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-   -   I have a date. (https://chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=164919)

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 10:06 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5852883)
Nope. She smelled your pre-ejaculate and got spooked on the drive home.

Bad plan.
We were in separate cars.

Anyway, a female friend says she probably likes me, wants to get to know me better and wants me to respect her before she bangs me. So, maybe later this week.

Or I could meet with epic failure again.

JOhn 06-20-2009 10:07 PM
Not sure if this would make a good after school special for teaching Abstinence....


Or am I just watching the same train wreck over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over &over..........:shake:

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 10:10 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by JOhn (Post 5852888)
Not sure if this would make a good after school special for teaching Abstinence....


Or am I just watching the same train wreck over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over &over..........:shake:
It was hardly a ****ing trainwreck. It was a successful date. Do I have to bang every broad on the first meeting?

JOhn 06-20-2009 10:10 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852890)
It was hardly a ****ing trainwreck. It was a successful date. Do I have to bang every broad on the first meeting?
ROFL


No, but have you EVER?

next.......

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 10:11 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852886)
We were in separate cars.

Anyway, a female friend says she probably likes me, wants to get to know me better and wants me to respect her before she bangs me. So, maybe later this week.

Or I could meet with epic failure again.
"I get wood."

She sniffed you out.

This is a vulnerable target. A closer would have sealed the deal on day 1, so unless you're completely hopeless, you should be fine. ****ing divorced 30-year-olds isn't exactly a demanding skill.

88TG88 06-20-2009 10:12 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5852878)
Suggesting going back to her place at 8:30 was a terrible idea. Just terrible.

More drinks. Ideally. Or, you should have suggested going to a movie. You know...what you ****ing talked about at dinner?

Most women don't let intraweb guy they've known for an hour back to the bat cave, and she was clearly thinking about how she ****ed up as she led you on a 20 minute snipe hunt.
Yup, the ride home gave her time to think about the situation. She probably thought you wanted to make a coat out of her skin. When women think no good comes from it.

cdcox 06-20-2009 10:13 PM
You know why the Starbucks closed?

Coffee is for closers.

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 10:14 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdcox (Post 5852895)
You know why the Starbucks closed?

Coffee is for closers.
You're an expresso guy, aren't you?

cdcox 06-20-2009 10:15 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5852897)
You're an expresso guy, aren't you?
Nah, just black coffee. Every day.

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 10:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdcox (Post 5852895)
You know why the Starbucks closed?

Coffee is for closers.
ROFL

Well done. This thread has legs.

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 10:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdcox (Post 5852899)
Nah, just black coffee. Every day.
We're still talking about coffee, right?

cdcox 06-20-2009 10:17 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5852901)
We're still talking about coffee, right?
Unfortunately.

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 10:20 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdcox (Post 5852902)
Unfortunately.
This.

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 10:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5852892)
****ing divorced 30-year-olds isn't exactly a demanding skill.
I didn't go out with her on accident. :evil:

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 10:25 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852909)
I didn't go out with her on accident. :evil:
DeezNutz approve of this message.

(and so will yours if you follow through on this line of thought)

Mr. Flopnuts 06-20-2009 10:26 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852886)
We were in separate cars.

Anyway, a female friend says she probably likes me, wants to get to know me better and wants me to respect her before she bangs me. So, maybe later this week.

Or I could meet with epic failure again.
No. I think the deal is done. By thursday, she'll be a chie........I mean, by Thursday you'll know what the inside of a vagina feels like.

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 10:30 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Flopnuts (Post 5852911)
No. I think the deal is done. By thursday, she'll be a chie........I mean, by Thursday you'll know what the inside of a vagina feels like.
Technically I do. At least my middle finger does.

Actually I'm strangely relieved. This was a little stressful.

JD10367 06-20-2009 10:30 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5852883)
She smelled your pre-ejaculate and got spooked on the drive home.
It's rare that I actually laugh out loud. Thanks.

Mr. Flopnuts 06-20-2009 10:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852913)
Technically I do. At least my middle finger does.

Actually I'm strangely relieved. This was a little stressful.
I ain't talkin bout yo middle finger dawg. Seriously though, the most stressful part is done, don't go full reerun at this point and your dick is getting wet. Hands down.

SPATCH 06-20-2009 10:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by JD10367 (Post 5852914)
It's rare that I actually laugh out loud. Thanks.
you should probably try to get out more

BossChief 06-20-2009 10:32 PM
I would have dived into the deep end at the gas station and while we were kissing, would have softly taken her hand and had it just graze my package.

The key in this situation is to not seem completely obvious, and come off creepy, but to put dick in her subconscience.

Before the next date, blow a load in the shower so you dont seem so needy.

I hate to say it, but you may have come off too wanting.

never go grocery shopping when your very hungry

JD10367 06-20-2009 10:33 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852913)
Technically I do. At least my middle finger does.
I'm new to the party. Is the running joke in this thread that you're a virgin?

I would think, in this day and age of psychopaths and STDs, if you told her that she'd probably be so frigging happy to find a (probably) clean and (relatively) innocent guy that she'd jump you right there in the car. :shrug:

SPATCH 06-20-2009 10:35 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BossChief (Post 5852918)
I would have dived into the deep end at the gas station and while we were kissing, would have softly taken her hand and had it just graze my package.

The key in this situation is to not seem completely obvious, and come off creepy, but to put dick in her subconscience.

Before the next date, blow a load in the shower so you dont seem so needy.

I hate to say it, but you may have come off too wanting.

never go grocery shopping when your very hungry
always flog the dolphin before a date

http://thumbnails.hulu.com/6/831/476...k9QLBlwslA.jpg

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 10:37 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by JD10367 (Post 5852919)
I'm new to the party. Is the running joke in this thread that you're a virgin?

I would think, in this day and age of psychopaths and STDs, if you told her that she'd probably be so frigging happy to find a (probably) clean and (relatively) innocent guy that she'd jump you right there in the car. :shrug:
She's a 30-year old divorcee.

She needs someone to **** her with skill.

That ain't me.

SPATCH 06-20-2009 10:37 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by JD10367 (Post 5852919)
I'm new to the party. Is the running joke in this thread that you're a virgin?

I would think, in this day and age of psychopaths and STDs, if you told her that she'd probably be so frigging happy to find a (probably) clean and (relatively) innocent guy that she'd jump you right there in the car. :shrug:
probably not

JD10367 06-20-2009 10:38 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_spatula (Post 5852922)
always flog the dolphin before a date

http://thumbnails.hulu.com/6/831/476...k9QLBlwslA.jpg
And during, if the date's boring.

JD10367 06-20-2009 10:40 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852923)
She's a 30-year old divorcee.

She needs someone to **** her with skill.

That ain't me.
:shrug: How do you know?

First off, there's no telling that her ex had skill.

Second, there's no telling that you don't. Hell, if you don't get it a lot, at least you'll be enthusiastic about it, which is probably all she's looking for at this point. (Just try not to slobber when you're down there. Think "melting ice cream cone" and remember to take a Benadryl beforehand, 'cause there's nothing worse than having a faceful of poontang and then realizing your hayfever is making it impossible to breathe through your nose so your choices are a.) break the mood and come up for a gulp of air or b.) suffocate in it.)

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 10:44 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by JD10367 (Post 5852929)
:shrug: How do you know?

First off, there's no telling that her ex had skill.

Second, there's no telling that you don't. Hell, if you don't get it a lot, at least you'll be enthusiastic about it, which is probably all she's looking for at this point. (Just try not to slobber when you're down there. Think "melting ice cream cone" and remember to take a Benadryl beforehand, 'cause there's nothing worse than having a faceful of poontang and then realizing your hayfever is making it impossible to breathe through your nose so your choices are a.) break the mood and come up for a gulp of air or b.) suffocate in it.)
Encouraging words? What the ****?

JOhn 06-20-2009 10:44 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852936)
Encouraging words? What the ****?
:banghead::banghead:



:dom:

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 10:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_spatula (Post 5852922)
always flog the dolphin before a date
That's bullshit. I need as much coal driving my engine as possible. I'm not naturally aggressive with women.

JD10367 06-20-2009 10:47 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852936)
Encouraging words? What the ****?
It's pretty simple. Quiet moans; you're doing good. A few outbursts of "oh god" and some muscle spasms on her part;you're doing excellent. If you hear bored sighs, it's not going so well. If you hear snores... well, at least you can finish your business before she wakes up and take off outta there. :)

JD10367 06-20-2009 10:49 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852943)
That's bullshit. I need as much coal driving my engine as possible. I'm not naturally aggressive with women.
Dude. Didn't you see that horror movie spoof, where the kid pinned the chick to the roof with his ejaculation? :shake: You don't want to drown the poor woman.

SPATCH 06-20-2009 10:49 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852943)
That's bullshit. I need as much coal driving my engine as possible. I'm not naturally aggressive with women.
it'ssssssss.... from a movie

oh nvm

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 10:50 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852943)
That's bullshit. I need as much coal driving my engine as possible. I'm not naturally aggressive with women.
Do you possess a pair of balls?

If you responded, "Yes.", then you should never give a girl the easy one.

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 10:56 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5852953)
Do you possess a pair of balls?

If you responded, "Yes.", then you should never give a girl the easy one.
I don't see what the issue is if she sucks my cawk first.

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 11:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852962)
I don't see what the issue is if she sucks my cawk first.
LMAO

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 11:05 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5852976)
LMAO
Seriously. The last thing I want to do is spooge at home, spooge after a BJ, and then not be able to get it up for penetration.

I'm probably talking out my ass, though.

Sure-Oz 06-20-2009 11:09 PM
I would've def. stayed out with her longer, esp drank some more hell hell had her drink, she probably did get spooked a bit and told herself to calm down. Hopefully you'll get another date.

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 11:11 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852978)
Seriously. The last thing I want to do is spooge at home, spooge after a BJ, and then not be able to get it up for penetration.

I'm probably talking out my ass, though.
I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself.

If she starts to polish your knob, she's either going to see that job through, or she's just priming the pump.

I doubt you're going to be looking at 2 separate encounters at this point. Thus, no reason not to make her work for it.

Sure-Oz 06-20-2009 11:12 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852886)
We were in separate cars.

Anyway, a female friend says she probably likes me, wants to get to know me better and wants me to respect her before she bangs me. So, maybe later this week.

Or I could meet with epic failure again.
Females don't know shit about other females, they always think everything is positive bullshit.

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 11:12 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sure-Oz (Post 5852983)
I would've def. stayed out with her longer
Did you even read the recap?

Staying out with her longer would have GUARANTEED no sex.

I made the only play I could in order to get laid.

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 11:13 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sure-Oz (Post 5852985)
Females don't know shit about other females, they always think everything is positive bullshit.
And females lie to men.

All the time.

Sure-Oz 06-20-2009 11:13 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5852984)
I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself.

If she starts to polish your knob, she's either going to see that job through, or she's just priming the pump.

I doubt you're going to be looking at 2 separate encounters at this point. Thus, no reason not to make her work for it.
I think he has no idea the lack of control he will have at that point considering he hasn't been touched by a woman like that

Sure-Oz 06-20-2009 11:14 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852986)
Did you even read the recap?

Staying out with her longer would have GUARANTEED no sex.

I made the only play I could in order to get laid.
I just read that...tough call, shouldve made her drink fast, do shots hehe she would've def. not been able to think as hard if she wanted some

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 11:14 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sure-Oz (Post 5852989)
I think he has no idea the lack of control he will have at that point considering he hasn't been touched by a woman like that
I recommend getting any potential de-virginizer drunk. That way the details of how he two-pump chumped her will be a little less clear.

Pioli Zombie 06-20-2009 11:15 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by JD10367 (Post 5852947)
It's pretty simple. Quiet moans; you're doing good. A few outbursts of "oh god" and some muscle spasms on her part;you're doing excellent. If you hear bored sighs, it's not going so well. If you hear snores... well, at least you can finish your business before she wakes up and take off outta there. :)
Go after it like you would if you were making out with her. The key to a successful round of oral is if the woman doesn't talk or try to give instruction. That breaks the mood. "Move left now over there. Ok do that!". I mean shut up bitch and trust me ok?
My ex was a High maintanence type A pain in the ass who wrecked my confidence so bad I couldn't even do that with her anymore. Confidence was restored with the knockout Halle Berry lookalike who told me I was great at it.
Posted via Mobile Device

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 11:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5852984)
I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself.

If she starts to polish your knob, she's either going to see that job through, or she's just priming the pump.
.
The idea is to be so backed up the BJ makes me explode.

And god this thread got dirty.

Haha....god...*points and laughs*

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 11:18 PM
Could be worse:

My Repressed Sex Life in the Jehovah's Witnesses 'Don't matter new system coming any day'


http://www.dannyhaszard.com/colitis.htm#repressed

Sure-Oz 06-20-2009 11:19 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5852991)
I recommend getting any potential de-virginizer drunk. That way the details of how he two-pump chumped her will be a little less clear.
The moment he gets his chance he'll be so damn nervous his junk won't work, watchROFL

But yes, the alchy will help him when the situation arrives

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 11:20 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sure-Oz (Post 5853000)
The moment he gets his chance he'll be so damn nervous his junk won't work, watchROFL
LMAO

Houston, we have a problem.

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 11:21 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sure-Oz (Post 5853000)
The moment he gets his chance he'll be so damn nervous his junk won't work, watchROFL

But yes, the alchy will help him when the situation arrives
I GOT WOOD FROM KISSING!!!

Come on. I'm going to be the energizer bunny. I'll probably injure the poor girl.

BigMeatballDave 06-20-2009 11:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5853002)
I GOT WOOD FROM KISSING!!!

Come on. I'm going to be the energizer bunny. I'll probably injure the poor girl.
You're 1st time will last all of 30 seconds, but you can avoid this. If you feel you may be close to getting some, excuse yourself and rub one out in the bathroom.

Pioli Zombie 06-20-2009 11:25 PM
Sex and the single Christian is crazy making. The Word says any sex outside of marraige is a sin. But Paul wrote that if you think you cannot handle this then you best get married. Yet when you just had a nasty divorce they advise you not to rush into a new relationship for years or else you will repeat this problems. So abstinance is best. But you shouldn't masturbate. You should just look to God if you get the urges. But if you think you will stumble get married. But wait to marry the right Christian woman. But don't rush. And don't kiss cause that will lead to sexual activity. But don't masturbate.
That's when you say **** me!!!!! And you end up going on the backpage and finding a hooker.
Posted via Mobile Device

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 11:25 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5853002)
I GOT WOOD FROM KISSING!!!

Come on. I'm going to be the energizer bunny. I'll probably injure the poor girl.
Congratulations. You're the Kyle Farnsworth of teh sex.

You're at your best in low-leverage situations.

Sure-Oz 06-20-2009 11:28 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5853002)
I GOT WOOD FROM KISSING!!!

Come on. I'm going to be the energizer bunny. I'll probably injure the poor girl.
the moment your pee pee gets wet you'll have 30 seconds at best before you unload the whale hehe

you won't be hurting anything

DeezNutz 06-20-2009 11:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sure-Oz (Post 5853008)
the moment your pee pee gets wet you'll have 30 seconds at best before you unload the whale hehe

you won't be hurting anything
Yep, except his pride when she says, "It's ooookkkkayyy." and an image of Herm runs through his head.

Sure-Oz 06-20-2009 11:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5853010)
Yep, except his pride when she says, "It's ooookkkkayyy." and an image of Herm runs through his head.
ROFL

KcMizzou 06-20-2009 11:35 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5853002)
I GOT WOOD FROM KISSING!!!
Well, you should, if she's cute, and/or a good kisser...

Hell, if you don't get a random boner just from some girl you see on the street now and then, you might wanna look into those pills.

KcMizzou 06-20-2009 11:35 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sure-Oz (Post 5853008)
the moment your pee pee gets wet you'll have 30 seconds at best before you unload the whale hehe

you won't be hurting anything
This.

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 11:37 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeezNutz (Post 5853010)
Yep, except his pride when she says, "It's ooookkkkayyy." and an image of Herm runs through his head.
You're killing this thread. With hilarity.

Mr. Flopnuts 06-20-2009 11:37 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pioli Zombie (Post 5853006)
Sex and the single Christian is crazy making. The Word says any sex outside of marraige is a sin. But Paul wrote that if you think you cannot handle this then you best get married. Yet when you just had a nasty divorce they advise you not to rush into a new relationship for years or else you will repeat this problems. So abstinance is best. But you shouldn't masturbate. You should just look to God if you get the urges. But if you think you will stumble get married. But wait to marry the right Christian woman. But don't rush. And don't kiss cause that will lead to sexual activity. But don't masturbate.
That's when you say **** me!!!!! And you end up going on the backpage and finding a hooker.
Posted via Mobile Device
In other words,

Sex an' th' single Christian be crazy makin'. Th' Word says any sex abroadside o' marraige be a sin. But Paul wrote that if ye think ye cannot handle this then ye best get married. Yet when ye jus' had a nasty divorce they advise ye nay t' rush into a new relationship fer voyages or else ye will repeat this problems. So abstinance be best. But ye ortin't masturbate. Ye ortin' ta jus' look t' God if ye get th' urges. But if ye think ye will stumble get married. But wait t' marry th' starboard Christian lass. But dasn't rush. An' dasn't kiss cause that will lead t' sexual activity. But dasn't masturbate.
That`s when ye say Hork me!!!!! An' ye end up goin' on th' aftpage an' findin' a hooker.

Hammock Parties 06-20-2009 11:45 PM
Could be worse.

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.ph...u=VlKAE&ref=nf

Quote:
Well whats up? My name is Matt. I live in Cary and I am 20 years old. I just got out or rehab for a drinking problem but its all cleared up now. I have a pending DWI so your probably going to have to pick me up. Im going to post some pictures for you guys to view. I just got text messaging back. So shoot me an email and Ill give you my number.

KcMizzou 06-20-2009 11:53 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5853024)
That dude's a playa...

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/fhywXYlOUsY&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/fhywXYlOUsY&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

JD10367 06-21-2009 12:06 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BigChiefDave (Post 5853005)
You're 1st time will last all of 30 seconds, but you can avoid this. If you feel you may be close to getting some, excuse yourself and rub one out in the bathroom.
"Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!"

JD10367 06-21-2009 12:07 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by KcMizzou (Post 5853028)
That dude's a playa...

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/fhywXYlOUsY&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/fhywXYlOUsY&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
All it's missing is, "Have my own van, full of candy. Can meet you anywhere, as long as it's not within 100 yards of a school or playground..."

sedated 06-21-2009 12:27 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852793)
Yeah...I have your #....you delete me from yo phone bitch? I have you, Flopnuts and Simply Red on speed dial for when I finally blow a load in some skank.
you never gave me your number, so I couldn't have deleted it.

the texts seemed so random - "she says she's coming but not here yet lol".

And my g/f was right next to me at dinner, she would have thought it was some chick texting me. I'm glad I could show her this thread and prove it was just some CP guy trying to get laid, and not yet another chick trying to get on these nuts. (ok...so I won't show her this post)

Hammock Parties 06-21-2009 12:31 AM
LOL

That almost sounds like I was texting you in the middle of sex.

sedated 06-21-2009 12:46 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5853048)
LOL

That almost sounds like I was texting you in the middle of sex.
not quite.

but if you text me in the next 2 or so hours, its highly likely, so please don't.


;)

luv 06-21-2009 12:54 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by sedated (Post 5853059)
not quite.

but if you text me in the next 2 or so hours, its highly likely, so please don't.


;)
You might want to get off of here first. Tell her I said "what's up, girl."

Hammock Parties 06-21-2009 01:40 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5852874)
OK, so, to recap the fourth date of my tragic ****ing life:

I arrived 30 minutes early in order to survey the scene, to scout out other possible "jump" locations. As in "let's take this party to the martini bar on the other end of this shitty strip mall."

Anyway, upon arriving it was discovered that the Starbucks we were to meet at did NOT EXIST. It had been replaced by a little pizza joint. So I text her this information. 7 pm rolls around and she calls and is like "I'm gonna be late sorry." And I'm like "Uh this place is a pizza joint. Do you want to get a pie?" And she's like "Sure!"

So she shows up and she's very cute. She is wearing a horizontally striped, low-cut top that shows her nice cleavage. Not as hot as my last date, but definitely bangable. 5-6, 125 pounds, brunette, pretty eyes, nice tits. She smiles, I smile, we both think sexual thoughts.

We order a chicken roma spinach medium and two beers. This is the first time I have had beer since college. I had a Miller mother****in' Lite. It actually wasn't too bad.

We share good conversation. She likes horror films and wants to go see Drag Me To Hell. I inform her it is excellent cinema and file away this note for potential future dates.

She laughs at my stupid jokes and we make lots of eye contact. I lie and say she is hotter than my last date in order to indicate I am sexually attracted to her. 8:30 rolls around and she says, in a very sexy voice, "So, what are you doing the rest of the night?"

My pickup artist brain immediately screams "Say YOU! Say YOU you undersexed stud muffin!" I resist my cro-magnon urge and respond, "Nothing, we could go back to your place and hang out, watch a movie or something?" She agrees to this plan of action and our horny bodies exit the pizza place.

At this point I feel like kissing her. We walk around my car and I say, "I might get in a wreck and die on the way to your apartment. You should kiss me now." This is the smoothest line of my 27-year existence and it works. We kiss, and it ain't no peck on the cheek. We sucked face.

I get wood.

I am going to get laid. I am sure of it.

I follow her car from the parking lot, screaming at the assholes who are cutting me off, blocking my view of her car. I have to traverse Highway 249, make a right onto Beltway 8 and tail this hot bitch for 20 minutes. I have gotten lost many, many times and driving in Houston is a nightmare. I drive like a bat out of hell trying to follow the vagina in the white car in front of me.

We turn onto Beltway 8 and trundle along in tandem for about five miles. At this point we are approximately three quarters of the way to her place. Then she turns into a gas station. My first thought is she needs gas, and she parks in front of the pump (pump my cock, bitch). I pull in and park at the store.

She gets out of her car and starts for mine. Oh shit. Either I'm going to lose my virginity in the restroom of a 7 Eleven (I have six condoms in my right jean pocket, at least I don't need those shitty convenience store rubbers) or the shit just hits the fan.

I get out of my car and she explains that she has decided against ****ing me on this particular night. I attempt to haggle with her for a makeout session, but once a bitch's mind is made up, there is no return, as most of you well know, barring threats of violence. We agree that we should have a second date.

I say "are you gonna call me?" She replies, "Are you gonna call ME?" I take this as an indicator of interest. We kiss again, Crom flutters between my legs, and I grab her ass. She walks back to her car and I drive home.

At least I didn't get lost on the way home. I had never been in that part of town before. Oh, I have also never been in a vagina.

Date #4, in the books. Let's see if this one has the common ****ing courtesy to return my phone calls.
I am bumping this thread because I am an attention whore.

Skip Towne 06-21-2009 01:47 PM
More failure huh? Do you bathe regularly?

Hammock Parties 06-21-2009 01:49 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skip Towne (Post 5853943)
More failure huh? Do you bathe regularly?
It's failure just because I didn't get laid?

Sure-Oz 06-21-2009 01:50 PM
It's failure if you never hear from her again

but atleast you kissed her

Pioli Zombie 06-21-2009 01:51 PM
JUST **** SOMEBODY ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted via Mobile Device

Skip Towne 06-21-2009 01:54 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5853956)
It's failure just because I didn't get laid?
Yes it is. You didn't complete your mission. Fail!

Hammock Parties 06-21-2009 01:57 PM
When was the last time you kissed a girl, Skip?

kstater 06-21-2009 02:24 PM
You kissed a girl? Congratulations on reaching the pinnacle of achievement....for a junior high boy.

Hammock Parties 06-21-2009 02:26 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by kstater (Post 5854025)
You kissed a girl? Congratulations on reaching the pinnacle of achievement....for a junior high boy.
Three of 'em!

Pioli Zombie 06-21-2009 02:26 PM
Backpage.com. Just get 'er done. As Lou Saban said. You can get it done. Ya gotta get it done.
Posted via Mobile Device

JOhn 06-21-2009 02:27 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claythan (Post 5854031)
Three of 'em!
:eek:

WOW, that's a hell of an accomplishment...for maybe one night?


:D


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