I don't know, can't you just be happy that goatboy got a new job?

My humbling event of the day occurred early. I was walking to work, and down the sidewalk comes a youngish woman (25ish, blonde) with her Boston terrier (black and white, slightly bugeyed).

The dog yips at me and makes a half-hearted charge. I feign mild terror as part of my general policy to make dogs feel good about themselves. I smile knowingly at the young woman, and she says, "He thought you were my dad."

Damn you, young blonde woman! Damn you! I mean, I know it's possible, but ... damn you!

Last friday night, I had my family at a local High school football game.

I was holding my 2yr old talking with some people I know when one of the wives asked me "how old is your grandson". Brideowanian was standing there gasping because she surely doesn't look to be grandmother age, and I'm holding up pretty well for my age as well........maybe it's sad that so many people under 40 ARE grandparents that it was probably a valid assumption.

Wow. You must look like hell and you clearly don't realize it.

People don't realize how much words can hurt men. Especially when those words imply that they're old. And when women say them.

I'm not a woman, but if it helps, you still seem young to me.

I think both of us look like we're in our late twenties. Why do people keep thinking I'm older?

Man, that frosts my butt when they do that. Last week, I handed the bagger two bags for our groceries. He proceeded to fill one to overflowing and handed me back the "extra" bag. :shake:

You seem like the kind of old guy that walks around with doggie treats in his pocket to give to passing dogs. You also have a fake rubber ear and a package of black licorice for the kiddies.

Did you tell her your car was Apricot colored?

My guess is that it's the glasses. They make us look too smart to be as young as we look.

Before moving back to Kansas City last winter, I had lived in Phoenix for the past 2 1/2 years. I thought that the midwest, with it's high redneck and religious nut population, was the best place in the country for people watching. I was wrong. Arizona...particularly Tucson and the outer edges of Phoenix (Mesa, Apache Junction) hold just the right blend of illegal immigrants, meth heads and dirt farmers that create God's perfect shit storm of weirdness. Seeing a topless woman feed gelato to a sheep in Mesa...or a homeless guy jerk off in the middle aisle of the light rail were just regular business when living down there.

There was one moment, however, that will stick with me forever. My brother, who was living with me at the time, some friends of ours and I had gone to Mill Avenue in Tempe for a night out. We got completely shit hammered. The next morning, hungover and hungry, we made the pilgrimage to a cafe in Apache Junction that had great breakfast food. All was going well until this family came in that looked something like a mixture of Cousin Eddy's family from Vacation and a family of baboons that had been rolling in shit all day. They sat down at the booth directly across from us, and smelled horribly. The mother, who was obviously high out of her mind, decided this was a good time and place to spark up a cigarette. She had a really raspy voice...probably throat cancer from too much smoking or too much oral for drugs...I'm not sure which.

The waitress comes up and informs the woman that this is a non smoking establishment and asks her to please put the cigarette out or take it outside. The woman instantly becomes enraged. "Sorry we ain't good enough to smoke in your pieceashit rest-runt. Well I tell ya what honey, I'll take it outside, but **** YOU!" We were fighting back tears at this point and the woman got up and went outside...all the while her family never said a word. We watched her pace around by the front smoking her cigarette and then she did something very odd. The woman walked across the parking lot where there was a wooden fence and trash dumpster. We were shocked as she pulled down her pants and squatted beside the dumpster and began to take a shit...right there in the parking lot. My friends and I lost it. We all pulled out our cell phones and started recording this grown woman shitting in a cafe parking lot. What happened next blew my mind...

The woman looked up and noticed us filming her and laughing hysterically. She looked pissed as she yanked her jeans back up. I specifically remember my friend Eric being particularly concerned that she hadn't wiped her ass. The woman looked SUPER pissed. She bent over, picked something up and began running at our window. Needless to say we were all shocked. Our hero then slapped a huge glob of shit on our window and began rubbing it around yelling 'you think this is funny you little assholes!?'. About that time, a cop car rolled into the parking lot. Watching the officer put the woman in handcuffs covered in shit was one of the highlights of my life.

That's all I got. :)

ROFL What a fricken wacko!

Um, so... where's the video?

I saw a homeless dwarf on my way to work the other day. There's no excuse for that. If you're a dwarf, you can get a job at almost any bar checking ID's or something, because every bar owner wants people to remember that his bar has a dwarf who checks IDs.

True, but only if there were only a few homeless dwarfs checking IDs. If there were dwarfs checking IDs at even 50% of the establishments you walk into, it would dwarf the stats and your idea loses half it's panache.

then every bar owner in America would be constantly trying to figure out ways to "spice" up their dwarf checking ID's. We'd end up as a society having to watch fifteen minutes of naked dwarf on mechanical bull action before getting your id checked.

hahaha

True dat.

On my walk home, I ended up behind some walking woman. Despite the fact that I was 30 or 40 feet behind her, she kept glancing nervously over her shoulder at me, and then at a corner abruptly changed direction.

Okay, first off, lady, if I was going to rape someone, it would be someone with a better figure than you. No offense. And second, could you not tell that I was wearing my Pro Football Hall of Fame t-shirt? I'm not going to rape someone in that t-shirt. It's one of my favorite t-shirts and if your ripped it during your terrified struggle underneath me or if it got mace stains, it'd be really hard to replace.

Rain Man the Rapist.

It's probably the do-rag and affliction t-shirts he wears.

it's therapist.........

The eternally vexing question.

Always Sunny's - philanthropist --> full on rapist

or

Arrested Development's - analyst + therapist --> analrapist?

Hey I'm wearing my pro football gal of game shirt right now.

Planned on doing some raping today... Great minds.
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So I was at the liquor store tonight and the guy in front of me had a Louie Vitton bag with a monogram RIP. I thought it might be fake. He bought some box wine and Cook's champagne. His bill came to around $45. He pulled some bills off a money clip but it wasn't enough to cover the bill. Also clipped in the money clip was a stack of small white envelops with RIP written in pencil on the outside. He opened one and it contained a couple of $5s. He handed them to the clerk and asked how much that added up to. $35 Still not enough. He opened another one, and it had a $20. He handed it the clerk, who gave him back two $10s. Finally the two of them figured out that the clerk needed to keep one of the $10s.

Out in the parking lot RIP got into a late model Mercedes Benz. He still had at least 3 of those little envelopes that he hadn't opened yet.

what the hell was the RIP stuff about; and the envelopes?

RIP was his initials, I presume.

The envelopes were really weird. I thought it might be a mechanism for him to budget his money, and imagined that he was raiding next week's grocery money to pay for his wine fix. The Mercedes Benz kind of blew that theory. I'm sure if I could have observed him for another 30 minutes I'd have 10 more oddities to report.

I wonder if he was a professional focus group participant. We pay people in white sealed envelopes.

"I can't believe you can get a box of 500 paper wallets for $2.99"!

What the hell is a man doing with a Louis Vuitton bag? We talking about a briefcase or some kind of murse?

I'm picturing a pimp.

5s, 10s, & 20s... cheap hoes.

It was not a masculine bag. He was wearing it over his shoulder. Nothing else feminine about his appearance, but I didn't think to look at his shoes. Those brown LV bags aren't the most feminine purses around, but even given this, his bag would have looked more at home being carried by a woman.

Two 5's? That would barely get you a "mostly distracted" group participant.

God told me to get a new phone today.

As background, my phone is a few years old, and the battery life keeps going down and down. Yesterday it was fully charged at 8:00 a.m., and at 1:34 it did not have enough power left to turn on the camera.

Why 1:34? And why was this my incentive to get a new camera?

I took a bus to a meeting yesterday morning, and it was in an unfamiliar part of town. I was riding the bus back, and it passed the city's most upscale strip club. They were having a charity car wash. The strippers were advertising the car wash out in their bikinis, and having fun romping in some little wading pools.

I am so getting a new phone.

On my walk home tonight, I was approached by two attractive young women, which is usually a strong indicator that an unusual conversation is about to occur.

One woman was a bit chemically impaired and didn't seem like a MacArthur grant candidate to start with, all giggly and stuff. But the other woman could have been an attorney or news anchorwoman. She was polished, professional, and well spoken, and she had an expensive haircut. (Having married a fashion-forward woman, I'll humbly claim an acquired talent for identifying expensive haircuts.) Unlike the first woman, this woman was clearly quite sober.

"Excuse me," she said. "Do you know where I can get free wifi around here?"

I gave her my best guess.

"Okay, and are you a native? Do you live around here?"

"Yeah, more or less."

"Oh, good. I need to buy some meth for my friend here. Do you know where I can buy some meth?"

I declined to offer a suggestion and moved along, but I'm really curious now about the back story. Why was this sober and polished woman wandering around with the giggly meth girl, and why did she feel obliged to find meth for her?

And I must admit, it's a little bit insulting to be asked such a guestion. This woman saw me walking and for some reason she thought, "Hey that guy looks like he might know where I can get meth"? Really? I was even kind of dressed up since I was coming home from a business event.

I always just assumed your business was a front for a meth lab.

It is. But most people don't know that. We're on the wholesale end.

I stopped by a local Chinese place to grab some lunch earlier today. When I placed the order, there was a family of Hispanic dudes (customers) made up of a middle aged man, two 19-20ish year old kids and a 12ish year old kid as well as three middle aged Chinese guys (workers).

I placed a to-go order for some bourbon chicken and fried rice and came back 10 minutes later to pick it up. To make a long story short, what happened was: the guys that were in there had apparently said that they had ordered my food while I was gone so the worker accidentally gave it to them, as well as the food that they ordered and paid for.

So the Chinese dude, who speaks pretty shitty English, walks over and tells the guys they need to pay $5 for the food they were wrongfully given. The older Hispanic dude, who also spoke shitty English, was like "We don't have any more money"- which I suspect was a lie. So the Chinese dude goes to grab the food (my food) from one of the 19-20ish year olds and the older Hispanic dude flipped his shit. He basically started arguing with the guy that it was his fault that he had given them the wrong food and that he couldn't take it away or charge them while the Chinese guy, of course, was pretty pissed off that they had likely conned him for a free meal.

So they're going back and forth and the older Hispanic dude gets out of the booth and one of the other Chinese dudes comes around from the counter and they're all going back and forth.

This is a little hole in the wall ass joint so they were legit 4 feet away from me and getting a bit heated. The guy that had remained behind the counter came back with a new order for me so I took off after about 2 or 3 minutes of the squabbling so I took off.. I'm kind of curious as to what ended up happening.

I was kind of hoping they'd break out into a royal rumble. Everybody likes a good brawl right?

That's the best thing about Chinese food, you can be out the door 3 minutes after placing your order.

If the food is flavorful (that is code for: allows you to shoot flames from your ass the next day) I can put up with a little squabbling as long as no knives, guns, explosives, or biological weapons are involved. I'm assuming that chemical and nuclear weapons aren't likely to show up in a Chinese restaurant.

Is the food flavorful?

I eat like shit on a daily basis so I doubt I'll be experiencing any "flavorful explosions" tomorrow.

Yesterday afternoon while walking into the mall to see a movie there was a woman walking in front of us with two small children. The woman was wearing short shorts and had several visible tattoos. Two of the tattoos were on the back of her thighs, one below each glute. My date pointed out the tattoos and asked me if I could read them. My poor vision, even with corrective lenses, couldn't so she informed me that the left one read "Little" and the right one read "Mama". I'm sure she was a nice lady.

KCnative must be vacationing in Fla.

Were the words rightside up while she was walking, or were they upside down so they could be easily read if she was on her back with her feet behind her ears?

Right side up - legible if she was on her stomach, on her knees, or in a downward-dog position.

I wonder if she's related to Big Daddy's wife, Lil Momma.

Come on, man.

You know how the attractive chicks always hang out together? Well, today I discovered that it is apparently a universal trait and not just some aspect of American culture.

I was on a train, and whenever I ride this train I tend to see some sort of Amish/Mennonite/Quaker/Mormon fundamentalists. I have no idea who the group is, but the men all have Amish-style beards and the women wear bonnets and sensible shoes with simple dresses. They don't speak English, either, and I can't identify the language. They're interesting to me.

But anyway, back to the point.

This is a group that tends to be ... corn-fed. The women are generally kind of stocky and unattractive, and their sense of style doesn't help them much. By and large, this is an unattractive sect and I've never seen one of their women that would warrant a second glance.

But that changed today. I was sitting in my seat and a group of them was on the train, and all of a sudden I saw this Amish/Mennonite/Quaker/Mormon supermodel. Sure, she was in a bonnet and a shapeless dress and sensible shoes, but this young woman was smokin' hot. Gorgeous face, and you could tell that there were pleasant curves under that shapeless dress. She was around a 9.5 on the Bo Derek scale.

She was walking down the aisle, talking to the woman behind her that I couldn't see, and as they passed I got an eyeful of the second young woman. She was probably a 7, which makes her at least 5 points more attractive than any other Amish/Mennonite/Quaker/Mormon woman I've ever seen on this train. So the 9.5 and the 7 are hanging out together in a world of 2's and 3's. That's not a coincidence, and it's not like these people are exposed to television media or anything. I therefore conclude that attractive chicks will always seek each other's company, regardless of their culture or civilization.

I later saw them in the dining car with what I presume were their respective beaus. Those guys have to be thanking their religious deity for their good luck in snagging a couple of Amish/Mennonite/Quaker/Mormon babes in a gene pool that certainly didn't offer them good odds. I offer a 19-century fist bump to those two guys.

I suffered the ultimate indignity tonight.

I'm at the airport waiting for the bus tonight to get to downtown. The bus comes and I get in line, ending up behind some ultra-friendly, short stocky woman who talks at me for a bit. I mind my own business, and suddenly I hear an angelic voice behind me. Somehow, a young little hottie ended up in line behind me. Where she came from was a mystery.

"Sir, may I ask you a question? Do you know how much the bus costs to go downtown?" She had long brown hair, very notable thorax curves underneath a low cut tank top, and a pair of very short pink shorts.

I stand in shock for a moment. This is a unicorn moment. An attractive young woman just acknowledged my existence and even sought an interaction with me.

"$11 if you don't have a pass", I reply, setting up in my best James Dean pose.

Her big brown eyes got bigger. "Oh, no," she said. "Really?" She looked down at some bills in her hand and got one of those cute little worried eyebrow curls.

Holy cow. A young damsel in distress? And the nice thing about it was that she looked like she had a fair amount of sluttiness to her. You know the look. It was the look that hinted, "If you buy my bus fare I'll thank you by performing oral sex on you in the back row." Note that I'm not at a life stage where I can accept such an offer, but it's always nice to be asked.

My next line at this point would have been "How much do you need?" That simple line would have put this slutty attractive woman in my debt, leading to an offer of oral sex in the back row, and even if that's not allowable I bet she still would have flashed some breast or something. It was a Penthouse letter situation all the way.

Except for that damned stocky woman. Before I could even utter a word, she jumped in to MY conversation and stole MY line when the attractive young woman was talking to ME.

"How much do you need?" she blurted, falling all over herself to steal my thunder.

"I'm a dollar short."

"Well, here! I'll give you a dollar!"

I was going to give the woman a dollar. This was my scene. This was my moment. Everything was set up for me to gain the gratitude of a somewhat slutty looking damsel in distress. But NO!

And now it was ruined. I tried to seize the initiative back. "I'm glad to give you a dol-"

"Here! Here's a dollar! Stocky woman already had a dollar out and handed it to the young woman, who had beautiful slender hands with long fingers.

"Oh, thank you! You're awesome!" The young woman said. She took the dollar. "I owe you one."

"Glad to help, honey." Stocky woman smiled and turned back around, her job done.

And with that, I stood there castrated. I somehow now totally looked like a jerk because I didn't offer any money to a young damsel in distress. I went from Back Row Oral Sex (which presumably would have been offered) to Old Guy With No Chivalry in one interrupted conversation. That was it. Game over.

Women, please listen to me. Please. Never step into a situation like this. You have no business helping an attractive young woman if she's already talking to a middle-aged man. Let nature run its course. You killed me tonight. You sapped my will to live.

You gotta keep the game going, you just missed a double mouth hug moment....

Did the girl actually get on the bus? Or was it a con.

sounds like that stocky lady might be getting a BJ in the back row of the bus later.

Almost woke my 2 yr old up from lol.

I saw her talking earlier to some obese woman in a muumuu who was smoking at the bus stop, which I'm pretty sure is illegal. I don't know if that woman gave her money or not, but she didn't seem like a high-value target for money, so maybe she was just asking for help with the bus system. The muumuu woman probably looked like she knew a lot about the bus system.

The hottie did indeed get on the bus, but whether she actually needed the dollar to do isn't guaranteed. She could have just been using her shorts and tank top to raise a little money for beer later. But if that was the case then I think she would have been going to men and not to obese women in muumuus. So I think she was a legitimate damsel in distress.

Even if it was a scam, I'd give her a dollar. Attractive young women don't just come up and acknowledge my existence and talk to me every day, so it's not really a scam if I got value from it.

I bet you're right. I should have paid more attention.

On my walk to work today, I saw three people who were obviously coworkers, going out for a cup of coffee or something. There was some goofy looking guy, an insanely attractive woman with the build of a female surfer, and a blind guy who was tapping down the street with his cane.

It seems particularly cruel to be a blind guy who works with a gorgeous female surfer.

But does he even know?

At first this question was whether he knows she is gorgeous but then I realized, he may not understand what that means.

Maybe he got to see what she looks like with his hands.........lucky bastard.

That may be even more sad. You'd hope that he would have some sort of mental image of gorgeous, but you're right. Maybe he doesn't.

I wonder if she has a nice voice. They were talking, but I was too far away to hear if she had a melodic and lilting voice.

My guess is no, unless he used it as some sort of introductory request when they first met.

Wouldn't every blind guy do that ? I would.

Well I'm sure he can still be aroused by females with his other senses. Just because he can't sense light bouncing off beautiful women doesn't mean he can't get turned on by some chick.

Maybe she is trying to help him see by sucking all the demons out

So we just had an odd thing happen at my work. Small IT office with about 8 people here today. I was outside having a cigarette and when I was coming back in there was a man walking up the alley. I nodded and headed into the building. He also came into the building although I know he does not work at any of the offices here. He came into our office a couple of minutes later and asked if I had dropped a $20 bill. I told him no, I did have one in my wallet but it is still there (I even checked). He asked if I was sure and I told him yes, absolutely and congrats on the free money. He started to head for the door, turned around and pushed a potted plant off the ledge on a co-workers desk.

On the way out he stopped to state that "Hitler was a white man." Then, just before he walked out the door he said that "Martin Luther King was a black man."

No clue why this happened and it just left us all in shock for a couple of minutes. I know of no reason for him to have any animosity to any of us, just random workplace violence I guess. :shrug:

Drugs are bad mmmkay

That is one of the strangest stories I've heard & I've heard some strange ones.

That's a very unusual story. I guess his statements were factually correct, though.

You're lucky he wasn't a shooter :thumb: