post 9237884)

However, it's certainly easier to address them with a fiance who'll just go away than a wife who'll go away with half your shit.

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238885)

You keep using this word duplicity...

She isn't set to marry the in-laws...

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238885)

You keep using this word duplicity...

She isn't set to marry the in-laws...

Originally Posted by alpha_omega (Post 9238887)

This may have already been covered ( i haven't read the whole thing), but is Jim Jones paying her phone bill? If so, then he has the right to read the texts. If not...better be careful.

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 9238893)

If they have widely divergent opinions on his family, they're not compatible. Period.

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 9238893)

If they have widely divergent opinions on his family, they're not compatible. Period.

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238896)

Are you saying that every married couple likes 100% of their in-laws?

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 9238901)

If they have WIDELY divergent opinions on his family...

Please, I beg you, READ before you respond.

Originally Posted by alpha_omega (Post 9238887)

This may have already been covered ( i haven't read the whole thing), but is Jim Jones paying her phone bill? If so, then he has the right to read the texts. If not...better be careful.

Originally Posted by Argo (Post 9238897)

Not true.

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238903)

Can't get much wider than like and dislike.

So answer the question...

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 9238914)

Nothing in my post says ANYTHING about her liking 100% of his family. NOTHING.

I don't know what the **** your problem is today but apparently it's affecting your ability to read and comprehend.

Let me make this more simple.

If she likes his family 30% and he likes them 70%, they have a potentially fixable situation. If she likes his family 10% and he likes them 80, it's a lost cause.

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238915)

This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Originally Posted by jspchief (Post 9238907)

Some people may find themselves spending many weekdays/weekends around their in-laws, while others may only interact with in-laws on a few occasions per year. That plays a big part in how bit of a deal it is that she doesn't like them. If she hates them, but only has to put on a friendly front 4 times per year, is it really going to impact the relationship?

Originally Posted by htismaqe (Post 9238917)

I don't ****ing care what you think.

Originally Posted by jd1020 (Post 9238921)

Uh oh. We're incompatible.