Your biggest question is do you really know your fiancée? Most women change after marriage and lots of men are duped by an act during engagement.

So, yes confront her. Don't worry about checking her phone. That is not a huge deal. Deceiving you and being dishonest is a much bigger deal than invading privacy.

You're asking him to answer your question but I don't see an answer to my question that I asked you...so I will repeat it:

Is she being honest with him?

I have no proof that she's ever lied to him about liking his family, so...

Not to take this thread on a tangent but who the hell are you?

You have 7k posts and I don't remember a single 1 before today.

So basically you're whole stance on this issue is that the OP is (potentially) making all this up?

Not real conducive to discussion but I guess I see your point...

This. I don't care. I actually prefer my wife to snoop through my stuff. Bc I don't vent to people. I will tell her to her face and use my lack of venting as an excuse and I think she appreciates that. I tell my wife that a lot of husbands don't tell their wives things bc they don't think their wives can handle it. I tell her that I respect her and I'm going to tell her the truth even if it pisses her off bc I think she can handle it rationally and not be a nut bag.

Not sure how you connect those dots.

LOL.....mmaddog.....

You said you don't have any proof she was lying. Well, technically we don't have proof that she has done ANYTHING.

What we have is the story of a guy who was paranoid to read his fiancé's text messages without her knowledge...

Hmmm....guess that part about him being astonished at her attitude toward his family was glossed over?

HFS

ROFL

Lots of good stuff in this thread, thanks all. Now, to address a few points:

First of all, I'm not worried about the "what else is she lying about?" thing because, hell, I've read her text messages, so I know exactly what is going on with her.

Secondly, I think it's interesting the split on people who think it's OK and those who think it's creepy for me to read her texts. I fully admit I have insecurities/trust issues based on past relationships. I don't think that means I am incapable of being in a relationship. If I "snoop" around and read her phone and find something bad, then **** it, I'm glad I did it. It's better to find out that way then find out 10 years into marriage that I'm handcuffed to a total bitch.

In a little bit of defense for myself, I'm totally open with my shit. Sometimes I'll get a text or I'll be texting someone and she'll pick up my phone to see who it's from or ask who I'm texting and I'll show her. She also goes on my phone to play games. I don't have a passcode on my phone or anything so she's totally open to snoop through there if she wants. Has she? I don't know, but she won't find anything questionable if she does.

Not necessarily. You have no way of knowing that.

We have a story about a girl who isn't crazy about her inlaws, but spends time with them because they are her fiances family and is polite to them.

Coupled with a paranoid dude who can't let go of the past.

I haven't read through the entire thread so maybe it's been mentioned before but do we know how long they've been together? Has it been a short time? How many people are going to come out and say, "I really hate your family" after the first few visits?

It probably doesn't help I have changed my handle a couple of times....got tired of the occasional irreverent "dog" references when I was "mmaddog"

Then I changed it to Dsnyfn (short for Disney Fan) but then I got all kinds of wonderful comments about what that probably stood for....the best being "Dumb Sh** NY Fan"

So i had them change it to my old HS nickname....my favorite Coach and mentor gave it to me.

You are right. I'm going through this very issue right now. It does cause problems. I dont like my inlaws and SHE LOVES her fam. Its always a point of contention. She finally just let me stop going around them.

The difference between the op and me is I tell her how I feel and I don't fake.

If she really is a bitch and shes just nice on the exterior that will come out soon when your married. Id never admit snooping though...but I would consider what life will be like w this woman ten yrs from now....

I think you have this sense of guilt for looking through her phone. Get over it. You are marrying this girl and you need to know what you are getting into. She knows that you have trust issues from dishonesty in past relationships. You should know she feels about your family.

Anyway she found out about you looking at her phone? She might of just said these things to call you out on it.

And the paranoid get more paranoid.

A lot of truth here. It would be really important to know what the expectations were going into a marriage.

just dump this bitch....find yourself a nice alcoholic chick in the smoking section at next seasons home opener

Solid advice

Not reading the thread, but I ****ing hate my wife's family but my wife knows that.

Soooooooooo....I can't tell you what to do.

I guess I was lucky. my fiance and her daughters were honest about not liking my father. It's something I've heard from all my friends and girlfriends since Jr. High. So I'm used to it.

Some personalities clash and sometimes those personalities are meaningful and close to you. Yeah, it sucks, but no one can make everyone happy.

confront her? Yes. You aren't married. Honesty and communication are VERY important to a relationship...even if you don't agree or understand.

give her props for hanging in their and doing things (spending time with your family) that she doesn't like, but explain to her that they are your family, you love them, and will forever be tied to them.

Hopefully both of you can be understanding and come to an mutual agreement of something that will satisfy you both.

POS move going through her phone, hell that is worse than anything she did IMO.

Why were you reading her txt messages, are you both in high school?

If she smokes she pokes.

treat em like dirt theyll stick like mud

whatya dang text message anyhow? damn kids these days

Agree. I think reading texts behind her back is even worse. Talk about untrustworthy

Lotta dumbshits in here, but I think you take the cake. Your jokes aren't even funny man.

Next time instead of reading her text send one to her mom.

"Mom, Jim ****ed Molly and she thinks she is pregnant. Then I got mad and ****ed cousin Max. Mom I don't think I will be able to live with myself."

"I loved him and I can't share his anaconda with that little bitch Mom. She has ****ed everyone I have ever dated. I hate her mom."

Huh?

How is this a POS move?

Nothing wrong with it, IMO.

He's planning on marrying this chick.

I'd say it's a good idea. I'd have zero problems with a woman of mine reading my text messages.

Also, I'd be smart enough to delete anything I wouldn't want her to read. :)

My biggest problem with this is why she felt she needed to lie about her feelings about his family.

Ya it's much better to not trust her and then have kids and divorce 4 years later...ya that's the ticket.

well uh thank ya kindly trauma. A mighty fine merry christmas to you and yours too

Bring it up in a way thats non accusatory. For instance on the way home say something to the effect of I appreciate that you keep your cool around my family since its obvious they irritate you with moms cooking and my sisters rowdy kid. That will take her aback for a few seconds while she try's to figure out how you were aware. Watch her reaction. You have a 50-50 chance of her admitting to it or doubling down on the lie. React accordingly. Don't admit to anything about reading the text if she swears she doesn't feel that way. There is no use bringing it up at that point anyway

You're lucky you found out she's a piece of shit before you married her.

http://i.imgur.com/PK8d6h.jpg

Suck it up Tim and use extra gravy.
My advise is to let the text messages go. It is the season to forgive and nothing good is going to come out of confronting her about it. Hell for all we know maybe because her family hates his family and talks shit on them that she's just playing along. Doubtful I know. But hell just let it go.
Oh and stay away from her ****ing phone.

Why bother with these silly games?

That is a classy ****ing group you run with.

Always so much help aren't you? Feliz navidad pendejo! Enjoy your tamales...I'm set to dig in right now.

Obsession is a problem. :harumph:

I'll take a wild guess that they really don't warm up to you either, Mr Congeniality.

What you do is mix up some arsenic and fruit punch. You drink a big solo cup and then give her one.

I see it more or less this way.

The OP is a sneak and a snoop. If he visited my home I'd inventory the medicine cabinet.

"Trust issues" sounds like code for paranoid, insecure baby man dude.

FAX

THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.


say the food was trash and how annoyed you were by them, DO NOT bring up the txt msg at all.

If she doesn't like your family and can't be honest with you about it then end it. Only problems lie ahead.

You need to make sure you apologize for reading her texts but acknowledge you do it because of past issues you have had. I assume she knows about them? Communication is important and if you feel you can't speak freely that should be addressed.

It is also possible she feels bad for not liking your family and has always wanted to say something but was scared that you would get really upset with her. If you do have a good relationship I would guess she feels guilty and also might be wanting more communication. You have to approach it with an attempt to understand her feelings and position as well.

JFC the PUSSIFICATION continues.

This. She's shit, goodbye.

Why is she shit? Maybe his family sucks. She isn't obligated to like them. She is only obligated to treat them with respect. Venting to her sister in confidence isn't breaching her duty.

How hot is your wife?

No, she's not obligated to like them, but she is obligated to be truthful and not hide things from her future spouse.

If I'm aware of somebody talking shit about my family whether in confidence or not, I'm done with them. YMMV.

31 years ago I wasn't overly impressed with my fiance's family. Today they are every bit as important and special to me as my own and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

31 years ago if my fiance had been snooping through my private letters he wouldn't be my husband today. That's just wrong.

If she can't be honest with him about it it's the tip of the iceberg. I've seen many of my friends make this mistake over the years.

This is complete bullshit. You don't think it's wrong for her to hide shit? She obviously doesn't have the guts to be honest with him.

two things...

1) you don't trust her, your actions verify this...there has to be a reason why...my guess is you know the answer to that...no trust means a foundation bulit on dishonesty...and now, from both sides...i

2) most people find what they are looking..for..you have to ask yourself, waht if it's true? does the possibillty of inlaw perceptions and relationships interfering exist? and if so, what are you willing to DO about it...

Many of you are talking about her not being honest? How honest is it for him to be going through her texts????

Pretty much this.

In this case, we are missing a ton of context and the exact wording... but if it was truly vicious and mean spirited... that's just not the kind of person I would be comfortable spending my life with. But again, without knowing more, you may be blowing things out of proportion and interpreting it to be far worse than it really is. If your assessment IS correct though, she doesn't sound like a very nice person and if it were me I'd start working on an exit strategy.

She is hiding something that will hurt him, and she is still willing to be with his family which means that it may not be as bad as she tells her sister.

**** it, end it now and don't even try to find out what it may be like 30 years later.

my last girlfriend and I never, not one time, felt the need to read each other's text messages.

When I was 18 my first girlfriend and I were having serious issues. I moved away to college and broke up with her, found out she started hanging out with one of my close friends from back home and it turned into a huge competition to see who would win. This is my favorite relationship because it taught me everything to NEVER do again. One time she was over and I took her phone and threatened to read her text messages and she FREAKED out. I knew then and there that A) the relationship was over and B) my God I'd never put myself in that situation again.

Since then I've picked four girlfriends all from the same mold. They simply never work out, so I need to re-brand myself I think, but the last thing either of us would ever do would be to read each other's text messages behind one another's back. I wouldn't even think about it, and we'd leave our phones around unattended at each other's places consistently.

I would never want to date someone like I dated in high school (after we broke up the first time). Competition relationships were awful and after it took me a good 6 months and a college dropout when I was 18 the first time around...I learned REAL quick.

BUT...that is one lesson I'm glad I learned.

IMO, if she was mean-spirited it would have shown up by now in other ways.

of course the last two girlfriends of mine and I have broken up because I date college seniors who always move away when the relationships get good and I'm too much of a dipshit to take a chance and move with...or as my friends put it, "Rick why do all of your girlfriends always move 3000 miles away after three months with you?" which is something I should probably look in to.

Doing it on the sly is dishonest and he is at fault there... but I don't have a real problem with him reading her texts as long as it is an established two way street. People in serious relationships shouldn't keep (current) secrets (obviously a person's past before the relationship is a different story). The problem is... he should have been clear about this from the onset and she should have been forewarned that he didn't agree with having boundaries in that regard.

BTW I disagree with those here who say he should start with an apology about it.. that's not going to help one bit. If I was in his shoes I would confront her about the problem and treat the reading of each other's texts texts as if it is not an issue and act as if she is the crazy one if she tries to make it an issue. Of course, I wouldn't be in the market to salvage things with a chick who says vicious things behind, my back about my family.

EDIT: Just to be clear, I don't read other's texts but I certainly don't have a problem when they read mine. Even if they think they are being sneaky about it.

yeah, which is why I tend to think the texts may be blown out of proportion... right now I feel I don't have enough info to make any kind of useful suggestions really.

Relationships are about trust and communication. If the relationship is lacking those 2 key things, it is doomed. All it takes is for one partner to lose trust in the other and that's when the vicious cycle begins. That person resents the other for lying and that person resents the other for snooping.

Eventually someone will get sick of the shit and leave.

I guess the reason I'm participating in this thread is...

I'm pretty disappointed my last girlfriend and I didn't work out. There were a lot of factors that worked against us and we still remain close friends. It's tough since we broke up so close to the holidays.

I just know I'd be kicking myself and beating myself up constantly if the reason our relationship ended was because I was a complete dumbass and read her text messages. Perhaps your fiance is like a typical women and likes to dramatize things just, you know, to be dramatic?

My sister is happily married with two beautiful young boys who I got to spend the day with...happy as could be. Great husband...his family, mom in particular...basically a bat shit insane lunatic. She gets very annoyed by her and her sister-in-law who is very self-centered. This is something everyone already knows but she plays the part. Does she talk to my mom about it sometimes? Vent about it a little? Sure. That's what you do with in-laws.

Meh. Whatever. I think the OP needs to look at himself in the mirror and correct his actions before he starts a fight with someone he might care about and potentially ruin something that might really be good for him. I think violating someone's privacy is far worse than talking shit about your S.O.'s parents/family.

Has he been letting her read his texts? Or does he expect her to since he does hers without her knowledge? Maybe she was just venting about how different his family is from hers. I know I say things to my sis in confidence that are more of a between you and me thing that really isn't ncessarily the real truth of the matter just getting it off my chest.

2 families becoming one is not a cakewalk and it takes a lot of give and take on both sides. I really don't see her as being dishonest, maybe she wants this to work and it helps to have someone to talk to confidentially.

Wanna be cruel but gentle about it ? Oxymoron I know, but this will work. But it will take some skill in pulling it off but you can do it because I can tell you are hurt and pissed.

While sitting at the Xmas dinner table with everyone around, casually bring up the topic of technology and specifically phones and it's effects on society where nothing is private anymore but yet soooooooooo easy to be secretive. You then take your exact situation and carbon copy it in a story about a fake friend you have and then tell the exact same details of what this friend found on his or her significant other's phone depending on how you tell the story. You should get a lot of reaction from trust to privacy etc... which is good because it is all generic and gets the group conversation going.

But as you begin to state specifically what this friend found, you look around the table getting everyone's reaction and purposely end your look always looking at her after every detail and asking her every time you state a detail, "Honey can you believe he/she would say that about the person's family he/she is about to marry"? I am so glad you love and appreciate my family as I do yours".

Like I said, you have to be coy about this and very casual but like Frazod said early on in this thread your fiance' is a skilled liar thus she is smart enough to get the message and then you can have your talk on the way home in the car. I always instruct couples to go for drives when discussing sensitive serious topics because either party can't run away and both must maintain control because of the safety factor of driving a car therefore conversations about very serious touchy subjects usually go pretty well. I love road trips because a lot sh** gets aired out that doesn't usually get done at home because of all the distractions and excuses.

Bottom line: Whether she gets it or not during the table discussion, she won't let on that she does nor will she ever be honest with you and admit she feels the same way. Her ego is too prideful because she is a person who really thinks "her sh** don't stink" and your family's stinks to high heaven in her mind and she just tolerates them and you. You then on the way home say, "Hey you know my friend I mentioned at the dinner table? That was me.

Enjoy and make it good because this will end your relationship because her type of personality and character doesn't have the maturity to endure and work through it. Don't waste your time because you don't want a woman like this who will be condescending to your family AND to you as well for the rest of your life. My guess is you have a tendency to date women who always have the upper hand, meaning you like being led by the nose a lot emotionally. I bet you have taken a lot of emotional abuse from women in your past relationships who could take or leave you at anytime? And now you are going to actually marry one ???

Sack up and be a BIG DOG for a change and start respecting yourself and have fun doing this. AND DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR LOOKING AT HER PHONE WHATSOEVER !!! Every time she tries to divert by saying why did you look at my phone? You say, "Why didn't you tell me you felt this way about my family?

And don't back off !!

Have fun !!!:D

It is. He should not have done that. But having done it, he found out something worth knowing, and IMO something worth moving on over. I don't care about much, but that's a deal breaker for me.

Ha, I had one move to Australia! Pretty sure that is almost as far away as you could possibly go from Texas.

I've gone out of my way in the past NOT to read my girlfriends text messages. In fact, I rarely ever ask about a girl's past. I like the line in Jerry Maguire where Zellwenger says "lets not tell each other our sad stories."

Mr. Subtlety.

the last four girls I've dated have all been 22...and different times in my life. Once I was 23, then 24, then 25, then 27...

I think I'm done with it. The count down until graduation/move away/what now? is just not fun anymore.

The last relationship it was the elephant in the room from the day we started dating..."oh in 5 months you move 4 hours away to student teach for a whole semester!"

It just can't work anymore. I'm the creepy 27 year old who still goes to the 19-22 year old bars because I'm simply not attracted to older women. I don't know what it is. So I'm just done. No more drinking for me, which means no more girls for me either.

It's depressing.

;)

It works !!

Exactly right. She may not really feel that way at all and actually has issues with her family and they "bond" by mutually talking shit about others. Maybe her family is feeling insecure about time spent away and she was talking shit to make them feel better. We really don't know enough... and it sounds like he may not either... well, that, or she could just be a complete two faced bitch. :D