Late night bullshit: ChiefsPlanet Dungeons & Dragons
 

There is nothing complex to this concept.

I am your Dungeon Master for the endurance of this thread. I have three dices ("die"?) with six sides each. (Here.)

There's really only one rule in this thread: You tell me what you want to do.

I will determine how difficult your maneuver is, and roll the dice to see if you're successful.

There usually is some sort of plot or mission in D&D, but let's just keep this simple and appropriately stupid.

Feel free to run with this as creatively as you wish, however. Also, feel free not to.

I would like to determine where the white women are at. My charisma is a 5.

I want to do your mom.

I opened this thread and magically rolled an 8 for pocket protector.

I do not have information like that.

All I do is determine whether you are successful at some potential action you are attempting.

Doing my whore of a mother is a pretty easy task. Out of 24, I'd put its difficulty at 11.

***9***

Unfortunately, you were unable to bed my admittedly whore-ish mother.

She rebuffed your offer, opting instead to treat her crabs in a nearby Planned Parenthood.

Dejected, you contemplate suicide.

Find some means with which to protect yourself.

HAVE AT THEE

Been there,done that. NO YOU DONT !!!

...Dad?...

I would like to enter a nearby tavern and ask the nearest elf where the white women are at.

Use D&D dice at least. If you're rolling without a D20, well, you're just a loser.

That's pretty easy picking. Walking into a tavern, and asking a question. That's like a 2 out of 24.

***4***

Oof. You clearly came to the tavern already wasted.

You stumbled in like a drunken oaf, stinking of manure. Where the hell were you getting drunk? And what the hell were you drinking?

You immediately fall over when you enter, slamming into a table and making a ridiculous spectacle.

As a couple men hoist your drunk ass out of the tavern, an elf comes to your rescue, and convinces the men to leave you alone.

You ask where the white women are at, but you are so wasted, the elf can only determine the words "white women."

He admits he's banged a few, and he just assumes you want to purchase a prostitute.

There's an alley out back, he said. But it is ****ing filthy. Only whores the caliber of Direckshun's whore of a mother go there.

Fair enough. I'll use this going forward.

I would like to avoid syphilis. I have 20 gold coins and a +2 magic condom.

LMAO

Avoiding syphilis in a back alley whorehouse is pretty difficult. Would probably require a 14 out of 20.

***7***

Sorry, my friend.

The good news: you got some.

The bad news: Google "syphilis."

I refuse to play d&d without polyhedral dice.

I want the Chiefs to draft a ****ing franchise QB sometime before the next presidential election.

My frustration and anger is at 4328

That's a 2 out of 20...

***10***

You have successfully refused to play.

You elect instead to do something else.

Oh man. You'll have to be free tonight, and have been fortunate enough for luv to be on a softball team.

Hard to tell what the difficulty of this is. I'll put it at a square 12. The stars kinda need to align on this.

***17***

You have successfully secured a comfortable seat on a bleacher in Springfield, just as luv is taking the field for a beer league softball game.

As it turns out, her game is modest. She's not exactly rapturing your attention, but then again she isn't shitting herself out there, either.

I seek allies to enter a quest for the Fountain of Sulfa, in the land of Cenipillin.

Unfortunately, this is out of your (and thus my) control.

However, according to my latest roll of the dice, you have successfully wanted this to happen...

Using my natural elven abilities, I am checking this thread for traps. (please roll a 6 sided die. A result of 1 or 2 means I have succeeded)

Would you like to join me on my quest for the Fountain of Sulfa? I may need to make frequent stops along the way.

since i'm in Springfield - i'd like to approach Mohillbilly's house with this to protect myself - how much is this new age trident?

http://i44.tinypic.com/oh7qtd.gif

You might. What kind of weapon do you desire? What kind of coin are you carrying?

Ah, **** it. Let's keep this simple.

***17***

Congrats:

http://www.southern-gun.co.uk/user/i...TARY-3-WEB.gif

I was about to suggest SR.

He's well-armed.

(Done.)

***3***

I'm sorry. You have done your job diligently, but there remain traps in this thread that you have yet to detect.

That trident is not for sale.

Get out of here. I have no patience for metrosexuals with semiautomatic weapons.

It's not safe.

Her team's alright. She's about par for their talent level.

They're weak-armed in the outfield, unfortunately. Luv is completely healthy, however.

They only sell a paste at this particular ball park for food, a lot like astronaut's food. It is low on flavor but high on nutrients. It can only be ingested anally... just so you know.

I do not know what her team name is.

I'm not sure what this means, but I'm going to interpret it as meaning you are traveling with Rain Man and an unnamed wizard.

Convinced this is Hootie's fault, I put on my +3 vorpal steel toed boots of nut removal and kick Hootie in the junk. (result of my action please)

Oh man. This is tough. Hootie is pretty quick, and he'll likely drop his pants anyway to avert a physical confrontation -- because that actually works.

However, based on your resolve and your eminently powerful boots, it all equalizes to about an 8 out of 20.

***7***

Unbelievable. You took a royal swing but Hootie's too ****ing quick.

You did give him a wicked Charlie horse in his thigh, however. Hootie writhes on the ground as he struggles to get to his knees.

"Your outlook for 2014 is going to be SHIT," he whines.

lol wut?

I have the weirdest boner.

ROFL i thought that was cute.

ROFL

While Hootie is still writing on the ground I teleport from the area, in hopes of meeting up with a group of hearty adventurers such as myself. Perhaps a warrior carrying an automatic weapon and man in search of a wizard. :hmmm:

I want to have sex with a random chick tonight.

I want to see if I can get Phobia to like me

If only there were a Cleric nearby ...

Highly unlikely when you're on ChiefsPlanet and it's almost midnight.

I put it at an 18 out of 20.

***2***

As you consider actually getting off your couch, putting some pants on, logging off ChiefsPlanet and actually going somewhere where women might be, you pathetically elect to remain on your couch, sweating through your boxer-briefs, scrolling ChiefsPlanet as your laptop slowly heats your crotch into a useless, shapeless goo.

I can't heal shit, unfortunately. I am the Dungeon Master.

But like I said, let's keep this simple.

***16***

You are brought back to near-full strength. You can run just as fast, punch just as hard, and all your tactical thinking remains sharp.

Unfortunately, since I rolled a 16, you still do have one weakness left. You now suffer from PTSD.

While you are a formidable warrior, any loud, sudden sounds that you are not expecting cause you to weep openly.

LMAO

I don't know your personal history with him, but I find you very likeable. But I know Phobia is prickly.

This is a walk in the park, still. A 5 out of 20 gets this done.

***15***

Phobia is at your doorstep.

He's got a bouquet of petunias. I think he means to seduce you.

Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

Sexy. Does he apologize for all the times he brought up the Indian incident?

He does not.

He's only got one thing on his mind. And it's that sweet, sweet ass.

You have successfully eaten steak and potatoes.

I'm flying on a dragon, will he break apart in mid air?

You've given me no reason to believe that he will.

Continue riding on, brother.

I would like to infiltrate Arrowhead, kidnap Alex Smith, tie him up in a burlap sack, take him to China and dump him in the Yangtze river.

I am on a quest to find a woman with the elusive snapping pu@@y. Tell me Dungeon Master, will I ever complete this 40 year long journey ?

Seeing how you're just some kid in Texas, you're going to need a 20.

***10***

That went about how I expected it to.

On your way up I-44, you hit a cop car when texting distracts you off the road.

The cop finds rope, burlap, a passport, a crate, and a topographical map of the Yangtze.

Your items have been confiscated, your car impounded, and you reside in a jail somewhere northeast of Tulsa, Oklahoma.

I do not have access to information like that, unfortunately.

I can only gauge the success of specific acts you wish to take a part of.

I wish to fetch a cow, load it into a catapult and launch it over a large keep wall in order to hit a party of knights demanding a holy grail outside the keep.

I want to successfully taunt him from the battlements in a French accent!

I want to escape from the jail and get some help with my quest.

But just roll for the jail escape first.

Perhaps we should form a party in order to accomplish these tasks together.

Sweet, I want to be a monk! not like a friar tuck type but more of a lecherous magical undying Rasputin type!

I think I will go the anti-paladin route. That way we can have something in common.

Given that the gravity in this world is considerably lighter, this is a relatively simple task, albeit one that is not going to do much damage to the knights. I'll give it 11 out of 20.

***3***

The catapult snaps, as the cow rolls lifelessly off of it to your feet.

PETA arrives at the scene. Your countrymen, fearless in the face of war, are pussies in the face of animal rights activists, and they scurry in all directions, leaving you to answer for your abuse of innocent livestock.

Giving this a modest 3.

***6***

You have successfully mocked Nightfyre. But your accent is atrocious. God.

I should probably remove my fox pelts then...

Without giving me any sort of plan to do so, I'm going to give it a relatively generic difficulty of 14.

***14***

Ha! You're out on parole.

You've got an ankle bracelet, however. It will make your future tasks slightly more difficult if you choose to leave Oklahoma.

I'll use my electronics expertise to shunt the bracelet off onto his pet gorilla, Fran. Allowing him freedom to execute his plan. I am perfectly willing to cut off his foot if necessary.

Electronics expertise gives you a leg up -- no pun intended -- on this delicate procedure. I'll give you a difficulty of 7.

***9***

You have successfully removed the devise, ostensibly freeing up Clay on his future endeavors outside of Oklahoma so long as he doesn't run afoul of authorities put him back on the grid.

Unfortunately, with only a 9, it seems like Fran was having none of your bullshit. Fran (who for some reason Clay felt comfortable bringing on a highly challenging mission of kidnapping and false imprisonment), has scurried off.

Fortunately, that's PETA's problem. Clay's problem is an ankle bracelet that's going to appear as stationary and eventually raise some suspicions should it not exhibit typical moving-around behaviors.

Which means that you either need a contingency plans, or Clay needs to stay deep in the shadows on his quest.

Screw Clay, he can complete his quest on his own.. I will give him some parting advice... at least tie the bracelet to a cat or somesuch.

OK, I did my part! I'm off to join whatever quest Nightfyre is on.

Well, my cow plan sort of flopped. Oh wait, it appears that they are building a giant wooden rabbit!

SWEET! (although I was hoping for a badger)

I have encountered a little Chiefy